don't fear the reaper

the death train hits two three more stops. Robert Palmer. dead. George Plimpton. dead. Plimpton was just representin' at the Lions game this past Sunday! Whitey from "Leave It To Beaver." dead.

Jeffrey Wells is under a review-embargo agreement regarding "Kill Bill", but in today's column over at Moviepoopshoot.com he manages to praise the film while also skirting the embargo. dig.

"I'm under a review-embargo agreement, but have you ever read and heard so much negative stuff about a movie you've started to believe it's your own negative stuff, and on top of this you've allowed your cynicism about the editing and selling of a film to affect your view of what this film may actually turn out to be? But then you finally see the film and you come out staggering and amazed and resolved never to let advance hype affect your expectations again? I'm not referring to anything specific, of course, but you know what I mean.

"Never believe anything you read and only half of what you see. Unless you've just seen a movie that's re-written and re-booted your programming and left you startled and turned around. Hypothetically speaking, that is."

Wendy Case, we missed you so much! you hit the road and quit your job to become a Rock Star and now here you come crawling back to your old job in a freelance capacity to preview this weekend's R.E.M show. too bad you still suck. and don't blame it on the fact that you're a freelancer. The Freep's Christopher Walton isn't a staffer but he managed to score an interview with Michael Stipe, while you got local radio schlub Steve Kostan to comment. And since you evidently have a lot of spare time as a freelance rock and roll star, why didn't you spend a few minutes on Ticketmaster.com researching where the show was being held? Hate to break it to you, but despite the fact that they're both owned by the same management company, The Palace of Auburn Hills is NOT the same as DTE Energy Center. it's called "fact checking", you should try it some time. Case ... so durst.

your Uncle Grambo saw "Underworld" last night and came out with mixed feelings. while the plot was complicated and intriguing (good things) and seeing Kate Beckinsale in head-to-toe rubber bodysuits was a definite plus, it lacked the kind of intangible moments that make a film memorable. but I guess that's neither here nor there, because the producers are gearing up to produce a trilogy.

get ready for a laff riot on next week's MNF. apparently Detroit Lions QB Joey Heisman is an accomplished pianist and will be teaming with John Popper and Jason Mraz on a little ditty. wait wait wait ... shmeriously? wtf!?! and the real kicker is that this trio will be "battling" against a rap duo of the San Diego Chargers' Marcellus Wiley and DMC. uh, come again? what's next, Kurt Warner and The Kings Of Leon?

a hearty congratulations

PREFACE: i normally don't use the space here on whatevs.org for personal shout-outs (birthdays, anniversarys, yada yizz). but since today is such an Epic Day, I will slightly bend the rules...

mad props and congratulatory wishes must be delivered to my boy Peabs for rejoining Corporate America and landing a job with a highly prestigious national advertising agency! eff BI! get your freak on, Peabs!

snl - season 29 REVEALED!

whatevs.org's resident SNL experts, Nummer and the H-Bomb, bring word on the first three episodes of the 29th season of everyone's favourite sketch comedy show. there have been some wild rumours over the course of the last few months (The Rock and Jane's Addiction!), but it looks like we're locked and loaded for the show that premieres in just two weeks time. revealed!

Ep 1 (10/4/03): Jack Black / John Mayer
Ep 2 (10/11/03): Justin Timberlake (host AND musical guest!!!)
Ep 3 (10/18/03): Halle Berry / Britney Spears

While my SNL knowledge pales in comparison to our resident experts, I predict that the guest host for Episode 3 will change. Halle Berry's latest movie, "Gothika", was set to open that weekend and has been pushed back to November 21st. Dave Poland thinks that because of the extreme competition during that timeframe, there's a good chance that it will slide all the way into January. Buzz.

the bachelor

ugh. what has happened to me? up to this point, I have successfully navigated my way through the primetime television schedule without becoming "involved" with any non-Fox or MTV developed reality shows. "for love or money"? skipped it. "extreme makeover"? er, not so much. "big brother"? not since Will won. and the worst offender up to this point has been "The Bachelor" series on ABC. because I'm a pop culture junkie who reads US Weekly religiously, of course I know that Trista is gonna marry Ryan and that Firestone loser picked the girl who wasn't hott. I've heard stories about that Aaron dude, but I don't have a high level of confidence that I could pick him out of a crowd. but it's only by accident that I've ever actually seen either one of these shows, and even then, I'm fairly sure that I flipped when the commercial break loomed. so why am I suddenly so drawn into the merry hijinks of Bachelor Bob?

i'm sure most of the blame can be placed on my brother (aka The Grizz). it's because of him and Pants* that I even know who this dude is. and because The Grizz will be covering the entire season of "The Bachelor" for The Detroit News, I figured that it would be better to drop the stiff resistance to the reality show equivalent of a chick flick and tune in for this season. lo and behold, after a few glasses of wine at Streetside (with Coach Glinka, Malbers and Jillycakes), I sidled home and flipped on the telly. i quickly discovered that my gut instinct about the show was right; despite having a slight buzz going, I honestly had a very hard time making it through the entire show without flipping to the Reds / Cubs game on ESPN.

first of all, can someone explain to me why this Bachelor Bob dude has a nation of women swooning? why is Oprah jocking him so hard? based solely upon what was shown on ABC last night, I think that this Bob dude might be only slightly less overrated than Ray Romano. he's got a sniveling kind of a laugh that instantly got on my nerves, and he came across like a total wuss last night. while I'll concede that having 25 (relatively) good-looking women in hot pursuit of you would probably make me stammer too, this guy didn't really say anything remotely funny or interesting on camera. he earns points for being very nice to his mother, especially because it was painfully clear that he didn't want her there. but other than that, what's the dilly?

perhaps even more depressing were his choices in women. while it was clear as day that he was going to select Kelly Jo from Kalamazoo, it was a little disappointing that she was the "first" one that he gave a rose to (btw, that whole rose giving nonsense is totally gay). i mean come ON, you meet girls like that all the time 'round these parts. in addition, methinks that she's got a bit of psycho in her genes. call it a hunch. and is it just me or is Bob insane for not picking Shae (that hott firefighter chick from GA pictured at rizz) to go onto the next round? from a purely physical standpoint, she stood heads and tails above the rest of those other chicks (especially that one old ass lookin' ho - you're 30 years old? bullSHIT!). add on the fact that she seemed totally charming and oh so very Southern and I think that our boy Bob made a giant mistake. and I was also a big fan of The Virgin, don't quite get why he gave her the boot either. didn't he watch "90210"? granted, David Silver had to put in years of overtime before he and Donna Martin knocked boots, but I remember her being a real wildcat after she finally gave it up. ROAR!

fatherfucker

transcribed below are the lyrics for the opening track on the new Peaches LP, "Fatherfucker", a track entitled "I Don't Give A..." the music is sampled from Joan Jett's classic "Bad Reputation." best one minute and 31 second song of the year, by FAR! and yes, the famed lyric "Are the motherfuckers ready for the fatherfuckers?" appears on the record. so. BEST!

"I Don't Give A..." by Peaches and Joan Jett

yuk yuk yuk

and by "yuk yuk yuk", I really mean "Groan." during a debate yesterday, California gubernatorial candidate Ah-Nuld Schwarzenazi quipped "I just realized that I have a perfect part for you in Terminator 4" after being challenged by Ariana Huffington. are you shmerious? that's worse than my now infamous "Les Paul Darth Maul" post from last week! egads.

dude makes Tupac Shakur look like a slacker! John Ritter to make five posthumous appearances on "Hollywood Squares." face the facts people, Ritter has got more buzz right now than Kutcher did back in the spring!

My hometown. This is my hometown. My hometown. In Royal Oak, Bras Grow On Trees.

This is a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Uncle Grambo. For those of you who risk the occasional "less than sober" drive home from the local watering holes, you betta watch yo' ass. On Tuesday, a new law goes into effect which lowers the BAC level at which people can be convicted of drunken driving from 0.10 to 0.08. Stay in school, say your prayers and don't drink and drive. This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the National Ad Council.

The new Brit Brit video features girls on leashes. giddy up!

who knew? whatevs.org has crossed the bridge from English speaking FOWs to those whose native tongue is Spanish! Can anyone tell me what this means? "Halle Berry morreándose con Fred Durst: para mear y no echar gota. [En la ficción, claro. Si no ya seríaa demasiado...]"

pole vaulting the shark

because the phrase "jumping the shark" doesn't even come close to doing this abomination justice. Ashton Kutcher Punk'd the "Queer Eye" guys at an Emmy pre-party on Sunday. bitch PLEASE!

guess what film the New York Post described as "another arthritic comedy with scratch `20s music on the soundtrack"? i'll give you a hint (as if you need one). it stars Biggs and only made $1.7 mills in weekend B.O.. Biggs ... some say he's the new Carrot Top. still guessing? the answer is "Anything Else", which I guess was the American public's answer to the question of "What would you rather be doing this weekend besides seeing the new Woody Allen movie?"

sorry ya lost! Evil judge strikes down FTC's landmark "Do Not Call" registry.

"Pirates" ... who knew? Depp, Bloom, Knightley and crew passed "The Empire Strikes Back" for 17th place on the all-time list of top BO grossers.

I know that gossiping about Paris Hilton is pretty tired, but she keeps giving us such great ammunition! Sports By Brooks is reporting that she was recently spotted making out with Chicago Bears lineman Brian Urlacher during a Playboy party held at The Palms in Las Vegas. Since The Information Leafblower is on vacation this week, I thought that I would help fill in with some sports-related takes. Hurry back!

conversation starter

you're at your favourite drinking establishment just minding your own business. two hott blonde (or brunette or redhead, it really doesn't matter) identical twins (think Coors Light) walk in the door. one is wearing a tight baby tee that says "Princess." the other is wearing a tight baby tee that says "Goddess." which one do you want to take home? discuss.

separated at birth

there goes my november

November 11, 2003. Mario Party 5. November 17, 2003. Mario Kart: Double Dash. if you're not down with Gamecube, see ya in December.

first kill bill review

"Imagine 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' made by Scorsese during his cocaine phase, and you're halfway there." — Sean O'Hagan, film reviewer for The Observer (London), on Quentin Tarantino's "Kill Bill". the film hasn't been screened for any members of the American press yet, but some lucky British journos got a taste over the weekend. In his review that appeared in Sunday's Observer, O'Hagan is decidedly conflicted. In one breath, he infers that QT has "shot himself in the foot" and in the next he's praising it as "stylistically breathtaking." Either way, your Uncle Grambo is waiting in breathless anticipation for it to be released on October 10. So. Much. Buzz.

Is there anyone out there besides me and the writers at Entertainment Weekly who think that "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" is an enormously enjoyable read? Apparently not. The Klosterman backlash has extended across our nation's borders to the fair city of Toronto, where book critic Tabatha Southey calls it "the patter of a very silly man desperately patrolling the perimeter of Hipsville." ouch (link via the good graces of TMFTML).

Fay Wray. Jessica Lange. Naomi Watts? Peter Jackson wants to cast Naomi Watts as the female lead in his adaptation of "King Kong."

Speaking of gorillas, the inimitable Mrs. Gorilla tipped me off on this months and months ago and the mainstream media is just now catching up. Today's Freep discusses the latest project from controversial artist Tyree Gurton, aptly named "The Penny Project." Turns out that Gurton (who is locally infamous because of his involvement with the polarizing Heidelberg Project) is rebuilding a house in downtown Detroit and covering the exterior with 384,000 pennies. Aptly called "The House That Makes Sense", the house will be reconstructed to be a gallery / workshop for children's art. I say buzz.

Bruce Springsteen's seminal 1974 "Born To Run" album tops Zagat's list of Most Popular Albums ever. the rest of the Top 10 is rounded out with albums from The Beatles, Miles Davis, U2 and Pink Floyd. surprisingly, "Achtung Baby" crept into the Top 10, as did Springsteen's "Darkness On The Edge Of Town." don't get me wrong, both are great albums, but who knew that they would be in the Top 10 Of All-Time?

I hate it when that happens. Student cuts off penis and tongue after drinking hallucenogenic tea. Link courtesy of Big Matt and APLarcadia.

on the quick

Dave Poland was right, "The Rundown" is one of the best action / comedy / fish out of water / buddy movies since "Lethal Weapon" (yeah, that's a lot of genres to mix with in one film but somehow it all works). The Rock proves to be an immensely likeable movie star and Christopher Walken turns in one of his better supporting performances since "True Romance." And who knew that director Peter Berg had this kind of game? Granted, he's nowhere near the greatness of young auteurs like Fincher, Aronofsky or PTA, but I'll take his films over Rob Cohen's ("XXX") or John Singleton's ("Fast And The Furious 2") any day of the week. I'll turn in a 20 Word Review for this and "Lost In Translation" in the next hour or two, promise, but you should go see this movie when it opens on Friday.

Maybe he can get his old job at the Cheese Sandwich factory back. MTV cancels "The New Tom Green Show" after less than three months on the air. I'm still kinda pissed that when Damore and your Uncle Grambo were in New York and scored tix for "The Late Show", we got Tom Green as a guest host instead of Dave. Oh, and btw, "Freddy Got Fingered" is still one of the most underrated flix evs. Obvs (link courtesy of the omnipotent Beat Royalty).

I was the biggest star in the world ... bop, pssst ... worrrld! Happy Belated 83rd Birthday to Andy Rooney. Too bad it was spent (and I shit you not) opening for the Smothers Brothers at the Bloomsburg (PA) Fair Monday night. WORRRRLD!

fake religions

Is anyone else waiting for the suicide bombers to come crawling out of the woodwork? Nice diversity skills, Bushie. Way to call the Muslim faith a "fake religion" on Fox last night. Geez.

funny, this is what I do when I'm depressed too! this weekend, Ben Affleck was spotted at Best Buy and Media Play browsing through DVDs. reports have him buying over 40 DVDs at Media Play. i wonder if he owns "Phantoms"? think he joined the Best Buy Reward Zone? (speaking of which, has anyone received their bonus checks from Besties yet? I've racked up at least 40,000 points and I haven't received anything yet.)

everyone else in the blogosphere has already linked to it, but here it is for the FOWs. "Lost In Translation" translated. from this weekend's New York Times.

Will Bob The Bachelor be the biggest breakout star of the reality tv genre? All signs point to yes. What, with the new television show, the book deal, the swooning girls (not to mention Oprah having your back), life is good for Bachelor Bob. and the best part of all is that he and The Grizz are boys! check out Adam's interview with Bob Guiney in today's Detroit News, as well as his sidebar on why a disproportionate number of reality television "stars" hail from the Midwest.

The new Southfield Public Library looks pretty kickass. Too bad it's in Southfield.

"The nightlife in China is off the hook!" Quentin Tarantino was apparently rolling his balls off during the filming of "Kill Bill" in China, especially when he partied at the Great Wall. we'll know for sure if Uma and Lucy Liu spend extraordinary amounts of time listening to progressive house and rubbing each others' back in the film.

american beauties

reader retort

still catching up on emails (both at work and on my Yahoo account) and determining what content out there is still piping hot. this might take me awhile. thankfully for the FOWs, The Gorilla voluntarily contributed a typically brilliant op-ed to whatevs.org on the state of the troubled National Hockey League. enjoy.

The NHL Is In Big Financial Trouble
by The Gorilla

The Hockey fan in me is really bummed. Clearly they expanded too fast much like the NBA. But Hockey never had a talent drought due to the quick expansion like the NBA initially did—they already had the steady stream of European ex-pats that heated up initially with Peter Klima and carries on right to today. It’s a global recruiting lesson the NBA’s just discovering. The players are highly paid, which like any sport is both a blessing and a curse—they deserve a chance at the spoils, but the spoils are clearly drying up.

The biggest bummer of all is the US dollar’s relative long term strength against the Canadian dollar is killing great teams like the Senators and dynastic masters like the Canadians. Can one really imagine the Yankees or Cowboys seriously drying up? Canadian teams built the league in the ‘50s and ‘60s when payrolls were lower and the Canadian dollar actually was stronger than the US currency. I’m not sure what the solution is except, to drop salaries, install some sort of NFL style salary cap (the only one that seem to work very well in sports to me) and possibly just screw the rules that have all but eliminated fighting for the shear exploitation factor of it – even though those rules have speed up the games, the real action, scoring and made for a lot better hockey in my opinion.

Now for the real marketing pimp stuff. Really I think two teams could solve a big part of this problem—Chicago and NY (I know real NY hockey fans root for the Devils, but work with me here). They’re huge markets and they’ve got real, honest NHL pedigree and heritage—they’re good hockey towns. Those are the kinds of teams middle America can get behind (sorry, America just isn’t interested enough in Detroit for it work only from here). If those teams could win and at least get to the competitive level of hockey Mecca Toronto, this problem would be a lot simpler just from the increased TV revenue for the league as whole. Detroit and Colorado are great, but good teams in Phoenix, Florida or Carolina are frankly uninteresting to hockey hot beds in the Midwest, Canada and New England.

I know it’s just a jersey, but it has a huge psychological effect—the brands, the fans, the loyalty, the sheer awareness just isn’t there yet. Look at this year’s cup? First who played in it? How many games did you watch? Could you give a shit? You don’t and the average FOW has probably watched more hockey than most. So basically, I’m advocating cheating to save the league, just like when the NBA restructured their labor agreement and Shaq got to pick the coolest brand/team/market in the NBA to associate himself with. Let the new teams suffer and steal their good players, or pull a scam where they close down and the owner who’s built a good program down south buy a real team in NY or Chicago. It’s Machiavellian, evil and against everything good and competitive about sports and it sacrifices the future hockey dynasties to save the current ones, but also the whole league… maybe.

computer woes

dearest FOWs - apologies for the lack of updates yesterdizz. i played hooky and had difficulties with my internet connection at home (by "difficulties", i mean "i slept all day"). i did write a review of the Springsteen show, but it's on my lappy at home. hopefully I'll be able to get it posted this evening, but in the meantime check out The Grizz's excellent review from yesterday's DetNews and the setlist.

Bruce Springsteen and The E-Street Band
Sunday, September 21, 2003
Comerica Park (Detroit, MI)

Souls of the Departed / The Rising / Lonesome Day / Night / Empty Sky / You're Missing / Waitin' on a Sunny Day / The Promised Land / Local Hero / Because the Night / Badlands / No Surrender / Mary's Place / Dancing In The Streets / Jungleland / Into the Fire / My Beautiful Reward
First Encore: Bobby Jean / Heat Wave (with Martha Reeves) / Glory Days / I'm Goin' Down / Born to Run / Seven Nights to Rock
Second Encore: My City of Ruins / Land of Hope and Dreams / People Get Ready / Rosalita / Dancing in the Dark