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Friday, March 05, 2004  

olsen twizzles

after carefully considering the matter, i made the executive editorial decision to pull down the Martha post that once sat in this very place (damn you Choire, I bet you weren't sitting in Campaign Analytics when the news was announced!). my logic was such; even if the bit WAS good, someone else out there beat me to the punch.

with that being said, your Uncle Grambo is going to be bold and forthright in addressing the fact that I totally stole this photo from the good folks at Gothamist! total effing hottness, y'all.

sippin on gin and juice

posted by uncle grambo |

the big american party

Sir Buddis Lembeckevery Thursday at the world renowned Magic Stick, The Laser (aka Sir Buddis Lembeck) and Travis Analog throw down on the wheels of steel during "The Big American Party." if you're in The D on a Thursday night and you wanna get down with all the hott indie girls, there IS no better place to be. sidle up to the bar, order yourself a cold PBR or two and get down to the pajama jammy jamz as spun by this reckless duo. quickly becoming a Friday afternoon staple on whatevs.org, here is the set list from last night's madness. since The Laser won the pre-show coin toss, he got up on the decks first. smoove.

THE LASER SPUN ... Rock It — Herbie Hancock (They're break dance fighting) / Go On — The Elected (RiloKiley meets Dntel, fo real) / C'mon, Mom — The Elected (Two for Thursday) / theres never enough time — The Postal Service (Dntel continues) / Flicks — Frou Frou (ah ah) / You File — Denali (so sweet)

TRAVIS ANALOG SPUN ... 70K9 Man — Brainiac / I Can't Get No Satisfaction — Les Savy Fav / Salton City — Hot Snakes (give us a kiss) / Gay Bar — Electric Six (let's start a war... start a nuclear war) / Ghost Town — The Specials

THE LASER SPUN ... Paid For Loving — Love Jones (every muthafuckin day) / What's Going On? — Marvin Gaye (smoove) / Honeymoon — Phoenix (S Coppla says so) / City Girl — Kevin Shields (lost in tranny)

TRAVIS ANALOG SPUN ... Return to Omma Dawn — Antartica / Power Lunch — Har Mar Superstar (black pants suit / sexxxy pumps) / Fix, Up Look Sharp — Dizzee Rascal / Earth People — Dr Octagon (new york & california)

THE LASER SPUN ... Sacrifice — The Roots (b-boys representin) / Has It Come To This? — The Streets (Original Pirate Material) / White Lines — Grand Master Flash (higher baby, svbo in 04) / 'Bout That Time — Large Professor / Give It To Me Baby — Rick James (Cocaine is a crazy drug) / Kiss — Prince (Charlie Murphy would you like some pancakes?)

TRAVIS ANALOG SPUN ... Last Night A DJ Saved My Life — Indeep (Inspired by GTA Vice City) / Lucky Star — Madonna (Oi I love this track!) / Holiday Inn — Chingy (the floor was a little light) / Hella Good — NoDoubt (Gwen) / Little Girls — Oingo Boingo (The new BAP Anthem!) / Relax — Frankie Goes to Hollywood (KILL the Malaysian Prime Minister!!)

THE LASER SPUN ... What Difference Does It Make? — The Smiths (really does it matter?) / Boys Don't Cry — The Cure (i try to laugh about it) Let Me Clear My Throat — DJ Kool (on the count of three do what i say) / Hypnotize — The Notorious B.I.G. / Poison — Bell Biv Devoe (Slick blowin' so worth it) / Ragtime Interlude and I'm Really Hot — Missy Elliott (shake my breasts) / Brass Monkey — The Beastie Boys / Toxic — Brit Brit (grr)

TRAVIS ANALOG SPUN ... Like I Love You — Timbo (The Thicke Grrls) / Simon Says — Pharoach Monche (Boiler Room props) / Whip It — Devo / In Da Club(Closer Dub) — 50 (I Wanna Fuck you like a Gangsta) / Agenda Suicide — The Faint / The Way You Move — Outkast / Paint it Black — The Rolling Stones (inspired by Kevin Bacon)

THE LASER SPUN ... Out of the Races and Onto the Tracks — The Rapture (a love/hate relationship w/ this song) / Here I Go Again — Whitesnake (frank the tank trib) / Pour Some Sugar On Me — Def Leppard (easy operator come knocking on my door)

TRAVIS ANALOG SPUN ... Song 2 — Blur (for the cute english girl) / Notorious — Duran Duran (sparklemotion) / Just Can't Get Enough — DepecheMode

THE LASER SPUN ... Living on a Prayer — Bon Jovi (requests in a english accents are a sure thing) / Easy Lover — Phil Collins featuring Phillip Bailey (PC on drums, pobvs) / The Glory of Love — Peter Cetera (ah Daniel Son) / Spanish Flea — Herb Alpert & The TJ Brass (notice the verticallity)

posted by uncle grambo |

sex with aliens

we're all adults here, so I feel like it's about damn time that we lower our guard, be honest with each other and get something out in the open. it's a question that's been on my mind for months, if not years ... who out there has imagined having sex with aliens? if you're raising your hand, not only are you one sick puppydogg, but you're probably got the right stuff to be besties with Wacko Jacko!!! apparently The Gloved One once owned a porno entitled "Sex With Aliens" ... can you believe it? not "Big Black Lactating Tees All Up In Yo Mizz" or "Salad Tossing With Alex Sanders", but an actual porno called "Sex With Aliens"! other things revealed as in a stash of items given to a tycoon in order to settle a legal dispute include Jacko's sex toys, underwear and skin bleaching cream. truly, truly astonishing and truly, truly gross.

while we're on the subject of the Jackson clan, if you weren't satisfied with the sight of just one Janet nipple, take a look at both of the Rhythm Nation hooters revealed. tabloid stizz. TOTALLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK, nor is it safe for anyone who wants to have a normal sex life ever again. g-r-o-s-s!!! take that, Fleshbot!

after two consecutive Jackson family items, it's time to switch gears into something that will bring smiles to the faces of every "Angel" and "BtVS" fan out there. in a recent interview with Sci-Fi Wire, Sarah Michelle Gellar has admitted that she's definitely open to participating in the series finale of "Angel" !!! direct quote buzz!

"If everything falls into place, and it feels like the right thing at the time for the right people. ... But no one's contacted me. I'll be totally honest. And it depends. I think. I go back and forth on the idea, especially because ANGEL had such a hard time, in my opinion, always getting out from BUFFY's shadow. And it never got to stand on its own. And I would hate for it to go out being about Buffy. It'll all depend on if I'm home in time and what the ideas are."

out in The Roch, it isn't the thought of a nuclear power plant or prison that gets citizens up in arms and yelling "Not in MY backyard!" Instead, it's whether or not a new 35,000 square foot gourmet grocery shop should be issued a building permit. it looks like the folks who own Papa Joe's are going to be victorious, especially after kicking in $1MM of their own dollars for road repairs. schmobvs.

Benoit Benjamin and Chris Morris. more blasts from the past are emerging in the Jayson Williams trial. buzz.

finally, if you're making your way down to SXSW next week, I highly suggest you take a few minutes out from rockin' to get your Lit Fix on. Claire Zulkey will be accompanied by special guest Neal Pollack for a reading, yo. pure hottness. i think she'll be reading from her New York Times future bestseller, "Girls Girls Girls" ... buy it before your neighbor. trust me, it's the COOLEST!

posted by uncle grambo |

snl season 29 ... REVEALED!

i'll probably get smacked around by all the Anglophile luvvin' lasses who frequent this site, but as recently as one year ago today, Colin Firth had buzz negativo. a quick search on the IMDB reveals that he was just another wanker trying to coast on Hugh Grant's buzz. let's face facts, his career didn't hit full stride until he appeared alongside the lovely Amanda Bynes in "What A Girl Wants" last March! since then, it's been nothing but success after success. "Love Actually", "Girl With A Pearl Earring" and now a hosting gig on SNL. but while Firth has now got a first-class ticket on the Buzz Train, I'll leave the buzzworthiness of this week's SNL up to the masters. ladies and germs, I proudly present this week's pre-show comments courtesy of the ever reliable Nummer and H-Bomb...

Episode 14: Colin Firth / Norah Jones (3/6/04)

Colin Firth. Like most, I know him only because of recent romantic comedies like "Love Actually" and "Bridget Jones' Diary". He sort of blended into both of those films, so I'm having trouble guessing how he'll do singled out in the spotlight. I do have more faith in him than other recent hosts however. I'm sure this weekend's SNL will continue the momentum started with the Aguilera episode two weeks ago.

As for Norah Jones, I say buzz. I think it's odd she is the musical guest already again though. She last performed just 15 months ago on the dreaded DeNiro episode of December 2002. I gave her a combined coney count of 5 (out of 8) for that appearance and I'm sure this episode's total will hover somewhere around that number. Best.

In a nutshell, although this episode may appeal more to the middle aged crowd, I think it has buzz. Too bad I'll miss it live due to a Detroit stop by The Walkmen. God bless "The Rat"!

Except for maybe "The English Patient" , which I barely remember him in, I have never seen any Colin Firth movies. In other words, I'm pretty much at a loss for how he'll do this week as the SNL host. Seeming as he is an actor, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt at doing a decent job, although that has been proven to be not always be the case with the more recent hosts. I guess we'll see.

Norah Jones, on the otherhand, will undoubtedly give a couple of great performances. Although she did appear just last season, with all the buzz around her right now and SNL's streak of mediocre musical guests this season, she is definitely a good pick.

posted by uncle grambo |
Thursday, March 04, 2004  

run Lizzie run!

NOT Lizzie Spiersget ur Clara Bow on, girl! how come no one told me that Spiers has gone red??? it's ONLY the biggest development in the blogging world since TMFTML got dreads! wake up people, I'm way over here in Detroit! you need to keep me up to speed on these sorts of things! bless the heavens that Scott Stereogum hasn't fallen asleep at the wheel...

"I may only have one year of experience, but it was more than one year, believe me." ... uh, is there something that Alan Trammell isn't telling us? like, does he have a grey DeLorean stored in his garage? has he hired Doc Brown to be the third base coach? is Tram back on the Oxy? [via The Kutch]

fashion alert! fashion alert! our favourite Left Coast diva, Just Jazz, is reporting that a number of B-List actors have recently been spotted donning tapered jeans and white Reeboks. granted, these B-Listers include the likes of Andy Richter and John Stamos, but could our little Jazz be onto something here? prediction: we'll read about it on E! in a week's time.

while the Benicio / Scarlett Oscar-night tryst may be old news by now, this most certainly isn't. this is a direct quote lifted from the VERY well-connected Anonymous Outsider:

A drug-peddling snitch assures me that only two years ago del Toro was smoking free-base into the wee hours with Abel Ferrara, the notoriously off beat Indy director of such cult hits as “Bad Lieutenant” and “King of New York.”

instant buzz for del Toro! no, not for freebasing (no buzz since Pryor blew up his face), but for hanging out with the legendary Abel Ferrara!!! the visionary director's battles with the glass dick have been well documented over the years, perhaps most infamously during Vincent Gallo's interview with Vincent Gallo. in addition, The Grizz and your Uncle Grambo will also cop to witnessing him cracked out of his gourd during the North American premiere of "The Blackout" at the 1997 Toronto Film Festival. but this is breaking del Toro buzz, perhaps his inner demons helped him portray an addict so convincingly in "21 Grams"? developing...

i was combing through my archives earlier this morning in search of some buzz to pass along to a co-worker and I stumbled across this photo of the TrachtenHottness. after seeing "Eurotrip" this weekend, I can officially confirm that this is a still that was left on the cutting room floor! some say this renders the DVD a must-purchase, so much Deleted Scenes buzz! some say EVEN hotter than the Carrot Top commentary on "Rules Of Attraction"!

let's hope that John Kerry is an active reader of The New York Times op-ed page, because Bill Clinton as vice-presidential candidate sounds like a no-lose proposition to me! Clinton ... so best! [via Matthew Tobey]

finally, I'd just like to pass along some great news for some well-respected members of the FOW Nation. the extremely excellent crew that runs 1115.org has been invited to talk about blogs, politics and music on San Francisco's Live 105 FM next Wednesday, March 10! while it seems that your Uncle may have played a very minor role in this buzztastic hookup, it's readily apparent that the nation (starting with their hometown) is finally catching on to one of The Blogosphere's™ best-kept secrets. congratulations to Matt, Jason and (NYC-based) Jamie for continuing to churn out consistently high-quality (and totally rad) content on a daily basis. shmears!

posted by uncle grambo |

act yo' age, momma (not your shoe size)

fuck yeah! yesterday, your Uncle Grambo got his swerve on Detroit-stizz with some bowling and karaoke. after bowling three mediocre games (111, 125 and 142), the crew headed over Augie's for some maxed-out WT karaoke action. while i normally would NEVER get up on stage and rock out, i'm here to attest that Jäger Bombs are highly effective at lowering your inhibitions. the highlight was a wildly drunken, pitch-perfect falsetto performance of "Kiss" (Prince Rogers Nelson stizz) that literally generated applause from the renegade redneck strangers who frequent this dive. pure and utter hottness.

it's just too bad that Bernard Robinson Jr. had to go and turn in a 1 for 9 shooting performance in Michigan's BRUTAL loss to Hoosier Nation. have fun in the NIT, punk ass! while you may have an NBA body, your game isn't good enough to start during a pick-up game at the Joe Dumars Fieldhouse. turn out the lights, say "buh bye" and be sure to drink your quiet juice on your road to insignificance! fucker.

lindsay, scott stereogum and your Uncle G.another day, another story on bloggers! this time, howevs, this time all the focus revolves around the fairer sex; female bloggers such as the devastatingly best Lindsay Lindsayism (pictured at right, along with Scott Stereogum and your Uncle Grambo), Mary Elizabeth Spiers and Jen Gothamist get the deluxe treatment, and Miss Lindsay's photo even made it online! rumours have it that the print edition features more photographs of your fave female bloggers, though it appears that both Eurotrash and Maccers have sadly decided to retain their anonymity. no buzz!

future love paradise, indeed! howevs, the thought of Seal banging a very-preggo Heidi Klum is enough to make me want to vomit all over my keybizz. snatch.

"Threesomes, masturbation, bondage, man-on-man and woman-on-woman action" ... just another night out on the town with Peabs and Coz? quite likely, but in this instance we're definitely talking about the launch of Britney's "Onyx Hotel" tour. after reading the reviews, I'm definitely reconsidering my decision to forego this concert. anyone have suite tix?

now Ray Liotta doesn't have to scream at Karen anymore ... he can fax her!

this gives me just enough reason to justify a purchase of "Firefly" on DVD. Joss Whedon hired to script and direct a feature film adaptation of the recently-cancelled series.

and in news that will make JP McKrengels jump for joy, new episodes of "The Family Guy" will begin production in April. no official word from creator Seth McFarlane on where the series will initially air (Fox? Comedy Central?); either way, this is buzz of the utmost degree! so effing hott I can't even stand it. shmears all over your bovs.

posted by uncle grambo |
Wednesday, March 03, 2004  

the hott corner

if you woke up this morning thinking that today was just another average day, YOU WERE WRONG! wake up mofos, cuz today is officially INTERNATIONAL TOMMY BROOKENS DAY! that's right, the no-nonsense stalwart of the 1980s Tigers infield is being celebrated by Rob Theakston and a gang of celebrity contributors (including Carl Craig and your Uncle Grambo). I highly suggest clicking through, yo.

displaying some Graham-esque skills at the charity stripe, Chris Hill bricked two free throws in the closing seconds in last night's MSU / Wisconsin match-up (maybe they would've gone in had the game been held on an aircraft carrier?) . and while I'm hoping that the Green and White will do well in March Madness, I'm right there with Rob Parker when he states the obvious fact that The Sparty's haven't won a big game all year. that being said, we've learned enough over the years to NEVER count out a Tom Izzo-coached squad when it comes tourney time. obvs.

McDonald's super-size portions are going the way of the Wooly Mammoth, as The House That Ronald Built crumbles to pressure from health groups and bad parents everywhere.

when I was a fantasy-fiction obsessed grade schooler, I never really dug the works of J.R.R. Tolkien. i was fixated more on the works of Lloyd Alexander and C.S. Lewis, particularily the latter's "Chronicles Of Narnia" series. which is why I'm semi-psyched to discover the news that Disney has greenlit a live-action adaptation of "The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe" ... everyone is seeing green in the fantasy-film realm after the runaway cash cow that was the "LOTR" trilogy, which is why this announcement is actually making me a little nervous. in addish, why hand the project off to Andrew Adamson, director of both "Shrek" flix? personally, I'd love to see someone a real-visual artist like Alex Proyas ("The Crow", "Dark City") or Vincent Ward ("What Dreams May Come") take the helm. while I will keep my fingers crossed, the heavens are seemingly pointing more towards greed and less towards artistic integrity in this instance.

Brit Brit's impossibly catchy "Toxic" reaches #1 on the UK Charts. BUZZ!

my girl Cuthies is lined-up to star in an upcoming remake of "House Of Wax" ... can you imagine those tees in 3-D? uh, BEST!

has The Detroit News completely given up on the local music scene or whut? contributions from The Grizz and Melody Baetens notwithstanding, this paper will continue to play fourth fiddle to The Freep, The Metro Times and (gasp!) Real Detroit until they get a full-time music writer on board. but then again, the staff doesn't even have a full-time TV writer ... I swear, if it weren't for the aforementioned duo (and the work of M. Hudson Hawk), I wouldn't even bother to read The DetNews at all. and how many readers out there have family members and close friends on staff? I'm betting not too many. all that being said, The Freep's Brian McCollum previews this weekend's Hamtramck Blowout.

that's gonna be it for the day, yo. your Uncle Grambo will be off at Thunderbird Lanes getting my Lebowski on during an off-site corporate outing ("that creep can roll, man!"). catch y'all on the flipside.

posted by uncle grambo |
Tuesday, March 02, 2004  

wave of mutilation

"Obviously the book will be of great interest to music lovers, self-publishers and renegades in all media, and film rights purchasers -- you wonder why Carpenter didn't forgo the book and sell that screenplay." i've got an answer for you, Mr. Sicha ... it's because the screenplay has already been written and it was called "Pump Up The Volume"! nonetheless, your Uncle Grambo would like to congratulate Choire on his well-written review of "40 Watts From Nowhere" in this weekend's NYTBR [via TMFTML]

MAJOR scoop courtesy of The Corsair ... while Oscar night is all about partying and networking, who woulda guessed that by night's end Benicio del Toro would be banging Scarlett Johansson? but in even stranger news, Page Six is reporting that Vincent Gallo and Cheryl Tiegs arrived at a party hand-in-hand ... man, what's THAT all about? you guessed it, both angles are ... DEVELOPING!

former WWF great Jake "The Snake" Roberts charged with animal cruelty in the starvation death of his pet python, Damien. wow, add this to the major crack habit caught on camera in "Beyond The Mat" and what you've got is one world-class jackanapes.

get your calendar straightened out for this weekend's Hamtramck Blowout with Motor City Rock's Hot List: Blowout 2004. while the MCR crew does a fine job, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that The Prime Ministers are playing at Paycheck's @ 10:15pm (precisely!) on Thursday, March 4th. if you can't make it to that gig, keep your eye on March 12th when The Berkley Front hosts "A Very Special Evening With The Prime Ministers."

so effing revealed. Davis ... so best. "King Of New York: Special Edition" streets on April 20th (includes a documentary entitled "The Search For Abel Ferrara"!!!), "Trainspotting: Collector Series" on June 1, "Reality Bites: Anniversary Edition" hits the small screen on June 8 and "Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Vol. 2" arrives on June 15. three straight tuesdays of Best Buy love, y'all!

corporate consolidation further erodes the music industry today, as Warner Music is looking to "rightsize" itself by eliminating 20% of its workforce in the next 30 days. Coolfer was all over this story when it broke and So Says I obtained a copy of the memo that Bronfman delivered to his "colleagues" (aka "underlings"). no buzz. [second link via Beat Royalty]

posted by uncle grambo |

who else hearts miss modernage?

i don't know about you, but your Uncle Grambo certainly misses the good ole days when Laura Modernage ruled the world. this post was a glorious (although, sadly, temporary) return to form for everyone's favourite "scenester" ... anyone else out there excited for the impending VH-1 special, "When Bloggers Ruled The World"? hell, they've already had topics as varied as Disco, Hair Bands and Stand-Up Comedians, aren't bloggers next on the food chain?

saw this one even clearer than a fastball thrown by Corky from "Life Goes On" ... Barry Bonds and steroids are officially linked. the gross thing (ASIDE from the size of his melon) is that Barry wasn't JUST roided-out during his 73 home run season, The SF Chronicle is reporting that he was also taking human growth hormones. now that's some effed up shizz. unless the MLB does something about it, pretty soon these records will have all the credibility of the East German Olympic athletics program ... zippo.

c'mon now, isn't there a better market to corner in the film industry than the Dead Athlete Made For TV Biopic? if you're Barry Pepper, apparently not. with appearances in "61*" and an upcoming Dale Earnhardt Sr. project, it looks like Barry Pepps might one day escape the grisly shadow of "Battlefield Earth."

hi, remember me? would you care to start off with an appetizer this evening?

no WAY! the very-much-still-alive Lizzie Spiers blogs about Entertainment Weekly's Oscar Party on Sunday, in which she sat at a table with (get this!) Regis, Elizabeth Filarski, Star Jones, Peter Boyle and Liza Minelli! too hot to handle, too cold to hold.

the jokes are going to write themselves, so I suggest you just stand back and watch. Dick Clark Sued for Age Discrimination.

what's that? you say you missed the Y.P. oscaRs? unless you're alright with continuing your fractured buzzless existence by not knowing who won such hotly contested races as "Best Honksploitation of a Whitey Playin' Gangsta", "Most Uncomfortable Homoerotic Moment" and the "Special Uncle Grambo Award for So Effing Best Hott Underage Ingénue Jailbait", I suggest your ass clicks through. shmears.

wax that ass ... literally! Clinton Township's Aroma Shoppe & Candle Stop exposed as a House of Handjobs!

worst search string leading to a whatevs.org visit evs! "Did Ruben Studdard Have Unprotected Sex" ... fuck if I know!

"Real World San Diego's" token Asian / mysteriously quiet hottie busted on DUI charges. robvs. [via Scott Stereogum]

you don't say!!! when asked for comment about the 62 homicides that have taken place in Detroit since January 1, Detroit Police Officer Glen Woods is quoted as saying, "We hit a bad streak."

some say best use of the word "revealed" evs! Revealed: How pigeons find their way home. BUZZ! [via The Grizz]

finally, I have just been scooped as to the Best Double Bill since the GnR / Metallica tour of 1991. yes indeed, you minions heard it here first! Bob Guiney and Brian Vander Ark (of Verve Pipe fame, snatch)!!! Magic Bag! March 24th! be there or ess my effing dee!

posted by uncle grambo |

blogger's block

sometimes when i sit down to compose the elegant prose (rhyme time muthafucka!) that you witness here on whatevs.org, i occasionally run into a stumbling block (or nine). sometimes, there's an utter dearth of buzzworthy material out there. in other instances, there just isn't enough time to put my thoughts together into a (relatively speaking) cohesive post. and then there are days like today, in which the creative juices are flowing in a fashion that makes those bitch ass punks at Tropicana jealous. i'm talking MASSIVE amounts of buzz and ideas, so many that i can barely get them all onto the screen before they evaporate. unfortunately for you, The Reader, most of these ideas are on a larger scale than what I normally tackle on this humble blog ... they are BIG ideas that require time and dedication, careful refinement and some "real" writing / editing skills. so while you won't be reading any of those at the moment, I'd like to direct you to a few other places where ridunk-a-dunk amounts of hottness can be found.

as usual, we start off with the salacious adventures of the Obvs in `04™ Campaign. it's only fitting that on this most superous of Super Tuesdays, Peabs has finally located the long-missing Spaulding Gray ... at a Hollywood Hills brothel, no less!

"Last night, Coz took a few (and by "few," I mean twelve hundred) hits of acid and wandered around LA with Jazz, while I barricaded myself in my Hollywood Hills sex pad with a kilo of blow, a squirt gun filled with soy sauce and Paul Williams. We sat around singing "The Rainbow Connection" for ten hours straight, and it suddenly occurred to Peabs that Spaulding Grey was sitting on my lap with a lollipop in his mizz, and a bright fuchsia leotard around his torso. So, for those of you wondering where Spauldy is, he was rolling his tats off and double-teaming call girls with yours effing truly last night. Schmobvs."

open question to Chicha ... Should Peabs and I be flattered by this? or is this your way of saying that we sleep with the fishes?

"Note to producers (of Average Joe 2): Next time you say 'there will be a big fucking surprise' i want you to bring Fabio TO THE SET to fuck the girl infront of the guy she choose while his hair is blowing whistfully in the wind!" ah yes, the lovely and talented Ultragrrrl rails on sheer lame-osity of last night's finale of "Average Joe 2." totally brills.

leave it to Eurotrash to spin a fascinating (and completely unique) take about a certain Rochester Adams High School graduate's thoughts on Sean Penn bringing home the Academy Award for Best Actor:

"And as Madonna sat there last night munching on her tofu popcorn and watching the man she used to have sex with winning an Oscar, I wondered did she hate him? Did she throw things at the TV and rage loudly how some people just get the lucky breaks and some people never get the full appreciation their talents deserve? Or did she get out her personal copy of Swept Away, shove it in the DVD player and weep bitter tears of loss, abandonment and bile."

and if you're STILL looking for Oscar recap hottness, I would like to suggest the written stylings of Fifty Five Hundred and Karen Plus One ("despite the handicap of having a semi-crippled mouth and irksome resulting speech impediment, holly hunter looked damn good."). buzz!

color me fascinated. the worldy man-about-town Rob Theakston brings Maw along for the ride in Part I of The Crest White Strips Experiment.

although she was pronounced dead at the scene, Miss Mary Elizabeth Spiers rose from the ashes of spite-filled rumour mongering like The Caviezel did before her. taking this motif to the extreme, TMFTML takes on "The Passion Of The Spiers."

Mischa Barfinby the end of the decade, I predict that Detroit media outlets will "discover" the blog. but like so many trends before it, by the time the movement reaches the Fly Over States, it will have lost all of its buzz. until then, Midwestern bloggers like Zulkey, Peabs and my lonesome will have to use our imagination and place ourselves into articles like these. in this tome, The Village Voice explores the means in which Bloggers are creating a new social caste system in NYC. so riddle me this ... while the article's author is raging against the blogging machine, should readers consider it a mere coincidence that said author is the subject of today's Gothamist Interview?

my two bits. while The Blogosphere is a pretty tight knit circle, it's anything BUT exclusionary. clique-ish? definitely. exclusionary? not so much. my recent foray into the city just goes to prove this. all you need to make it in The Blog Game is internet access and the ability to string together a thought or two. personally, your Uncle Grambo is right there with Sarah; while blogging definitely has its perks, if "it all" went away one day, I'd STILL be out there posting about the starpower of Michelle TrachtenBest or why Julia Robert's bad dye job at The Oscars signals that she's preggo. hell, i'll be discussing Mischa Barfin's scary descent into Karen Carpenterville until she decides to mix in a Bacon Double Chee or three. so why does all the recent press on blogging have to be focused on the negative consequences of the medium?

posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, March 01, 2004  

bulletproof (i wish i was)

Worst.Dress.Everyou know the drill.

  • while Joan Rivers doesn't come on for another eleven hours, it looks as if Uma Thurman will be taking home this year's prize for Worst Dressed at the Oscars. while Chicha called her "A glazed meringue, attacked by bohemian window drapes", The NY Daily News had this to say: "The blond glamazon gave bed sheets a bad name when she wrapped herself up in one and tied her middle with what looked like a dishrag." ouch.

  • if you're left wanting MORE MORE MORE Oscar coverage, I suggest you check out recaps at the following sites: Gothamist, HipHopMusic.com and Bunsen. but hold your horses for one quick moment, before you click through to any of those sites, I demand that you pay homage to the post-Oscar partying of So Sayeth The Peabs:

    "After the little run-in with last night's Best Director winner, I invited Naomi Watts (in Versace) back to my place in the Hills and we freebased absinthe and injected Botox into each other's earlobes. Heath Ledger (wearing Yves St. Laurant) just sat back watching, trying to direct us, but he was so fucking spaced out on mescaline he thought he was Truffant. Cosby got in late, wearing Christian Dior (snatch), and proceeded to do more cocaine than I've ever seen anyone not named Peabs consume."

  • okay, so you thought it was bad that Chris Webber illegally accepted "aid" during his days with the Fab Five? well then get this ... turns out that C. Webb started riding the Ed Martin gravy train during his days at Detroit Country Day HS, and now the MHSAA is asking the school to forfeit its three state basketball championships from 1989 - 1991. C. Webb ... so wurst.

  • speaking of The Wolverines, my boys are still hanging on the bubble after putting the screws to the Buckeyes this weekend. if they can pick up wins versus Indiana and Northwestern this week AND manage to get through to the second round of the Big Ten Tournament, I'd say their chances at getting a March Madness at-large bid are SOLID. buzz.

  • new photos from this year's big Memorial Day event movie, "The Day After Tomorrow", are up over at Movie City News. and a new trailer reveals Donnie Darko buzz!

  • BROWN SUGAR, how come you taste so good? another notch on the bedpost for the Lusty Leprechaun, Mr. Colin Farrell. once again proving that he's an equal opportunity sex machine, he's been hitting them Rosario Dawson skins. so so def, Naturelle stizz.

  • QOTD: "NO one can work a roomful of gays into a sweat like KYLIE MINOGUE." [The Sun]

  • i know this is a rarity, but I would like to applaud The Freep's Brian "Don't Call Me Brain" McCollum for the journalistic acumen on display in his Von Bondies piece that ran in Sunday's paper. grabbing quotes from the likes of Seymour Stein? gotta love that.

  • last but certainly not least, what's this all about? Choire Gawker is reporting this morning on "The Death Of The Kicker" ... for those not as closely in tune with The Blogiverseosphericus™, The Kicker is the home to the writings of Miss Mary Elizabeth Spiers, world-renowned Queen of The Blogs. after leaving Gawker, Spiers (pronounced SPY-ers) launched "The Kicker" while on duty at New York Magazine. now, if you've been following Romenesko of late, you'll know that a new editor recently took over NY Magazine ... as of Monday morning, clicking through to the former URL of The Kicker (http://thekicker.nymetro.com) takes the user to the New York Metro Restaurant, Store and Bar Database Search ... WTF? these developments BEG the question, "Whassup with Spiers?" where the eff is DRUDGE!!! when you need him? DEVELOPING...

    UPDATE (2:10pm EST): It's only a flesh wound, not dead yet! Lizzie Spiers fills us all in on the recent goings-on. turns out it's some sort of server resolution issue (or something) ... good stuff. glad to see that Miss Elizabeth is still alive and kicking, Simple Minds stizz. howevs, it seems like Gawker's premature (and snarky) eulogy for The Kicker has stirred up some bad blood betwixt the two friends. DEVELOPING...

posted by uncle grambo |

going to the well...

...once too often, yo. in a recent issue of Esquire, the supreme Robert Altman was quoted as saying "The worst trap you can fall into is imitating yourself." paying no heed to those wise words, your Uncle Grambo is going to attempt to recreate that Grammy magic from three weeks ago with a (mostly) live interpretation of the goings-on at tonight's Academy Awards. so without further ado, the hottness shall commence.

Rack de Menounos 8:01 - Chris Connelly drops the first classic line of the evening when commenting on the prominently displayed Rack de Menounos ... "those must be the happiest diamonds in hollywood!" and HOW!

8:04 - Solidarity brotha! When asked by Maria Menounos for an Oscar pick, Will Smith represents for the community with a bold pick of Djimon Honsou. it just goes to show that it's never too early to break out the race card, yo.

8:07 — Stiller and Owen Wilson echo the sentiments of a nation as they admire the Rack de Menounos ... repeatedly! I smell a recurring theme.

8:15 — out of NOWHERE, Chris Connelly drops some choice whatevs.org slang ("stiffest competish") when discussing the Best Actress race. is there an obvs reference in store this evening?

Smugglin' Raisins is The Hottness in 048:18 — leave it up to Angelina Best Evs to give the nation the first vision of raisin smuggling. her form-fitting and saucily silky number is immediately ratcheted up to the evening's best dress. shmears.

8:29 — in what will certainly be the most heartfelt and honest moment of the evening, Best Actress nominee Keisha Castle-Hughes is LITERALLY rendered speechless when meeting the "studly" Johnny Depp. totally best evs, for sure.

8:30 — Sean Connery opens up the evening's festivities and I can only think one thing ... did he bang Zeta-Jones on the set of "Entrapment"? let's hope so.

8:37 — thank god I've got tons of hard drugs available to me as I sit here on my couch, for we've just had to deal with at least ten shots of a topless Billy Crystal. double-u tee eff? worst buzz evs. obvs.

8:38 — Billy Crystal drops the not one, not two, but THREE Mel Gibson / "Passion" jokes in the span of less than sixty seconds. i smell another trend, but this trend simply doesn't compare to the buzz of the Rack de Menonous.

8:48 — for reasons that can only be attributed to a Viagra induced delusion of grandeur, Michael Douglas channels Bono with some completely effed up blue-framed sunglasses.

8:52 — somewhere Michael Moore is seething and ABC sensors are blissed out on Xanax, as Tim Robbins made his way through an entire acceptance speech without busting any liberal political props. what, no love for Kuchnich? embrace the leftie within Tim, EMBRACE THE LEFTY WITHIN!

8:56 - 9:17 — LORD! of the ... (snore) LORD! of the ... (snore) ... many apologies for not giving two shits about "LOTR" anymore.

9:20 — i'm goin' ta Wichita! Zellweggs finally claims a statuette and thanks Tom Cruise. seizing the opportunity like the almighty Jack Horner, the show's director cuts immediately to a reaction shot of Nicole Kidman. no smirking nor flinching on her behalf. props.

9:26 — feeling a little verklempt during this tribute to Bobby Hope. pardon me for a second, please talk amongst yo selves. sniff sniff (that's just a blow break, not a hankie moment. Mom, if you're reading this, this is what they call "satire" ... shmears).

9:30 — ABC show a promo for an upcoming Natalie Wood tv biopic, directed by none other than the legendary Peter Bogdanovich. oh, how the mighty have fallen. i suppose we'll always have "Mr. Jealousy" and "Highball", yo.

9:36 — to the producers of "Nibbles", nominated this year for the Best Short Animated Picture award. next time you decide to make a film, change the b's to p's and watch the dollas roll in. animated nipps are the new breast implants.

9:38 — when inspiration strikes, you best pay attention. seeing Liv Tyler up on stage with some utterly sexxxy horn rims is reminding me of the world's sexiest librarian / dominatrix. maybe Joss can write a "Buffy" sequel with Liv as a saucy watcher? the potential tension of the girl-on-girl hottness is enough to make this totally durst perf by Sting and Alison Krauss almost bearable ... ALMOST.

9:43 — what's so funny about peace, love and the Civil War? watching Elvis Costello on stage reduced to window dressing is enough to make a grown man cry.

9:46 — while your Uncle Grambo applauds the decision to block a few best song performances together, I think I'm not alone in wishing that William Hung would magically appear on stage for some "She Bangs" hottness. and is it just me or does Annie Lennox look like the lesbian sister of Jamie Lee Curtis. only, er, you know, flat. obvs.

Remind me again why this guy is here?9:49 — for reasons unbeknownest to 99.9% of the population, Uncle Cliffy Robertson appears on the wire. speaking of ridiculously random bullshazzers, remember when Peter Coyote (not to be confused with Peter "Angel Is A Centerfold" Wolf) used to sit back stage and announce random Oscar facts before commersh breaks? nope, neither do I.

10:00 — I take back everything I said about Angelina Jo-Best, all my love goes to Jennifer Garner. wow, what a knockout woman and a magnifico dress. best of the evening? time will tell.

10:03 — not only is Jim Carrey not funny, but his tuxedo TOTALLY does not fit right. where's Joanie Rivs when you need her?

so ridiculously hott10:16 — btw, i could not possibly BE any more smitten. Sofia Coppola, you've got mail!

10:19 — start up the bus and break out the brooms. it's sweepin' time, baby. yet another award for "LOTR"...

10:27 — is Julia Rizz nippin' out? and, if so, why does she have four nipples? bovine buzz?

10:31 — how on The God's green earth can they POSSIBLY go through an entire tribute to Kate Hepburn and not bust out a soundbite of "The loons, the loons"? these are the kinds of questions that keep me up at night. shame on you, Joe Roth, shame on youze.

10:44 — hey Errol Morris, i got an idea for your next documentary feature ... it's called Prozac, yo! rabbit holes haven't had buzz since "Watership Down", shmears.

10:51 — Tiger Woods doing his best Carl Spangler impression? priceless. er, i meant to say "[Insert American Express tagline here]."

10:56 — say it with me three times fast. Academy Award winner Phil Collins. doesn't exactly roll off the tongue as easy as, say Academy Award winner Marisa Tomei, now does it?

10:59 — Pierce Brosnan ... now THERE'S one handsome mofo. especially when taking the stage with Amber Waves.

11:04 — Mitch and Mickey ... so effing best.

11:14 — I take back what I just said. Jack Black and Will Ferrell ... so effing best!!! Del Taco resets? the hottness, obvs.

11:30 — sweep sweep! i might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure that "LOTR" has won EVERY award it's been nominated for so far this evening. are we looking at a "Titanic" tie? developing...

11:35 — Sofia Coppola. so nervous. so cute. so thankful. so best.

Julia Rizz ... so best11:40 — apropos of nothing, I just wanna give a shout-out to Julia Rizz. still smokin' after all these years.

11:43 — did Peter Jackson just get hit with the first dump courtesy of the much ballyhoo'd five-second delay? i'm not entirely positive on this one, but I think that he tried to bust out a "god damn" ... Kiwi buzz!

11:49 — Charlize Theron. i'll never forget the time that Caro and your Uncle Grambo were watching "Reindeer Games" and Caro made fun of the size of Charlize's tatts. who's laughin' now, yo? props out to CT not only for being a world-class hottie, but also for delivering the evening's best acceptance speech. rad.

11:53 — i hereby issue an official boycott of every single PepsiCo product until they remove Jason Biggs from their commercials. yes, even you Aquafina. y'all be effed ... WHO are the ad wizards who came up with that one?

12:00 — and the Best Actor Award goes to ... SEAN PENN! so, so best. although I would've loved to have seen either Depp or Murray walk home with the prize, this is the best possible ending to the evening. oh shatts, we still have another "LOTR" award to be handed out. and WMD resets? can't beat 'em.

and that's all folks! so, so tired. must sleep. buzz.

posted by uncle grambo |
"I started out with a lot of Audioslave or anything Chris Cornell -- it helped with the aggression. And Chris Webber from the [Sacramento] Kings. There's a real sweetness behind his eyes, but he's pissed off."
Brad Pitt on the sources of inspiration for his character in "Troy"
be like mark

loretta lynn - van lear rose


king of new york (special edition)


john kennedy toole - a confederacy of dunces

adventures w/disposable income
date: 5.8.04
source: CVS
amount: $19.48
(1) liter of Captain's
(2) liters of DC w/lime
(1) mother's day card

snl season 29
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
may 10: the strokes @ state theatre
may 15: cardigans @ magic stick
may 17: softball league @ 8:30pm
may 17: last tourist @ small's (10pm)
may 24: softball league @ 6:10pm
may 27: sea ray / stills @ st. andrews
june 6: dido @ fox theater
june 7: softball league @ 7:20pm
june 14: softball @ 6:10pm
june 19: jessica's graduation party
june 21: softball @ 8:30pm
june 28: softball @ 6:10pm
july 3 - july 11: vacation @ TBD
july 12: softball @ 7:20pm
july 19: softball @ 7:20pm
july 26: softball @ 9:40pm
august 2: softball @ 7:20pm
august 14: nuptial buzz w/c friggs + lescal!!!
october 23: nuptial buzz w/the grizz + mandypants!!!
twenty word reviews
van helsing
walking tall
scooby doo 2: monsters unleashed
dawn of the dead
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
starsky & hutch
girl next door
re-imagines "Risky Business" with Vivid Girls instead of prostitutes; marks Elisha Cuthbert's arrival as an alluring, big screen sex symbol.
Despite the best efforts of TrachtenBest, suffers greatly from a lack of forward momentum (scriptwise) and some remarkably bland casting
along came polly
aside from Philip Seymour Best Ever's performance ("RAIN DANCE!"), I vastly preferred this when it was called "Dharma And Greg."
search THIS!

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