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Friday, May 09, 2003  

Wurst Websites Ever

No shit we're from down-riz
The Gorilla forwarded me this website that Mrs. Gorilla, AKA Kudz-Serizz sent to him. It was made by these two wacko's from down-riz and really is unbelievable, check out the dead dog on the images page.

If you think you can find a wurst website, post it on the back blog and we'll all check it out.

posted by Manute Bol |

Ben Wallace is an average shotblocker

Sure I know all you Detroit based FOWs are big Piston fans, so I won't get into "the whole Wallace thing" but I thought you might find this ESPN story comparing the Lakers to the '91 Pistons pretty interesting.

Truthfully, I'm not really much of an AI fan so I gotta say GO 'STONS!!
A decent block

posted by Manute Bol |

Isn't Angela Lansbury dead?

So this morning I wake up, getting ready to take the kids to school and that's when I see a video tape stuck like Rick Mahorn's ass in a revolving door to the coffee table with peanut butter. Oh great, now I gotta clean this crap up, I think to myself.

That's when it hits me.

This is my episode of ESPN's Outside the Lines

I scream for the kids to get in the room. There all pointing long-skinny fingers at each other and that's when Chris Mullen Bol drops a BOMB.

"Don't worry Dad, its just our Double Dare tape."

I almost lost it. "YOU TAPED DOUBLE DARE OVER MY OUTSIDE THE LINES APPEARANCE! WHAT THE HELL KIDS!!!!" I tried to compose myself and hold back my anger, "Why on earth would you tape Double Dare anyway? It's on the GAS network like 24 hours a day."

One of the kids says, "Well what if we wanted to take it to Grandma's house?"

I almost lost it again, "YOUR GRANDMA LIVES IN WADI HALAFA." Again I had to compose myself, Manute Bol is a reasonable man. "She doesn't even have a VCR, listen I'll clean this up, why don't you guys get your mom to drive you to school."

I sat there for a while just looking at the tape, sure I could call up ESPN in Bristol and have them make me another dub, but those greedy bastards would want something. I'd probably have to do one of those commercials where the Demon Deacon, that Orange thing from Syracuse, Stewart Scott convince me to pants a LPGA golfer or something. Such a hassle for one tape.

So I flip on the tube, hoping by some luck I'll find it on ESPN Classics, the first channel has a Murder She Wrote Commercial -- I assumed it was A&E or something -- but what the hell, the commercial announces "ALL NEW". Even I thought I was dead, but look at this here I am, tonight on CBS
I look at the cable box, channel 8 -- that's CBS. But how is that possible, I think to myself, I could swear up and down Angela Lansbury was dead. How did she die I try to remember, choked on a chicken bone? Car accident? OD? Well shit, she's gotta be like 90 years old, maybe it was just a heart attack or a rabid dog.

But there she is looking at me on the tube all like, "I'm Jessica Fletcher and I suspect the cause of death was MUURRRDDER." So I think, they must have taped this before she stepped off the mortal coil.

And then it happens.

Good Morning Hartford comes on and who is being interviewed live via satellite, Angela F'N Lansbury. Clearly, she is alive and terrible.

What was I thinking, how could I not know she was alive? Maybe I was thinking of someone else... Peter Falk, no I know Colmbo's still kickin' it. Rockfort Files? James Garner is around I think, isn't he? Doesn't matter I wouldn't confuse James Garner with Murder She Riz.

I spent all day trying to think of who from TV died that I confused with Angela Lansbury. So I go to pick up the kids from school and I'm still just kicking myself in my 6'4" ass trying to figure this one out. The kids pile into the Pontiac Montana with the front seat removed and one of my daughters asks if she can pop in the new Tatu album she borrowed from her friend.

Pour one out for me homies.... DA PLANE!!"That's it!!!" I scream scaring the shit out of the kids. They stared at me kind of blankly. "Tattoo, you know Hervé Villechaize!!!!" More stares. "You know, Fantasy Island, Ricardo Montalban, The Man With the Golden Gun."

"Why did Tattoo have a golden gun?" my daughter asked.

"NO, Christopher Lee had a golden gun, and three nipples that's how James Bond knew it was him."

Realizing, I had to back track and explain to them that I had some how thought Angela Lansbury had died, but actually I was thinking of the 3'10" star of Fantasy Island.

"Why would you confuse Mr Villechaize with the lady from Murder She Wrote?"

My son had a valid point, the real reason is because in '91 when I was with Golden State I went to this party in Malibu, sort of a friend of a friend thing -- turns out it was Rue McClanahan's house and all these old TV people were there. Long story short, some one introduces me to Hervé because we're both freaks of nature, he's pretty drunk and then Lansbury walks by. "HEY!" He shouts, "Your show sucks, Matlock could totally kick your bony old ass.. Bitch!!"

Lansbury runs off and I'm laughing so hard I almost fall into the hot tub, which is totally full of Wilford Brimley. Anyway, that's why I think of those two together, but I can't tell them that story so I make up that Lansbury was a frequent guest star on Fantasy Island and the two were briefly married.

They totally bought it and I was off the hook. I still haven't gotten my tape from those bastards in Bristol, but what the hell -- life is too short, just ask Tattoo. HA! TOO Short, get it?

posted by Manute Bol |

Never say Never

Hey lets sing a song about how we both like dudes!!!!According to the SUN Brittney and Justin may be getting back together again!!!!
Well at least for a duet on her new record, but can wedding bells be far behind this meeting of musical midgets?

Okay that might be a little harsh, but seriously, Justin, dude, the Michael Jackson thing is getting a little old -- impersonating a washed up creepy guy can't help but be creepy.

thanks to MacK10 for the BUZZZZZZ.

posted by Manute Bol |


Hey, isn't that Stiffler's Mom?

Not quite sure why Whatevs is so obsessed with this movie, I know Chris Mullen Bol wanted to see it. I told him to wait until its on cable, too bad for him we have a V-chip in our set -- Cinemax BLOCK!!!! HA HA HA!!!

Anayway, here's a Rob Zombie update from Nummer.

Rocker-turned-filmmaker Rob Zombie is fixing to build another "House." Zombie has inked a deal with Lions Gate Films to write and direct a sequel to his directorial debut, the horror feature "House of 1000 Corpses," which has scared up more than $11 million in box office receipts since its U.S. release last month.

posted by Manute Bol |

Get Ready to be Bol'd Oves!!

Are you FOW's Ready to RRRRROCK!??!!!

I can't hear you, Manute Bol said are you ready to RRRRRROCK?!!!?

That's more like it.

Is it just Manute Bol, or yesterday was the Gorilla a little heavy on the content, but a little light on the stuff a real FOWs give a crap about?? Are you with me?


Anyway check out this kick ass picture I made on Microsoft Paint entitled, Gorilla BLOCK!!!


If you have any piping hot content send it my way over email!!! Manute Bol

posted by Manute Bol |
Thursday, May 08, 2003  


Look what you did NCAA, you made T Mills cry.  Is that what you want?  Huh? You want T Mills to cry?  You hypocritical bastards!
I belive I've made my opinions about the dirrrty state of NCAA basketball well known, but I do believe the Wolverines just got screwed by the NCAA. Come on NCAA show some love for the U of M -- they did some good self imposed sanctions from post season play last year, took down the Fab Five era banners -- and you just keep asking for more. Wurst. Thanks to Nummer for the link.

posted by The Gorilla |

How to wreck your credibility

First a tour with Dashboring Confessonial, now Beck is writing a song for Ugly McWurst, Pink, to scream at overproduced, ear shatters volume on the Charlie's Angles II soundtrack.

A slow painful career sucide is picking up momentum -- hopefully he's getting well paid.
I use to be so cool. + I must achieve more vol!!!! = HEY THERE SAILOR!!!!

posted by The Gorilla |

Second Cousin to Adventures in Disposable Income

And you thought your life was boring.

Check out the website of my friend and colleague Allen Bukoff, PHD (he even requires that you call him that all the time, for example -- "Hey, Allen Bukoff, PHD are you going to eat that fry?" or "Excuse me, Allen Bukoff, PHD, would you please move your bulldozer? You seem to be crushing my legs.")
It's entitled lunch and it treads that fine line between art and pointlessness. To really appreciate the lengths he'll, PHD go to for his "art" check out the comment under Wed. April 30 -- I had lunch with him that day -- it's about wasted time on so many levels it boggles the mind.
If you are still reading this for some reason you could check out some of Allen Bukoff, PHD other classic pieces of art, such as Fluxus Housework and The Bathrooms of Madison County. It's kind of in the same vein as Al Hansen (Beck's Grandpa) and Yoko Ono -- but without the screeching and breaking up the Beatles.

posted by The Gorilla |

Apple's New Digital Music Service

Those crazy kids at Fortune give the break down on pay for play music.

Steve-O rockin' the business up front, party out back look Here's my two cents on i Tunes by Apple, the new revolution in music according to CEO Steve Jobs. This is a step in the right direction: music download service where you pay per song downloaded, you can burn it to cd, upload it to an digital music player, basically just like all other formats before it you can do what ever technology will allow you to do with it, because you own it (like a mix tape for those stuck in analog). But it’s no surprise that the really big super artists (Dr Dre, Sheryl Crow, et al) are its biggest fans. Why?


It still means an album’s worth of music is going to run $15+ bucks. That’s bull shit, the record companies have been artificially inflating the price of CDs for ever – this scenario basically means the fat record companies and huge artists will still reap most of the profits from the industry, nothing changes but the medium.

Basically we need reassess what it means to be a recording artist and look to the recordings more as a marketing tool for the real brand the artist. Basically you invest in recording an album to give it away (or close to it) to people to get them to like you, pay attention to you and to demand more stuff that they’ll pay for. If you ONLY make music in a studio, I’m sorry you aren’t pulling your weight, there are better margins on touring – so get your ass out there and perform, put on a show, do dinner theater, whatever. If you can’t, consider doing movies, TV or something else to supplement your income. If you just want to live off of making recordings fine, but don’t count on being rich.

Back catalog sales are going to amount to very little in the new world, you can still get money from radio, advertising, TV and movies for the rights to use your music in their product, but even now very few artists can live off that income indefinitely. If you’re smart you write your own songs, because all the publishing residuals from the before mentioned mediums, plus other artist covering your song are still worth something – but who has more money, Eminem or that Whacked Out Dude who co-wrote his Oscar winning song? Artists are entitled to compensation for their work. Companies that underwrite that work are entitled to recoup what ever investment (recording time, production, marketing, distribution) they make in those artists. However, they aren’t entitled to be rich just because they have a certain level of fame or because they can help make someone famous, which is exactly the promise of the existing system.

We aren’t stupid, we understand that with digital tech, the cost of making a high quality album is drastically declining and even the new White Stripes album recorded on Dixie Cups tied together with string got uploaded to a computer that certainly was cheaper and better than it was 5 years ago. Marketing’s not a big expense for artist except at the top end and most artists are pretty much responsible for that cost anyway. Distribution in the new iTunes world is pretty damn cheap compared to factories, warehouses, tractor trailers, and Best Buy scenario – so why are they making these damn things cost so much? Because they are trying to keep the old system that’s survived since the days of sheet music and ‘78’s alive.

I pay for music now, and I’m willing to keep paying for music, but this is completely uninteresting to me, much less a 13-year old kid who has 5,000 mp3’s and has never paid for an album. They're lamenting low sales and screwing the customers on price -- I want a cd’s worth of music without copy protection for under $10. $0.50 a song isn't a bad place to start for new, hot stuff, but I think $0.25 or less for the back catalog is more realistic. Even I have some stuff on vinyl and cd – I don’t particularly want to pay more to get it again, even if the sound quality’s been cleaned up. Hopefully, some companies will take Apple’s lead, but run at a better price.

posted by The Gorilla |

The last SARS LINK

I swear, I'm not even that interested... but here's a link to the world wide distribution of SARS in convienent map form from Dr Daltry at the WHO. Click for a legible view.
You say the Ukraine is weak! Ukraine not weak, you weak!

posted by The Gorilla |

Is SARS getting a little, well... SARS?

Would you like to get it on T-Rex Stizz?Not according to Hong Kong filmmakers who apparently have several SARS pics in the works. According to the BBC famed Hong Kong actress Gong Li has even been asked to star in one production. Hmmmm, what about Well Hung as her co-star????
Thanks to Big Matt for the heads up

posted by The Gorilla |

This Week's SNL PREVIEW -- Brody Buzz?????

A little piping hot content from the resident SNL aficionados.


As most of you know by reading SNL updates on whatevs, Renee Zellweger was originally slated to host this episode. What happened is anyone's guess, but Adrien Brody is as good a replacement as any I suppose.

Brody is a decent actor. While I still haven't seen The Pianist, I'm semi-familiar with his work from The Thin Red Line, New York Stories and Summer of Sam.

As for Sean Paul & Wonder Wayne, I have absolutely no idea who these bozos are. I'm told one has to do with reggae? Worst. This could be as laughable as that Bubba Sparxx (sp?)/Shakira pairing last season.

Expect this to be the typical Season 28 outing. One or two good sketches, then a bunch of filler, un-inspired, garbage.

I'm not too excited about this week's episode with host Adrian Brody, although I'm not sure it would've been any better with previously rumored host Renee Zellweger. I know next to nothing about Brody's acting skills, so I can't really comment on how good of a host he'll be. But I picture this episode to follow suit with the majority of the shows this season: mediocre. Sure, it might have a few good moments, but I get the feeling that most of the time I'll be desperately searching for something, anything to laugh at just so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time.

Sean Paul?? Wayne Wonder?? Reggae?? Doesn't seem to make the show any more appealing.

posted by The Gorilla |

Breakin' Links to Start Yo' Day With Hotness

Like we care if they're REALLY lesbians NME is reporting that those little Russian-Pop-Pixies, Tatu were forced to stop shooting their new video for 'Show Me Love'' on the steps of Parliament yesterday, even after 100 teenage girls in school uniforms showed up for the shoot. A Metropolitan Police spokesperson said: "The commissioner of police dictates to his constables that they should disperse all assemblies or processions of persons causing or likely to cause an obstruction on any day which parliament is sitting. This is to allow free passage to the house."

< cough > You Blow. < cough >

Luckily, the shoot was able to proceed at an alternate location with 300 teenage girls. This comes only days after the girls were forced to cancel three UK shows for lack of ticket sales, which only goes to prove my theory that most British men prefer young boys...

No, I do not know the Principal from Ferris Bueller.  And his name is JEFFERY JONES, thank you very much In a related story, legendary rocker Pete Townsend was cleared of charges that he possessed child porn. Townsend did, however admit to 'doing' research' for his book by checking out a pay-for-play kiddie porn site and giving them his credit card number -- though he didn't download any images. Just to make the story even grosser, "a police spokesman said a DNA sample would be taken from Townsend and he would be listed on the national Sex Offenders Register for five years."

Lets just hope they took a hair sample... uhhhggg. Now seriously folks, does this look like the face of a pedophile to you????

Last but not least the Village Voice had this interesting article on bands who can't play guitar, basically as a pretense to rip on AFI. They also get in a swift kick on the always wurst Good Charlotte. Thanks to the Modern Age for the great link.

posted by The Gorilla |
Wednesday, May 07, 2003  

A New Day Dawns for Whatevs

Gorilla checking out the Mrs.

Yup, you guessed it -- your humble guest editor for Thruz and Fiz is none other than I, the Gorilla.

So, if you've gotten hold of any unmitigated buzz, piping hot content or are just itchin' to unleash your brilliance on the FOWs shoot me an email and I'll see what can be arranged, if you get my drift... [$$$$$$]

(I mean bribes).

(What I'm trying to say is if you deliver American currency to me, I'll post your writing on this distinguished, well bred BLOG... if you pay me)

posted by The Gorilla |


i'm off the land of Clam Chowder, Nomar and the parquet floor for the next few days. fortunately for the FOWs, i have arranged for a special guest to become Your Humble Editor for Thurz and Frizz. stay tuned to whatevs.org for some ultra fresh P.H.C. for the next few days from this FOW that you all know and love. booyakasha.

larry bird of prey

posted by uncle grambo |

x-tina revealed

for those who doubted the authenticity of the X-Tina photo yesterday, I present this evidence of her current weight. the picture on the left was taken on May 5th at the Teen People Awards, and the picture on the right is a papparazzi shot of her swimming in Malibu. i rest my case. schmoggs.

may 5swimming

posted by uncle grambo |

hott lynxxx

bestriding a wave of publicity unseen since the days of "Amish Paradise", Weird Al is profiled by both MTV.com and Rolling Stone.com today. the first single from his forthcoming album, "Poodle Hat", is called "Couch Potato" and is a spoof of Eminem's "Lose Yourself." Sample lyric: "Oh! Ozzy's family/Sho' loves profanity/Whoa, the insanity/Oh, dogs that crap and pee/Home of depravity?/No, they live happily." while Em gave Weird Al permission to parody his song, that permission does not extend to videos. does anyone else find this wildly hypocritical, esp. since Eminem made his name by apeing the likes of Johnny Carson and Marilyn Manson (in the "My Name Is" video) early in his career, and as recently as a year ago parodied Elvis, Moby and Osama Bin Laden in the video for "Without Me"? c'mon Em, loosen up a bit.

Ashton Kutcher has buzz. not only did he manage to have Brit Brit appear with her tatts virtually falling out of a tank top on this week's edition of Punk'D, but apparently he parties with The Bush Twins! according to Entertainment Tonight, Kutcher alleges that the Bush Twins smoked weed with one of his buddies! and i quote, "So we're hanging out ... The Bushes were underage drinking at my house. When I checked outside, one of the Secret Service guys asked me if they'd be spending the night. I said no. And then I go upstairs to see another friend and I can smell the green wafting out under his door. I open the door, and there he is smoking out the Bush twins on his hookah." so much Spicoli buzz!

after a week or so of inactivity, my main man Kegzies is back with a bevy of updates to the erstwhile and altogetherly tigs Glamorama Online. apparently he's been spending his downtime writing, as he reviews the new Evan Dando album ("If this is the album one makes after spending a decade smoking crack and sleeping on Courtney Love's couch, then count me in"), the new Longwave ("the aural equivalent of reheated leftovers"), the mini-LP from Byrne ("If you asked Spiritualized’s Jason Pierce to do an album reinterpreting late period Beatles, it might sound something like this") and "the single of the year (so far)", Hot Hot Heat's "Bandages". welcome back to the blogging world Kegzies, we missed ya.

whatever happened to Ashleigh Banfield? The New York Times reports on her rocket ride to fame and her equally swift descent from relevance.

last but not least, this week's edition of The New York Observer profiles Heidi Julavits, co-editor of The Believer. it's a good piece and pretty inspirational for any fellow English majors out there in cyberspizz (thanks to Tip Ster for the link).

posted by uncle grambo |
Tuesday, May 06, 2003  

through sickness* and through health

i now pronounce you Man and SARS

*does not include SARS

posted by uncle grambo |

recent search buzz

how do people discover whatevs.org? recent viewers stumbled onto this blog o'sexxxiness by searching on the following terms:

whatevs.org — what kind of weird-o searches for whatevs.org on Yahoo? (#1 on Yahoo)
sarah kozer pictorial — still riding Joey Mills buzz! (#18 on Yahoo)
eagles different versions of hotel california — thank you C. Friggs! (#1 on Alltheweb.com)
show me any sexy movie — sexy gets me mad click-throughs (#12 on Google)
welcome interstate managers — so much Fountains Of Wayne buzz (#3 on Google.de)

posted by uncle grambo |

clicky con carne

looks like the influence of whatevs.org has spread to the Washington Post! check out the following headline from today's papes: Baghdad Zoo in Tatters After Looting. well if that doesn't just shatters your mctatters, i'll be boombalatters! obvs.

The Smoking Gun reveals the mug shots of the Miss Elizabeth killer Lex Luger. he looks roided out beyond belizz.

as Nummer revealed earlier today, Tina Fey has signed a $4 million deal to appear in the next two seasons of SNL. the deal w/NBC also includes some series development buzz. maybe it will be centered around the infamous Tina Fey walk?!?

reason #936 that Wal-Mart blows. The New York Times is reporting that laddie mags such as Maxim, Stuff and FHM have been banned from their stores. what a buncha students. on a related note, this effectively kills the career of Carmen Electra in America's heartland.

in honor of MJP's headfirst Chet Lemon reset, enjoy this NYT article on The Lost Art Of The Slide.

posted by uncle grambo |

snl season 28 ... REVEALED!

Breaking SNL News
by Nummer

Possible news story of the year...

Last night at approximately 7:57 PM, I was watching the Fox Report with Sheppard Smith. During his "G Block" segment, Smith reported that Jimmy Fallon is considering leaving SNL at the end of the season.

This would sort of make sense since Hollywood Reporter revealed yesterday that Fey has been offered $4 Million to do Weekend Update for 2 more years. My guess is Fallon's offer (if anything above normal pay) wasn't close to that. Perhaps they realize Fey is the talent behind that segment and ANY cast member could sit next to her and read prepared jokes.

Imagine for a moment: an SNL without Jarret's Room, Boston Teens, Leatherman and annoying Weekend Update song parodies. Oh man. This could be a sweet thing.

It is also a 99% deal that Tracey Morgan is out of there this summer for his NBC sitcom slated to begin this fall. I'm also willing to bet Kattan and Hammond part ways too. It's about time. New talent like Poehler, Richards, Forte and Armisen are simply taking all the light. Out with the old, in with the new!

posted by uncle grambo |

stripped? no thanks!

first celebrity victim of SARS? or maybe just too many trips to the Old County Buffet? you decide!


posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, May 05, 2003  

SARS goes to Madison Avenue

87 topps is bestSARS. despite the fact that J. Walter Thompson isn't its Agency Of Record, SARS has more street cred than White Boy Rick. in an ad that will surely win the Communist equivalent of the Clio Awards, the ad wizards of the Communist Party have launched an anti-SARS campaign, billboard stizz. the billboard reads "The SARS will surely be conquered by our government under the leadership of the Communist Party of China" alongside the image of a giant fist. no word on whether the fist is in any way, shape or form related to Joe Louis' massive fist in D-Town. there is also no official word on when SARS will begin launching spot television and whether it will be local or national in nature ... where's Danny Pesto with some media strategy when you need him?

my advice? hire Toronto's favourite son / Tiger Killer Jorge Bell! best spokesperson since Tom Bosley sent Hefty's sales figures through the stratosphere back in the mid-eighties! someone get Liz Rosenberg on the phone ... so much PR buzz going unrevealed!

posted by uncle grambo |


bang posh like beckhamfrom the "i told you so" department comes word in this week's Entertainment Weekly that Jennifer Garner has usurped the role that Gwyneth Paltrow was supposed to play in "Happy Endings", the altogetherly unanticipated follow-up to "Bounce" from director Don Roos. if you recall, back on February 12th i posted a rant that compared the recent career trajectory of the leggy starlets. Paltrow left the pic to (and I quote) "mourn the death of her father" — while whatevs.org throws continued condolences out to Gwynnie, this excuse is PR speak for "thanks but no thanks, Roos has no buzz." developing...

detroit rocks ... literally! Four underground explosions rocked the city of Detroit this morning, and WDIV is reporting that there is a fire burning underneath the city around the area of Shelby and Lafayette streets. the explosions were big enough to reportedly blow a manhole cover into the air. i always wondered about those underground C.H.U.D. gasses that are everywhizz in the D ... who knew they were explosive? no word on whether the giant underground meth lab beneath Comerica Park was affected. developing...

Keanu Reeves is a mystery wrapped inside of a riddle wrapped inside of an enigma. sure, "The Matrix Reloaded" has more buzz than the first case of celebrity SARS (calling Jorge Bell!), but you know what doesn't have buzz? the fact that Keanu is now in a band with Rebecca from "The Real World: Seattle"! no, i'm NOT kidding. the band's name is Becky and they're playing at gig at The Viper Room TONIGHT! shat, who knew that those recording sessions with Sir Mix-A-Lot would've paid off! no word on whether Reigndance will be opening. developing...

i thought that after I saw Craig Vines climb the walls of The Shelter like he was a drunkenmonkey last summer that I had seen it all. apparently i was wrong. you've heard of girls joining and playing for all-male sports teams, right? well right now in Washington D.C., Ralph Chittams has joined his high school's all-girls lacrosse team, becoming the first male athlete in the history of the United States public school athletics to compete on an all-girls team. according to a parent who watched a recent game that the 5' 10", 140 lb. boy played, "My first thought was that seems like a very big girl. But I'm not sure it really makes a difference. But it was surprising to see him out there. He doesn't seem to overpower the girls" (link courtesy of Solotarian Views). developing...

last but not least, bad news for Man U fans. while the famed English soccer club captured its eighth Premiership title in the last 11 years, it appears that David Beckham is leaving the club for Spanish giants Real Madrid! developing...

posted by uncle grambo |

blue buzz

due to a fundamental flaw in my coding, the FOWs haven't been able to fully realize the whatevs.org redesign that occured oh so many weeks ago. faulty coding didn't reveal the hott ass blue background that was the lynchpin of my recent redesign! i surfed whatevs.org this weekend from home and the blue background wasn't there ... which was SARSified. so please accept my millions of apologies — i do have a some small real estate reserved in my grey matter for design. that plain white background was NOT what i intended ... my bad.

can we still be friends?

posted by uncle grambo |

all grizz, all the time

The Grizz just forwarded me this press release that is sure to cause tremors along the faultlines of the FOW Community!!! in fact, this very topic was heatedly debated on Saturday night between Damore, Peabs and myself! According to Billboard.com, "The Strokes have parted ways with producer Nigel Godrich after a trial period of sessions intended for the group's second RCA album, Billboard.com can exclusively reveal. The band will return to the studio at the end of the month with producer Gordon Raphael, who was behind the boards for its 2001 debut, "Is This It," according to manager Ryan Gentles." trouble in Strokesville?

The Grizz also revealed this brief story from MTV.com: "A couple of days ago, David Lee Roth told the world that he apprehended a robber who broke into his manor in the middle of the night by pulling out a shotgun and holding the man at bay until cops arrived. But Pasadena, California, police say Roth has a creative memory. According to the police report, one of Roth's neighbors was trying to break the window of his own home and a concerned neighbor called the police. When the boys in blue arrived, they heard two men arguing, so they asked Roth to open his security gates, and they found the singer on a second floor balcony pointing his finger at his neighbor, who was lying flat on the lawn. Cops found methamphetamine on the neighbor and took him into custody. The report made no mention of Roth wielding a gun." DLR ... so desperate for pub that he issues false press releases! if he's so needy, why doesn't he just go to a Toronto Blue Jays game and catch SARS from giving Jorge Bell a footrub!

and while we're on the topic of The Grizz, our man in Amsterdam reviewed two hot new records in this weekend's DetNews. he describes Blur's latest album, "Think Tank", by noting that "(Ex-guitarist Graham) Coxon's absence makes "Think Tank" feel underdeveloped, but it's still a compelling listen." in another review, he proclaims the Yeah Yeah Yeah's "like Elastica, but without Justine's lips" (EDITOR'S NOTE: Justine ... best sneer evs? obvs. way better than Billy Idol). the YYY's major label debut, "Fever To Tell", hit stores last Tuesday and is described as "a potent blast of rough-around-the-edges punk-pop that's neither overly glossly or disgustingly grimy, but somewhere in the middle."

posted by uncle grambo |

reader retort

when people in Hong Kong first started complaining of a mysterious fever about two months ago, who knew that it would turn into the hottest cultural phenomenon since The Rubik's Cube? SARS -- so mysterious! so deadly! so not deadly at all! so persistent! so ruining the Canadian economy! so much buzz! leave it to Damore to send in this Reader Retort dedicated to the best disease since jock itch...

From: Damore
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com
Subject: Thank you Whatevs.org (sincerely)
Date: Mon, 05 May 2003 09:31:14 -0400

Thank you Whatevs.org. Because of the piping hot SARS content & creative use of SARS to supplement/compliment the term 'durst', I am obsessed w/ the latest medical mystery of the 21st century. S-A-R-S .

With so much Asian , Canadian, & most importantly Whatevs.org buzz, it's difficult to ignore. Some may say SARS is merely a blip on the radar & is the product of media over-hype selling the drama in attempt to get people to care about something other than how much Tracy McGrady blows. That or the media is trying to fight an unprecedented war on 4 fronts-- 32-10 coverage on the US war on Iraq, SARS, another guy who killed his wife trial, & the size/shape of the kidney stones Larry King passed over the weekend.

There isn't much known about SARS, other than it's bad. Right now I can't even tell you what the acronym stands for. I just know that Amazon.com's distribution center in China has placed a hold on my mail-order brides from Beijing due to the epidemic. Amazon, so unreliable--How many cd's have they said they 'shipped' but nothing showed up? I doubt my mail carrier (Laronda) is kiting all my singles/imports. I mean, if I can't trust them w/ delivery on an Ashcroft single, how could I possible trust them to deliver a mail-order bride? Simple -ordered two just in case one doesn't arrive or one has SARS & dies. Plus they were having a 2 for 1 deal in April due to the elevated level of risk from SARS. Damore, why not buy European? Euro exchange rates are not favorable to Americans at this time.

Oh, there it is--Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome. What the hell does that mean?

Whatevs.org, you are creative using syndrome acronyms to highlight that which blows. Peab's is a huge fan of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), which is pretty sweet itself, but we both agree--SARS has so much more buzz now. SIDS makes you feel guilty because an infant has died 'suddenly', which is sad. AIDS you sort of feel bad because you may know someone w/ it or just take so much crap for being 'un-PC'--plus it's lost so much buzz over the years--it's the Robert Parrish of syndromes...it's so old. But SARS, it's the victim-less syndrome synonymous w/T-Mac getting T-bagged by the Pistons. It sounds like a made up syndrome (like SIDS), but the warning signs are a cross between a hangover & the flu. Headache, 100.4 F temp, slight cough? Hmmm, maybe I have SARS...or better yet, chronic SARS (as revealed last week on Whatevs).

In conclusion, SARS is the best. Please keep up the good work Whatevs.org. My use of SARS is in tribute to the Whatevs & FOW community. Gotta go, time to approve more shipping delays on Amazon.com.

SARS free for 1 hr 35 min

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Thanks to the ever trusty New York Times, I discovered a little more about Chronic SARS this weekend. mad buzz!)

posted by uncle grambo |

f.a.t. part deux

a few more entries made their way into my Yahoo Mail after Friday's 2pm EST deadline ... enjoy!

Manute Bol

Song: "You Can Call Me Al"
Artist: Paul Simon

Holy crap dude, sorry Manute Bol missed your email. Listen, Grambo, my man, I've been crazy busy lately because Manute Bol moved again and I'm even working on Manute Bol's use of the first person!

I've wanted to move back to the states because my first wife moved back here with the kids -- and I don't want to miss these precious years. Chris Mullen Bol is being recruited by some very prestigious junior high basketball programs, and you know I don't want miss that action.

Anyway, I've decided to settle in Connecticut -- which is very similar in climate to Khartoum-Omdurman... WHO KNEW!!

Anyway, my summer song is definitely "You Can Call Me Al" from Paul Simon's "Graceland." In like summer 1990 I show up to the Warriors training room, you know, not to crack my scary-thin arms by lifting weights or anything, but to hang out, shoot the shit with guys, throw back some free Gatorade. Anyway, here I am, just kickin' back pretending to spot Ralph Sampson (for 7'4 he could be a real pussy) when I hear this great trumpet line kick in on the gym boom box, "Hey that's good" I say to a very winded Ralph. That's when I feel a little tug on my tube sock, son-of-a-gun, if it wasn't little Muggsy Bogues. HA Muggsy, so tiny!!He says to me, "Hey Manute Bol, that song's by Africans like you." "What you smoking little man? Paul Simon's not from Africa, he's from like the Bronx or something, you think just cause Garfunkle's hair's all fro'd out that Paul Simon's from Africa?" Muggsy, a little defensive, says "No, the musicians are from South Africa." I say, "Oh, I see just because I'm from Africa I'm suppose to know these guys, what the hell Muggsy Bogues? South Africa is thousands of miles always from the Dinka tribal grounds, do you listen to lumberjack music from Manitoba... YOU'RE ON THE SAME CONTINENT." Obviously, I made the tiny one a bit uncomfortable because he didn't know what to say. That's when Sampson says, "Hey, you guys seen the video with Chevy Chase?" Muggsy goes, "Chevy Chase... I love that guy." I was all like, "No Shit, Manute Bol's seen Fletch like 10 times -- black-face-Laker-Fletch so funny!" We all agreed and went back to my place, got shit faced and watched "Funny Farm". And that's why "You Can Call Me Al" always makes me think of Chevy Chase... oh and summer too.


Song: "You Are The Everything"
Artist: R.E.M.

not exactly rag-topping it down the Freeway of Love material, but for some reason this song just feels like summer to me. summer nights really; crickets, calm, t-shirt warm, hazy stars. you know, drifting off to sleep with your teeth in you mouth kind of stuff. it's a bit like the "Nightswimming" song, but not so heavy handed. subtle and evocative - what rem did best.

posted by uncle grambo |
"I started out with a lot of Audioslave or anything Chris Cornell -- it helped with the aggression. And Chris Webber from the [Sacramento] Kings. There's a real sweetness behind his eyes, but he's pissed off."
Brad Pitt on the sources of inspiration for his character in "Troy"
be like mark

loretta lynn - van lear rose


king of new york (special edition)


john kennedy toole - a confederacy of dunces

adventures w/disposable income
date: 5.8.04
source: CVS
amount: $19.48
(1) liter of Captain's
(2) liters of DC w/lime
(1) mother's day card

snl season 29
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
may 10: the strokes @ state theatre
may 15: cardigans @ magic stick
may 17: softball league @ 8:30pm
may 17: last tourist @ small's (10pm)
may 24: softball league @ 6:10pm
may 27: sea ray / stills @ st. andrews
june 6: dido @ fox theater
june 7: softball league @ 7:20pm
june 14: softball @ 6:10pm
june 19: jessica's graduation party
june 21: softball @ 8:30pm
june 28: softball @ 6:10pm
july 3 - july 11: vacation @ TBD
july 12: softball @ 7:20pm
july 19: softball @ 7:20pm
july 26: softball @ 9:40pm
august 2: softball @ 7:20pm
august 14: nuptial buzz w/c friggs + lescal!!!
october 23: nuptial buzz w/the grizz + mandypants!!!
twenty word reviews
van helsing
walking tall
scooby doo 2: monsters unleashed
dawn of the dead
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
starsky & hutch
girl next door
re-imagines "Risky Business" with Vivid Girls instead of prostitutes; marks Elisha Cuthbert's arrival as an alluring, big screen sex symbol.
Despite the best efforts of TrachtenBest, suffers greatly from a lack of forward momentum (scriptwise) and some remarkably bland casting
along came polly
aside from Philip Seymour Best Ever's performance ("RAIN DANCE!"), I vastly preferred this when it was called "Dharma And Greg."
search THIS!

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