totally deck

remember when it was ironically hip to use the word "deck"? yeah, it's a distant memory for me too. in fact, i'm pretty sure I never said it out loud, although I'm fairly certain I sprinkled a few "decks" here and there on whatevs.org this spring. but the real deck that I'm referring to is this mutha of a strategy presentation I've been putting together for the better part of the last six weeks. i was s'posed to present this bad boy to my boss on Wednesday and then begin running the gauntlet through all of our various management teams and business units, but thankfully I earned a reprieve until Monday morning (b/c my boss was sick). buzz. so, in the time honored tradition of Corporate Presentations everywhere, I bring you today's final post in bullet time. schmobvs.

• corporate slang that I'm thoroughly sick of:
  — "Let's take this conversation offline" — Wait a second, we're not online here! There's no one on the phone, no conference call in progress, and I certainly don't see anyone surfing the net! There's only three of us in this meeting, what could POSSIBLY need to be taken 'offline'?
  — "What's the long pole in the tent on this project?" — What, are we suddenly employed by the fucking Ringling Brothers? We work in CUBES, not on trapezes! THERE IS NO TENT!!!
  — "I think we've got a disconnect" — AGAIN with the technology references when no technology is involved! Grrr!
  — "Ex cetera" — This one isn't really corporate related, just related to some stupidhead who doesn't realize that the correct pronunciation is "et cetera" ... hasn't this person ever wondered why the abbreviation is "etc" and not "exc"? MORON!

• Buffy goes brunette. Maybe it's just me, but my fave Buffy was Season Two SMG. she wore sluttier clothes in Season One, but I think it was the Angel affair in Season Two that really brought out the sultriness in The Slayer. obvs.

• David Fricke reviews the new Strokes record in Rolling Stone. the grumpy grumpsters over at The Velvet Rope complain. Velvet Ropers ... so jaded. so boring. so durst. yawn.

• Slate researches the hot button topic of what kind of breast implants feel better, silicone or saline? while you're there, witness the not-so-thinly veiled dousing of R.E.M. haterade.

• RRS ... classy AND sexy!

• a new site called ESPN Gamer explores the well-worn topic of best videogame football player of all-time ... inexplicably, they forget to mention Lawrence Taylor in the original Tecmo Bowl. he blocked every single FG or XP attempt, and if you dared bring the ball to his side of the screen, it was a guaranteed loss of yards. he'd get my vote.

• whatevs.org first reported on this band months ago, but the band Becky gets some Entertainment Weekly exposure. for those whose memory just isn't as sharp as it used to be, Becky is a band that consists of former "Real World: Seattle" cast member Rebecca Lord and "Point Break" star Keanu Reeves. buzz? there'd definitely be more buzz if the aforementioned Rebecca Lord was the former Vivid Girl (I loves me some French women) and not Sir Mix-A-Lot's protege. duh.

snl season 29 ... REVEALED!

despite the fact that Halle Berry has never been buzzworthy doesn't mean that this week's SNL is skippable ... musical guest Britney Spears = must see buzz. will Madge show up? you never know ... could be legendary, but let's hear what Nummer and H-Bomb think!

NUMMER	H-BOMB
EPISODE 3: Halle Berry / Britney Spears (10/18/03)
I'm going with the "this show has buzz" notion for this week's episode. Although I'm only familiar with Berry for her work in the X-Men movies, The Flintstones and Boomerang, I am pretty confident she will give a good turn at host. Maybe they will even poke fun at how stupid she looks in that new Catwoman suit, too. You also can't go wrong with SNL and Britney Spears. Seems like everytime she shows up, something memorable happens. Her showing up in a sketch is a complete given, so let's just hope it is not The Leatherman or Top O' The Mornin'.	There’s just one word to describe this week’s SNL with host Halle Berry and musical guest Britney Spears ... HOTT!! Hopefully I’m not getting my hopes up too high, but I have a good feeling about this show. I’ve always liked Berry and from last night's SNL ad where she was practically forcing herself on Spears, it looks like she’ll be up for anything as far as sketches are concerned. I'm actually looking forward to seeing Britney perform again. And if I completely have my way, Madonna will make a guest appearance to sing “Me Against the Music.” I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ms. Spears (and hopefully the Material Girl) make at least one appearance in a sketch. All in all, I’m counting on a great show.

"better than the beatles"

the above quote came courtesy of Peabs about halfway through last night's face melting performance by The Strokes. i'm still a little in shock from the show ... i went in expecting good things, but Julian, Albert, Fab, Nikolai and The Other One put on a gig of truly epic proportions. and though i'm usually chastised for my excessive use of hyperbole, i shit you not when i say that this show INSTANTLY went down in my top five shows of all-time. words cannot describe how truly best this show was, but this exchange between The Grizz, Nummer and The Gorilla will have to suffice:

The Grizz: "That show was so awesome, I'm going to buy two copies of Room On Fire!"
Nummer: "I'm going to buy EIGHT copies!"
Gorilla: "I'm going to buy THREE copies and then EAT TWO OF THEM!"

yes, the show was so good that The Gorilla has vowed to actually DIGEST THEIR CDs!!! if that's not enough to convince you, I'll let the pictures do the talking.

cubs win, cubs win!

or, more accurately, they don't. "hey Norm, if you were a hot dog ... would you eat yourself?" the inimitable Zulkey does the right thing and lays the blame not directly on The Bartman but on Sun-Maid®, Ponce de Leon and Yahweh. Solo was so crushed that he "felt like Fat Joe's girlfriend" ... too bad, chumps.

damn those corporate internet filters! Stereogum promises a link in which (and I quote) "Jewel gets naughty in the TRL photobooth"! i have no idea if this is SFW or not, so buyer beware.

remember all those good things I was saying about Michigan earlier? well I take them all back. the big news in the local fishwraps these days is either: a) The Festival Of Trees or b) the fact that the highway overpass that connects 75 and 94 will be closed until March. lousy smarch.

Liz Hurley ... still stacked after all these years. as you click this link, be sure to take a moment to bathe in the warm glow of celebrity nippage in a (mostly) SFW fash. obvs.

worst trade since Doyle Alexander for John Smoltz. James Garner to replace John Ritter on "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter" (or whatevs the eff that shizz is called).

David LaChapelle's Halloween costume.

HAWT! those sweet and tender hooligans over at NME are reporting that Damon Albarn may be recording with The Strokes!!! get the cool shoe shine.

get ur read on

from the year of our lord 1992 (forever true!) until august of 2001, i lived in the sleepy college town of Ann Arbor, MI. i walked in as a wide-eyed 17 year old suburbanite and walked out as a (mostly) jaded 26 year old suburbanite. so i guess it could and should be said that i spent my formative years in this town and that, on occasion, i really miss living there. last night was one of those nights.

while the northern Detroit suburbs are a glamourous amalgamation of everything that is worthwhile and hep on this planet (kinda sorta not so much), there isn't a worthwhile university within 35 miles. this leaves a massive void in the cultural periphery of an erstwhile gentleman like your Uncle Grambo, as one of the great perks of living in a college town was the seemingly endless stream of cool authors that rolled into town. now, if I'm lucky, I'll stumble upon a Mitch Albom book signing at the local B&N. er, not so much buzz to be had there. but last night was an exception, as one of my long-time faves brought his rock and reading road show into the Great Lakes State. yes indeed, Neal Pollack himself appeared at the Shaman Drum (one of the greatest indie bookstores I've ever had the pleasure of walking into). this was my second encounter with Pollack; a few years back, Peabs and myself caught a reading at an Ann Arbor based deli called Zingerman's, where Pollack (predictably?) proceeded to engage various audience members in an impromptu sandwich eating contest. while last night's reading was not punctuated with lunch meat, it was by no means any less entertaining.

Pollack arrived a little after 7pm, weary from the road after having damaged his meniscus on the opening night of this tour. like any great rock star, he had two opening acts preceed him to warm up the crowd (which was at least 40 deep). after an incredibly pretentious intro by a bookstore employee cum wanna-be writer, the audience was treated to a bravura intro by none other than Matthew Tobey of Haypenny and The City Of Floating Blogs fame. I wish that Matt would post the intro that he wrote, for it made me laugh out loud on multiple occasions and involved biting monkeys. then came Pollack, who read excerpts from his new novel "Never Mind The Pollacks" (including an piece that occurs in Ann Arbor and explores the creation myth of Iggy Pop) and his first novel ("The Neal Pollack Anthology Of American Literature"), as well as a piece from a magazine called The Walrus (which Pollack described with a chuckle as "an attempt to be the Harper's of Canada"). the crowd laughed loud and laughed often, even though your Uncle Grambo was the only person in the room who got a joke about Max's Kansas City (thank you Connie NYC!). after an hour or so, the crowd left with their bellies full of a hearty meal of humour.

but the real delight of the night was getting to meet and talk to not only Neal, but a bunch of people that I've been fans of for quite some time. aside from the aforementioned Mr. Tobey, I got to meet select members of the Haypenny crew, such as the esteemed Paul Fisher (also of What Would Kofi Annon Do? fame) and Sam Forsyth (who is the brains behind of my new fave sites, Television Solar System). i also got a chance to say hi to local raconteur and general man-about-town Rob Theakston (for writing skills, see AMG and Rob's Blog, for DJ skills you gotsta check out Thinkbox), as well as another AMG superstah named Heather P. ... in chatting with Neal, I also managed to not-so-casually drop some science about whatevs.org and he responded with an "oh yeah, I've been there before. great site!" (emphasis mine). so I got that going for me...

after the festivities concluded, I met up with my old friends and former roomies Caro and Veho. we strolled about A2, sat down at Ashley's for a few pints and reminisced. as is the case when you sit down with your closest friends, time flew by. alas, I missed the Havilland / Neal Pollack Invasion show at The Blind Pig, but believe me when I said that I (oh so briefly) thought about it on the long and lonely trek back to The O.C. all in all, it was a delightful eve with friends both old and new. for those of you who punked out on the trip, you missed a good one. for those of you who were there, you'll always remember how obvs it truly was. obvs.

windy city blues

so it seems that the Chicago Cubs fan has taken Pedro Martinez's place as the most hated man in the United States. in case you missed it last night, a Chicago Cubs fan interfered with a foul ball that would've seemingly been caught for an inning-ending out, opening the door for an eight-run rally by the Florida Marlins which cost the hapless Cubbies the game. apparently the Chicago fans were so riled up that the man required a police escort to leave the stadium. and is if THAT isn't bad enough, The Sun-Times reported the man's name and place of employment in today's paper. and GET THIS! his company's Human Resources department told him NOT TO COME INTO WORK TODAY! what is going on, people!?! it's just baseball! hell, out here in Detroit, we don't even have a baseball team! from one Midwestern city to another, you have gotsta chill Chi-Tizz! my suggestion? kick back with a few caucasians, your one-y and watch "The Big Lebowski" ... obvs.

[SPOILER ALERT] ... Miss Clix writes in today with a revelation that will be a giant crowd pleaser to any University of Michigan alums. remember chipatis? for the uninitiated, a chipati is a Ann Arbor delicacy that consists of a whole wheat pita served warm and stuffed with lettuce, green pepper, sweet red pepper, mushrooms, tomato and mozzarella. but whether your preference was Pizza House or Pizza Bob's (mine was the latter), the thing that separated this meal from any ole salad was the Secret Chipati Sauce. the sauce was nuclear orange in color, creamy in texture and closer to tangy than spicy on the taste scale. well now you can make this sauce at home, because the secret ingredients have been revealed! turns out that chipati sauce is ... drum roll please ... a combination of Frank's Red Hot and ranch dressing! REVEALED!

also revealed with considerably less fanfare, Pink is a lezzy lezbo. no buzz. and while we're on the topic of celebrity homosexuals, you'll be pleased to hear that Mr. Frodo Baggins himself, Elijah Wizz, was spotted in a New York City movie theatre applauding after seeing himself in a trailer for "Return Of The King" ... what a cornholio!

we're down to the finals of ESPN2's Best Uni Challenge. my beloved Wolverines are facing off against the Denver Broncos ... go Blue!

The Old Hag wants to "shizz some mizz" and even manages to mix in an "obvs" ... somewhere Peabs (as seen below) is smiling.

with a name like Total Chaos, what did you expect? link courtesy of Big Matt of Motor City Rocks fame.

“Sittin’ home on a cold day. Underneath the covers like a little baby. Think I wanna hear some Coldplay, especially that song when the man sings, ‘Did I drive you away?’” Brandy, what in the WORLD are you doing singing a song about Coldplay? shiiiit, what's next? Whitney singing about The Kings Of Leon? Patti LaBelle's tribute to The Stooges? no buzz.

say yes to michigan

with all the East Coast hullabaloo flying around this site for the last few days, I thought I would make a concerted effort this morning to bring it all back home, detroit stizz. with that in mind, enjoy the photo of "Transcending" in Detroit's Hart Plaza above. created by Detroit-based artists David Barr and Sergio DeGiusti, is "both a work of art and monument to the working women and men of Detroit whose blood, sweat and labor has built this great city." this photograph and many others are available if you check out The Fabulous Ruins Of Detroit (hardly a new site, but one worth visiting every few months). in addition, Daniel Kosmowski's photographic essay on the historic Book Cadillac Hotel is supremely tigs. hey, hey Hockeytown!

like garlic to a vampire, the commercials for Wrigley's new Grapermelon gum have warded me away from even an experimental purchase. thankfully Flak's James Norton took the plunge for all of us and revealed that the gum's flavor "spins, top-like, across a patchwork quilt of dubious taste sensations."

to the unfortunate soul who stumbled across this unholy website yesterday on a Google search of "Is Tracy Bonham John Bonham's daughter?", I am sad to report the answer is "No." I am also sad to report that you are an idiot of almost unheralded proportions. To cure this unfortunate case of blitheringidiotisis, I recommend that you pick up a 52 week subscription to US Weekly, that you watch at least two hours of music videos every day (preferably MTV2, but VH-1 and Fuse are acceptable substitutes), you spend this entire weekend glued to the "I Love The 80s Strikes Back" marathon and that you visit this very website thrice daily. please keep me updated on your progress. obvs.

in french she would be called "la renarde"

hey, you know what they call Maxim in france? MAXIMAL! hott buzz courtesy of Britney Images, obvs.

and here i was thinking that a picture phone was the way to go

once again, those young troubadours known as The Strokes have taught your Uncle Grambo a life lesson. according to those scaliwags over at NME, Albert Hammond Jr. recently watched the original Michael Caine version of "The Italian Job" and decided, right then and there, that "having one's own tailor is the way forward." some say revolutionary.

and as long as we're on with the obligatory NYC band resets, apparently Karen O-Face suffered a bump on the noggin during a recent concert after she "pitched headfirst from the stage into the photo pit" and had to be taken off to the hospital. despite the fact that she must have been totally effed for this to happen in the first place, i've got a twenty spot that says she wasn't half as stoned as Evan Dando was when he came through town this summer. so much bubonic chronic! (thanks to Peabs for revealing this hottness)

get OUT! The Fangoria Web site confirmed a rumor that the sequel to "Freddy vs. Jason" will feature none other than Bruce Campbell's character, Ash, from the "Evil Dead" series (link via Nummer).

for some bizarre reason, neither of the following two sites have EVER loaded properly for me (note to these two worthy proprietors: Blogspot blows!). regardless, i'm not going to let a silly little thing like that stop me from recommending that you visit The Old Hag and This Is Not A Pipe. like, now!

totally scandalous. Thora Birch dumped Francis Ford Coppola for Fred Durst.

i can just imagine the marketing cronies over at DCX snickering about this one. according to The Detroit News, Dodge is debuting a :30 tv spot next month in which two men standing side-by-side at rest room urinals (!!!) are overheard discussing how "size" matters -- only the object of their attention is a Dodge Durango poster on the wall. Jim Ziegler, a columnist for Dealer Magazine, responded to the spot by calling it (and I quote) "pee-pee humour at its worst." wait a second ... "pee-pee" humour? not "bathroom" humour? who is this guy anyway? but I digress ... this is just another blunder in a long line of marketing blunders made at Chrysler since the Germans took over in the mid-90s. like their mini-van ads that not-so-subtly hinted about wife swapping or their decision to shell out millions and millions of dollars to make Celine Dion their spokesperson. no buzz.

i am blogger, hear me growl!

to quote the character not so loosely based on Don King in Rocky V, "YOU GOTTA DAWG 'EM!" if you want the Chalice Of Bloggity Besteverness passed on from the NYC deities who preside over such things, you gotta get on the highest mountain top and shout your name on high. but if you happen to reside in a state that doesn't actually HAVE any mountains, sometimes a self-aggrandizing weblog post will suffice. even though the House Of Thrill taught us that "the typical blog is written by a teenage girl who uses it twice a month to update her friends and classmates on happenings in her life", whatevs.org is standing firm in its bid to be your central resource for all piping hot content, and I'm quite serious in my intent to deliver it to the collective sexy bods of the FOW Nation. fortunately for your Uncle Grambo, my bid to claim control over the departed throne of Miss Modernage has been met with a mild level of support in the Blogosphere. take for instance the good folks over at Chrome Waves, who've stepped up and declared this very website to be "the new source of all things prurient and Britney." and for this I thank you. an even stronger vote of confidence was delivered by none other than The Cinecultist herself, inciting her strong readerbase to "make Uncle Grambo the newest 'white hot blog du jour,'" because "he's certainly got the ego for it." to this I quite simply respond with "OBVS!!!"

but the most interesting commentary comes courtesy of the supreme arbiters of taste TMFTML. i will quote.

"(This is probably as good a place as any to mention that Uncle Grambo of whatevs.org has rushed in to claim the mantle of the late Miss Modern Age. Based as he is in Detroit it will be interesting to see whether or not he’s able to fulfill her duties of what one wag described as 'telling us what’s in the NME this week,' but we wouldn’t bet against him just yet. They’re tough up there in Detroit, where the absence of a professional baseball team forces one to seek out other entertainments.)"

calling it quits

don't fret! your Uncle Grambo isn't calling it quits, uber tennis hottie extraordinaire Anna Kournikova is. thankfully The Sun is there to remind us of her glory days in a spread that's kinda-sorta-not-so-much SFW. if your office runs closer to PG than PG-13, you should check out the outfits that she and Mariah Carey wore at some obscure Euro awards event (what exactly ARE the World Music Awards, anway? i mean other than an opportunity for that Prince Rainier clown to ogle some of the world's hottest babes for a few hours? dude, can't you just pick up a copy of Maxim like the rest of us?). during the course of the evening, Pornikova changed outfits five times (Marizzle came in second with four wardrobe swap-a-roos).

finally, now there's an excuse to begin polishing up my unfinished script for "Monkey Shines 2: Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, See No Evil"! Monkeys Control Robotic Arm With Brain Implants (link courtesy of APLarcadia).

brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Dude, you're blowing up!" Nokia Cites Fake Batteries in Cell Phone Explosions (Seantizz supplied this hottness, obvs).

dude, Lauryn Hill is C-R-A-Z-Y! and i'm not talkin' crazy in love like Beyonce or even "Cryin' Amaza-Crazy" like Aerosmith, i'm talking Crazy Con Carne! there's a piece by Toure in the new Rolling Stone that talks about how far over the edge that this once-promising talent has gone. while I've never been down with her post-Fugees work ("The Miseducation"? no buzz!), it's pretty sad to read about all the shizz that's gone down and how it's driven her insanicus. durst.

it's all making sense to me now. Justin Trousersnake got Wacko Jacko's sloppy seconds (obvs via Beat Royalty).

what a great album...

FOR ME TO POOP ON! CD and DVD in stores on November 4.

to all the blogs i've loved before

whatevs.org would like to thank the good people at Low Culture for reading betwixt the lines. sometimes you sneak stuff into your posts just hoping that one other person will actually GET it, and the good folks over there most certainly do. cheers.

the extremely snark-a-lish folks (folk?) over at TMFTML take the piss out of Miss Modernage's decision to retire. where's The Anti-Blog Blogger when you need him / her / it? blog on blog beef is tru hottness.

happy birthday to the Haypenny crew. belated stizz, obvs. i'm looking forward to meeting this exciting band of literary banditos when Neal Pollack rolls into Ann Arbor on Wednesday night. on a related note, if you're a fan of sports-related blogs (such as The Information Leafblower), you should definitely check out Television Solar System, the product of Haypenny co-editor Sam Forsyth. buzz.

finally, a reason to go to northville downs!

whatevs.org's favorite 7'7" former basketball player, Manute Bol, made headlines earlier this afternoon when it was announced that he's decided to make a venture into the ultra competitive world of horse racing. my close rapport with Manute enabled me to score this world exclusive ... enjoy!

By now you've heard that Manute Bol plans to get into horse racing and yes, its true, Manute Bol will race horses to raise money for my Ring True Foundation (call 866-547-8326 to donate). I figure that if I get the fastest horse and don't fall off, I have a pretty good chance of winning, because the horse knows where its going... you know, around an oval, in Indiana, I'm just along for the ride.

But I am getting a little sick of the "Manute Bol's broke, charity case, whoreing his c-level celebrity for an athletic freak show" story line that accompanies my "work". We all know I'm very tall and very thin. So what? Does anyone really care that I scared the shit out of Patrick Ewing by hiding behind the stripper pole at Scores and then jumping out yelling "BLOCK!" Substitute Charles Barkley for me and a 300 year old oak tree trunk for the stripper pole you'll never hear about it. Tall and skinny, these two facts got my ass out war torn Sudan and into the NBA, WHERE I BLOCKED MORE SHOTS PER MINUTE THAN ANY OTHER PLAYER IN HISTORY -- nuff said.

Plus, I'm not completely broke, I'm not going to be on Cribs, but I do okay. Ice Hockey, beating the crap out of the Fridge, racing horses in some French Lick-esque Indian backwater -- I do this crap to help poor kids in Sudan, so cut me some slack Jack. Anywho, like I said, this horse racing thing looks pretty great, all I have to do is sit there. I figure if this doesn't work, maybe I can get into NASCAR -- if they can move the seat way back, unweld the driver door (I'm 7'7" and have arthritis like a mutha, I ain't gonna pull that General Lee crap) and give me the fastest car I can probably do really well in that too. It can't be any harder than defending a Rick Mahorn ass first post up shot that's for damn sure.
— Manute Bol (10/13/03)

bad idea genes

i don't know why, but i've always found this laughable. call me evil. despite the fact that she's got a mother who is (or at least was) recognized as one of the world's most beautiful women, Alexa Ray Joel crapped out in the gene lottery and ended up being a dead ringer for her father. how pissed would you be?

speaking of bad ideas and genes, i'm not sure there's anything that can top the thought of Rodney Dangerfield being cloned. except maybe "Results May Vary" ...

The Grizz has an article in today's Detroit News about Revolve Magazine, a magazine developed for and marketed to Christian teens. these very fertile grounds for comedy were already trampeled months ago by Paul Fisher in a rant called "Blessed is he whose dick is teased, for he shall inherit the earth."

by now, the entire world realizes that Rush Limbaugh is a hypocrit of almost unimaginable proportions. while you gotta feel for anyone who gets hooked on Oxy or any other drug, I admit that I snickered more than a little when GKVibe revealed this news to me on Friday afternizz. Newsweek comes out swinging in their cover story this week, comparing Rush to "The Wizard Of Oz" ("The man behind the curtain is not the God of Family Values but a childless, twice-divorced, thrice-married schlub"). word em up!

[spoiler buzz ... you might wanna skip if you're a Kevin Smith fan] revealed? reports are breaking that J. Lo dies in the first 15 minutes of "Jersey Girl" and that Miramax has decided that she will not appear in the one-sheets being developed for the movie! that is some hardcore, post "Gigli" backlash buzz.

after some hosting difficulties and the time necessary to make the switch to Movable Type, it's good to see that Ypersound is back up and running. hott.

uh, not quite sure why this headline is relevant to anyone. rest in peace and all that, but seriously, is this a meaningful headline for an obituary? Queensryche Fan Dies After Fulfilling Dream Of Meeting Band. personally, I'd be embarrassed if my obit was boiled down to the fact that I was a Queensryche fan. i mean, i loved "Silent Lucidity" as much as the next guy (but probably not as much as the burnouts did), but I think it's sad that some publicist decided to build some Queensryche buzz by attaching her name to the death of some poor girl. no buzz.

riiight. get this. Brit Brit is "humiliated" by her pictures on the cover of the latest Esquire. er, come again? how does one find themselves posing for pictures with one's pants off in the first place? it's not like she's some flooze tart posing for a local photog hoping to score some short lived buzz as a model for Noir Leather, this is Britney Effin Spears. every move she makes is calculated to build her buzz, so I don't buy this story whatsoevs. no way, no how.

the grambo of liberty

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" — Emma Lazarus (as inscribed on the Statue of Liberty)

For the past 18 hours or so, I've been reflecting on Miss Modernage's decision to withdraw herself from the intense scrutiny of the Blogger Community. I still believe it's a noble decision, as your Uncle Grambo has stared deeply into his own reflection on many occasion and asked himself "Why oh why do I sacrifice my nice, cozy corporate life by secretly posting about celebrity nipples? And why oh why do I risk my friendships debating the worthiness of Stellastarr*? Can't someone, ANYONE help me break these evil chains?" But these episodes of investigative journalism on my own psyche and self-worth are always tempered by the larger questions in life ... for example, what is Britney Spears wearing today? Which is why I'm honoring the memory of The Modern Age by becoming The Grambo of Liberty and shamelessly requesting that the torch be passed in my general direction. hell, I want the attention. i need the attention. i covet the spotlight and will toss anyone out of the way who stands in my path, especially if they're 72 years old! c'mon now, i am BEGGING for your attention! if you ever find yourself ruminating on the origins of low-rider jeans, whatevs.org is the place for you. if you are the type of person who is able to see past the vapid bitchiness of Jessica Simpson because you realize that, after all, she is ridiculously hott, then whatevs.org is the site for you. if you spend time combing Yahoo for nip slips from runway models, then whatevs.org is the site for you. or if you spend time wondering how (and more importantly, WHY) in the world a writer commissioned to review the latest Belle & Sebastian record for the New York Times managed to work in a Laura Bush librarian reset, then whatevs.org is the site for you. tell your friends! tell your neighbors! just don't tell my boss!

i leave you with the following photo taken recently of Britney Spears sucking back a Frappucino in what is likely the most durst outfit of all tizz. all of the points she gets for donning FCUK gear are immediately erased by the fact that said gear is a TRUCKER HAT! honey, it's October 2003! don't you realize how over this fashion trend is? and c'mon, what's with the Von Dutch hoodie. i know that VD is trendy in Los Angeles, but shouldn't you be following the rest of the civilized world and realizing that Los Angeles fashion trends are nothing more than leftover hand-me-downs from NYC? i live in The D and even i realize that! and SERIOUSLY, what is with those shades? i know that attracting paparazzi buzz first thing in the morning on a Starbreezy run probably isn't that fun, but regardless of what time of dizz it is, those shades are WACK! (EDITOR'S NOTE: Or is it "whack"? I've never really been sure). and let me pass along a tip, I know your watching your weight but shmeriously, you gotta hook up a little whipped cream on them Frappacinos ... deLISH.

eff pedro

i've never really been a big BoSox fan. i used to collect Wade Boggs baseball cards when I was in grade school and i always played as the Red Sox in RBI Baseball, but other than that, i don't think i ever really liked that team at all. in addition, I have never been a Pedro Martinez supporter, but i absolutely abhor the dude now. in case you missed it yesterday, Pedro beaned New York Yankee Karim Garcia leading to a bench clearing brawl. during the brawl, 72 year old Yankees coach Don Zimmer ran up to get some words in with the Red Sox pitcher when Pedro decided to toss him to the ground ... what a dick! Zim ended up being carried off in an ambulance for precautionary reasons, but he seems to have made a full recovery, quipping in a press conference that the victory left him feeling "good enough to have a hot dinner." but NYC Mayor Bloomberg doesn't find any of this funny, declaring that "if that happened in New York, we would have arrested (Pedro Martinez)." all i know is that Pedro better watch his back when the series shifts back to New York ... screw the BoSox, go Yankees!

no!

can we have a moment of silence up in this piece? whilst web crawling this afternoon, I rolled over to The Modern Age only to discover that Miss Modernage has ... gasp ... RETIRED!!! like Jim Brown and Barry Sanders before her, MM has decided to go out while at the top of her game. this surprising and shocking decision seems spurred on by her recent nomination as New York City's "Best Scenester" ... looks like being in the spotlight isn't something that appeals to her in any way, shape or form.