SNL Season 29 – REVEALED!
Episode 10: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey/G-Unit (1/17/04)
The Rating System:
4 Coneys – Best Ever
0 Coneys – Worst Ever
0-10 Coneys – Garbage
11-20 Coneys – Needs Improvement
21-30 Coneys – Average
31-40 Coneys – Above Average
41-51 Coneys - Instant Classic
55+ Coneys - Unparalleled SNL Genius
Pre-show Comments (1/16/04):
Jason: I say no buzz. I've never seen an episode of Newlyweds because I can't stand watching these two idiots. I'm predicting SNL will really dumb down this weekend and rely mainly on dick and fart jokes to appeal to the MTV audience who will no doubt tune it. Expect to see an onslaught of Jarrod's Room, Boston Teens, Versache and every other played out sketch that appeals to the casual SNL viewer. Granted Jessica Simpson is hot, but she does not bring the capability of raising Season 29 out of it's current slump.
And who the hell is G-Unit? Since when do they let Gillette Razors act as musical guest? Who is playing with him? 2 Quarters? Half Dollar? I forgot his name.
FYI: There haven't been dual hosts on SNL since the Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger episode back in Season 19.
SNL this week. No buzz.
Heather: Unlike Nummer, I think this show has TONS o buzz!! Well, maybe except for the musical guest "Gunnit" (a.k.a G-Unit). I am absolutely fascinated with Newlyweds. Jessica's unbelievably flaky comments along with Nick's "What are you talking about?" responses can seriously keep me entertained for hours on end. I'm not quite sure how they'll handle doing live sketch comedy, but I've got some high hopes the amusement factor will still be there. I'm pretty certain we will see some really stupid skits, but I'm also anticipating some outrageous breakout ones to even the score. I am not at all expecting a super high coney count, but definitely some good quotes, at the very least, to come out of this week's episode.
G-Unit?? Seriously, you guys....G-UNIT?!! I want to know who exactly suggests and/or chooses these musical acts, because they really should be fired.
1. Cold Opening: Howard Dean Campaign Headquarters
Premise: Dean calls Democratic county chairmen for support
Jason: Since I hate Howard Dean, I thought this was pretty funny. I loved how Dean summed up the whole state of Iowa as nothing but corn and fat people. Dean. So worst!
Heather: This opener had potential, but unfortunately was a bit slow. I liked Richards’ impression of Howard Dean, but the way that you could tell he was saying “fork yourself” instead of “fuck yourself” was really getting on my nerves.
Jason: Seeing as they HAD to work singing into this monologue, I found this much more enjoyable than a whole actual song (Timberlake). Watching Nick while his microphone wasn’t working was pretty funny too. I think the only thing that killed the momentum was Maya trying once again to steal a sketch with her crappy singing.
Heather: Alrighty. Well, I can see right off the bat that, like the Timberlake episode, they’re going to rely highly on Simpson’s and Lachey’s singing abilities. I expected to see some dumb comments by Simpson, but she way overplayed it here. The monologue still held some good stuff though. Armisen’s and Keenan’s tap-dancing routine definitely had me chuckling. The barber string quartet wasn’t that bad, except leave it to Fallon to totally fuck up the dancing part. On the whole, this is about what I had anticipated for a monologue.
Premise: Tylenol especially formulated for testicular trauma
Jason: Another getting hit in the crotch bit. How ground breaking.
Heather: This was good. Sanz totally wailing on his ball sac was totally best!! I also got a kick out of Parnell kicking that little kid square in the nuts.
2 ½ Coneys
4. Sketch: Z-105 Morning Show
Premise: Fallon plays obnoxious characters on a one-man morning drive radio show
Jason: While not as good as the Andy Roddick episode installment, this sketch still got some laughs. Man in the Box saying “maybe she needs a tic tac up in there” was pretty funny, as was the Devin St. Germain gay character. The “and we’re baaack” seemed to be toned down a little this time around though. What’s up?
Heather: Oh Fallon. I can’t help it…this was hilarious. I’m now convinced that, besides Barry Gibb, this is his best character(s). I laughed pretty steadily throughout this sketch, especially with yet another addition of Lachey’s “gay manager,” Devin St. Germain. Simpson still looked pretty spacey, but both her and Lachey did a pretty good job.
5. Sketch: El Cantador Singing Mexican Restaurant
Premise: A married couple tries to reconcile in a Mexican restaurant with singing waiters
Jason: I didn’t get into this when I watched the episode live, but watching the tape later changed my mind. Sanz singing “She blinded me with Science” was totally best. Simpson was pretty good too with her tacos song. For having to work singing into the episode as much as possible, this was a pretty clever one.
Heather: This would’ve only been just decent had it not been for Sanz. He has been so funny lately!! “She blinded me with science! SCIENCE!!” So good, you guys. Yes, this was just another sketch aimed to showcase Simpson’s and Lachey’s voices, but luckily for us, I thought it ended up being a good choice.
2 ½ Coneys
6. Sketch: American Idol
Premise: Popular celebrity singers who “don’t sing that well” audition for Simon
Jason: Uggh. Talk about killing the show’s stride. This was nowhere near the best American Idol SNL parody (see Season 28’s Brody episode). This was just another excuse to get them both to sing again. And what was with Simpson’s Britney impression? It was exactly the way Poehler did it on last season’s Damon episode. Am I supposed to think it’s funnier because it’s coming from Jessica Simpson?
Heather: Of all the American Idol skits to date, this was by far the best. Everyone was so fucking hilarious!! I loved that they actually used real “singers” in the auditions, especially Lachey as “The Guy from Creed.” As funny as they all were though, I think the short montage of regular contestants at the beginning made me laugh the most.
7. Sketch: MTV Future
Premise: Glimpse at MTV shows 50 years into the future, including The Newlyweds Golden Anniversary Season
Jason: This was pretty good. I loved Simpson’s reaction when Nick told her to stop using the “drop the kids off at the pool” line. The whole Nick/eyeball rolling bit was clever too. You have to wonder if either Nick or Jessica even know the movie Soylent Green when the parody it though.
Heather: I thought this sketch was clever. It was able to draw on all of The Newlywed hype while actually being funny. Simpson and Lachey did an awesome job! Sure they were playing themselves, but at least they were able to pull off old person voices and mannerisms. Short peeks at the Real World Uranus and the 2054 Video Music Awards with 68-year-old hosts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and special musical guest Blanket Jackson also had me chuckling.
8. Sketch: American Beef Council Announcement
Premise: Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie talk about Mad Cow Disease
Jason: I’ve never seen the show, so I can’t speak to how accurate these impressions were. The only thing that really made me laugh was the picture of Dratch with the coney at the end.
Heather: YES!! I watched The Simple Life religiously over the past 6 weeks, so I’ve been waiting to see a spoof on the show for a while now. Too bad it wasn’t longer, but then again, maybe it was just the perfect amount of time! Simpson played Hilton a little more ditzy than I think she really acted, but Dratch hit the nail on the head with Richie. “I want to see two cows make out!” The end picture was best.
2 ½ Coneys
9. Music: G-Unit #1
Jason: Complete shit.
Heather: Didn’t hesitate to fast forward on this one. No interest whatsoever.
10. Weekend Update
Jason: This was a mild improvement over last week’s installment. Fallon’s flat out mullet was pretty annoying and distracting though. Made it even harder to listen to him.
Hammond’s Trump was hilarious. Despite appearing just last week, the impression was still fresh. The whole onion loaf hair jokes were great. And remember, “men don’t make passes at women who wear glasses”.
Poehler’s Michael Jackson kind of sucked (like usual), but Armisen and Forte’s song saved Update in the long run. Where has Forte been these last two episodes anyway?
Heather: What the hell Fallon?? Now he has an actual mullet?! So fucked up yo.
Anyways, the jokes here didn’t seem all that funny this time around. The standouts for me were Jack White’s trial / guitar throwing at Fallon and Fey’s bit about sex “making boys like you.”
Patrick and Gunther Kelly’s song about the confusion of the President’s actions was disappointingly not on par with their previous attempts. I still chuckled at the ear-piercing sound Forte was making.
The Donald Trump bit, however, really boosted the coney count for this WU. I love Hammond as Donald Trump!! Heggie and I have been laughing about “the onion loaf” for nearly a week straight now. It comes up in nearly every conversation, which are daily. I also laughed out loud at Trump’s offer to get Fey a job as a cocktail waitress at the “Taj.”
11. Sketch: The Sharon Osbourne Talk Show
Premise: Parody of the daytime show
Jason: I’m sick of these. What is this? The 200th MTV reference this episode? Other people are tuning in Lorne. Not every sketch has to be geared to this audience.
The only funny parts were watching the dog trying not to fall of the table and Ozzy complaining that he wants burritos, but can’t find the beans and salsa.
Heather: This was probably one of the better installments I’ve seen. It never ceases to amaze me how much Poehler can look and act like Sharon Osbourne. I couldn’t help but giggle at her staccato baby talk while bouncing Minnie up and down. I also found Simpson and Lachey pretty amusing as Carmen Elecktra and Dave Novaro. Regardless, I wouldn’t mind this being the last we see of this sketch for the season.
12. Sketch: Victoria’s Secret
Jason: For being a Maya sketch, I didn’t completely hate this. She actually brought out a seldom used voice (the last time I remember this one was the “Rich Men Dating Eldery Black Women” sketch from the Season 27 Baldwin episode). After it got past all the overused genital nickname bits, the sketch was watchable. Keenan fought to hold in laughter a few times too.
Heather: Hmm…well, I guess they couldn’t all be good. This sketch made me appreciate those before it because this episode could’ve easily fallen victim to humorless material like this. This was way too predictable and Maya’s voice was completely grating.
13. Sketch: McMahon, Tate & Stevens Advertising
Premise: Advertising agency pitches a campaign for the Northern California Nut Growers Association
Jason: Nothing but a rehasing of Baldwin’s old Schweaty Balls sketch – which itself seemed to me a ripoff of South Park’s “Chef’s Chocolate Salty Balls”.
Heather: This would’ve been a lot funnier had I not been reminded of Chef’s chocolate salty balls the whole time. It wasn’t entirely a lost cause though. Sanz did provide some comic relief as Bubba Sparxx, but overall this was a pretty weak sketch.
14. Music: G-Unit #2
Jason: Shittier than the first one.
Heather: Come on SNL!!!
15. Sketch: Chicken of the Sea Endorsement
Jason: C’mon? This is the SECOND time they’ve used the same joke in this episode. Third time on SNL this season if you count the Newlyweds sketch from the Timberlake episode. Come original SNL.
Heather: We all knew we were going to see a skit based on Simpson’s infamous tuna comment. I immediately rolled my eyes the minute this came on, but it ended up being rather amusing. I admit Simpson was annoying, but the increasingly ridiculous onslaught of brand names was pretty crafty. “Have a headache? You need Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet, the turkey flavored aspirin that comes in a tuna can. Just look for the tuna can with the chicken can on the label!” Obvs.
Jason: This episode was honestly as good as I expected it to be. The acting was horrible and the show totally dumbed itself down to cater to the added MTV audience who probably haven’t tuned in since Timberlake.
17 out 60 Coneys
Heather: Although I thought this would be a somewhat entertaining show, I was not expecting to be as funny as it was. It was a real nice surprise, to say the least! Simpson and Lachey were excellent as hosts. They seemed very relaxed and eager to make the show as good as it could be. Simpson did overplay it at times, but overall, I think they did better than some of the comedians and actors that have hosted in the past. And it was great to see the skits not depending entirely on their ability to sing. It’s just too bad that the debacle known as G-Unit had to blow an even higher coney count.
27.5 out of 60 Coneys
SNL Coney Rankings: Season 29 – REVEALED!
Andy Roddick/Dave Matthews – 41.5
Jack Black/John Mayer – 34.5
Justin Timberlake - 30
Alec Baldwin/Missy Elliot – 28.5
Halle Berry/Britney Spears – 27
Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas - 22
Al Sharpton/Pink – 21.5
Kelly Ripa/Outkast – 19
Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey/G-Unit - 17
Elijah Wood/Jet – 16.5
Jack Black/John Mayer – 34.5
Andy Roddick/Dave Matthews – 28.5
Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey/G-Unit – 27.5
Justin Timberlake – 26.5
Halle Berry/Britney Spears – 24
Alec Baldwin/Missy Elliot – 24
Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas - 23
Kelly Ripa/Outkast – 20
Elijah Wood/Jet – 18.5
Al Sharpton/Pink – 17.5