Bitchiest

Let us all pause and applaud Gwyneth Paltrow, who will bravely volunteer not to add to her huge pile of money for as many as twelve months for the benefit of her baby, who is apparently still named "Apple." It really makes my heart soar when I hear of the family values of celebrities who caringly push aside a few weeks of filming time to hire a nanny. (Full discretion: I was taken care of by an au pair for my first year, which explains my bad attitude.)

My favorite F-O-D gazes into his bustup ball and sees...Nick and Jessica? (scroll down.) Say it isn't so Ted! But he knows what he's talking about. I'm not a huge fan of Jessica (other than her nose) or "Newlyweds," but I would be sad to see them break up. Just like I was for Kirsten n' Jake and Uma n' Ethan. I'm not sure why but some couples I care about (David and Iman, Tea and David--I think I like Nick because he reminds me of a young Fox Mulder, come to think of it) and others can go to hell (ay). PS, Reese & Ryan and Will & Jada, I see you.

"Shark Tale" vs. "Finding Nemo"=the new "Antz" vs. "A Bug's Life"?

Gwen Stefani, one of my girl-crushes, is finally going it alone, but I hope it's not the end of No Doubt, at least for the boys' sake. They are all cute. Well, at least Tony and the drummer are, anyway.

Unlike most celebrities, Naomi Campbell was not "forced" to do whatever cocaine substance she and Bobby Brown were or were not doing at some point at an undisclosed time and location on planet earth (maybe).

And who is this asshole? Oh wait, that's me. And this is my last post. Thank you to everyone for the props and for reading and most especially to Grambo for asking me to fill in for him. Catch you on the flipside, dudemeister. Not.

Bitchier

Febreze is a friend to stoners and those of us whose clothes are technically 'clean' but not necessarily aromatic but I'm not sure what they're going for with this. Although who knows, maybe it'll be the hot new Christmas toy this season, sort of like Furbie for housewives.

According to E!, Stiffler and Knoxville are going to star in a "Dukes of Hazzard" movie. Didn't they already do that? No, wait, they did Charlie's Angels, Starsky and Hutch and the Brady Bunch. What are they going to do when they run out of seventies TV shows to take on? '50's shows? Be sure to see Ashton Kutcher as Daddy in the "Make Room for Daddy" movie.

Oh, speaking of the fifties and the seventies, there will be a "Happy Days Reunion." Sit on it, you naysayers. Aren't you looking forward to seeing what Donny Most has been up to?

You can bet your Kabbalah water that there's going to be a tell-all book about J.So? from her pissed-off former makeup artist. After the scandals of abusive priests, the church really does need more high-profile Catholics like J.Lo who embody such beliefs as multiple divorces, demanded diptych candles in dressing rooms, and, of course, 'faith healing.' Oh, and humility and multiple cameos on "Will and Grace."

Bitchy

Lenny Kravitz, I really have always wanted to like you but I had a sneaking suspicion that you might be more image than music. And now you're in this Gap ad and I don't know if I can take your deep rhymes. I'm crazy for this little lady
I'm freaking for my little baby
'Cause she makes me feel good
She's so fine
Don't need all my other ladies
I'm beggin' for this little lady
'Cause I tell you she's cool
She's divine
I know she's a super lady
I'm weak and I've gone hazy
I'm crazy for that lady
She's chic but she's not shady
Sophisticated lady
And she makes me feel good
She's so fine

Speaking of Sarah Jessica Parker, I am proud to be a member of the not-button-nose club. How surprised was I yesterday to find out an unlikely fellow member of our committee. Now there are rumors of Jessica Simpson getting work done , but I've never noticed this gigantor bump on her nose. I love it. Keep it real, Jessica. Don't go Jennifer Grey on us.

Recaplet

Part of being a good fill-in host (and thank you for your support, by the way. Although I'd prefer to be the Whatevs Kevin Eubanks as opposed to Joan Rivers. Because then I'd get a guitar) means admitting when you're wrong, and I was wrong: "Joey" actually wasn't too bad. Some thoughts:

• The intro is stupid. Too "90210." Whoah, sitting on the roof of your car, how "LA".
• Jennifer Coolidge is in the cast as Joey's agent. This could be really good, as she's a Christopher Guest movie fixture, although she wasn't really anything in this episode, so maybe she's more Stiffler's Mom than The Ditz from "Best In Show".
• Are Drea de Matteo (Joey's sister) and Portia de Rossi the same person?
• It seems that, thanks to the OC the cute geek (Joey's nephew) is the new "crazy neighbor". That's fine by me.
• The woman who played Joey's neighbor Alex, Andrea Adams has very strange breasts. I don't know how to explain it. Did anybody else notice?
• Like "Frasier," "Joey" has a good premise. Being a crappy actor in Hollywood seems to set itself up for better scenarios, than, say, six friends who live in New York.
• The writing actually seems pretty good. I even laughed out loud once or twice. I probably won't be tuning in regularly, but if "Joey" is meshed in on Thursday with "Scrubs" and "ER", then it might just work.

And then I also watched "The Apprentice," just because I had to make myself look like an ass for saying yesterday that I didn't watch it. I don't have that much to say about it, other than:

• Trump still sucks when reading script.
• What was with the girl in the topless sundress at the beginning? Have you ever heard of a suit?
• Trump needs a new decorator for his pad. Very "Dynasty."
• You really can't blame him for choosing Melania Knauss as his next fiancee. I don't usually go for the beauty queen type, but holy hottness.
• All the contestants are registered on Friendster. This is good synergy. Who benefits most from this marketing? Answer: Us, of course.
• My favorite contestant is Pamela. She's tough and mean and if she is what we all think she is (not to be mentioned here for libel), then good, because we need more of her kind in prime time. Gay men on TV is so over. And if she's not, then I still like her for making fun of that kid's devil's haircut.

And Lastly

Filling in here is addictive. I'm glad I'm only here through tomorrow because I'd never get anything done.

Do you like your bunnies smelling of french fries? Gross.

Michael Phelps brags of banging 7 chicks and then tries to get it on with a Bush twin. I've got news for you, Phelpsey: the Olympics are over and your time is up. You can expect at max to host an awkward episode of SNL, but for the next four years, anyhow, you're going the way of Dan and Dave and my personal favorite Olympic hottie, Apolo Anton Ohno, so I hope you enjoyed the ride, son. Don't trade any of those golds for head, even if you have a lot. That just looks bad.

Blogging is Fun

Are you ready for some football? Really? Good. Can you help me figure out who to pick for my pool? I need to stop picking teams based on how in love with the players I am (see: Philadelphia Eagles, Dhani Jones. For more, check out the GQ with Justin Timberlake on it for the photo of Dhani in the shower with one lucky bitch. This issue also has a subtle little shout-out to my man Grambo.)

Dave Eggers is scheduled to be on Conan tonight for some reason. I'm curious to see the audience recognition factor, since while almost everyone I know is aware of Mr. Eggers' existence, I imagine the rest of the world is not. If I were some sort of Krucoffian figure, I'd do a Venn Diagram of which watchers of various late night programs are aware of which literary figures. But you know, Sedaris is on Letterman all the time and Neal Pollack did good when he was on "The Daily Show."

Since this is whatevs, after all, I present to you your daily shot of Britney Spears looking grotty:

I like that she has adopted the larger than life Miami-Jewish-Grandmother sunglasses that Mary Kate Olsen sports. Note how Spawn of Kevin Federnasty cringes, perhaps because Britney is holding a freezing cup of (cheeto-flavored?) frappacino up to her butt.

Paris-Paris or Las Vegas Paris?

Okay, what's been bothering more than anything lately is the conundrum of what the hell Paris Hilton has done to herself, if anything, in the last ten years or so. I'm referring to the totally different person she was when she was a teenager instead of who she is now. I don't think I would even realize that it's her if I saw the 'before' photo. What happened? She was a kind of blah, cute teen before and now she's that pan-faced ugly-hott girl we all know and love-to-hate. But can a tan, a dye job, colored contacts and just general growing up make that big a change? I think not but I'm not sure. She even looks different now than back when she debuted to us in the topless David LaChapelle photos in Vanity Fair, which I used to be able to find online but now are probably removed since she's a serious actress.

Before you accuse me of chaperoning the Hater's Ball, I'd like to say that I love Paris and I'd probably want to party with her as much as I'd want to slap her. Besides, I'm convinced that she has legions of spies throughout the country. How else to explain the phenomenon of immediate Paris support whenever somebody talks smack about her? Do that many people actually like her? Witness some good reviews her book has received.

My favorite standby is that we're all just jealous. Of course we're jealous. Do we even need to explain why? I would love to write a book, put together an album, be in a movie or TV show without any fear that diastrous results will make me poor or unpopular or embarrassed.

I Want My Must-See TV

The Olympics are over, summer is over, and as the beer gardens close, America realizes that there's nothing to do anymore. No, wait. Hold on. There is something to do and it's called Must-See TV, back with a vengeance, bitch! Tonight we start with "Joey," and while I haven't heard much buzz on the show yet, I'm not sure that Matt LeBlanc can carry a show on his own without the other "Friends," but you know, I guess I can't really judge because I never saw "Ed" and that might have been really good. (Maybe they'll replace Drea de Matteo with a monkey halfway through the season.)

Afterwards we have the return of "The Apprentice," and I don't know, I'm not feeling much buzz myself. Nothing really happened with Bill Rancic thus far to ramp up his career, other than to make him a minor celebrity of the reality tv caliber here in the Chi. All NBC can really do right now is promise greater levels of assholishness than Omarosa, who will certainly make a comeback for the second season because she's not overexposed enough already. Maybe they will explain though why Donald does "the snake" (the hand move) when he fires people in the promos, but not in the show itself. But I wasn't really into the original "Apprentice", because if a reality TV show doesn't involve ugly women, midgets, models or Ryan Seacrest, then Zulkey out.

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath!

Last minute gig revealed! Be sure to switch on your Betamax player and tape "The Surreal Life" this Sunday night, because everyone's favourite bunch of effing tourists are playing a gig at Small's. That's right, come one come all to see Last Tourist in what's being billed as their "last show for a little while." I say buzz.

Okay kids, I've got a special surprise lined up for the FOW Nation. While your Uncle Grambo is out of the office until Monday without access to a `puter, I've recruited the hottest bitch in the Windy City to guest blog in my absence. Yeah, that's rizz, I'm talkin' about Claire Zulkey! Miss Zulkey is one of the most respected young writers out there right now for her work on her eponymous website, Flak, Black Table, McSwys, Yankee Pot Roast and much, much more. And while I'm plugging away, you should totally buy her book "Girls Girls Girls" on Amazon.com. It's totally hott, trust you me.

Chain Chain Chain

Shame on you, Detroit News. While the decision to run a two week old wire story on flying cars (!!!) could certainly be classified as deplorable, it's even worse considering that they ran THE EXACT SAME STORY back on August 28th!!! either flying cars have more buzz than I had previously been informed or the editors at the DetNews are asleep at the wheel. Methinks the latter is the more likely explanation.

However, it is important to remember that even in the most dire of situations, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. In this case, it's The Grizz. He lands on the cover of the DetNews Arts section today with his story on unwatched DVDs. Admit it, there are a few doozies in your collection that were spontaneously swept up on a Tuesday run to Best Buy that are still shrink wrapped. Case in point, your Uncle Grambo's purchase of "Field Of Dreams" and "ER: Season One" ... lord knows what inspired THOSE purchases. But I digress ... I ask you, have you read an article on this topic? I certainly can't recall doing so. Big buzz for The Grizz, congrats man.

Has Tiger Woods dumped Elin Nordegren? Did George Bush blow rails at Camp David? DEVELOPING!

Scary quote of the day from the Republicans. Vice President Dickhead Cheney is out on the campaign trail and was quoted yesterday as saying the following: "It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States." So, in other words, if you don't vote for President Bush, there will be another terrorist attack on our soil. Man, this is EXACTLY what Michael Moore was talking about in "B.F.C." when he detailed the Culture Of Fear. For those interested in further discourse on this particular subject matter, I direct you to 1115.org. Obvs.

Ron Livingston is in negotiations to star in a film called "Relative Strangers", a film that centers on an uptight professional who sets out to meet his biological parents only to discover that they're very different than what he expected. Somebody get David O. Russell and his lawyers on the horn, sounds like a total "Flirting With Disaster" rip-off!!! [via Defamer]

"Gotta go sleep with a freshman." This year's crop of freshman bitties at the University Of Michigan are looking pretty tasty, if this looker is any indication. Untz.

Melissa Auf Der Durst and The Von Bondies will be hitting the road for a co-headlining tour of the United States. While there hasn't been any official confirmation of venues as yet, look for them to be scheduling dates in the back alley behind your local 7/11. SNATCH! No buzz on that tour, yo. SO February `04.

Wait, what's that noise I hear? Oh yeah, that's just the press conference that's being held in the city of Bakhalle, Franz Ferdistan. That sound that might be easily confused with 1,000 blenders set to frappé is actually the sound of Franz Ferdinand winning the Mercury Prize. Back alley flowbee buzz negativo has been supremely revealed. Makes Durst Lumber look like Troy Stamp & Coin!

shot stick ... REVEALED!

i don't know about you, but your Uncle Grambo's definition of a fantastic weekend begins and ends with the revelation of GK Vibe's infamous shot stick. but when you also take the time to mix in some tailgating luv, a U-M victory, mimosas at the Majestic, rooftop debauchery at Woody's, and a killer late nizz bash at El Tiz and Jenbo's, you quickly find yourself in Best Weekend Ever territory. a full photographic retrospective of the weekend will arrive later this evening for your enjoyment; in the interim, kick back and enjoy a plate fulla PHC.

welcome to the party, pal! after redshirt sophomore Matt Gutierrez went down with a shoulder injury in practice, Coach Lloyd Carr tapped true freshman Chad Henne to start the season opener against the lowly scrubs of Miami of Ohio. after a slow start, Henne began to catch fire in the second half and led the Wolverine squad to a 42-10 victory. Henne became only the third true freshman in the history of the university to start a season opener and, considering the circumstances, performed quite admirably by going 14 of 24 with two TD throws and one INT. and although Carr is staying mum on the subject, it looks like the frosh is gonna get the nod this weekend versus Notre Dame, too! can't wait to hear what The Backer has to say when the Fighting Irish's sorry ass D gets lit up by a freshman. game time is 3:30 saturday, y'all.

while the proverbial shatters is hitting the not-so-proverbial fan in South Bend, things are looking equally grim in Spartyville after John "The L Stands For Loser" Smith's squad got punk'd by a bunch of slackers from Jersey this weekend. dissention and division is already breaking out among the ranks, led by the HIGHLY controversial comments from linebacker Ronald Stanley. when asked by a reporter why the Spartys looked so confused on the field, Stanley replied with the following statement: "They came out with something we didn't prepare for. There were a lot of adjustments to be made, and after working on a game plan all week to have to change is tough." ouch, you know there's trouble when one of your senior leaders starts popping off about the coaching staff not having adequately prepared them for the game. could be a long year for the denizens of East Lansing, yo.

The Sports Guy reveals the Top 84 reasons why 1984 ruled. while Simmons' aura has dimmed considerably after he was schooled a few weeks back by Chuck Klosterman, this column restores his buzz in my eyes.

some say David's family jewels are even more envied than Tommy Lee's ... happy 500th, dude!

i don't care if this its a fashion faux pas, your Uncle Grambo fully supports Brit Brit's decision to go bra-less in public. yes, "fully supports" was a pun and yes it was intended. bovs on those effin tees, shmears.

if there's one thing that i've learned in purchasing over 400 dvds, it's that most commentary tracks aren't worth a lick. the notable (though not singular) exception to this rule are films in the Kevin Smith ouevre. take for instance the commentary for "Mallrats" ... some say better than the actual movie! consequently, i'm temporarily breaking my self-imposed hiatus from DVD purchases when I make a Best Buy run for "Clerks X" this afternoon. mmmmBEST!

if there's one thing that your Uncle Grambo has learned from his myriad affairs with Asian-American cocktail waitresses, it's that you almost ALWAYS have to buy them restaurants to keep them happy. otherwise, they'll leave you faster than you can say won ton soup. looks like Nic Cage is learning this lesson the hard way.

considering that they're both afraid of airplanes, maybe The Killers should go on tour with John Madden! turduckon REVEALED!