f.a.t.

this is the moment you've all been waiting for. the much bandied-about return of the F.A.T. (for the uninitiated, i'm talkin' bout the Friday Afternoon Topic). check out the archive for past F.A.T.s if yr so inclined, but now it's time to get on with the show. this week's topic was THEME SONGS, as defined in the following manner: "now I'm NOT talking about television theme songs here (Alan Thicke go home!). nor am I talking about cinematic theme songs ("Chariots of Fire" ... mmm, not so much). i'm talking about YOUR theme song. if you were to choose a theme song for your life, what would it be? is there a song that means more to you than any other? is there a song that embodies your personality, either real or imagined? when people think of you, what song do they think of?" with that being said, thank you to everyone who so kindly contributed (your checks are in the mail!) and let's get this show on the road!!!

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Uncle Grambo

Song: "Turn" by Travis (off "The Man Who")

hope. longing. optimism. melancholy. passion. curiousity. faith. desire. ingredients of this song, certainly. ingredients of my life, definitely. there have been other songs and other artists and other albums that have resonated strongly with me during different phases of my life, but this song has guided me through a lot of turbulent times over the last four years or so. while the melody manages to be both gentle and driving, it is the sheer conviction of Fran Healy's lyrics (both in the written form and how he delivers them vocally) that I identify the most with. I "want to see what people saw", I "want to feel what I felt before" and although I couldn't carry a tune to save my life, I most certainly "want to sing, to sing my song" ... quite simply put, this is a song by which I define who I am and who I want to become.

a close runner-up: "money, cash, hoes" by Jay-Z and DMX.

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T-Rob (Rob's Blog)

Theme song varies by mood.

Horny: "Sex" - The Necks
Drunk: "You" - Marvin Gaye
Introspective: "A Wonderful Life" - Carl Craig
Sappy: "God Only Knows" - Beach Boys or "Ja'Hymmne" - Edit Piaf
Happy: "I'm Only Sleeping" - Beatles
Dancing: "Barely Breaking Even" - Universal Robot Band
Soulful: "Do I Love You" - Frank Wilson
Mellow: "Summer Dress" - Red House Painters
Bitter: "The Jitters" - Dismemberment Plan
Sad: "Same Deep Water As You" - Cure
Pissed: "For Want Of" - Rites of Spring
Dark: "Consumed or Ask Yourself" - Plastikman
When other people see me: "Welcome to the Terrordome" - Public Enemy

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Cashilini

Song: "Don't Believe the Hype" by Public Enemy

"Caught in the middle and / Not surrenderin' / I don't rhyme for the sake of of riddlin' "

In an age where you can't turn around without someone trying to sell you something (whether a product, service, idea, policy, themselves, etc) it's important to remember the words of the mighty Chuck D. This was Public Enemy at their apex, and one reason why is the fact that they managed to be angry yet still make their points. I hear this one in my head whenever someone tries to get one over on me. Seems like that's happening more and more often...

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Kegzies (Glamorama)

Song: "I Get Along" by The Libertines
Can be found on: "Up The Bracket" (Rough Trade, 2002)

As I'm sure is the case with other FOWs, my theme song changes every 6-12 months. The most recent is "I Get Along" by The Libertines. Besides being an insanely catchy song, it has one of the best middle bits in recent history: "I get along, just singin' my song, people tell me I'm wrong---Fuck 'Em!" The way carl speaks those last two words, with so much just-don't-a-fuck attitude, just makes me want to take on the world. I know it all sounds terribly daft, but what's the use of rock n' roll if you can't swagger down the street with one your favorite songs in your head? So if you see some guy out and about looking righteous and trying to imitate a Crack and Heroin addict, there's a pretty good chance it's me.

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Damore

Song: "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve
'modern day blues song'

Life's full of high & low points (as the title suggests). Can't think of a more inspirational song for living life. Like many, my high's are high, low's are low--rarely in temperamental purgatory. This song is perfect 'cause it helps get you through the low points w/ a 250cc injection of optimism, & the urge to go make things happen for the better when you're stuck in a rut. Best part-- hearing this song during your high points only makes you want to keep that groove going & never come down from it--like trying not to wake-up from the best dream you've ever had while still in the middle of dreaming it. Exactly what your soundtrack should do: Inspire, resonant, energize, change you in some small way w/ each listen.

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Foxy Jess

Song: "Turn Out The Lights" by Nelly Furtado

I could pick something emotionally significant, like the song I first gave it up to, or a tune deep and impressive enough to look like I have fab musical taste--honestly though, my true theme song is far too Top-40-fun for that. But dammit, I knew it was my song from the moment my I first laid ears on it: "Turn Out the Lights" by Nelly Furtado. Why? Because I act so "tough, tough, tough" and thick-skinned, but it's only "till you turn out the lights," which is to say (as if you actually needed this analysis) that when the day's done, I'm just a shivering, vulnerable girly-girl. And hey, it's catchy.

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Greedo

Song: "With Plenty of Money and You" by Tony Bennett and Count Basie

All I've ever wanted to be was a high roller, to make that unquestioned entrance into a Vegas club, to have all the woman in the room ask about the mystery man with the line of credit that Paris Hilton would envy. Ever since high school, I've been fascinated by the Rat Pack, big bands and lounge lizards, a time when everything had style—the dudes, the cars and the women. Oh to be a hepster, a jet-setter, what a life that would be. I guess this song, one of many that could describe me, reveals my deepest darkest desire... to be a Vegas lounge singer.

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Information Leafblower
(Information Leafblower)

Song: "Slide Away" by Oasis (off "Definitely Maybe")

Remember when Oasis was the greatest band in the world? Once, backstage after a gig in Baltimore, I got to hang out with Liam and chat with Noel. We took a picture and I got to kneel next to Noel. We all drank Corona’s and smoked spliffs. I later learned that was the only meet-n-greet they did on that tour. The only reason they did it was the local label rep bought them a big bag of cocaine. Sweet! Hey, was that recoupable? A few months after I moved to NYC, the apartment building I was living in caught fire. Everyone evacuated the building with their valuables. That picture was the only thing I brought with me.

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Buddis Lembeck

Song: "Sussudio" by Phil Collins (off "No Jacket Required")

the 1985 classic sums up andrew moore in a tight lil package. no one really knows what sussudio means just like no one really knows what andrew moore really means. "she dont even know me but i think she likes me just the same." best. evs. obvs. and those horns, jesus christ! "i feel so good if i just say the wooooorrd, su-su-sussido! ahhh!!"

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Justdave

Song: "Oblivious" by Aztec Camera

What was the question?

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Nessa (Unapologetics)

i asked a friend what they thought my theme song was. here is his reply:

**********
"i wish obsessive songs like rod [stewart] counted :( hmmph...i wavered. i wanted to tell you basement jazxx's "romeo" was a good one. it's supa catche, all about getting on and above, and has a diva singer. there's just something not enough for you in it (though you *will* download it and dance around to it as much as i do). i then wanted to give you "stay" by lisa loeb, but that song, despite my LOVE of it, isn't strong enough for you. i was then at this moment of crisis. maybe "someone else's story" from chess. diva singing (judy kuhn ya know), great tune/lyrics, and a message i can tie to you. but it gives up too much. you don't give up. so i am left with schmaltz like "i will survive." but it then hit me that, in my video on you, i put "listen the snow is falling" by galaxie 500 in the background. it isn't you now, but, at that time the yoko ono cover was my impression of you set in music. that or low's "point of disgust." it's sad, but, underneath it all, there's something uplifting about it. it is a song in the process of spreading its wings to fly. that's you also, and maybe a bit closer to the now. i love that song. it comforts me. take a listen to it. it's not peppy or super catchy; it's one you listen to and feel moved by. it's also short, so the power is compacted." what can i say? this boy is a genius.
**********

go ahead and print the above as my answer. unless you think it's cheating. i prefer "resourceful." anyhow. interesting, nonetheless.

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The Gorilla

Song: "Theme From Sanford & Son" by Quincy Jones

Interestingly enough I share my theme song with Redd Foxx. Yes, my theme song is the "Theme to Sandford and Son", even though my name isn't Sanford and I have no son--consider renaming it Serilla and No Son. There is not a better condensation of life than the Theme to Sanford and Son. Ultimately, we're all just selling junk, assisted only by a Big Dummy--wasting time waiting for the Big One. Luckily, that existential oblivion is counterweighted by the supreme funkiness supplied by none other than Quincy Jones.

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Nummer

Song: "Popcorn" by Hot Butter

No explanation necessary. Some say the greatest song ever recorded.

Runner Up: "Strays" from the album "Strays" by Jane's Addiction. Strays. Strays. Strays.

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JP McKrengels

I think to pick just one Theme Song wouldn't be appropriate. I think that is at all possible I'd have several Themes that played at different emotional scenarios in my life.

After a few Captain and Diets: AC/DC's "I've got big balls" - This song, while totally ridiculous, adequately reflects my confidence level and my self perception. But any other time, I usually hate AC/DC.

Driving fast on the freeway: Anything by Oakenfold - The general fast tempo and strong bass can keep you going on long road trips and in tune with your driving skills.

Walking out of Michigan Stadium after a loss: Barber's "Adagio for Strings" (Music from Platoon) - You feel defeated. Like the war has been lost and your way of life is over. You may as well stab yourself in the leg and call it a day.

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B.B. Fett (The Prime Ministers)

Song: "Jumping Jack Flash" by the Rolling Stones

Nothing to do with the lyrics, just the sheer instrumental power of the main riff and overall tune. Unstoppable. Sometimes I hear it in my head when I'm feeling good and swaggering down the street, knocking people out of my way "Bittersweet Symphony" Ashcroft style.

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The Grizz (The Detroit News)

Song: "Take It To Da House" by Trick Daddy

The song that plays constantly in my head throughout everything I do in this world, my theme song, if you will, is Trick Daddy's "Take It To Da House," schmobvs. Even though I wasn't born and raised in the county of Dade like my main man Trick Dazzle, I'm still fin' to take it to da house now and always, whether I'm playing Game Cube at the crib, chillin' at Quiznos or just reppin' the Birm as only I can. Word life.

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APLarcadia

Song: "You Are Free" by Cat Power

the neurotic yet raggedly exquisite chan marshall (aka cat power) emerges with a convincing, albeit dark horse, win as my theme song. who would’ve thought that in 4 minutes and 51 seconds she could so succinctly lead me to the tao? well, maybe I’m the only one, but that’s exactly why the song resonates so strongly. it’s theme of freedom via one’s own mind is one of the most recurring pieces of wisdom I encounter in the books I read, along with my other hobbies and interests. it hints at the concept of being one’s own god and suggests some eternal quality and openness to the truth; it inspires and is a beautiful and pristine reminder of how to live.

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GP Jenn

Song: "What A Feeling" by Heather Nova

It was a difficult choice I must say, but it came down to what one of my favorite, more mellow songs from one of my favorite artists. It all began when I came across the "Siren" disc at the good old FBC in East Lansing in 1999. I popped the disc in my CD player and there it was, track four. Granted, this song has somewhat of a sad undertone, but for some reason I took a liking to it. It can put me at ease whenever I hear it, as well as others I have introduced the song to. But if I had to chose a second theme song, that has to be "Rock Your Body" by JT. That song is just plain fun!

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JoeIce

Song: "My Hometown" by Bruce Springsteen

It seems like this has been a theme song that I've shared with my parents forever. I think it's actually been known to bring a tear or two to my big-ole-dad's eye. These days, it has become my very own. This song hits on tons of the stuff that my fam' was built upon. My mom/dad HAD to get my family out of their hometown (Pittsburgh) in 1983. The 'Burgh is an old steel town and it was dying right before their eyes. No jobs. No hope. No chance. They had to make things better for us all by leaving; so they took us to the greener pastures of Haslett, MI. I later had to make a similar choice, when I left lovely little Haslett in order to pursue Design in Chicago. Haslett had just become a place where I could not be. Although Haslett is no Pittsburgh, and my experience hardly deals with the same raw issues that my mom/dad faced, our experiences are very similar at the core. Leaving a place where your heart remains, is a tough thing. Both Pittsburgh and Haslett have made me who I am today, and I still love both places dearly. That's why 'My Hometown' is and always will be so near to me.

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Big Matt (Motorcityrocks.com)

Song: "A Long December" by Counting Crows (off "Recovering The Satellites")

So this may have been one of the hardest questions ever asked of me. There were so many directions I could have gone but I have finally chosen Counting Crows - "A Long December." This song to me is basically about a guy who is reflecting on what has happened to him and what could be in store for the future, but sometimes it doesn’t work out as you planned as life rushes by. It starts out with the line "A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last" I always find myself thinking the same thing around the end of the year and I know many others do as well. "I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass". I find with myself that everything moves so fast, it’s sometimes hard to remember and take in all the little moments that make up your soundtrack.

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Dmitri Jr (Michigan Daily)

Song: “Sneakin' Out the Hospital” by Beastie Boys (off "Hello Nasty")

You know guys, lime disease is not something to make light of. I myself have struggled with the crippling illness for many days now, and let me tell you, it does not tickle the old funny bone one bit. Ohh, I’m so weak I can barely hit the keys with enough force to write this blurb about those young N.Y. scamps who nasal rhymes have delighted subur … Wait … what’s that noise… ? AHH – Burly orderlies clad-in white! No I don’t want to go back!!! Heeellpp meee!!!! I’m too delicate!!

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Makotomeme (Metro Times)

Song: "There But For the Grace of God Go I" by The Gories & Machine

First time I heard this song was the Gories version – a straight-up garage stomper that sounded like the broken concrete and bullshit I was seeing every day in the Cass Corridor in 1994. That damn guitar line stuck in my head and Mick Collins is the best blues shouter since John Lee Hooker and I’ll be damned if I didn’t think the Gories wrote it! And it seemed to have a tempo that matched my footfall (not to be discounted as a criteria for a good theme song!). But then, then, then (five years later) I heard the original – this funky-as-shit 1979 disco-synth get down track and now I’ll spend the rest of my life vacillating between the two versions depending on if my mood is gloomy or groovy (another important criteria is malleability, yes? And “There But for the Grace of God Go I” has it in spades). Plus that title phrase keeps ya humble.

OK, second choice, “Brandy” by the Looking Glass cuz she’s a fine girl and what a good wife she’d be, but my life, my love AND my lady is and will remain, the sea.

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Halle Berrywhite

Like playlists to the recycling bin, so are the Soundtracks of our Lives...

My theme song would be an original score--movie trailer music for a romantic comedy. Something very Nick Drake meets techno, or some other such paradox as oxymoronic as "romantic comedy." The song would play as :60 backdrop to a montage of laughing mouth-open in raindrops/dancing while cooking/fighting and leaving/"You gave her your heart and she gave you a pen?!" scenes.

Or it would be "Blackbeard" by the Cocteau Twins. I play this at least once during every relationship because of the line, "Are you the right man for me, or are you toxic for me?"

My theme song during the rainy season in Portland (6 months of the year): Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald singing "Isn't This a Lovely Day": "Isn't it a lovely day to be caught in the rain? You were going on your way. Now you've got to remain. Let the rain pitter patter but it really doesn't matter if the skies are gray. Long as I can be with you it's a lovely day."

Last but not least, "Stupid Day Job" by Wally Pleasant. I love the end when he says, "One more time--like Morrissey" and sings the chorus w/ an exaggerated British Morrissey accent, "Styoopid day jobe, styoopid day jobe, alahhahhhhhlg (Morrisey's "ahhhh" that sounds like a choke) styoopid day jobe." I think about this whenever I'm at the copier, water cooler, staring at the microwave waiting for my lunch to cook, or in other such "office moments."

I didn't do a word count but I bet this is over 100. Feel free to edit.

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Pieps

Song: "Runnin' Down A Dream" by Tom Petty

I don't know the lyrics to this song very well but my whole life I've kind of wanted something more than what I've had. So far this year I've gotten everything I've ever wanted. It feels so awesome.

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Method One (Method One)

Song: "A Forest" by The Cure

I picked this song because it has a special significance for me; if it weren’t for a friend leaving The Cure’s “Seventeen Seconds” album at my house when I was 14, my musical tastes might have turned out VERY differently. “A Forest” (especially the longer, album mix) captures the early Cure sound at it’s best—simple yet complex, fast paced but dark and dreamy. Through this song (and others on that album), I went on to discover New Order, Joy Division, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, and literally dozens of other bands that I still listen to today.

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Les / Cal

I can't think of the "one" song at this juncture in the day, but I always have thought that the Kermit the Frog "Rainbow Connection" is a great song. Part of it is just that Kermit's voice is so cute, and part is that the lyrics are darling. I relate, until the part with hearing voices calling your name. Isn't that an early indication of schizophrenia?

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Ultragrrrl (Ultragrrrl)

Song: "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division

There's something so dark yet so uplifting about this song. You can put it on anywhere and an instant party is started, yet the lyrics are so melancholy and painful that it's equally good for just putting on a mixtape for someone you're slightly obsessed with. It's amazing like that. I hate walking into a room and not being able to dance, but if this was my theme song I would never have to worry about that.

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Caro

Song: "Material Girl" by Madonna

I'm not really a 'theme song' person per se... But you have given me pause on this subject - and I guess if I had to pick a 'theme song' - I could go the obvious route of "Sweet Caroline", but instead, I will deviate from the obvious. I will however, choose a song by my fave, Madonna (though I'm not all about the hub bub lesbo stuff as of right now - mostly b/c she chose to make out with those nasty skanks. Hi - your new single sucks, deal with it - don't make out with Xtina and Brit). The criteria for my theme song are as follows: a) it gets me in a good mood b) it's been a favorite for as long as i can remember and c) it can be who i am - sometimes. And that song is "Material Girl" =) Can't spend much more time thinking this over - I'm sure I could find the perfect song if I pontificated for days and hours.

the dead zone

John Ritter. Dead. Johnny Cash. Dead. Fred Durst. still alive. sometimes this world just doesn't make any sense. but then again, there is always hope. who knew that Richard Linklater is off in Europe shooting a sequel to "Before Sunrise" with both Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy? uh, BEST! so yeah, i guess you gotta roll with the punches and lean on other similar cliches in sitchs like this.

haven't had any time to scope for PHC this morning (although I did score some Travis tix). been too bizz. but thank your lucky graces that The Grizz is around, for I've got not one but FOUR different articles / reviews authored by my talented younger broham.

for starters, there are his takes on the new Hilary Duff record and My Morning Jacket's "It Still Moves" ... one he describes as "unfolding somewhere between Kentucky and outer space, suggesting a country western Sigur Ros" and the other he calls "the pop equivalent of a s'more, which is to say it's very gooey and extremely tasty, as long as you don't care much about watching your calories." i think it's fairly obvs which quote refers to which album, but read the reviews and you might be surprised to see that both records earn a "B" grade.

if Christian Rock is your thing (EDITOR'S NOTE: uh, is it ANYONE'S thing?), then I'm sure you'll be delighted when you read this preview of FFH's gig at the Calvary Baptist Church. uh, say what? say where? say who?

crack is whack!

but it looks like Janeane Garofalo has been hittin' the pipe pretty hard lately. so thin! so blech! such a bad outfit when you're arriving for a "Lost In Translation" premiere! someone call "Animal Cops" or SOMETHING!

breakdancin' with the devil in the pale moonlight

Christian Bale lands the role of Batman. as much as I heart Bale (he's TOTALLY best!), I just don't feel so great about this casting decision. Some say worse casting than Kilmer. at least Schumies is off the project, too bad his replacement is Christopher Nolan. yeah, "Memento" was tigs but do we really need to see a backwards "Batman"? mmm, not so much (breaking buzz via Nummer).

attention "BTVS" fans. on September 30, Virgin Records is releasing Radio Sunnydale across the pond, featuring tracks from The Dandy Warhols, Blur, Aimee Mann. the real prize on the CD is The Breeders version of the "Buffy Theme Song", but true "BTVS" fans already discovered that it was already included on their "Son Of Three" import single. no US street date has been announced for "Radio Sunnydale", but then again, that's why God invented Amazon.co.uk!

hott girl-on-girl action, blogger style! Lindsayism meets up with Zulkey for some photo booth buzz (Zulkey on left, Lindsay on right)! on a related note, seeing a jpg of a blogger for the first time is directly akin to opening up Christmas presents ... both are totally exciting! when you finally see the face of someone that you've only come to know by reading their web page, it somehow gives you (as a reader) another layer of insight into the blogger behind the blog. in my op, it totally enhances the whole experience when you can put a face to a name. for example, when The Grizz and Mandypantalons threw their now-legendary "Poppin' Cris In The Birm" party back in July (or thereabouts), the reactions of FOWs meeting each other for the first time was worth the price of admission in and of itself. so, keeping that in mind, here are a few other JPGs of other famous bloggers:

• Lizzie Spiers (of Gawker fame)

• Ultragrrrl's Friendster head shot (obvs of Ultragrrrl fame)

• Giulia and Audrey (of New York Doll and Melodynelson.com fame, respectively)

• as an aside, there is only one known photo of Miss Modernage in existence, but word on the street is that she's very protective of her image. dunno why (she's a certifiable cutie!), but I definitely respect her wishes and therefore won't post the photo here.

let the melody slide, let it cleanse your mind

happy birthday to Richard Ashcroft!

dude, there isn't much gossip flying around today. i suppose it's in respect to the day, but i sure as shit hope that things pick up tomorrow! i'm just returning to the office after an offsite strategic `04 planning session, but fortunately i was able to weez a few nuggets of goss for you, buddy. dig.

I don't believe this for a second. if you can say anything about Ben and J. Lo (is it just me or does anyone else feel that the whole Bennifer nickname is, like, SUPER lame? laziest nickname evs, I still can't believe that Chris Rock adopted it in his opening VMA monologue), it's that they are master manipulators of the media. i feel like their whole "the wedding is off!" is just meant to throw some of the dogs in the media off their scent. i bet you dollars to donuts that the wedding happens either tomorrow or Saturday. just a hunch.

did I tell you or did I tell you? not that it was any big secret, but Cammy Diaz finally admits that she's got "over-sensitive" skin. and by "over-sensitive", she really means "If I don't bathe in Oxy, I wake up looking like Pizza The Hutt." yeah, she's got a rockin' bod but I just don't see why men find her so attractive. if you ask me, Cammy is a giant downgrade from Brit Brit for Justin Trousersnake. blech.

can't. stop. reading. The Minor Fall, The Major Lift. the content is sick! check out this entry on Girlsarepretty.com and tell me that you aren't amazed by how spectacularily tigs this writer is. colour me jealous.

no WAY! Eva Mendes got newd in "Training Day"?!? King Kong ain't got nuthin' on her! Snoop in a wheelchair + Ethan Hawke all methed out + Eva Mendes tatts on display = a trip to the Best Buy Reward Zone for your Uncle Grambo.

look who fell off the Ugly Tree

and hit every branch on the way down! shit, what the eff happened to my girl Love? she used to be the cat's pajamas back in the dizz, now she looks like one of the Bridge & Tunnel ho's that you see on those HBO documentaries. admittedly, I'm usually blinded by the rack, especially in instances like this where they're (reportedly) real AND spectacular (hey Stuff Magazine covergirl Catherine Bell, how YOU doin'?). but there's just somethin' funked out goin' on above the shoulders, yo. it's like she's the result of a drunken orgy of Audrey Hepburn and Mr. Ed. girl, your grill needs some work. shmeariously.

thank you MTV. you continue to throw caution to the wind as only the trendiest of trendsetters can. if it weren't for you, I wouldn't know the difference between "ice" and "bling bling", nor would I have any clue how to tell Lil' Bow Wow and Lil' Romeo apart. hell, I'm still stuck on Lil Abner! and if it weren't for the latest installment of "You Heard It Here First", I NEVER would've heard of Stellastarr*!!! you bring da buzz like Savion Glover brings da funk. Gregory Hines, RIP. obvs.

Now with extra "ssssssh" action! (all hail MacK10 for the link)

jump on my boogie board of LOVE!

this week has been all "RW", all the time. thanks to the geniuses over at TSG, we have learned that a 23-year female castmember on the upcoming "RW: San Diego" was arrested for assaulting a Marine (!!!) while cameras were rolling! and the Marine was a dude! how bad ass is that? Robin Hibbard (the female in question) has almost as much buzz as the upcoming "RW / RR Challenge"!

Reflectoporn (SFW and via TMFTML).

i agree with the Information Leafblower. I'm not exactly geeked for the rumoured Pixies reunion and world tour. it's more obvs than obvs that i'll be one of the first in-line to buy the record and i wouldn't miss the concert for all the iced tea at lipton's, but i'd really rather see Kim spend some time focusing on another Breeders record. "Title TK" was amazing and criminally underrated. Frank Black / Black Francis hasn't had buzz since "Teenager Of The Year" (tigs record, don't get me wrong, but that was AGES ago).

rumours have it that my girl Sara (of Mojo In The Morning fame) was on "The O.C." last night ... can anyone confirm or deny? and if it's true, why didn't anyone tell your Uncle Grambo in advance?!?

after all this gossip, I need a good laugh to cleanse my palate. thank the lord for the always hysterical What Would Kofi Annon Do? (rumoured to be authored by Paul Fisher of the world (in)famous Haypenny crew). WWKAD recently took on the hott topic of Revolve magazine. for the uninitiated, Revolve is a glossy, magazine-styled version of the New Testament written for girls in the style of popular girls magazines. here is an excerpt:

"It's so amazing to see that 1) the hidden mysteries of salvation and redemption can be summarized in shizzle speak and ten-year-old slang, as long as the typeface is totally rad, and that 2) the church has finally started talking down to people. Somebody may have actually tried to understand the nuanced theological issues the New Testament tackles! Funk that, bro--just make sure that the captain of the football team knows that "God" is your "dad" and that your "too cool" to follow through on all your implied promises to "do it" with him!"

the race for the prize

I'd never heard of Dizzee Rascal before he captured this year's Mercury Prize, but I'm pretty god damn sure I won't ever hear about him again. the Mercury Prize has a history of winners (not to mention nominees!) who just plain blow. take Ms. Dynamite for example. she won last year and she's got absolutely no buzz. yeah, Nummer gave her four coneys for her performance on SNL last spring, but Lorne realized she was a dud and only let her "sing" one song. and what kind of rapper uses the word "mum" in his acceptance speech? what a bitch ass! and check out that wack jacket that he sported ... what's the matter Dizzee, did you leave your Triple Fat Goose and 8-Ball jackets back at the crib? and what's with the Carolina Panthers cap? what, is this dude a huge Chris Weinke fan? and don't even get me started, because I'm sure as sure can be that this imitation poseur doesn't even REALIZE that his outfit is mixing two distinct sports! this dude is nothing other than another entrant in the long line of forgettable British rappers (the lone exception being Mikey "The Streets" Skinner). trust me on this one. our only hope is that Kool Keith lines up Dizzee in his sights and hands out an ultramagnetic beatdown.

revealed? remember the Jacinda reset from the other day? well an email from the FOW Nation alerted me to the fact that she is appearing alongside Tony Hopkins and Nic Kidman in the upcoming bomb, "The Human Stain". using some deductive reasoning (obtained from today's Hot Button column from Dave Poland), I have good reason to believe that she reveals pube buzz in "The Human Stain"! if I am correct, this will be the first instance of RW-related full frontal nudity, which certainly gives this flick "must-see" buzz. yeah, I remember that spread in Playbs a few years back, but all that was on display was Beth's flapjacks and some ugly Veronica shower action. if memory serves, no "hair down there" was revealed.

despite tripping as he ran around third base, local traitor Drew Henson scored the winning run as the Yanks defeated the Tigers in MLB action last night. how classic is that? I looked for the Information Leafblower in the crowd to no avail. not that I would recognize him anyway, but it was a good way to pass the time as I ate sushi.

speaking of sushi, I have the latest installment of WHATEVS WATCHER. so after The Grizz, Mandypantalons and I saw "Step Into Liquid" last night, they headed off to Zumba's and I walked down to the Royal Oak B&N to pick up ANOTHER copy of Chuck Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" (my first one got ruined in a rainstorm during Blackout 2003). armed with my book in hand, I rolled into Little Tree Sushi on Main Street solo-stizz with visions of Spicy Tuna Rolls dancing in my head. as I sit down at the bar and order myself a Sapporo, who do I see? none other than Brett Hull and Brendan Shanahan. The Golden Brett was looking very scrubbed out, he had a janky baseball cap on (thankfully not a trucker hat!) and was sporting shorts and sandals. Shanny looked much smaller and much more baby-faced than I expected him to be.

while we're still talking about Asians, this question has bugged me for years. but thanks to The Washington Post, now I finally know the answer! Who Was General Tso And Why Are We Eating His Chicken?> (eternal thanks go to TMFTML for solving this riddle that heretofor plagued all man kind)

More TIFF gossip (via Gawker)

obvs

it's about fookin' time Detroit gets some respect!

PAUL SIMON AND ART GARFUNKEL UNVEILED PLANS ON TUESDAY FOR THEIR FIRST MAJOR CONCERT TOUR SINCE 1983, due to kickoff October 18 at THE PALACE OF AUBURN FREAKING HILLS!!!

oh, wait. silly me. it's just Simon & Garfunkel. so old. so washed up. so bald. so fatt. not phat, mind you, but FATT! in all honesty, i'd rather see Simon Rex perform with The Funk Brothers! wouldn't we all? damn yo, Detroit gets faced once again. this is the worst reunion since the reunion of former child stars that occured just one post ago! i guarantee that this show is gonna blow monkeychunks of wheat. i bet tix are gonna be off the heez expensive, too. durst.

best reunion ever?

especially considering it's not really a reunion at all! so many former child stars in one place at one time! some say almost (but not quite) as good as the Real World 10th anniversary reunion! who knew that people would still be talking about "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star" four whole days after the movie was released?

the ego has landed

when it comes to writers that really irk me, a few stand head and shoulders above the rest. but of all the offenders (memo to Kelefa Sanneh and John Irving — don't think I haven't noticed your abominations), Mitch Albom is the cream of the crop. sure, Mitch has racked up just about every journalism award they've ever even thought of inventing and yeah, "Tuesdays With Morrie" sold like hotcakes. but popularity has never been an arbiter of taste in my book. i hadn't really thought about Mitch and his sentimental and glucose-infected style in quite some time, but I had the misfortune of reading his Warren Zevon obituary earlier this afternoon. never in my life have I read an obit that focused more on the writer than on the person who actually died, but then again, I've never read a Mitch Albom obituary before. even though on the first glance I didn't even make it through the second paragraph of his "middle" section, I felt is was my duty to go back and count the number of references to Mitch within his work. and though I may have missed a mention or two, I counted no less than 29 mentions of "I", "me" and "we". give me a break, dude. he even brings up his god awful band of nerdy authors / wanna-be musicians (The Rock Bottom Remainders) and claims that Warren Zevon was going to record a song that he wrote about a (and I quote) "misunderstood hockey goon." bitch PLEASE! this obit is a crime against journalism, so instead, I suggest you read the obituary that Jon Parales wrote in the New York Times. let's also hope that Christgau decides to chip in his thoughts on the passing of a legend in this week's Village Voice.

switching topics completely (that never happens on whatevs.org!), gotta say that my new favourite bestest song of the minute is Kelly Clarkson's "Low" ... while I can feel the impending bash on my musical tastes (or lack thereof) coming down the pipe, this song is tru hottness. i caught the video for the first time ("Spanking New" stizz) on MTV this morning and immediately dug up my CD and played the song again. it's got an admittedly generic kinda sound (mildly crunchy guitars, big vocals) but something about the lyrics and the stark change of tempo that occurs mid-chorus really surprised me and sparked my interest. "Miss Independent" was definitely not my cup of tea, but this song will certainly result in your Uncle Grambo revisiting his "Thankful" CD. you can witness the buzz for yourself over on vh1.com.

could Winona GET any trashier? answer: not so much.

revealed! Jack White sings with Nikka Costa and some rapper named Freeway on a new single by Mark Ronson called "Here Comes The Fuzz". has anyone heard this yet? buzz?

Can grapefruits be hip? The Florida Department of Citrus is betting $3 mills on an ad campaign to sell you what they're calling "Sass In A Glass." the goal of their campaign is to transform grapefruit juice from "the dutiful tonic of old people" into the must-have drink for chic, health-concious young women. one facet of their marketing strategy involves "peddling the Showstopper (a mixed drink that contains grapefruit juice and Bombay Sapphire gin) at hipster gatherings." hipsters are totally the new yuppies! they're so influential! and, despite the fact that he's not neither chic, health-concious nor a young woman, your Uncle Grambo is a big fan of grapefruit juice ... in recent taste tests, grapefruit juice outperformed both orange AND apple juice but fell far behind Sprite Remix. Sprite Remix, so good!

ever since Bonnie Fuller left US Weekly to take over at Star Magazine, it appears that Star's circulation numbers have been falling. have the wings of this golden goose been clipped? developing ...

the best news of the day comes from Nummer: "Family Guy" creator Seth McFarlane in talks to create a new, feature-length "Family Guy" film! it will likely go direct-to-DVD, but who the eff cares?!? BEST!

the second best news of the day just broke out of Columbus, Ohio. Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett likely done amid criminal charge! buck the fuckeyes! oh how i hate, oh how i hate, oh how i hate Ohio State!

those of you who are prone to nightmares might want to avoid the following bit o' buzz. according to Tatjiana Sloan, current girlfriend of Hollywood legend Robert Evans, Serena Williams has been pulling a Paris Hilton by spending a lot of time wooing Evans for a movie role. Sloan reports that, on a recent visit to Evans' house, "(Serena) draped herself across (Robert Evans') famous fur-covered bed." EW!

TIFF gossip.

short and sweet

"21 GRAMS is unquestionably a stunning film and, to be frank about it, absolutely fucking great. It's a punch to the chest cavity you're not likely to forget or recover from." — Jeffrey Wells

everyone in Toronto is buzzing about "21 Grams", the latest film from director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu ("Amores Perros"). the film stars Naomi Watts, Benicio Del Toro and Sean Penn, the latter of which picked up a Best Actor award at the Venice Film Festival for his work in the film. Detroit News film critic Tom Long also raves in his report from Toronto, calling the performances of all three actors "superb" and predicting that the film will be "a major awards magnet." not so fortunate is the adaptation of Philip Roth's "The Human Stain" (which Sir Tony Hopkins portrays a black man!!!), which entered Toronto with Oscar buzz and will leave town completely saddled with negative reviews and no shot at redemption at either the box office or in critical circles.

in other movie news, Wham-O is suing the Happy Madison production company for their unauthorized usage of their Slip 'N' Slide product in the film "Dickie Roberts." i'm sure you've all seen the trailer where David Spade tries to use the Slip 'N' Slide without water, and I'm sure that most of you agree that it's one of the lamest sight gags in recent history. I can't believe the good people at Wham-O are wasting their time and resources suing over a shite movie like "Dickie Rizz" ...

intense! Thug4life.org. via Nick Catchdubs.

eff the coaches

if there's one thing that I hate more than Fred Durst, it's the USA Today / ESPN Coaches poll. those ratfuckers were solely responsible for my Wolverines having to "share" the 1998 National Championship with those punk asses from Nebraska and it appears that they're up to the old tricks yet again. while the AP has Michigan ranked #5, the USA Today / ESPN poll has Blue slated at #7 ... wtf? everyone knows that the teams at Kansas State and Texas are a bunch of frauds with creampuff schedules, but listen to me now and believe me later when I say that both of those squads will be exposed before the end of the year. and personally, I like the fact that Ohio State is currently ranked higher than Michigan, especially after seeing them struggle mightily with San Diego State. their overinflated Buckeye egos will get the best of them when they roll into A2 on November 22, trust me on that one. go Blue!

one of the best things about avoiding the internet on the weekends is walking into work on Monday and catching up with the blogs who do weekend posts. while there are a few notable sites that update on weekends, I gotta serve up a pint of Pimp Juice for The Information Leafblower for being one of the best at this highly underrated category of sites. i was stressin' on Friday afternoon when I left the office and there hadn't been any September 5th updates, but my homey delivered some mad buzz with five new posts over the wknd! lots of Chuck Palahniuk updates (a film adaptation of "Invisible Monsters" is on the way!), lotsa US Open resets (props out to Roddick), linkage to an interview with Douglas Coupland and even a king-sized jpg of Christopher Walken are all available for your perusing. good stuff, good stuff.

what's the hot new accessory to see and be seen with these days? trucker hats? not so much. kaballah bracelets? only if you're p-whipped by Madge or Demi. these days it's high falutin' baby strollers, some of which run upwards of $2,500! apparently the hottest model is the $700 Dutch-built Bugaboo Frog, currently being used by the likes of David Beckham, Agent Mulder and Ferris Bueller. i don't have kids but I gotta admit this stroller is pretty pimpin' ... holla!

BREAKING NEWS! Nic Cage ran up a $400 bar tab and didn't leave a tip! cheap bastard!

first it was Chris Martin with his unrelenting emphasis on Maketradefair.com. now Gwynnie Paltrow has joined forces with Cammie Diaz to pimp for Act Green. they're prattling on about the environment or some other trendy celeb cause and want you to sign a petition with Bill Ford urging him to increase fuel economy. durst. (link via Beat Royalty)

silly me, I thought I had seen it all. once again, I am proven wrong. Britney Spears' grandfather has security guards (!!!), one of which snatched and tore up a reporter's notepad during the midst of an interview with Grampy Spears. what is this world coming to? (link via Romenesko)

someone hire a stylist for Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, STAT! i can't believe they actually appeared in public looking like this, let alone on the red carpet for the premiere of "Once Upon A Time In Mexico"! yuck.

scarlett the starlet

the undeniably racktastic Scarlett Johansson is en fuego these days as she continues to garner good press for her work in "Lost In Translation" and "The Girl With The Pearl Earring", both currently screening at the Toronto International Film Festival. she first caught the eye of your Uncle Grambo with her peformance in "Ghost World" ... i thought to myself, just who IS this girl with the deep voice and strangely compelling features? her follow-up role as the teenage lolita who sends Billy Bob Thornton over the edge in "The Man Who Wasn't There" only added to her appeal, and anyone who actually saw "Eight Legged Freaks" will likely recall that the prominence of her rack was the only redeeming quality of that film. and while I cannot admit that I'm a giant fan of her new haircut, she's certainly an actress to watch. The New York Times Virginia Heffernan (recently poached from Slate) profiles Miss Johansson in this Sunday's paper and The Toronto Star also managed to score an interview with her while she's in town. buzz.

first things first

Warren Zevon RIP. ole "Mr. Bad Example" himself will truly be missed.

what a great sports weekend! The Lions won, The Wolverines kicked ass, The Spartys cleaned house, and The Tigers got swept by the Bluejays! hell, even The Detroit Shock got to the WNBA Finals! too bad all of this was dampered by the absolute shellacking that I received at the hands of the Punani Lounge in the opening game of the whatevs.org ff2k4 fantasy football league. obvs, my squad wasn't mentally prepared for the showdown and I got schooled by the score of 89-43. outside of Ahman Green, no one came to play. let's just hope that my boys (i'm talking mainly to you, Peyton Manning) decide to show up next week.

Andy Roddick proved that pimpin' ain't easy when he came back from being down match point to defeat David Nalbindian during the US Open semis and then put the big hurt on Juan Carlos Ferraro yesterday to capture his first major. points are subtracted for continuing to sport that trucker hat, but laying a big smooch on Mandy Moore on national TV certainly makes up for that (see the upper right corner).

"While the American flag motif was commendably patriotic, the outfit itself was rather unflattering -- a bit too tight, a tad too revealing, creating the overall effect of an overstuffed kielbasa." Patrick Hruby pays tribute to Jennifer Capriati and some other supremely bad fashion statements on the tennis court over on ESPN.com. very funny, but what's the dilly with calling my girl Ashley Harkleroad "Shamu in Paul Pierce's headband"? that bitch ass better check himself before he wrecks himself! (props out to Cashilini for forwarding along)

surely this spells the imminent collapse of hip-hop as musical art form. Patti LaBelle: the most sought-after collaborator in hip-hop.

leave it to Durst. apparently the next Limp Bizkit single is going to be a cover of The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes", which is totally durst in and of itself. but because it's Durst, obvs he's going to take the durstosity factor to the next level. apparently he makes out with Halle Berry in the video. to that I have a one word response ... ew!