It's Gettin' Hot In Herrre

As a matter of principle, your Uncle Grambo doesn't normally use this forum to touch on sticky subjects that involve either politics or religion. It's not that I'm without an opinion, and it's not that I'm afraid to stir up some shit. It's more about the fact that I choose to spend my free time playing "Brain Age" rather than reading up on immigration reform or saving the whales. Priorities, yo. Howevs, in this sitch, I'm going to make a temporary exception.

Former DetNews staffer, current Edmunds columnist and long-time FOW M. Hudson Hawk wrote an incredibly clever piece after reading a column in Vanity Fair about Al Gore's upcoming film, "An Inconvenient Truth." Originally appearing in the May 24th edition of the DetNews, Hudson manages to wax sarcastic on the global warming threat in a way that would make Lord Sarc himself proud. Your Uncle Grambo loved this article on every conceivable level, which is why I'm excerpting it in full below (rather than relegating a sentence or two of it to Quote-A-Matic status). Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Mike Hudson: Car Culture
Environmental movie full of Gore
has familiar frights

Sorry Earth.

I'm writing to apologize. Not only for me, but for all motorists. First we create our dependence on foreign oil, encourage urban sprawl and make people sick from smog. Now, we're killing you with all our evil driving.

With every mile, you get a little warmer, I'm told. Or maybe, with every drop of gas I burn, a beaver gets evicted from his log. Whatever. The point is, I'm scared.

I just saw Vanity Fair magazine's review of Al Gore's enviro-epic flick "An Inconvenient Truth" that said if I was someone "who cares whether or not the human race still exists in 50 years" that I should see it. I'll probably go anyway.

Thank me for destruction

The poster has a clever little illustration showing something looking like Hurricane Katrina coming out a factory smokestack. That's the same carbon dioxide that comes out of our cars and the factories of my home state, so now we've got that on our plate, too. Every driver has to answer for their actions.

I'm not particularly anti-Earth. My track record shows outdoor activity up to and including hiking, biking and camping. I also contributed to several cleanup campaigns around town.

But soon a tidal wave of former icebergs teeming with displaced polar bears and penguins will sweep that all away. Thanks in part to me.

Mother Earth, you might be wondering why I'm taking this so hard considering this is obviously a worse-case scenario scare tactic. You don't see anyone giving up a trip to France on a carbon-belching jet to promote the film.

Warmer Detroit's a plus

Not to mention our history is filled with predictions of catastrophe from myriad fronts of human cause only to have nothing happen -- except large amounts of nail biting from us. I can't tell you how relieved I was when my blender didn't mount me on New Years a couple few calendars back.

Actually, I'm glad someone is working to get us freaking out again. No sooner had I tossed my anthrax suit in the trash after reading Saddam didn't cause September 11 than I came across this film. If it didn't feel like the world was going to end, it wouldn't really feel like a full day.

On the bright side, if they're right, Detroit will soon be warm on a regular basis. So it's kind of win-win for Michigan in the end. Oops, right. This is no time for jokes.

If I could afford it, I'd help save you by producing a film and flying all over the world to promote it. But I don't have the cash. Our only hope is that someone will actually prove this is happening and then lead by example in providing a calm and reasoned solution to the problem. We really are screwed.

Mike Hudson can be reached at mhudson@edmunds.com.

Two Sides Of The Same Coin?

Is it just your Uncle Grambo or do Kelly Brook and Anne Hathaway look more than a little bit like sisters? They both possess similar levels of bodaciously busty brunette bovstacity, if you catch my drizz.

If they were indeed sisters, Kelly would be the older one. You know, the one that got all of the good genes, the one that is SO ridiculously good looking that even infants sport wood in her presence. Anne would be the cute little sister who makes up for lack of natural beauty (witness her oh-so-slightly busted schnozz and the way red lipstick looks clownish on her) with a passionate penchant for getting nakes on camera (NSFW).

In other words, SO BEST!

Bynes Of The Times

It's been a long time since America first fell in love with Jennifer Aniston. In the 10 years since her infamous appearance on the cover of Rolling Stone, we've seen her mature from a curvaceous small screen sexbomb with a deft comedic touch to a Zone-d out divorcee who too often waxes melodramatic stizz on the silver screen. And with tracking for "The Break-Up" in in the not-so-proverbial toilet, movie columnist extraordinaire Jeffrey Wells has gone on record as saying that she's "probably one or two steps away from competing with Helen Hunt for HBO roles." Zing!

And in a foreboding prelude to what lies ahead, Maniston found herself thoroughly outclassed when one Miss Amanda Bynes arrived on the red carpet at last night's Hollywood premiere of "The Break-Up". Looking more stunningly gorge than this long-time fan can ever recall, Bynes is clearly getting primed for HER close-up, Mr. DeMille. Bovs on her respective tees (not to mention those bronzed gams).

RELATED: Looks like The Fiddler has been checking the wire for pics from last night's premiere, too. Pay witness as Spencer drops the hilarity hammer with extreme prejudice on Scary Lauren Adams and Jennifer Love Hewitt's cankles. So best.

With last night's triumphantly clutch performance in a Game 7 victory over the Spurs, Dirk Nowitzki just moved ahead of Sir Dirk Bogarde ("Darling") and Dirk from "Dragon's Lair" in the list of History's Greatest Dirks. If the Mavs manage to knock off the Suns to earn a trip to the NBA Finals, he'll pass Dirk Benedict (better known as Face Man from "The A-Team") into 2nd place on said list. But no matter how many NBA titles or individual accolades he manages to collect, the simple fact that he's a Kraut procludes him from ever having the opportunity to pass Dirk Diggler for Best Dirk Evs.

Like your falafels served with a healthy dose of insurgency? Try La Shish!

Note to self: Stay on the Iron Sheik's good side.

It's sad but true, but the zombie film genre has lacked a certain zest of late (even The Senator has switched her allegiances to "homocidal desert-dwelling nuclear mutants"). Which is why your Uncle Grambo is pumped for the impending (yet still TBD) release of "Fido", perhaps best described as the spawn of "Pleasantville" and "Shaun Of The Dead." Sounds to me like a prime candidate for a Midnight Movie at this year's TIFF ... developing! [via ONTD]

You know, your Uncle Grambo doesn't have a real problem with The Big House eschewing tradition to add luxury boxes. I do, however, have a real fucking issue with having to dial up Oldies 104.3 FM to hear Michigan football on the radio. Fuck that noise!

Propers to Scotty Stereogum and Matty Fluxblog for making Entertainment Weekly's Top 25 Music Websites.

Definitely Boobs McPhee!

Go Away, Cookie Man!

All hail the good, good people who run The Criterion Collection. For not only do they CONTINUE to bestow all of us hardcore DVD-philes with tantalizingly pristine transfers of classic films by the likes of Malle, Ozu and Welles, but they seem to possess an uncanny knack for selecting (and subsequently honoring) flix that one Ted Turner might deem as "the new classics" (that is, if he actually had buzz).

Pay witness the upcoming releases of both "Dazed and Confused" and, hold your breath, "Kicking and Screaming"!!! Are you effing kidds? The June release of Linklater's stunning opus ratifies the growing belief that "Dazed" was not only an epic to those of us who were in high school and college when the film was originally released in 1993, but that it is worthy of a place among in the American canon of cinematic classics.

And anyone out there who would rather fuck a cow than lose their mother knows that Noah Baumbach's feature debut is perhaps the most underrated film of the 1990s (not to mention your Uncle Grambo's #9 film of said decade). Fans have been clamoring for a DVD release since the very SECOND that DVDs were invented, so it comes as a delightful surprise that a company with the track record of Criterion decided to put it out. I'm so overjoyed that I'm going to grant them a pass for bestowing "The Life Aquatic" with their seal of approval (though I'm fairly certain that Disney money played a very significant hand in that deal). SO BEST!!!