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Friday, May 16, 2003  

just because

back that azz up

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I've been slammed all day. Apologies for the lack of posts. Hopefully I'll be able to sneak one in later this afternoon...)

posted by uncle grambo |

snl season 28 ... REVEALED!

season finale stizz! as always, these pre-show comments come courtesy of whatevs.org's resident SNL experts, Nummer and H-Bomb...


Dan Aykroyd. Flat out the worst possible hosting decision for the finale. Yeah he's one of the original SNL giants (and I do respect him), but do we really want to close out a mediocre at best season with "Ignorant Sluts", Bob Dole and male prostitutes? Absolutely not. He already showed up once this season, do we really need more? It is true that he's never hosted before, but he's not even pushing a movie. Whatever.

Combine that with the possibility we'll be sitting through TWO performances from Beyonce (who ALSO already appeared this sesason) and some sort of send off tribute to Kattan and Morgan. What does that leave? Time for two sketches?

I'm sorry to report that this season's finale has absolutely no buzz whatsoever. Lorne really needed to do something big to make a last ditch "save Season 28" attempt, unfortunately, Aykroyd isn't it.

I'm not sure I'll ever understand the reasoning behind having Aykroyd host Season 28's finale. I honestly like Aykroyd and thought he was hilarious on the cast back in the 70's, but his recent appearances have left a lot to be desired. I am just not looking forward to him trying to relive his younger years with a show full of old sketches. If I wanted that, I could just borrow Nummer's Best of Aykroyd tapes, not rely on a totally different cast to recapture skits that happened over 25 years ago. Hopefully Lorne will prove me wrong. Please Lorne, prove me wrong!!!

And Beyonce? I love her too, but she was already on this season with Jay-Z!! I mean, so many great musical acts out there and they have to choose someone who was just performed only 6 months ago?? I know she wasn't the main guest, but come on, close enough. Hey, I'm all about giving everyone a fair shot, but it's pretty hard not to see this episode as a total snoozer. Way to go out with a bang SNL.

posted by uncle grambo |
Thursday, May 15, 2003  

spot the diff

i mean other than the background color and Justin's skin being a little lighter on the photo on the rizz.

gotta heart clarksoncheck out that photoshopped dadunka dunk!

(link courtesy of Stereogum)

posted by uncle grambo |

follow the bouncing ball

what a difference a few months makes. flashback to March 2003. riding on the highest of hogs was none other than Nia Vardalos, writer / star of "My Big Fat Greek Wedds." she had a mildly successful turn as host of SNL and was sitting pretty at the Golden Globes with all kindsa nominations for her surprise hit film. hell, even Colin Farrell was hitting on her at post-Oscar parties. her TV show launched with a flurry of big buzz (and even bigger ratings) and life seemed to be good for VardaDurst. now, flash forward to May 2003. just yesterday, CBS president Les Moonves dropped the bomb his network won't be renewing the troubled Vardalos sitcom next season. you see, the rumour mill has been rocking for months about this seemingly inevitable decision, and most signs pointed to an apparent friction between Vardalostcause and MoonBest as the driving factor. when asked by reporters to comment on this subject yesterday, Moonves only replied with "You saw the ratings and you saw the show." ouch. can someone please get one ticket on the next bullet train back to Obscurity for Miss VardaSchnozz, pronto? grazi!

gotta admit something here. i've never really been down with youth groups. my GF back in HS and college was like SUPER into youth group activities and prayer groups and all that jazz — personally, I never really understood why a bunch of single people in their late 20s wanted to hang out with high school sophomores. i always found it a tad creepy, especially when they would try to adopt our linguistic vernacular. now I know why. our good friend Kegzies over at Glamorama stumbled upon a website for The Source For Youth Ministry's "Teen Lingo" page, which boldly advertises "Don't get caught using the old school words that just don't fly!" oy vey, this site actually takes the time to type up and define terms such as "all up in my biznezz" (when someone is meddling in your affairs or dealings. They are "in your business." "Quit asking about my girl . . . why you all up in my biznezz?"), "E" (n. Term used for the drug "Ecstasy." Sometimes called "X" "Lets go score some ‘E’") and "get your shwerve/swerve on" (To get into a rhythm. To achieve a positive momentum. When playing basketball, if your team does well you can say "Now we got the swerve on!"). fortunately the FOW Nation is safe from their evil clutches, as this site has no listings for "obvs", "tigs", "tatts", "Durst", "jazz on yo mizz", "unfortch", "lick my tees", "eff JPMcKrengels", "tatters McShatters boombalatters" or any of the hundreds of other funkdafied catchphrizzies that FOWs use to identify and converse with one another.

someone over at The Los Angeles Times must have been reading whatevs.org yesterday. as I ranted about how pissed I'm going to be that I'm going to have to smizz outside when Damore and I hit up NYC, the editors of the LATimes decided to include an article in today's paper that details how LA based smokers have migrated from indoor bars to luxurious outdoor cafes and patios. i proclaim buzz.

The Vice Guide To Totally Being Crushed Out — an A-Z list for those who think that they've got a crush on someone and what they can do about it. here's an excerpt:

Nothing gets a lady to come up to your house more quickly than an eight ball. Nothing makes her more likely to receive your kiss and you more likely to have balls enough to deliver it. The problem is you have to do at least four lines and three songs before you can bust a move and that is not exactly a recipe for an erect penis. Just multiply Shakespeare’s line, “It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance,” by about a thousand. You’d be an asshole not to have Viagra hanging around, but most of us are assholes, so fuck it, you try to feed it in there like a piece of wet spaghetti. Once it’s two-thirds of the way in, you start “rabbit fucking,” hoping the friction will bring it to life, but alas, her vagina poos it out like a sad worm getting voted off Survivor. The worst part is, if you don’t get a second chance, she tells all her friends and you are forever known in girl land as “Sad Arthur” (or whatever your actual name is). For more on this, check “E.”
Mix tape: The Carpenters, “Close to You”
(link courtesy of The Morning News)

last but not least, if you've got a few minutes you should check out this article from Sunday's LATimes, which fully details the complex story behind Tobey Maguire's dismissal (and subsequent re-hiring) from the sequel to last year's big box office winner, "Spiderman." a truly fascinating look at power and politics out on the Left Coast. essential reading for anyone with even a passing interest in film.

posted by uncle grambo |

calling all D-Cups!

picture this scenario:

so you're hanging out one day in your South Taiwanese village when, all of a sudden, you get a fax (stay with me here!) that warns you that SARS is headed to your town faster than a bunch of killer bees! what do you do? obvs you run up to your local CVS in search of a slew of surgical masks so that you and yours can stay SARS-free as long as poss. unbeknownest to you, your stupid teenage daughter had been hogging the phone line all afternoon (no doubt wasting her time on Makeoutclub.com), so the entire village found out about the SARS onslaught hours ago and now the local CVS has sold out of all their surgical masks! damn, if you would've taken my advice and gotten that T-Mobile Sidekick, you wouldn't be in this predicament! but this is no time to cry over spilt milk. how do you protect your family from SARS until the next shipment of masks arrives at CVS? why, my friend, the answer is obvs ... you wear a bra on your face! no silly, not a bra on your head (GKV Stizz!). on your FACE. duh. problem solved. obvs.

(in related news, the official Xinhua News Agency is reporting that China's Supreme Court has threatened execution for people who cause death or injury by deliberately spreading SARS)

posted by uncle grambo |
Wednesday, May 14, 2003  

august 15, 2003

ten years in the making!

posted by uncle grambo |

quick and dirrrty

The new "Bachelor" is from Ferndale. wonder if he eats at Como's?

Gawker interviews "literary bad boy" James Frey. hmmm.

Sony announces hand-held companion to PS2. I guarantee Nintendo is shatting their drawers as I type.

bitch you make me hurl"...And though Buttslammers 21 is an all-girl, all-anal movie, I didn't do anal in it." — porn star Gina Lynn on her only sexual hang-up

Samsung’s SPH-N270 is going to be famous for just one reason… It’s the Matrix phone.

Wild Boy Fred Durst Working On New Wave Solo Project. Kill me now.

Sheryl Crow sells mixtapes at Starbucks. Who knew?

Speaking of which ... Seven Steps To The Perfect Mix.

The State on DVD? (link courtesy of Nummer)

Thursday's episode of "Late Night With Conan O'Brian" will be entirely rendered in claymation. (link courtesy of The Grizz)

most anticipated movie ... EVER! "(It) follows the stages (Tenacious D) had to go through, as well as one of their first character-building quests, to help prepare them to be the greatest band in the world."

posted by uncle grambo |

cuss like a sailor and drink like a mick

anyone else notice that the two of the last four issues of Entertainment Weekly have been Matrix-focused, yet Keanu hasn't appeared on either cover? wonder what gives, yo.

so much GP Kroger buzz!and you thought it was only known for being the birthplace of approximately 82% of the FOWs. or maybe it was for the white topsiders with khaki pants. or the semi-fun but largely forgettable John Cusack flick. either way, it turns out that Grosse Pointe has alternate forms of buzz going for it. The Freep's Sminty revealed that Renee Zellweggs was spotted at Kroger in Grosse Pointe this past weekend. who knew? personally, I wouldn't be caught dead in that Kroger. i reprezzzent straight up Farmer Jack Food Emporium stizz when I hit the GPizz. MACK AVE, BITCH!

how pissed was I that I missed "Rome Is Burning" last night because I had to work later than expected? the answer: VERY pissed. also, I tried watching "American Idol" again last night, mainly because The Grizz claimed that QT was in the audience and throwing props out to the 205 / Ruben. conclusion? that show blows. Big Ru couldn't even deliver on a super fat tigs song like Peabo Bryson's "If Ever You're In My Arms Again" ... I was very disappointed. He can't hit any of the high notes, he skates on the low register. That Clay "You're Aiken Me Crazy" Aiken is such a 'mo that it's not even funns. But despite the fact that watching "American Idol" was utterly disappointing, it was no where near as revoltingly insulting as watching the Human Chin, Jay Worst-o, return to "The Tonight Show" last night. don't get me wrizz — I'm a Letterman fan through and through. but apparently Katie Couric hosted the show on Monday night, and I thought she'd be hosting again. unfortch I tuned on to Leno, who in a show of pure classlessness, basically insinuated that K. Couric had falsies in her bra and that all she wanted to do was (and I quote) "Nail Brad Pitt." *real* classy, Leno. what a misogynistic, fat piece of Doritos chip eatin' mofo. I wish he'd crash his motorcycle into a pit of SARS-infested American Idol rejects who haven't brushed their teeth in weeks and be forced to suck on Bea Arthur's bunyons while being bathed with those disgustingly worst microwave milkshakes. thank Gawd there's still Dave, i quickly changed over to catch his "Top Ten Signs Something Is Wrong at The New York Times."

such a hott ass!Melissa Stark, you will be missed.

hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ. head over to NME.com to vote for your favourite Smiths song of all-time. i think mine is probably "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out", although I have also always held a fondness for "Cemetary Gates" and "Asleep"... (thanks to Glamorama for the link)

well, the trip that Damore and your Uncle Grambo are making to New York is less than a month away. and I'm already starting to get irritated in anticipation of the city's recent ban on smoking in bars and restaurants. you have GOT to be effing kidding me! who does this Mayor Bloomberg think he is? what a Nazi! it was bad enough having to trot outside for a smizz while I was in Beantown, but this is WAY worse. smoking and NYC go together like Peaches & Herb! hopefully they'll still have those 200 hundred couches for me to sleep on...

more l8s.

posted by uncle grambo |

where's Hannibal when you need him?

i don't know about you, but the last few nights have been filled with restlessness and nary a wink of sleep. the apparent abduction of The Gorilla by Right-Wing Extremists has got your Uncle Grambo up in arms. as a loyal FOW, i know that you are asking "Uncle Grambo, what can I do to help?" well my friend, the answer is simple (and quite coincidentally was delivered to my Yahoo Mail this morning!) ... FREE GORILLA T-SHIRTS!!! click-through to help spring our fearless FOW from the evil clutches of the Department Of Homeland Security ... word has it that The Gorilla is detained in the Ashcroft Wing of San Quentin Tarantino Prison! a word to the wise, though ... don't try to loot the store, because United States military forces will shoot you on sight. commerce, commerce, commerce!



May 13, 2003

Featured Product



In This Issue:



Our fearless leader and corporate founder the Gorilla has been wrongfully detained by the black hand of the Ashcroft inquisition. Show your support for own true American patriot and defender of the bill of rights, the gorilla, by buying things. Things like T-Shirts from ape about town! Free the Gorilla Today, and check out the rest of our great stuff at APE ABOUT TOWN.

Link: http://www.geocites.com/sharptone

Don't forget to buy things!!!

posted by uncle grambo |
Tuesday, May 13, 2003  

speaking of which...

it's been far too long without any Bynes buzz here on whatevs.org, especially because she's already seen "The Matrix Reloaded" and you haven't!!! bynes ... so many premieres! so many older dudes ogling her spectacular hottness! so sassy! mmmm...

i worship at the altar of Bynes

posted by uncle grambo |

liar liar pants on fire

right now, the only thing with more buzz than SARS is lying. liars (especially those in the journalism community) are everywhere. if you watched "60 Minutes" on Sunday, you heard all about Stephen Glass' self-described "whoppers" he wrote while working at the New Republic. and unless you spent the last few days strategizing over who Hailey was going to kick off "Mr. Personality" last night, you've likely heard all of the brouhaha over Jayson Blair's resignation from The New York Times. this reporter, who left a trail of falsely filed expense reports and fictitious sources behind him (not to mention an alleged "fatal coke enthusiasm that clearly became a serious problem"), has sullied not only his own reputation, but that of the most esteemed newspaper in the world (with all apologies going out to CM Life). while this incredible breach of journalistic integrity has jaws dropping everywhere, its glare has only intensified as the ex-reporter's race (Blair is black) has entered the picture. you see, reports have emerged that Blair had consistently received poor reviews from his editors (including a performance review from his last editor that stated "We have to stop Jayson from writing for the Times. Right now.”), yet amazingly continued to climb the corporate ladder of the NYT. Blair often bragged to his peers about his relationship with Times managing editor Gerald Boyd (who is also black), and many have wondered aloud if Blair was allowed to skate simply on race issues alone. of course, the NYT categorically denied all of these charges in Sunday's massive mea culpa, but other papers are challenging the Times directly on this issue. even the historically lefty-leaning Los Angeles Times took umbrage with this notion, stating in an article yesterday that "the least credible and complete portion of the Times' account is its categorical denial that the unusual tolerance and solicitude the paper accorded Blair, who is African American, had anything to do with his race." as you can see, this story is quickly being spun by a hungry news media into another affirmative-action controversy gone wild, one to which the venerable William Safire has already responded on the op-ed pages to (not to mention Neal Pollack's reactions on both Slate.com and his blog; in the latter he states that this event is "a sure sign that black people must not be allowed to practice journalism in America anymore ... I can't wait for the day when black people have their own newspapers, their own restaurants, and their own neighborhoods. Then they can be out of my life altogether, except for my sexy Ms. Dynamite screen-saver."). while your Uncle Grambo tries largely to avoid discussing political issues in this space, I couldn't let this story go without giving the FOWs a few different viewpoints that you can use to educate yourselves. personally, my take is that it's been a really slow few weeks in the news and that people are trying to whip up a controversy where one doesn't really exist. this issue could have EASILY been dealt with as something other than a front-page story of their Sunday edition. and since the media is afraid to report what a macho, jingoistic jackass G Dubs is (esp. after he buzzed the tower and landed on that aircraft carrier, "Top Gun" stizz), this is the next best story. better than SARS. better than Bynes. and even better than "Corpses 2", as difficult as that is to believe. you think sex sells? try race relations. obvs.

(ADDITIONAL NOTE: If you're intrigued and want to read more about this, there are TONS of links over at Romenesko's Media News, probably the best website that I know of that covers the business of journalism)

posted by uncle grambo |

snl season 28 ... REVEALED!

apologies to Nummer and The H-Bomb for the delay in getting these posted!

Episode 16: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte (4/5/03)

Episode 17: Ray Romano / Zwan (4/12/03)

Episode 18: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent (5/3/03)

Episode 19: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul (5/10/03)
nice schnozget busy

posted by uncle grambo |


best headline ever (from this morning's South China Morning Post):

Chinese couple name their baby son Saddam SARS (!!!)
(link courtesy of Drudge)

more later...

posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, May 12, 2003  


so BESTthe buzz on the new Liz Phair record is starting to build. her first single, "Why Can't I?", was added at more Hot AC radio stations than any other song last week, according to Radio & Records. and The NYT recently profiled The Matrix, not the Keanu flick but the production team who currently rule pop radio (courtesy of their collaborations with Avril Lavigne). say what you will about Avril, but the fact is that The Matrix just know how to write and produce insanely catchy pop songs, and their work with Liz on the new record is really strong. Liz is even quoted as saying, "I remember hearing `Complicated' and being almost jealous. I thought, `Aw, that's what I want to sound like.' " in the article. and that she does (in a good way!). leave your pre-conceptions at the door and wait to make your judgement after you've heard the tracks.

now at least Caro won't make fun of her for having small tatts. reports are breaking out of the UK that Sporty Spice (aka Mel C) recently got breast implants. if you ask me, she should've held off on the implants and got some lipo instead.

all of the Glamorama buzz is starting to pay off ... or is it? everyone knows that Paris Hilton is the Patron Socialite of Kegzie's euro-blog, and now she's on everyone's radar. first there was the news that she is starring in a new reality show based upon "Green Acres" with Nicole Richie, daughter of Lionel. too bad Nicole is facing a felony heroin charge, dancing on the ceiling stizz. that bad buzz is sure to usurp some buzz from the upcoming Fox show. now comes word that Paris will be starring with `N Sync's Lance Bass in an upcoming film remake of "The Great Gatsby" ... say it ain't so, Kegzies. what will he do?

do you WiFi? i don't even know that it's possible to do in Michigan ... yet. but out in Beantown, all of the local Starbucks were "hot spots." The New York Times takes a look at the impending explosion of WiFi in retail circles and how some companies are using it as a competitive point of differentiation.

i always give credit where credit is due. and as much as it pains me, I have to admit that JP McKrengels' early proclamation that this season of "American Idol" had no buzz is right on the money. I spent a good chunk of yesterday arguing with The Grizz that all of the remaining contestants (yes, including Big Ru) have SARS. and apparently Randy Jackson (one of the judges) agrees. he's quoted in today's New York Post as telling TV Guide that "These kids are singing terribly" and that he's "bored" by this cast. and I guaran-god-damn-tee you that none of these chumps can move ANY records ... pure buzzlessnessness.

if you're a film geek like me, chances are that you've already bookmarked Movie City News. this site is the first to report that Steven Soderbest and Jules Asner got married in Los Angeles this weekend! wonder if it's true? i know they've been dating since "Traffic" but rarely appear in public together. good for him, she's still one hott piece of aiiiise. eff that new Giuliana broad, she blows.

i've got a lot more but not enough time to write it up, so I'll conclude this post with some quotes from a speech that Tim Robbins gave from the recent Lincoln Film Society's tribute to Susan Sarandon, as reported by The Observer's Rebecca Traister: "(she's) my partner in crime, my wife, my best friend—held in high esteem by waitresses and nuns, minor-league ballplayers and drag queens alike ... She is extremely photogenic when getting arrested ... She has no jump shot, but she can still make me laugh. I am proud to call her my friend … [and remain] unmarried but forever committed to her." isn't that what we're all looking for? props out to this much maligned duo who still remain best evs in my book.

posted by uncle grambo |


we miss you even more than Aaliyahwow. instead of using this space to praise The Gorilla for his guest editorship last week, I will instead detail the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that he had to endure after taking over the reins of whatevs.org. first of all, The Smoking Gun unearthed the photo at right of a clearly pro-peace Gorilla on Thursday, a story that managed to make its way onto "The O'Reilly Factor" that evening. The Gorilla was deemed anti-Bush and placed alongside Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, The Dixie Chicks and The Rosenbergs on the Top 10 List of Dangerous Commie Pinkos Whose Beliefs Threaten Our American Core Values And Will Likely End Up Ruining Our Society If They're Not Immediately Silenced. that is until the powers that be realized that they dealt with The Rosenbergs oh so many years ago. i shrugged off this association, hoping that it would just blow over. but when I strolled out of my door at the Lenox on Friday morning en route to the Starbucks on Boylston, I noticed that Friday's New York Times featured the lead headline (written by Jayson Blair) that clearly stated that Bobba Fett had captured The Gorilla, placed him in a deep freeze and shipped him off (along with a half-dozen Krispy Kremes) to be eaten by Jabba The Hutt. the esteemed "paper of record" also published the photo below as evidence. i quickly put a call into Manute Bol, who fortunately was able to clear his schedule and freely post to this fine website all day Friday. but The Gorilla's whereabouts are currently unknown; some reports placed him in Mexico City wrestling Koko B. Ware, others in a pro-Vodka rally in Chechyna led by Boris Yeltsin. please report any sightings to me at markdgraham@yahoo.com.

frozen in time by Boba Fett

so I feel that it is not only my duty, but my obligation to report that this is just another attempt by the right-wing (who, i might add, have been vastly conspiring to overthrow this website) to silence your Uncle Grambo. many have tried in the past (including Catherine Zeta-Durst, Fred "I'm Durst" Durst and G. Gordon Liddz) and all have failed. I have dedicated my life to providing Piping Hot Content for ALL of your Sexy Bods, and I will now the funds that I have accumulated in my Roth IRA to discovering the whereabouts of The Gorilla. hell, it's got to be a better investment than AOL Time Warner, right?

goodnight and thank you to The Gorilla, wherever you might be. godspizz. obvs.

posted by uncle grambo |
"I started out with a lot of Audioslave or anything Chris Cornell -- it helped with the aggression. And Chris Webber from the [Sacramento] Kings. There's a real sweetness behind his eyes, but he's pissed off."
Brad Pitt on the sources of inspiration for his character in "Troy"
be like mark

loretta lynn - van lear rose


king of new york (special edition)


john kennedy toole - a confederacy of dunces

adventures w/disposable income
date: 5.8.04
source: CVS
amount: $19.48
(1) liter of Captain's
(2) liters of DC w/lime
(1) mother's day card

snl season 29
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
may 10: the strokes @ state theatre
may 15: cardigans @ magic stick
may 17: softball league @ 8:30pm
may 17: last tourist @ small's (10pm)
may 24: softball league @ 6:10pm
may 27: sea ray / stills @ st. andrews
june 6: dido @ fox theater
june 7: softball league @ 7:20pm
june 14: softball @ 6:10pm
june 19: jessica's graduation party
june 21: softball @ 8:30pm
june 28: softball @ 6:10pm
july 3 - july 11: vacation @ TBD
july 12: softball @ 7:20pm
july 19: softball @ 7:20pm
july 26: softball @ 9:40pm
august 2: softball @ 7:20pm
august 14: nuptial buzz w/c friggs + lescal!!!
october 23: nuptial buzz w/the grizz + mandypants!!!
twenty word reviews
van helsing
walking tall
scooby doo 2: monsters unleashed
dawn of the dead
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
starsky & hutch
girl next door
re-imagines "Risky Business" with Vivid Girls instead of prostitutes; marks Elisha Cuthbert's arrival as an alluring, big screen sex symbol.
Despite the best efforts of TrachtenBest, suffers greatly from a lack of forward momentum (scriptwise) and some remarkably bland casting
along came polly
aside from Philip Seymour Best Ever's performance ("RAIN DANCE!"), I vastly preferred this when it was called "Dharma And Greg."
search THIS!

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