No Buzz List — 9/17/04

While your Uncle Grambo is maxxxing and relaxxxing in the sunny state of California for the weekend (and by "sunny", i REALLY mean "it's pretty overcast here today"), I put out the call to the always reliable and always bitter Damore to put together another one of his trademarked No Buzz lists. And whaddaya know, the kid still has it. If seeing this much vitriol plastered all over your computer screen doesn't make you laugh, you just might be the one with No Buzz. Damore ... some say the most underrated blogger evs. Most concur he's the most missed. Bovs.

Unless you happen to be in California this weekend, I'll see you FOWs on Monday. Wurd. HOLLA!

NO BUZZ LIST — 9/17/04
by Damore

5) NOTRE DAME — so the irish pulled a rabbit out of their asses last week against u-m. lah-ti-fricken-dah. reality tv has zero buzz, & saturday night espn will broadcast the first live televised abortion showcasing the spartans of michigan state aborting the fetus better known as rudy hunchback. i'll be at the game laughing at the arrogant irish handjobs getting blown out by clifford DUKES & co. everyone knows notre dame hasn't had any buzz since tony rice.

4) NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE — so you're the sport most likely to be forgotten over the summer. what do you do as the season is set to launch? fail to reach a labor agreement that will likely result in at least the 1st half of the season being axed. as an upper-lower class individual, i really feel badly for the players, the owners, & their families. the average nhl player only makes $1.8 million per season. how will they afford to keep warm this winter? probably start shoveling piles of dollar bills into the 5 fireplaces in their 25 room mansions. while almost no team owner makes any money off their club operations, i'm sure they're not starving to death either. hockey is very replaceable. there's college & pro football, baseball, the nba & college basketball. poker is even bigger than hockey now. face it nhl, you're a sexxed up version of soccer, the uglier fatter twin (like danny baldwin!) of pro sports. so many 1-1 ties. all i ask is that i don't see chris cheliblos getting retarded drunk at the town pump w/ kid rock during the lock-out. no buzz.

3) JASON KIDD — rumor has it he will be traded to the portland trailblazers. the deal is reportedly stalled until he meets their arrest quota & is booked & charged w/ 6 more felonies. bonus points for repeat offenses, so he's likely to throw on some vintage retro wife beaters & go jumanji on jumanji w/ two wiffleball bats, darth maul stizz. kidd getting kicked off the blazers would be like the case of steven adler getting tossed from gnr for drug abuse--puzzling. you'll be safe there my friend. remember: stay away from the face, she's still looking for the abc MNF gig. seriously, any other week, nothing has less buzz than domestic violence.

2) "SKY CAPTAIN ... AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW" — could the title be any longer? i stopped reading after the words "sky captain". it's got angelina jolie, so there's a 50/50 chance of her tees being revealed? nope, it's rated pg. one of the rare crappy movies she's been fully clothed in the entire time (gone in 60...). then there's gwyneth paltrow, who's nice to look at, but hasn't been the same since her 3 hour tear-filled oscar acceptance speech for "shakespeare in love". throw in her "make handjobs fair" husband, a fruity newborn, & there's as much buzz as farrah fawcett has going these days. for the ladies there's jude law, who is obviously going after the cal ripken 'ironman' streak of consecutive shitty movies, held by charlie sheen. thank god he made "the second arrival".

i love the tv teasers featuring the line "if you don't like this, you don't like movies". i'm hoping that in 10 days it will change to something like "if you sat through more than 10 minutes of this, you like shitty movies". unfortunately "the world of tomorrow" looks alot like "the day after tomorrow". i can concisely review this movie w/out even having seen it: IT SUCKED. the clincher: whatevsdotorg says it has "mad buzz"---from the madison ave fat cats who enjoyed classics such as "willard", "master of disguise", & every vincent gallo flick!

1) FOX NETWORK — i remember may 20th, 2004AD very well. i was on edge awaiting the fate of the cult phenom show "Tru Calling". it was renewed for a 2nd season & fox president gail berman said the show had built up its fan-base enough (5.5 million viewers) to warrant a soph encore, & they were going to be patient post-"friends" era. i couldn't be happier. well wtf happened the past 4 months to change that? apparently the same douchebags in-charge of rubber-stamping annual renewals & long-term contracts for the back alley abortions better known as "king of the hill", "oliver beene" & "malcolm in the middle" assumed responsibility for "Tru Calling". god forbid they renew the greatest tv show ever. so impressed were they by the "The OC" wannabe show "North Shore" that it's hi-jacked the coveted 9pm timeslot on thursdays that "Tru" was slated for.

The Freep Puts Me To Sleep

You know, I kind of expected it from The New York Times. I mean, come ON, it's the "Paper of Record" and all, not to mention the fact that your Uncle Grambo resides in The D™. But when the god damn Detroit Fucking Free Press names the "Best Bloggers Of Michigan" and snubs whatevs.org, that's when I reach for my revolver (proverbially speaking, of course, everyone knows that Grambo despises firearms). I mean, come ON now Mike Wendland ... what's your beef with Uncle Grambo? Come on, at least give me a hint. Professional jealousy? Ignorance? Some say ignorance is bliss, I say its got no buzz. Do your research, yo, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A REPORTER! Stop doling out handjobs to douchebags from Franz Ferdistan who suck up to you with praise-filled emails and start giving kudos to those who deserve it. Namely me, you effin' tourist! Hey Mike Wendland, SUCK IT!

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Thanks for bearing with, now on with the PHC. After months of negotiations, it looks like Lorne Michaels has failed in his attempt to get Bill Clinton to host the season premiere of "Saturday Night Live." Instead, the assignment will go to Ben Affleck. Will current squeeze J. Garner be revealed in a special guest capacity? DEVELOPING!

Hott local band buzz. If you don't have any plans tomorrow nizz (9/17/04), you should definitely hit up the Berkley Front to check out Hoss Burley. The band is fronted by the highly controversial Rod "Pistolfist" Giannova, perhaps best known for brandishing a dildo during a stand-up routine at the Front last month. Some say must-see. Also, reserve some time on your calendars on Thursday, September 23rd for the long awaited return of The Prime Ministers. Everyone's favourite local power pop trio is returning to the familiar confines of Small's after a brief hiatus in which the band lost their drummer (again!) and, more importantly, gained at least one new fan. Congrats to Todd and Kristin on the birth of their baby girl, Marigold! HOTT!

Nick Nolte is off the wagon again, spotted sipping a hidden beer through a straw during one of his screenings at the TIFF.

First it was Austin Powers, now it's Dr. Dre. Who's gonna collaborate with Burt Bacharach next? I'm betting either Gary Sinise or Ashley Blue.

Congrats go out to Ultragrrrl for breaking the news of Avril Lavigne's engagement to SumYumGuy 41 frontdouche Deryck Whibley way back on Saturday. It wasn't until Monday that the first reliable news outlet officially reported the news. And if you're curious, the answer is "Yes", I did just use the word "reliable" in reference to The Sun. Shmears! Memo to Avril: Next time Maxim asks you to pose for their magazine, try taking off some clothes! Look what it did for Michelle Branch, yo. Oh yeah, that's right, it pretty much signaled the end of Branch's career. Maybs April Avril made a good decision after all.

While we're on the topic of Teen Queens, it's probably important to note that Nicky Hilton is already on DivorceWatch™ and that there's a feud brewing that's gonna make 2Pac vs. Biggie look like The Hamburgalar vs. Mayor McCheese. That's right, Fez Valderrama and MTV veejay Damien are trading blows in the press over Her Royal Thighness, Miss Lindsay Lohan. Watch for these two effeminate cornholios to get into a hair pulling match (or something equally durst) the next time they have one too many Shirley Temples. DEVELOPING!

The new Verve single off their forthcoming "This Is Music: The Singles 92-98" collection is quite possibly the worst thing the band ever committed to record. Still, your Uncle will be first in line for that DVD hittins. [via Info Leafblower]

Peabs is back ... sorta. While everyone's favourite drug addicted politician (sorry Teddy Kennedy) is still on hiatus, recent retireeSo Says I managed to grab the reins of SSTP and provide everyone with a Peabs update. Hint: it involves "tribal trannies" and Ralph Nader.

I Wanna Be The Girl With The Most Cake

You know the old expression, "politics makes for strange bedfellows"? Well, substitute "The World Music Awards" for politics and "fucked up" for strange and you'll have only applicable way to describe the sight of Courtney Hole and Celine Dion appearing in the same photo together. What the FOOK, man? In one of her first public sightings in months, Courtney seems to have undergone more cosmetic renovations than The Statue Of Liberty. She's clearly been nipped, tucked, stretched, pulled and Botoxed all over the plizz. But guess what? She looks better than evs! Although someone's gotta advise her that the baby doll look went out of fashion around the time that she made the "Miss World" video, your Uncle Grambo applauds almost every instance of gratuitous plastic surgery. Is it time for a Courtney comeback? DEVELOPING!

Ruben Studdard, the heftily floptastic "American Idol" winner, has finally decided that he needs to lose some LBs. Good decision, but your Uncle Grambo can only hope that Kelly Clarkson's management team also reads this press release. My girl Kells has been getting a little chunky monkey in the last few weeks. Girl be THICKER than Aunt Jemima's syrup, yo.

My man Malbersblows is gonna slaughter me for saying this, but Katie Holmes seems to be losing more and more buzz with every passing day. Aside from the fact that she's dating Chris Klein, she's been looking a little doughy of late. And those well documented stretch marks don't exactly bode well for a girl who's only 25 years old. My advice? Start by laying off those frappucinos, yo. [Stretch marks revelations courtesy of F.U.B.A.R., obvs]

Also looking a little nast these days is The Gawky Bird. Someone needs to clue her in that wearing that much makeup makes her look more like Trannie than Gwynnie. Regardless, I say "Sky Captain" has ridiculous buzz.

Great article in the New York Times on the renovations being made by GM to Detroit's Renaissance Center. Positive buzz for Detroit? Some say unheard of.

Despite the proclamations from Reuters that "slutwear" is so last year, your Uncle Grambo hopes that it's here to stay. Nothing hotter than hipsters sporting thong tha-thong thong thongs, even in ironic jest. But then again, I also heart bodysuits, 1992 stizz. BUZZLES!

Is Beyonce hiding a secret love child she had in her teens? She sure as shinola looks preggers in this photo, dude. Speaking of B, have you HEARD the new Destiny's Child jawn? Nick Catchdubs has the MP3 and a top-notch description: "New Destiny's Child is bananas ... Unexpected Rodney Jerkins drumline heatrock, with little 303 acid bassline swells throughout; way too polished, natch, but DUMB HOT." I'm in total agreeance with his `scrip, that shit be BANANAZ! Song of the year?

Best commercial ever? I haven't watched it yet, but any spot described as "a creepy tale of ecstacy and unprotected sex" sounds best to me! Ad Age's description also includes the phrase "creepy biological light show bursting with disease organisms" ... HOTT! Throw on a little Oaken-Untz and you've got your typical Friday night at Sig Vills, circa 2000. Shmears. [Reg req'd]

Breaking The Girl

"Tru Calling" (2003-2004): Rest In Peace, Yo. The Hollywood Reporter (via Sci-Fi Wire) is reporting that the second season of Eliza Dushku's supernatural serial has been usurped by the real AND spectacular rack of Brooke Burns. Originally scheduled to launch on November 4th, Fox execs have announced that "North Shore" will replace "Tru Calling" as the follow-up to "The O.C." on Thursday nights, relegating Damore's raison d'etre to mid-season replacement status.

For those of you concerned about the well-being of Damore, have no fear. We have made contact with everyone's favorite bitter ex-blogger; he is handling the difficult news about as well as could be expected. Your Uncle Grambo will continue to monitor this situation as it develops, but one thing is certain. I have commissioned Damizz to author another one of his patented "No Buzz" lists this week and you can bet yo ASS that the vitriol contained within will be unlike anything the world has ever witnessed. Look for it on Friday, natch.

Rock And Roll Hootchie Coo

U2, Grandmaster Flash and The Pretenders lead the list of this year's nominees to the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame. I have no problem with ANY of the above three artists getting inducted, but if Randy Freaking Newman makes the cut, heads just might have to roll. Remember that episode of "The Family Guy" where Randy Newman was the only thing left after the nuclear apocalypse? Pretty much the only good thing that can be associated with that overrated douchebag (apologies to Connie NYC!). And I'm in full agreeance (Durst stizz) with Motor City Rocks, it's a crime that Mitch Ryder isn't on the ballot. [via The Gorilla]

Hey folks over at The Smoking Gun, do you take requests? Can't someone on your staff dig up the birth certificate of Pamela from "The Apprentice"? On her official site bio, she claims to be 32 years old. Blogga PLEASE! That hard ass bitch is at LEAST 35 years old, yo. On a related note, who knew that Donald Trump's show was actually GOOD? I avoided last year's run at all costs, I could give two shatts about Omarosa or whatever that slizzo's name is. But as I sat alone on my couch getting drunk to curb the depression of getting smoked by Notre Dame on Saturday night, I caught a repeat of the Season 2 premiere and was totally impressed. Even though the LAST thing I need is to get sucked into watching another reality show, methinks that every Thursday night for the next few months will be spent keeping up with The Trumpster.

Barry Manilow. He writes the songs that makes the young girls cry. He also has a D that makes the young girls boys gag (allegedly). Word also has it that in the 69 his humpty nose will tickle your rear. Robvs.

If there's one lesson that I've learned on my thirty years on Planet Earth, it's that chicks dig Oprah. All of the ladiez in our office were buzzing yesterday when Harpo gave away 267 cars to her studio audience. While the good folks at Pontiac are keeping their fingers crossed that yesterday's big splash results in people rushing to the showrooms to test drive the new G6, your Uncle Grambo is more focused on why no local journos broke this story in advance. I mean come ON, Oprah made a visit to GM's Orion Township plant less than two weeks ago, where she reportedly walked along the assembly line and watched Pontiac G6 sedans being built. Shouldn't someone at The Snooze or The Freep been able to put two and two together?

Mmmmmm ... Dushku in a Dushkini. Tasty buzz. Somebody be sure to check on Damore, heart palpitations are guaranteed to be revealed.

They call him Mr. Glass. If M. Daytime Shamalamadingdong ever decides to film a sequel to "Unbreakable", your Uncle Grambo has a PERFECT person to cast in Samuel L. Jackson's role: Detroit Lions WR Chuckie Rogers! The former Sparty superstar is out for the season after breaking his collarbone (again!) in Sunday's victory over Da Bears. As much as I like Circus Kircus, he's no replacement for Charles ... this one's gonna hurt The Lie-Downs big time.

Worst. Worster. Worstest!

Speaking of worst, let's focus on Hollywood for a second. It looks awfully official this morning that Sony has indeed purchased MGM. Way to go MGM, real nice of you to leak the news to the press without telling your employees first! But then again, should we really expect more out of Hollywurst? Nope, I didn't think so. No buzz for The Lion, yo.

Hey, I got an idea that's sure to save the NHL from its impending strike ... take a cue from the MLB's Texas Rangers organization and hurl a metal folding chair into a group of fans! If there's one thing that people who shell out $100+ for front row seats at a sporting event enjoy, it's ending up in the emergency room after a psycho millionaire relief pitcher throws a large metallic object in your general direction! Where's Goose Gossage when you need him?

Chocolate Covered Bynes

Okay, fess up. Which one of you FOWs has managed to build a replica of Krank's dream-stealing machine from "La Cité Des Enfants Perdus" (aka "The City Of Lost Children")? And more importantly, aren't there better people to use it on than your Uncle Grambo? After seeing stills of a chocolate covered Bynes hit The Internerd this weekend, I am QUITE curious to see what other innovative and genius ideas of mine have been lifted by this unscrupulous dream pilferer. If any future plotlines of "What I Like About You" involve Strip Jenga or Bynes being cloned "Multiplicity" stizz and modeling in a Victoria's Secret fashion show, I'll know for sure that I should be getting comped by The WB. Bovs. [thanks to Robair of AmandaBynesNow.com for passing along the photo]

Further proof that someone has been raiding my brain, "Dreamscape" stizz ... Denise Richards to get NEWD in December's Playboy. Hopefully, this pictorial will answer one of the questions that has plagued our society since the early `80s: Do fake boobs get bigger after a pregnancy?

Ever since its debut back in the late `90s, I've been a fan of David Pogue's weekly "Circuits" column in the NYT. While I have always found his work to be entertaining and energetic, it wasn't until last week's piece that your Uncle Grambo realized he's a closet pornographer! Check out this tip on how to get the most out of your digital camera: "* The tripod mount on the bottom of most digital cameras has exactly the same thread diameter as a typical hotel lampshade post. In a pinch, you can unscrew the lampshade and use the exposed screw on the lamp itself to steady your camera." Uh, pardon me David, but how often exactly DO you require the use of a tripod in a hotel room? Some say even kinkier than Kinky Friedman!

Rumour mill. Has David "Bananaz" Boreanz been cast alongside Harrison Ford in "Indiana Jones 4"? Did Kevin Spacey use spray-on hair to cover up his bald spot at the Toronto Film Festival? Did Time Warner drop out of the bidding for MGM because Sony already bought them? Has the thong slipped through the cracks of the fashion world? As always, DEVELOPING!!!

While it's obvs that Video Killed The Radio Star, what this article presupposes is that Cell Phones Killed The Horror Film. I say buzz. [via The Grizz]