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by Nummer and H-Bomb

Episode 14: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite (3/8/03)

FOUR CONEYS! = John Belushi
THREE CONEYS! = Amy Poehler
TWO CONEYS! = Tim Meadows
ONE CONEY! = Melanie Hutzel
HALF A CONEY! = Charles Rocket
No CONEYS! = Self-Explanatory

Latifah Buzz

who is this again?

0-10 Coneys – Garbage
11-20 Coneys – Needs Improvement
21-30 Coneys – Average
31-40 Coneys – Above Average
41-50 Coneys - Instant Classic
51+ Coneys - Unparalleled Comic Genius

OAD = Original Air Date*

(*To be fair, coneys will be awarded the same as they were the first time they aired)


Two words: No buzz. This could easily be the worst SNL in the last three years. I don't even want to watch this episode. Queen Latifah. What the fuck!

I don't know what it is about Queen Latifah but she just bugs me. And now with one stupid Oscar nomination, she seems to be all over the damn place. Let's just say I am not at all looking forward to this week's SNL. Unless, of course, it's Jeff Gordon style, where the host is in hardly any skits. But with Latifah, that seems unlikely. Hopefully, SNL has some awesome skits planned to make it bearable.

Who the fuck is Ms. Dynamite?!

Cold Opening: 60 Minutes – Point / Counterpoint
Premise: Bill Clinton and Bob Dole face off in a series of debates on the impending war with Iraq.

Uggh. Hammond as Clinton. Is there anything on SNL more tired? Actually, since it has been awhile, it was not as annoying as normal, especially since he really nailed Clinton as simply talking out of his ass over the last few months when it comes to the Bush Administration. Does anybody believe foreign leaders are calling Clinton at home to ask what’s wrong with America?

Aykroyd was decent as Dole as well. Telling Clinton to step aside and go throw volley balls like a girl was perfect. Threatening to kick Hillary’s hippie behind got a chuckle too. Honestly, I would have preferred Norm McDonald as Dole, but Season 28 has taught us to take what we can get!

This was ok. I kind of wish they would’ve brought back Norm McDonald as Bob Dole though. Not that I don’t love Dan Aykroyd! It’s just that McDonald is so funny as Dole!!! Although Ackroyd calling Hammond’s Clinton an “ignorant slut” was best! Not a bad cold opener but could’ve been better.

Monologue: Latifah

The Kingdom of Latifah is in peril! There are new threats from the Armies of Cool J and Miss E Elliot!

This was a pretty creative monologue for Latifah. This part of the show could have really sucked hard if Latifah just came out and talked about how great she is. Luckily, Morgan came to the rescue reminding us that “a black man can’t own a white horse in this town”. Sanz dancing to Sir Mix A Lot was great as well!

I did not see this coming at all!! The bit about Queen Latifah being an actual queen in the kingdom of hip-hop was pretty good. I wasn’t in tears laughing, but this was probably one of the best spins they could’ve put on this monologue!

Sketch: BET Top 10 Live
Premise: BET hosts talk to up and coming hip-hop star Baby K

Baby K! Baby K! Baby K! Richards was made to play this 18-month old who can only be described as “3 feet of heat”! How about that new single “I’m teething”?

Q: “What’s up?” A: “Just being a baby”! And 3? She had to audition mad babies before she finally stole Baby K from an orphanage. So good. Props out to his homies who got the rash too – diaper rash that is.

BABY K!!! Finally gracing us with his presence, which has not been seen since the McCormack episode. Richards just continues to amaze me with his characters and I must say that besides Busey, this is probably one of his best! That bonnet is so funny!! Diaper rash….the silent killer! “I’m Teethin!” Baby K = Baby Best!!

Sketch: Live with Regis and Kelly
Premise: Parody of morning show

Little surprised this is already back. It last appeared just 4 episodes ago on Liotta/Donnas. It is a very funny sketch though. Poehler as Ripa is one of SNL’s greatest character impressions in ages. Sarah Vaughn “WHO IS THAT?” Mansfield “WHO IS THAT?”

Liked how Latifah as American Idol’s booted Frenchie kept calling Regis “Reggie”. When asked if she’d go back if Idol asked, Frenchie said they’d have to contact her natural black ass. “Reggie” had only one response to that: “THAT’S WONDERFUL”!

I cannot get over how perfect Hammond and Poehler are as Regis and Kelly. “I had a liter of eight babies in my belly!” Even Kattan is hilarious as Gellman, the show’s producer. Piano bars!! And did anyone else check out Poehler totally making Hammond laugh cause she kept climbing all over him?! Great!

Commercial Parody: Who Farted?
Premise: New FOX reality show where people are trapped in a room and forced to ponder ... who farted?

This started off funny, but the announcer got really annoying and kept it from getting any more coneys. Shut up!

I honestly don’t know how FOX hasn’t already aired something like this!! And with a mind bending twist of a second fart!! Pretty clever.

Sketch: VH1 – Where Are They Now?
Premise: Parody that focuses on 60’s band the The Cherylettes

The Cherylettes. Such a victim of their own success. Who would have thought that songs like “Heel up Jerk Bounce”, “Party” and “The Shank” wouldn’t be as big as their number one hit “Wiggle”. Oh well. At least Margie went on to be the mother of Baby Jessica.

This was really weird and entirely too long. There was a couple of good lines when they were explaining the Cherylette’s reaction to fame – “Darcel starting writing bad checks and shooting people.” But with the exception of the Robot National Anthem, it pretty much just dragged on.

Commercial Parody: I’m a Celebrity ... Who Farted?
Premise: Same as “Who Farted?” with the exception that it’s an ABC reality show that stars celebrities trying to figure out who farted

Aaahh. So much better than the first one. Richards back as Busey was a welcome addition. Ever since he nailed the impression on the Gordon episode, I knew they’d use the character again in any capacity they could. Add Godfried and Poundstone and you get a perfect little commercial parody.

This was awesome!! “Trust me buddy…you’ll know when a juicy Busey hits you between the eyes.” BUSEY!!! Kattan’s facial expressions as comedian Kathy Griffith were also pretty hilarious. Someone’s gotta take a closer look at this being an actual reality show!

Weekend Update

Another good Update. Fey’s opening joke about Bush making toy guns with his hands had me laughing right off the bat. And Seinfeld’s new baby Julian? It’s still unclear what the deal is with him!

Sanz as the recently captured Mohammed was pretty good (even though he used the Muhtar/Saddam voice for a THIRD character now!). Mark Graham called it when he said the photo released of his capture looked like Wario from the Mario Brother games. Sanz revealed he looks like a Mario Brother had sex with a brillo pad! Best.

Richards as Hoffman was good too, but I didn’t see the Grammys. Couldn’t really relate the performance to anything. The line about New York being the best city in New York was funny though.

This hasn’t been up there with the last few Weekend Updates, but it was still decent. Sanz as Al-Qaeda 3rd man, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was kind of disappointing. I mean, he had some funny lines and looked just like him, but again he’s using the Turkish TV voice! Maybe I’m being a little harsh. I guess there’s not a lot of different ways to do a Middle Eastern accent. Maybe if he just left out the “bro bro’s” it would be better.

Richards, again, was great as Dustin Hoffman. This guy has an incredible knack for impersonations!!

I was pleased to see they brought back the Vagina Auction bit. This time around a girl was thrown off for having “dude parts!” The Aretha Franklin parade balloon was also pretty noteworthy!

Music: Ms. Dynamite

Never heard a peep from Ms. Dynamite before the show, but I was downloading this song and everything else I could find from her shortly after! This is the catchiest song since Kylie’s 2002 hey day! Thanks to MacKenzie for hooking me up with the full length days later. Ms. Dynamite. Best musical guest since Donnas.

Gorgeous girl but I could not get into this song.

Sketch: A&P Ham Fight

Premise: Lessons learned through two completely different woman fighting over a ham in the local A&P.

This had to be a Forte sketch. It’s just got that random humor appeal to it that most of his sketches do. “These two white bitches are trying to steal my ham”. “I’m gonna take this ham home, and I’m a’ eat it”.

I did not think this was funny at all (except for Morgan in drag which always makes me chuckle!) until Forte came out as the grocer, singing “Give up the ham!” The way he sang gave it instant full coneys!! Honestly though, I had no idea where this skit was leading until that song started up. Turns out the “moral” of the sketch was to “give up the ham” and love each other in these trying times. Best, especially when Forte is holding the ham high above his head, screaming “GIVE UP THE HAAAAAMM!!”

Sketch: TV Funhouse – The Ex-Presidents
Premise: The Ex-Presidents attempt their own commercial promoting patriotism and how we should regard our Iraqi “enemies”

Whoa. That was actually Tom Kenny (the real life voice of Spongebob) doing the voice here too. I wonder if Nickelodeon will or can get pissed about that.

This latest installment was OK. Reagan giving Carter tons of shit was pretty funny, but these Ex-President sketches are getting sort of cookie cutter. Wouldn’t mind not seeing it again for awhile.

These are usually pretty funny, but this one just didn’t have the typical oomph. I did get a few chuckles out of Reagan telling Carter he won the “No Balls Prize.”

Sketch: A&E – Profiles in Jazz
Premise: Parody focusing on the life of controversial jazz singer Alberta Jones

Hammond as A&E host Jack Perkins is hilarious. He doesn’t have a drinking problem – “I drink. I get drunk. I pass out naked at the A&E Christmas party. NO PROBLEMO”.

Morgan’s story about meeting Alberta Jones simply because he stole her icebox was pretty funny, but Maya doing the annoying nasally Glenda Goodwin voice for yet another character (is she taking lessons from Sanz) killed the pace momentarily.

Jones did have some catch songs though. How about the one with the lyric “Let’s make whoopee in my butt”? What about those other song titles: “Weiner Patrol”, “Butt Party” and the classic “Tea Bags for Two”.

Kind of boring. Best part: Armisen as the hippie grad student trying to talk about Alberta Jones.

Sketch: Obnoxious Drugstore Clerks
Premise: Clerks are obnoxious towards customers

“Ass Pain”

This was great. Sanz played a drug store clerk without the use of his legs so he needs to use a grabber hook to compensate. His coworkers, Morgan and Latifah only add to the great mix. Who knew eating chop suey at “Kung Pow Ronnies” would give you an upset stomach.

Dratch took a turn at playing a character with a yeast infection much to the shock of the drug store staff. Latifah tried to reassure her that a yeast infection isn’t that bad considering that she once had “a mushroom cold growing out my ass”.

Great last sketch.

What is up with these long ass sketches turning out to be commercials?? In “over here” fashion, this ended up being a commercial about Walgreens with the slogan, “Maybe you should’ve went to Walgreens” being the hook. Armisen buying the sheepskin condoms was kind of amusing, but that was about it. And what was with that grabber stick that Sanz kept using??

Tribute: Sanz in regards to the recently deceased Mister Rodgers.

Heartfelt moment in which Sanz wrote and sung a song to the late Mister Rodgers. Even though the lyrics were pretty childish (I’m guessing that was the point), it was very honest and touching. Didn’t seem to get much of an audience response though. I’m betting people were waiting for some sort of punch line.

I was very glad this turned out to be a sincere tribute to the great late Mr. Rogers. Very moving.

Closing Comments

Whoa. I learned my lesson. Never judge a book by the cover (how many times will I learn this lesson on SNL?). Latifah/Dynamite totally blew away my expectations. Thanks to a ˝ coney, the episode landed between “Above Average” and “Instant Classic”. Not bad – considering I was guessing I’d be giving out a total of 10!

My real complaint is that Dynamite only got one song. Did Lorne only have enough faith to actually give her one song from the beginning – or was perhaps the show running late and something had to get cut? We’ll never know.

Decent episode. Nowhere near Walken (obvs!), but it was nice to see that it wasn’t the total flop I had anticipated. And I actually have somewhat of an appreciation for Latifah now. Not that I’m a huge fan, but she doesn’t seem to bother me as much anymore. I must admit though that Ms. Dynamite was quite a disappointment. From all the talk, I was expecting this phenomenal hip-hop superstar, which, at least for me, wasn’t the case at all. Can’t say I was too sorry that she only got to perform one song.


40.5 out of 56 Coneys.

31 Coneys out of a possible 56.

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