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Friday, March 28, 2003  

severely hung ovs

a quick rundown of my alcohol intake yesterday. it all began with bowling at Thunderbird Lanes (i bowled 135, 171 and 115) and moved onto Dick O'Dow's and 220 in Birmingham. oh. my. aching. head.

  • Five (5) White Russians

  • Two (2) bottles of Molson Canadian

  • Five (5) pints of Guinness

  • Three (3) Red Headed Sluts

  • Two (2) Amstel Lights

i rolled outta the rack this morning with the motor skills of an 84 year old man. my dexterity is comparable to Betty White. probably worse. i'm gonna run out for lunch, hopefully I'll be able to represent a little better with some grub in my tummy tum tum. out.

posted by uncle grambo |
Thursday, March 27, 2003  

good song, bad picture

is it just me or is that new Lisa Marie Presley song kinda tatts? i like it more and more with each time that i hear it. too bad the album's still a "must-miss." no buzz.

lights out on lisa marie

posted by uncle grambo |

finally, something to protest!

i know that most of you were probably shocked that whatevs.org featured no recaps of Sunday night's Academy Awards presentation (other than a random Babs quote and sordid photos of the Farrell / Vardalos tryst). the truth of the matter is that I'm megapissed in the way that Hollywood sold the fuck out by pretending that their annual circle jerk was somehow done more tastefully this year. you have GOT to be effing kidding me. if there's one thing that we know about actors it's that they HATE THE PRESS! this whole war thing gave them a convenient excuse to ditch all of the pre-show interviews and posing for the papparazzi and allowed them to walk right into the theatre! and because only Zellweggs wore red it meant that the stars had Iraq in their thoughts? bullshit. i say you call a spade a spade. if you're going to hold the Oscars (and I fully backed the whole "show must go on" mentality), why pretend that it's meaningful as anything other than a boost to the careers of those who are nominated? party your asses off and live it up, you hypoclits! (yes, i know I just said "hypoclit" instead of "hypocrit" ... it's far nastier)

anysluts, an Associated Press story I found on the wire this morning set off a lightbulb in my head. i discovered a way that Hollywood can redeem themselves in all of our eyes! when I read that a movie called "Tanfan" will open up the Cannes Film Festival on May 14th, i thought "SHAZAM!" that's it! shit, since we've been encouraged to boycott all French products and start calling french fries "freedom fries", I figure that boycotting the Cannes Film Festival is only natural. as JP McKrengels has documented for us time and time again here on whatevs.org, The French are nothing but a bunch of good fer nuthin cheese eatin surrender monkeys. and if our actors are truly in support of the United States and willing to put their money where their mouths are, they should consider a full-on snub of the Galls. but I'll guarantee you right now that no directors or producers would be willing to risk the international financing and distribution deals that are struck during this week, just as the actors wouldn't even think of losing the opportunity to promote themselves overseas. but isn't it a great idea? boycotting Cannes in 2003 is the best idea that anyone has ever had. who's in?!?

posted by uncle grambo |

random thoughts whilst watching TV this morning

No Doubt, "Running" on VH-1 @ 08:41 EST — god, gwen stefani just keeps getting better and better looking with every passing day! is she the sweetest thing or what? i'm hungry. i could use some coffee. or maybe just some 'pheds. hmm, fourth video from "rock steady." doesn't "hey baby" seem like it was released YEARS ago? how best evs is chauncey muthaphukkin' billups? so clutch. i wonder what's on MTV2...

Foo Fighters, "Times Like These" on MTV2 @ 08:44 EST — i should write this down. gotta find a download on Soulseek of this performance from SNL. so awesome. Foos. so many hits! rawk stars really don't come much cooler than Dave Grohl. is this a song for our times or what? ignore everything he says outside of the chorus: "it's times like these you learn to live again / it's times like these you give and give again / it's times like these you learn to love again / it's times like these time and time again." could these lyrics BE any more poignant for a country at war? i know that's not the intended gist of the song at all, but I can see this becoming a theme song for the conflict. how am I going to steal that tank in "Vice City"? wonder why i'm not hearing this song on Detroit radio stations other than WRIF? do teens like The Foos? what times to the games start tonight? i wonder what's on VH-1...

Pink, "Family Affair" on VH-1 @ 08:49 EST — what happened to Pink? this song is just so god damn unlistenable! no chorus, no hook, just Pink looking ugly as shite and complaining about her shitty childhood. this song is just begging to be an Australian b-side, how did it make this album? every other single has been so explodingly catchy with hooks that grab you and refuse to let go. shit, how much longer am I going to have to deal with this song? it feels like it's been on the charts for months. what's on MTV?

Aaliyah, "Miss You" on MTV @ 8:52 EST — this video is gonna test my hip-hop cultural awareness. ok, there's DMX, there's Missy, wait ... who's that? and that? and that? that BETTER not be Ginuwine! how'd he climb into this prestigious ranks of the hip-hop elite? i wonder if Aaliyah had any white friends. i miss Aaliyah. god, how hot was that Timbaland sample of that baby crying in "Are You That Somebody?" who's better, Missy + Timbo or Aaliyah + Timbo? i gotta go with Aaliyah. just how on God's green earth did Julia DeMato make it this far on American Idol? she's WORST! in fact, they're all worst. god, can't wait for "The Matrix: Revolutions." shite, gotta get to work!

posted by uncle grambo |
Wednesday, March 26, 2003  

coleman young — officially worst evs

as if it weren't already cemented in the history books, there is BREAKING NEWS this evening that further tarnishes the legacy of the Worst Mayor of all-time (the runner-up is obvs John Mayer!). if you thought that the whole krugerrand controversy of the mid-`80s stunk to the high heavens, that's nothing compared to tonight's AP reports that Coleman Young presented Saddam Hussein with the Key to the City of Detroit back in the early 1980s. let's hope that Kwame changed the locks! d'oh!

posted by uncle grambo |

big fizz greek mizzbig fat irish wedding

our boy, the Lusty Leprechaun, was spotted at the Vanity Fair Oscar party flirting shamelessly with Vardalos. who's he gonna bang next? now taking bets!

posted by uncle grambo |

hilariously wurst

a headline from MTV.com reads as follows: War Inspires Jewel To Go Electronic On Next LP. hmmm. wonder what it's going to sound like? Jewel says, "You have folk melodies against hip-hop beats against a French accordion against hand clapping and whistling solos..." wait wait wait a second. shmeriously? did I stumble upon a mock interview from The Onion? nope, this is fo' real, yo. Jewel. despite having some of the best tatts on record, she can't help but being Durst evs.

posted by uncle grambo |

so much buzzfive star elephant review

since 1989, Rolling Stone has only awarded 40 albums with its coveted Five Star review. almost all of these five star reviews are reserved for re-issues of classic albums (Hendrix's "Are You Experienced?", Pavement's "Slanted & Enchanted - Luxe & Deluxe") or box sets (the VU's "Peel Slowly and See", "Nuggets"). and while the Five Star review got forever sullied by honoring Mick Jagger's abominable "Goddess In The Doorway" with a perfect rating (and saluting Beck's über-boring, shitbox-worthy "Sea Change" doesn't help), the simple fact is that a Five Star review from Rolling Stone is equivalent to legendary film critic Pauline Kael unabashedly praising a film -- it just doesn't happen that often. which is why David Fricke's Five Star review of The White Stripes' "Elephant" is so amazing. here are some choice quotes from his review of the album that streets next Tuesday, April 1:

"Outfitted with an eight-track tape machine and recording gear that predates The Beatles, the Detroit duo walked out with a work of pulverizing perfection."

"ELEPHANT marks the crossroads where that idealism collides with the swagger and snort of Led Zeppelin's PHYSICAL GRAFFITI and NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS, HERE'S THE SEX PISTOLS."

"On ELEPHANT, Jack White exceeds the plantation holler of 2000's DE STIJL and 2001's WHITE BLOOD CELLS with blues that both pop and bleed."

"(Drummer Meg White) swings -- rough yet hard, underlining Jack's guitars and vocals with the boom of the late John Bonham and the limber time of a juke-joint thumper."

okay, so maybe Fricke goes a little over the top by comparing Meg Whizz to John Bonham. i'll give you that. but if you're one of the lucky ones who has already heard the entire album, you'll know that Fricke's Five Star praise of "Elephant" is justified. obvs, a purchase next Tuesday is essential.

(btw, i'm putting the odds on a Top 10 entrance on the Billboard charts at 20:1, as there is no advance radio or video buzz for this album that would make anyone other than FOWs or Hipsters buy this record.)

posted by uncle grambo |

grizz redeemed

after yesterday's debaucle of worst, The Grizz fully redeems himself in today's DetNews with a spring/summer preview of pop culture goodness. from Movement 2003 (aka DEMF) to "Harry Pizz", from "The Matrix Reloaded" to the new Madonna album, spring 2K3 has got a multitude of tigsosity lined up for us Metro Detroiters. if you're like me and have been waiting for a list of key entertainment dates that takes you through to the end of the second fiscal quarter, look no further. and in what can only be perceived as a silent tribute to his big brother, The Grizz lists the release date of the new Liz Phair album (more on this later today) on his calendar of relevant milestones. props!

posted by uncle grambo |
Tuesday, March 25, 2003  

celebrity lookalikes part deux!

brennan krengel (little sib of JP McKrengels!) and David Copperfield!

don't call me JPwhere's claudia?

posted by uncle grambo |

in happier timesa brother's betrayal

imagine that you are a writer for a local newspaper. say, i don't know, The Detroit News. perhaps one day your editor approaches you and wants to you do a story on this hot new trend called "weblogs" (blogs for short). now, if you're still with me at this point, say that you've got a brother who's got what is arguably the coolest blog in the universe, chock full of piping hot content for sexy bodies everywhere. if you were the writer for this fictional newspaper, would you interview your brother and give him some promotion? or maybe would you turn down the story and pass it along to a cohort would could extoll the virtues of said weblog without any nepotistic buzz being inferred? of course you would, because you are a Loyal FOW with oodles and oodles of Singapore noodles. buzz would be bestowed upon both parties as an IPO would soon be filed and a second Dot Com Revolution would be born. everything would be supremely tatts boombalatts for your family, as you usurp the Williams Sisters for most talented sibling combo evs. imagine the hottness!

but alas, my dear FOWs, this little imaginary scenario actually occured today. unfortch for your Uncle Grambo, the writer of this story was The Grizz and whatevs.org got no love from The DetNews! there hasn't been a brother betrayal this bad since Brad Pitt made sweet, sweet love to Julia Ormond behind Aidan Quinn's back in "Legends Of The Fizz"! frankly, it tore their family apart and only G-O-D knows what it will do to ours. while I will offer no predictions on the future fate of Benedict Grizz, I will promise you that I will rise above this dubious snub and use it as motivation in my locker room of obvs!

if you're interested in the article, you can click through to "Diary Of An Internet User". schmoggles!

posted by uncle grambo |

celebrity look alikes

adrien brody and camel joe!

adrien brodyjoey camel

posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, March 24, 2003  

corporate life

does anyone ever wonder how people in Human Resources spend their days? look no further than the following masterpiece that just showed up in my inbox. priceless.

posted by uncle grambo |

booked solid

my Outlook calendar has not been friendly to me on this lovely Monday morning. i've got a brief respite here for five or six minutes before my next meeting, then I'm stuck in conference rooms until 4pm this afternoon. so, in the interim, why don't you check out the newly redesigned Glamorama and throw props to Kegzies on a job well done? or, if you prefer to get your indie swerve on, check out The Grizz's review of the new Stephen Malkmus album. until we meet again ...

posted by uncle grambo |
"I started out with a lot of Audioslave or anything Chris Cornell -- it helped with the aggression. And Chris Webber from the [Sacramento] Kings. There's a real sweetness behind his eyes, but he's pissed off."
Brad Pitt on the sources of inspiration for his character in "Troy"
be like mark

loretta lynn - van lear rose


king of new york (special edition)


john kennedy toole - a confederacy of dunces

adventures w/disposable income
date: 5.8.04
source: CVS
amount: $19.48
(1) liter of Captain's
(2) liters of DC w/lime
(1) mother's day card

snl season 29
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
may 10: the strokes @ state theatre
may 15: cardigans @ magic stick
may 17: softball league @ 8:30pm
may 17: last tourist @ small's (10pm)
may 24: softball league @ 6:10pm
may 27: sea ray / stills @ st. andrews
june 6: dido @ fox theater
june 7: softball league @ 7:20pm
june 14: softball @ 6:10pm
june 19: jessica's graduation party
june 21: softball @ 8:30pm
june 28: softball @ 6:10pm
july 3 - july 11: vacation @ TBD
july 12: softball @ 7:20pm
july 19: softball @ 7:20pm
july 26: softball @ 9:40pm
august 2: softball @ 7:20pm
august 14: nuptial buzz w/c friggs + lescal!!!
october 23: nuptial buzz w/the grizz + mandypants!!!
twenty word reviews
van helsing
walking tall
scooby doo 2: monsters unleashed
dawn of the dead
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
starsky & hutch
girl next door
re-imagines "Risky Business" with Vivid Girls instead of prostitutes; marks Elisha Cuthbert's arrival as an alluring, big screen sex symbol.
Despite the best efforts of TrachtenBest, suffers greatly from a lack of forward momentum (scriptwise) and some remarkably bland casting
along came polly
aside from Philip Seymour Best Ever's performance ("RAIN DANCE!"), I vastly preferred this when it was called "Dharma And Greg."
search THIS!

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