|whatevs (dot org)
piping hot content for your sexy bod
Friday, May 14, 2004
don't forget that Monday night marks the highly anticipated Cosmic Rough Riders / Last Tourist gig @ Small's in Hamtrammy! the boys in black will go on at or around 10pm, be there or be durst!
man, ever have one of THOSE days? today's just been that kinda day ... it's kinda like walking a mile in Damore's shoes, i suppose. can't remember being this grumpy or bitter in a LONG time. woke up in a pool of sweat this morning, it's hot and humid like the muthafukkin' Congo up in this bitch. walked out of my apartment all sweaty and with my curly locks in an unintentional Wallace-esque `fro, only to realize with milliseconds of closing my door that I had locked myself out of my apartment. i quietly seethed to myself, cursed my bad luck and proceeded to call my landlord. NO BUZZ! the douchetwizzler was no where to be found, so I was forced to use a credit card to slice through one of the screens on my window. NO BUZZ! then I drive halfway to work and realize that it's MY morning to bring bagels into the office. FUCK THAT NOISE! grranimals. then, the morning blows monkeyapes as one of our company's veeps yells at a room of us because HE'S an incompetent jackanapes and hasn't done a good job passing information onwards and upwards to our company's Board. THEN it takes me nearly 45 minutes to drive 4.6 miles from my office to The Grizz's house (who's home recovering from getting his wisdom teeth out yesterday) ... adding insult to injury, I heard a trance remix of Maroon 5's "This Love" on TWO DIFFERENT RADIO STATIONS! in an attempt to salvage the most unbuzzworthiest of days, I turned my radio to the normally reliable WDET (our local NPR affiliate) ... talk about a bad move, yo, the station that NEVER fails WAS PLAYING BECK! "Golden Age" revealed! i was thisclose to losing it and then salvation arrived out of nowhere ...
you see, kiddies, the moral of this story is that behind every dark and stormy cloud polluting the horizon, Ultragrrrl is there waiting to pop out and lighten up your day! you see, the lovely, talented and impossibly best ever Sarah had emailed last night to let me know that she'd be appearing on "Cold Pizza" this morning and that she was going to try and work some whatevs.org lingo in, if poss. well smack my ass and call me Barry Manilow, she did it! yes indeed, smack dab in the middle of a conversation with Kit and some douchenozzle from TV Guide ULTRA DROPPED AN "OBVS" ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! she just mixed it right into conversation like it was the most natural thing you could ever think of doing ... CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? "OBVS" is officially going national, yo! The Grizz and I just sat back and watched the moment over and over and over again, TiVo stizz. i'm going to try and figure out if I can get a soundbyte or a video clip or SOMETHING for posterity's sake, because this moment trumps when Neil Armstrong said that tired ass "one giant leap for mankind" bullshit (everyone knows that was on soundstage, yo!) i've said it before and your Uncle Grumbo will say it again ... ULTRAOLSEN, I WANT TO HAVE 10,000 OF YOUR BABIES!
"I wanna regurgitate your jazz, put it in a blender with a leprechaun, and have me an authentic shamrock shake. And after I'm done with that, I wanna vomit the shake, and use it as a lubricant for my strap-on, baby. I'll ass-fuck you for breakfast." Harley Jane Kozak ... some say this has been the best week ever over at So Sayeth The Peabs.
Kerry So Says I gets 'Saved' by the bell. Lots of hott star sightings, including revelations of Lohan and Mac Culkin. although Kerry douses the film with a dixie cup of haterade, I've heard lots of positive buzz on this buzz. shmears. if only for the opportunity to bovs on those Mandy Moore tees ... IN MY MIND!
HOTTIE ALERT! HOTTIE ALERT! rumour has it that NATALIE FUCKING PORTMAN is gonna be representing in Birmingham tomorrow night ... uh, i am SO there! she'll allegedly be attending a charity screening of "Garden State" at the Palladium tomorrow night, 8:30pm! i'm working all my angles right now to try and get up in that bitch (literally and figuratively, natch) ... BOVS ALL OVER THOSE EFFING TEES! hopefully it'll have more buzz than when I ran into The New Jersey Nets' Aaron Williams at Borders last night. shmears. [via Nummer]
gotta love reading the word "gang bangs" in the "legitimate" press ... wait, who am I kidding? The NY Post is even less legitimate than Lindsay Lohan's rack. shmears.
i've always been a big fan of Kate Winslet. however, it's important to note that this look has GOT to go. gross.
just for the record, I've got tons of thoughts on Demi and Ashton sex pics and last night's finale of "Making The Band 2", but I can't be arsed to put them together right now. so, I suppose, that is all for now. word to your collective mothers, i'll catch ya this weekend. hopefully somebody somewhere will be screening "Alfie" at some point ... bovs.posted by uncle grambo |
thankfully, tomorrow night's episode of "Saturday Night Live" marks an end to what has probably been the worst season of SNL since the days of Charles Rocket. for reals, this show might as well not even exist anymore ... when was the last time you ever heard any "real" people talk about anything that happened this season on "Saturday Night Live"? never. hopefully Scary-Kate and Trashley will do something to change that, but after seeing their wooden performance last weekend as hosts of "MTV'S 25 UNDER 25" show, my hopes aren't exactly what you'd call high. but I'll let Nummer and H-Bomb do what they do best without further ado ...
in addish, the duo has posted their reviews of both the Lindsay Lohan and Snoop Dogg episodes ... click on the JPEGs below to see what they had to say. buzz.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
sweet Jebus on a popsicle stick, hide your kids and cover their eyes! Courtney Love is back in New York to face assault charges and looks worse than you could ever fathom ... the only thing that your Uncle Grambo can POSSIBLY think to describe her look is the following...
Imagine with me, if you will, that Joan Rivers is a snake (think a big, old, wrinkled version of Coily). Now imagine with me that an evil spirit from a netherworld inhabited some dead skin that Joan shed twenty-five years or so ago and decided to get on a plane to fly to LaGuardia. But before stopping off at the local courthouse, this spirit was date raped by Michael Caine and, in the aftermath, decided it would be a GREAT idea to visit Jocelyn Wildenstein's make-up artist for a quick rouge bath. And that's pretty much that.
Courtney Hole. so sad. how she got from left to right is anyone's guess, but you can bet yo ass it has more than a little to do with Oxy.
EDITOR'S NOTE: It's important to note that the expression "date raped by Michael Caine" is paraphrased from words first written by the twisted geniuses known as Ultragrrrl and Greg The Boyfriend. please credit and then bovs on their collective tees whenever using the phrase. shmears.posted by uncle grambo |
here's a tip for ya, Charles. when you're poppin' pills that say "take with food", they're not just jerkin' your chain. let me explain. you see, your Uncle Grambo woke up a little groggy this morning from a night of intense indie swooning, Sofa stizz. after rolling out of the rack, I proceeded to ingest my daily morning cocktail of expired ephedra and Flintstones chewables. this cocktail has NEVER caused a problem with me before, and in retrospect I realize that it's b/c i've heeded the warning label and chased the concoction with food. howevs, on this particular morning, i decided that i would sacrifice eating breakfast in order to take a shower (a wise decision), making it to work in plenty of time. howevs, when I rolled into my 9:30 meeting, my mind started to play tricks on me, Geto Boys stizz, and my stomach started gurgling sumpin' fierce. i promptly excused myself from my meeting, walked into the bathroom and hurled. yep, nothin' there but Captains and Gatorade X-Factor. durst. I then walked back to my desk and immediately snarfed down a Protein Plus Powerbar to recoup my buzz. bovs.
the moral of the story? 1) heed the warning labels on your meds and 2) DO NOT try to go drink for drink with GKVibe on a Wednesday night. for further details of last night's debauchery (pictures forthcoming as soon as The Vibe sobers up), cruise on over to Retrobuzz. full recap! so funny! the only thing that's NOT included was this realization that occured late night stizz ... dancing with black girls to "Maps" is the new dancing with white girls to "My Coco" ... BOVS!
just to make sure you're caught up on the latest Brit Brit buzz, it's important to note that she was spotted in Sweden yesterday skanking out on a rock (!!!) with her WTBF. positively nast. and your Uncle Grambo is in COMPLETE agreement with Choire Gawker in that if there were nude pictures of Britney, trust me, you'd know. thanks for the emails from all of the concerned FOWs, but they're FAKES! bovs.
and while we're on the celebrity nudity tip, I've purposely avoided the recent Brit tabloid buzz surrounding the areola slippage of Miss Lindsay Lohan. my high-powered attorney's intern advised me that it's best to avoid printing salacious photos of underage teen starlets. howevs, it's important to note that these snaps snaps first appeared last week on That's Just Not Right (NSFW), although The NY Daily News gives accreditation to The Defamer. man, Nick Denton's lackeys sure get a lot of buzz, don't they? i gotta find a way to suck up and milk that PR machine for all it's worth.
FINALLY! big ups to The Detroit News and Mekeisha Madden for today's story on the guy who DJs the songs that you hear at Tigers games. i'm being dead serious, this is EXACTLY the kind of story that I expect to see in the Features section of the local fishwrap. it's interesting, it's relevant and it's timely ... hence, it's BEST! you see, she reveals how players like Bobby Higginson and Rondell White pick their "theme" songs that play each time they come up to the plate, she gets some quotes in from the DJ and she also grabs a few quotes from drunken Tigers fans about their reactions to the music. BUZZ, for reals. kudos, it looks like someone at The Snooze is finally starting to get with the times!
Local hoops stand-out Malik Hairston declares that he'll attend The University of Oregon next year, passing up the likes of Kansas and Michigan. bad idea jeans, Malik ... those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. name me the last blue chip diaper dandy to come from the great state of Michigan who has truly excelled at an out-of-state basketball program? i bet you'd have to go all the way back to Mark "Shakin' Bacon" Macon to find one. what a cornhoolio!
and for the film buffs out there, here's a few snippets (did someone say whippits?) to tide you over...
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
where's Luther Campbell when you need him? Whatevs.org has been Banned In The USA!
NME is reporting that Belle and Sebastian's next single, "Your Cover's Blown", will become "indie Bohemian Rhapsody'" ... and here I am thinking that "This Is Just A Modern Rock Song" was their epic single. BUZZ!
once again proving to be an invaluable asset for those struggling to catch up on the history of music, MTV.com answers the question that's been on all of our minds for MONTHS ... What's up with that bearded guy in the "99 Problems" video? no, not Vincent Gallo, you jackanapes, the OTHER bearded guy. guess what? it's Rick Rubin!!! and by "guess what", what I really mean is "No shit, Sher-Cock Holmes!" he's only been bovsing on our collective tees since `85! shatts.
Defamer reveals a Jesse Camp sighting! sadly, no David Bananaz resets were reported.
as equally fed up with teenage voter apathy as your Uncle Grambo, our good friend Matthew Tobey urges the youth of America to Date Rape The Vote! "Rocking The Vote" is SO Bill Clinton, natch.
you haven't truly bovs'd on any tees until you've bovs'd on tees sheathed in a backless and strapless bikini top. bovs.
and finally, I'd like to take a moment to direct you to Stereogum's epic Billy Joel take from a few weeks back. i've been meaning to get around to this one for awhile, but it's probably my fave post in the INCREDIBLY impressive Scott Stereogum catalog. very Klosterman-esque, and long-time FOWs will recognize that as a compliment of the highest order. BRAVO!posted by uncle grambo |
the spry commentary you've come to know and heart from Uncle Grambo is in short supply this morning. i've spent most of my energy this morning engaging in email gossip between parties on both coasts. i also ate two slices of key lime pie. hence, i provide you with some low carb linkage ... all the extra fat has been removed. enjoy!
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
i love my SUV. when you live in a war-torn city like The D™, driving anything smaller than a SUV is tantamount to vehicular suicide. if I were to hit one of the dozens of potholes that i dodge every morning on the way to work (and I've only got about a 5 mile drive) in a regular car, I'd end up in the repair shop more frequently than Joan Rivers gets botox. but with my trusty choice of transportation, i'm good to go. environment, shmenvironment ... have you BEEN to The D™ lately? the environment is the last thing we need to worry about, shmears. howevs, earlier today I stood at the gas pump and cursed my rotten sport utility vehicle, walking away from the local Mobil $34.22 lighter after putting 16.6 gallons of gas into my GMC Envoy. and because I only get about 13 miles to the gallon, i have a feeling that this is gonna be the kind of summer where my Gary Fisher gets a severe workout. schmobvs.
i know she's all freshly married and shit, but STILL, I'm pretty sure that fact alone wouldn't prevent you from a little tap tappy roo if the opportunity presented itself. am i right or am i right? BOVS I'M RIGHT!
congrats go out to Information Leafblower for landing a position with our good friends @ Gothamist as the site's Sports Editor. it's about time Rage Kage got some of the props that he deserved, big ups to Jen Gothamist, Jake Gothamist and Tien for recognizing the skillz! oh, and btw, ILB also throws out a bucket fulla haterade on last Saturday's Cardigans performance in Brooklyn ... enough to convince me to find other plans for this Saturday night!
all Sizemore, all the time. Out Of Focus is reporting that Sizemore will portray Pete Rose in an upcoming made-for-ESPN movie. funny, I always knew that Rose was a good for nothing douchebag loser, but who knew he was a crystal-meth addicted good for nothing douchebag loser? Charlie Hustle? blogga PLEASE!
reason #512 that our country is EFFED. witness this quote that The Grizz got from 18-year old Dearborn resident Rob Osenbaugh in an article in today's DetNews about apathetic young voters: "If there was some type of incentive — it would have to be something I wanted, like money, women or cars — I’d take my time out to go vote. But other than that, voting doesn’t really matter to me all that much." uh, can you please clarify that controversial statement, Rob? "Eventually, when I have my own life, maybe when I have a kid, a car, a house and a steady job, then I might actually care about politics, but right now I could care less. I just live my life, I don't really care about who's president." mmmmWURST! i'm sure the Osendurst parental units are REAL happy about the job they did raising their son right about now. and I'm sure that the Dearborn school system is REAL proud, too. but then again, what can you say about a district that spawned the likes of JP McKrengels? shmears.
oh Charges, keep up the sweet talk, you know I loves it so! can't possibly think of a better quote to end the day with ... buzz!
posted by uncle grambo |
while the official website for the Movement Festival is still sans buzz, I have in my hott little hands the line-up for this year's festival being held over Memorial Day wknd (courtesy of Rob Theakston, natch). dates and times to be confirmed at a later date, but here goes (hottest acts according to yr Uncle Grambo are in BOLD CAPS) ...
Aardvark / Alden Tyrell (live) / AMP FIDDLER(live) / Barbara Preisinger / Biological Live / Camp Amp DJs / Claude Young / Cloud 9 / Danny Krivit / DEREK PLASLAIKO / Kevin Reynolds / KEVIN SAUNDERSON / Language / LEGOWELT / Louis Haiman / Madlib and PBW ft Jay Dee / Malik Alston Painted Pictures / Marques Wyatt / McKay / Mike Geiger / DJ Cosmo / DJ Genesis (live) / DJ Nova / Duplex Live / Ellen Allien / Fat Freddy's Drop / FRANCOIS K / Garth Trinidad / Goldfinger (AML) / Greg Mudge / Groove Junkies / Heiroglyphic Being / Highfish / Jeannie Hopper / Joris Voorn (live) / Kai Alce / Kelvin Larkin / KENNY LARKIN / Mike Grant / Mike Huckaby / Novamen Live dutch / Osunlade (Live) / Ramon / Recloose / Red Nose Distrikt / Reel People / Remy / Rockid (DMC Champion) / ROLANDO / Ron Trent / sean deason / Shortround / STACEY PULLEN / Tortured Soul (Live) / Traxx / Wajeed /
while we're on the techno tip, I recommend that any and all Chicagoland FOWs represent at Sound-Bar this weekend for the North American debut of Cosmic Twins ... one night only steez. for those who cannot possibly fathom being as much of a hipster as your Uncle Grambo is, the Cosmic Twins are probably better known as François K and Derrick May ... REVEALED! the duo promises "a music session unlike anything you have ever witnessed before, pushing the boundary of the live experience." shmears!
"well if that ain't love, tell me what is!" i'll tell you what's love, Lil Jackie Whizz ... it's called plastic cups of Bud Light and The Strokes at the State Theatre, beeyatch! for reals, while not quite as epic as their show last October (which Peabs famously described as "better than The Beatles"), it was quite possibly the hottest rock show that The D™ has seen in `04. the band sounded loud and tight, which coincidentally is exactly the way that Damore demands his women act in the sack! bovs, everyone hearts a screamer every now and then.
while the band was tigs and the beer was flowing, the highlight of the evening was DEFINITELY when Peabs spontaneously poured an entire beer over his head during "Automatic Stop" ... big ups to Ultragrrrl for starting a trend that's sweeping the nation. as captured by the dapper Brian I Keep A Diary, the walking personification of beauty and hottness known as Ultragrrrl (aka UltraOlsen) spontaneously doused herself with a Corona while we were getting all effed at Misshapes a few Saturdays back, and tales of said instance have been inspiring a nation of heavy drinkers to follow suit. first, it was Retrobuzz at Bananaz last weekend, now it's Peabs at the State Theatre ... who's next? it's fun for all ages and probably the best possible way to spend that $5 burning a hole in your pocket. REVEALED!
just when you thought that the Iraqi prison photos couldn't get any worse, pics will soon be revealed that show US troops sodomizing prisoners with glow sticks. howevs, before all y'all suckaz use this as another opportunity to bash my boy Rummy, these photos MUST be placed in the proper context. you see, the troops were rolling their tees off, sucking on pacifiers and listening to Sasha and Digweed's epic "Communicate" double album when these events went down ... UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ! give our boys and girls a break, yo!
hey Scarlett Johannson, what are you up to on August 6, 2004? since you were recently quoted as saying "Men never really come good until their thirties", I suggest that we rendezvizz on the eve of my 30th to the breaka breaka diggy diggy dawn! this way, your Uncle Grambo can help prove your theory of 30 being best and spread the word to the masses! shatts, by then I'll have cracked 1 million visitors! you know how to get in touch, sweetums.
i caught a few minutes of "Natural Born Killers" the other night on HBO, yo. i haven't seen the movie in years, so it REALLY struck me on this particular viewing that Sizemore looked like he was tweaking like CRAZY in that scene where he tries to seduce Mallory in her cell. well whaddaya know, homeboy just violated his probie after testing positive for meth. "NBK" ... some say the most drugged out set of all-time! Ollie Stone, Downey Jr., Woody H, Juliette Lewis ... all have spent time in the 'hab. for further details of what most will acknowledge as the craziest set of all-time, your Uncle highly suggests reading "Killer Instinct", written by Jane Hamsher (who served as one of the film's producers). buzz.
if you like your paragraphs made up of completely unrelated ideas, have I got a doozy for you! The new Elliott Smith jawn will likely end up with a fall release date. Jeff Probst was spotted at Scores on Sunday. Gideon Yago addressed Kanye West as "Mr. West" during an MTV News brief this morning. WTF!?!
Miss Modernage and your Uncle Grambo are on the same page, we BOTH hate the new Blogger. you know what's even worse? everyone who changed their template! i mean, no offense to those of you who did, but BAAAAAH! SHEEP! oh, and btw, this "I Power Blogger" button is even gayer than Rock Hudson when he was tossing Liberace's salad back at Charles Nelson Reilly's fuckpad in the summer of '57. bovs.
damn! today's edition of The NY Daily News calls Angela Chase, er, Claire Danes an "expression-free skinny malink." a WHAT? despite having a firm grasp on the English language, your Uncle Grambo freely admits that he has NEVER heard that word before. and guess what, neither has Merriam-Webster! hey Rush and / or Molloy, don't you know that making words up is MY TURF? or did you mean to drop racial bombs by calling her a "Malinke" (which, btw, is "a member of a people of Mandingo affiliation widespread in the western part of Africa")??? i give up, what exactly are you trying to say? CLAIRE DANES 4-EVER!posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, May 10, 2004
who do I look like over here, effing Rodney Dangerfizz? has any one single man, woman or child done more for the state of Michigan in 2003 and 2004 than your Uncle Grambo? methinks not, yo. so imagine, if you will, my disappointment in getting utterly dissed by The Detroit News when they released the list of those honored as Michiganians Of The Year. Aretha Franklin? shit, she torched her own home last year, not to mention the fact that the last time she had a hit song, George Michael was still straight! Bill Laimbeer? last time I checked, the only thing with less buzz than the WNBA is Franz Ferdinand! Dr. Susan Hendrix? a cursory glance at her bio reveals that she's NOT the mother of Jimi Hendrix, so there goes the only chance she had at earning buzz. what gives? I'm out here blogging and busting my balls EVERY SINGLE DAY (er, every single WEEK day), bringing you shots of teen starlets in bikinis (hello, Lindsay Lohan!) and drudging through British tabloids in search of revelatory hottness! and what thanks do I get? not even so much as a cursory mention in New York Magazine's profile of The D™ ... buncha effing tourists! shmears. [pic courtesy of That's Just Not Right]
speaking of a bunch of effing tourists, Last Tourist made their hometown debut at Paycheck's on Saturday night. formerly known as Immerse, the band delighted the packed house with an extended set of old classics and new faves. for those that were left ticketless after the gig sold out, consider yourselves fortch that Damore reviewed the show. natch!
Information Leafblower makes a triumphant return to NYC and managed to stay sober enough to turn in a review of last Thursday night's Moz performance @ The Apollo.
hey Dearborn. hey! The Grizz takes a look at a horror film written and directed by Dearborn High students. no word on whether JP McKrengels or My Brother Brennan cameo.
Cure-chella hits Detroit on August 11 and features The Cure, Interpol, The Rapture, Mogwai, Muse and Melissa Auf Der Best Ever. worth taking the day off?
if the NHL ends up going on strike next year, I'm sure that life at the Yzerman household will continue to go on. after all, Little Stevie Y could always get a gig appearing at birthday parties as "The Terminator" ... yeeesh!
finally, this hott Blind Item comes courtesy of one of my numerous agency peeps ... enjoy!
EDITOR'S NOTE: Btw, eff you Blogger! I got a bold idea, instead of just plowing ahead and redesigning your site and COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY FUCKING UP my entire archive of posts (as you'll discover, somehow ALL of my historical pages have now been destroyed / updated with this week's template), why don't you ASK me first if I'd like to upgrade to this new functionality? For reals, fuck you very much. I was a PAYING CUSTOMER of your site and now all of my old files have been overwritten with the rippling durstosity of Jennifer Capriati's muscles. Some say worst news ever. Durst.posted by uncle grambo |
"smokin' weed, doin' coke, drinkin' beers. pack a wraps my good man, it's time to kick back, drink some beer and smoke some weed!" well, not so much for your Uncle Grambo, as it's Monday morning and I gots a whole week in front of me. but if you're Brit Brit and you're chillin' with your WTBF in Amsterdam, obvs it's another story altogether. this dirrrty duo were spotted walking out of a "cafe" with a plastic bag of buzz in tow ... shmears. c'mon Brit Brit, it's one thing to fire up some pizz while you're in Amsterdam, but shouldn't you have lackeys go out and score it for you? no buzz. [pic courtesy of The Grouch]
in the history of bad ideas, here's a front-runner for Worst Evs!
as if anyone needed any definitive proof that Oasis is totally washed up, Noel Gallagher was spotted attending a FRANZ FERDINAND back-alley abortion in London! man, I cannot wait to go to that concert ... Damore and your Uncle Grambo are gonna tear the Majestic up that night! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RETROBUZZ CUZ YOU'RE A BUNCH OF EFFING STUDENTS, FRANZ FERDIDURST! mmmBEST!
howevs, if you're in search of buzz, look no further than the video for "Kick It", the collaboration between Peaches and Iggy Pop that first appeared on the "Fatherfucker" LP. as if seeing these two legendarily bad ass performers in a two-shot isn't hott enough for you (and shame on you if that's the case), the video also features zombies!!! uh, yes, I said ZOMBIES! holla!
The Olsen Twins set to skip their prom in order to host "Saturday Night Live" ... man, after getting trizzed by "Van Helsing" at the B.O. this weekend, maybe they oughta rethink their priorities. [via Nummer]
last night's debaucle in East Rutherford was almost enough to ruin my weekend. after The Pistons romped over The