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ashlee, barfin and fez ... the new 3 stooges?
Friday, August 13, 2004  

smile like you mean it

breaking news! Kilby quits as host of "The Late Late Show" on CBS! this is idle speculation based upon no facts whatsoever, but I've got a hunch that CBS is gonna throw the BIG bucks at Jon Stewart and try to lure him away from Comedy Central ... bet the execs at CC wish they hadn't broke the bank to re-sign Chappelle, that money would be better spent on J Stew. developing!

even though Generous Motors employees received this announcement two weeks ago, it's just now breaking in the press that GM has offered every employee the ability to purchase more vacation days this year. for the low low cost of $175 per day, employees can buy up to five days of vacation to use during 2004. are you effing kidding me? this is probably the stupidest thing that I've ever heard of, especially considering the people that need this vacation time the most can't really afford to have $175 taken out of their paycheck. i mean, while the fat cat managers wouldn't even blink at this number, $175 is the cost of a week's worth of groceries for a family of four! how many people are going to trade feeding their kids for the shot at a 3-day weekend? no buzz! that's why "sick" days were invented, yo!

who knew that the "Garden" in "Garden State" stood for "Garden-fresh tossed salad"? New Jersey's governor resigns after admitting he prefers catching more than pitching. Jersey revealed!

lips like sugar!while we're on the whole same sex sex tip, it's worth admitting that your Uncle Grambo has always been drawn to the fresh faced hotties that populate the US Women's Soccer team. i mean, does it get any hotter than Julie Foudy leaning in for some hott g-on-g action with another chick female Olympian whose last name is Boxx? nope, didn't think so.

but then again, the revelation that Wiener Dog is a lesbian just doesn't have the same affect on me. i mean, i'm sure that she's a nice person and all, but i've never really understood how ANYONE could harbor an attraction towards Heather Matarazzo. especially when you consider she's, like, the durst actress evs! she almost ruined "The Devil's Advocate" for me (the key word being "almost")!

The New York Times asks "Are Video Games Racist?" ... memo to NYT staffers: video games are inanimate objects. just thought you'd want to know.

some things are just too good to last. case in point, the infamous "Brown Bunny" billboard that loomed large over the Sunset Strip. the Vincent Gallo designed masterpiece only "lasted" 13 days (pun intended). heh heh.

the latest edition of Whatevs Watcher comes from The Grizz:

Yesterday dad and I hit the Lafayette Coney Island and who was revealed?? Dax! Dax was there in there representing, and the worst part is I didnít even realize it until after I left the coney Ö I saw one of the girls from Allied Advertising in there making a fuss, and I was all, I wonder what thatís all about? Then I came back here and (Detroit News film critic) Tom (Long) had just interviewed Dax, and talked about how he was headed downtown to eat coneys at the Lafayette and he was being accompanied by the chick from Allied! Long story short, saw Dax, didnít even realize it. Díoh!


finally, a moment of silence for one of the Baseball Elite. Joe Falls, 1928-2004. this long-time employee of The Detroit News was truly one of the great writers / columnists ever to report on America's pasttime. so great, in fact, that he was inducted into Baseball's Hall of Fame in 2002. rest in peace, Joe.

posted by uncle grambo |
Thursday, August 12, 2004  

would you like some butter with that?

i'll orville your redenbacher tonight, britters!

mmmmm, popcorn. some say nature's finest creation. there's something about the combination of hot air, oil and hardened kernels of corn that gets my motor revvin', ifyaknowwhutwhutimsayin. that being said, if your Uncle Grambo decided to stalk Brit Brit, i'd could probably think of a more clever way to introduce myself than to sit on her front lawn with a big bag of popcorn by my side. i know that a way to a woman's heart is through her stomach (or is that a man's?), but anybody who knows anything about Brit Brit knows that her weakness is Cheetos. if that stalker just would've been keeping up with whatevs.org or Scott Stereogum, maybe he could've picked up a lesson or twelve. see what happens when you don't read blogs? [via Big Matt]

now that we've got that out of the way, thanks for your patience with me over the last two PHC-free days. i spent the last 72 hours or so in BEAN TOWN beating up some smaaaaht kids and combing the boutiques on Newbury in search of Sky-laaaaaah. i mean, who would've known that I should've been looking for her at the Stone Pony in Asbury Park, NJ instead of The Pour House on Boylston? i mean, who knew that Minnie Driver was a closet Springsteen fanatic? certainly not your Uncle Grambo! thanks for revealing this "Hungry Heart" hottness, Mr. Lapatine!

as first reported by Beat Royalty here on whatevs.org back in Smarch (lousy Smarch!), Sofia Coppola has confirmed that her follow-up to "L.I.T." will be a Marie Antoinette biopic and will star Kirsten Dunst and Jason Schwartzman. let them eat cake? not so much. let us see tees! [via Beat Royalty]

if Bush = WalMarts, does Kerry = CostCo? Slate seems to think so. [via GKVibe]

normally, you can't really truss anything that you read in the NY Post. this isn't one of those occasions. Andy Dick accosts strangers in a New York nightclub on the eve of Rick James' death and begs them for coke. schmobvs, I felt the same way when Eazy-E died, only your Uncle Grambo was in Ann Arbor and not in New York and instead of begging for coke, I was begging for Jell-O shots. flazzum! [via Gawker]

Heidi Stevens, i like your style. any member of the legitimate media who drops "obvs" into an article about fashion earns buzzaroni in my book. [req req'd and via Dirty McKean]

posted by uncle grambo |
Tuesday, August 10, 2004  

back off, we liked her first!

get your hands offa my woman, mutha______! and by "your", i mean the entire city of New Yawk. in case you hadn't heard, our good friend Foxy Jazzercise Just Jess Blueprint Buzz (aka Jessica Coen) recently moved from LA to NYC; within days, she promptly snatched up the highly prestigious job as Editrix for the esteemed Gawker.com. gosh, it seems like just yesterday when our little Jazz was contributing to Friday Afternoon Topics and drinking beers with the FOW Nation at the WAB, Thanksgiving stizz ... now she's all growz up! to be quite frank with you, your Uncle Grambo couldn't think of anyone better suited to take over the reins from Choire (who's getting "kicked upstairs" to a new role in the Denton Empire). Jess possesses all of the necessary qualities to make it in The Blog Game; she's whip smart, wildly charismatic, she swears like Captain Ahab after a six-month bender, she's easy on the eyes and she parties harder than John Belushi. above all else, i know firsthand that she's a VERY talented writer and all those doubters out there can just suck it ... you're gonna love her to pieces. congrats Jess, don't forget your Uncle Grambo on your inevitable ascent to superstardom. bovs on YOUR respective tees, darling.

"Earn It" ... that's the motto for The Rochester Adams Highlander football team as they take to the practice field for the first day of summer workouts. hey Brother Rice alums, you can suck a d! defending state champs up in this piece, WHUT WHUT!

score one for Rick Fox and his publicist. mad props to Fox's PR team for beating (soon to be ex) wife Vanessa Williams' team to the punch by announcing that he's divorcing her, not the other way around. even though the world knows that HE cheated on HER (*cough*, allegedly, *cough*), announcements like this have a way of spinning some positive buzz in the press.

ha! i kill me! ALF is returning to TV as a talk show host. his show, tentatively titled "Alf's Hit Talk Show", will air on TV Land beginning in Shocktober. no word on whether or not The Ochmoneks will be involved. [via Nummer]

can someone please let me know if your Uncle Grambo pulled a Rip Van Winkle and missed some recent developments in the world of pop culture? like, how else do you explain the fact that Reuters gets away with tagging horse freak Nicole Richie with the label "actress"? that's equivalent to describing Kirstie Alley as "waif-like."

ah, you didn't think I could go more than six whole paragraphs without talking about myself, did ya? well, i can't. some creep named Merlin has posted at list called "Five Things You Must Abandon Immediately" over at 5ives.com. alongside things like trucker hats and vintage Urban Outfitter t-shirts, this so-called Wizard also names "cutesy truncated words (like 'obvs', 'whatevs')" on his list .. WTF? dude, those terms have a shelf-life of at least another sixteen thousand years! carbon date THAT, bitch! [via Magnificent Bastard]

night of the living baseheadsthis just in: Doonesbury STILL sucks monkey paws. bovs. i almost considered never going on the internet again after learning that Slate posts Trudeau's drawings online, but then I reconsidered after seeing this picture of Brittany Murphy looking like a crack whore. ferreals girl, you should look into rehab. you done mussed UP.

how does Ashlee Simpson celebrate winning the "Song Of The Summer" award at the Teen Choice Awards? by dumping that Ryan Cabrera douchebag who was riding her coattails to pseudo success. good job, Ash!

if only entering every sweepstakes was as radical as this: Create a Zombie Zone in your own home!!!

Coldplay to play Brit Brit's wedding? developing!

reason #831 that Franz Ferdinand sucks. They smuggle oranges from country to country! how RAWK of them! pussbags. [via Damore]

"Is it too much to ask a man who calls himself Badly Drawn to be more sharply focused?" if you ask me, this is one of the more genius lines that I've EVER read in a record review. respek to The Grizz.

anyone who has spent any sort of time in a corporate environment in the last two to three years knows that, above all else, cost cutting is job one. the trick to success is ensuring that your cost cuts are completely invisible to your customer base. unfortch, i just this afternoon stumbled across a way that my beloved Panera has fumbled in this very area. call it naivete, call it blind faith, but I never thought that my beloved Panera would let cost cutting affect their customer satisfaction levels. i mean, other than cost cutting, how else do you explain the recent development in which "to-go" orders no longer come with napkins in the bag? the first two times this happened to me last week, I chalked it up to new employees trying to deal with the heavy lunch rush. but today, I made a quick stop-off at the OTHER Panera and encountered the very same problem! a new low in cost cutting? some say yes. DEVELOPING!

posted by uncle grambo |
 

the jump off

while I continue to drown in the choppy seas of Budget Hell Week `04, i promise the FOW Nation that Self-Absorption Week™ here on whatevs.org is almost over. I realize that this site's promise is to deliver "piping hot content for your sexy body" and that lately I've been delivering anything but. i'm just hopeful that you all can forgive a brotha, especially this particular brotha who's still buzzing from what amounted to be the Best Party Ever.

while I will spare you all from a play-by-play recap (you can fill in the blanks by checking out your Uncle Grambo's photo album or The Leafblower's), there are some people that I would like to thank for making my 30th the best birthday of my life.

first off, everyone who made it out on Saturday deserves a shout-out. but since my memory of the evening is more than a little bit blurry (Puddle of Mudd stizz), i will thank you propa-stizz the next time I see you. promise. special thanks and sloppy kisses go out to everyone who made the trip in from out of state; Coach Glinka and Jillycakes (Chicago), Malbersblows (Chicago), Erica (SF) and The Leafblower (DC) have all earned major buzz in my book. shmears.

next up, i owe a major debt of gratitude to Peabs for hooking me up with that high-grade mali and those autographed nudie pics of Indira Gandhi ... oops, did I just say that out loud? what your Uncle REALLY meant to say was that Peabs went WAY above and beyond the call of duty and arranged for the evening's transportation ... A STRETCH ESCALADE! dude, you haven't really rolled in style until you've rolled around in a stretch Escalade avec dubs, yo. when we pulled up at Big Rock on Saturday night, heads were turning all over the m-f-ing plizz. so best, so hott, so obvs. extra bovs on Foster's tees for driving our drunk asses around all night (and for carrying Pants from Bleu to the limo!). she-mars on your Joe Dumars, natch.

and the award for "Most Time Zones Crossed" is presented to Kerry, who endured a hellacious experience with American Freakin' Airlines (not to mention surviving a knife fight with a gang of greater Chicagoland prostitutes*!!!) on her maiden voyage to The D™. your skill with a switchblade won't soon be forgotten, hott stuff.

and finally (and most importantly), I could not possibly put into words how best ever my family is. thank you Mom and Dad for all of your support in putting this together, but most of all I need to thank The Grizz and Mandypants for arranging the Bash Of The Millenium. from planning the party to arranging the space to sending out the invites (thanks to Joyce for the design work!) to getting there early to set up to going over the next day to clean up, you guys made me feel like the biggest rockstar evs. especially when I know how busy both of you are with your own wedding plans, all of the work that you put into this evening means the world to me. best couple ever, can't wait for the Nuptial Buzz in Shocktober! love you two the mostest ... bovs!

for memory's sake (and I know how much Krucoff enjoys these spreads), here are a few photos from the evening. a return to your regularly scheduled programming of PHC will occur this afternoon. natch.

obvs

malbersblows and uncle grambo

lindsay vs. the gorillas

who needs shampoo when there's beer?

THE JUMP OFF

four times best

posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, August 09, 2004  

smashing!

so fucking best! saturday night was the best party evs, no diggity, no doubt. i love each and every one of you who came out to celebrate and share this day with me. unfortch, i'm trapped in budget hell at work this morning (WORST!), so i won't be posting photos until later this eve. but for those who are interested, here's the playlist from Saturday night (as compiled by DJ U.G.) and a here's a link to Tiz and Jen's O-Foto album (req req'd, natch). more later, but my deepest and heartfelt thanks to everyone who made it happen. more gushiness to follow this evening.

  1. whatevs intro — 1115.org (The Madden Radio Disaster)

  2. Buffy Theme — Breeders (Son Of Three EP)

  3. Girls — Death in Vegas (Scorpio Rising)

  4. This Is My Religion — Gene Farris (White Label)

  5. Let Go — Frou Frou (Details)

  6. On The Subway — Brian Reitzell and Roger J. Manning Jr (Lost In Translation OST)

  7. Happy Birthday To Me — Cracker (Cracker)

  8. Girl From Mars — Ash (1977)

  9. Let me Sleep (Next to the Mirror) — Idlewild (100 Broken Windows)

  10. Take Me Out — Franz Ferdinand (Franz Ferdinand)

  11. Mr. Brightside — The Killers (Hot Fuss)

  12. Such Great Heights — Postal Service (Give Up)

  13. Save It For Later — Harvey Danger (500 Cigarettes OST)

  14. Just Because — Jane's Addiction (Strays)

  15. The Rat — The Walkmen (Bows And Arrows)

  16. Lola Stars and Stripes — The Stills (Logic Will Break Your Heart)

  17. Evil — Interpol (Antics)

  18. Just Like Heaven — Cure (Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me)

  19. Love Will Tear Us Apart (Permanent Mix) — Joy Division (Permanent 1995)

  20. Temptation — New Order (Trainspotting)

  21. Laid — James (Laid)

  22. Spitting Games — Snow Patrol (Final Straw)

  23. California — Phantom Planet (Phantom Planet Was Here)

  24. 12:51 — The Strokes (Room On Fire)

  25. A Stroke Of Genius — Freelance Hellraiser (Ultimate Bootlegs)

  26. Borderline — Madonna (The Immaculate Collection)

  27. Toxic — Britney Spears (In the Zone)

  28. Rock Your Body — Justin Timberlake (Justified)

  29. Ignition - Remix — R. Kelly (The R. In R&B Collection: Volume 1)

  30. Can't get Blue Monday out of my head — Kylie Minogue vs New Order (White Label)

  31. Girls and Boys — Blur (The Best of Blur)

  32. Wonderwall — Oasis (What's the Story Morning Glory?)

  33. Bitter Sweet Symphony — The Verve (Urban hymns)

  34. Stutter — Elastica (Elastica)

  35. Welcome Back — Mase (Welcome Back - Single)

  36. 99 Problems — Jay-Z (THE BLACK ALBUM)

  37. Posse On Broadway — Sir Mix-a-Lot (Swass)

  38. The Gas Face — 3rd Bass (The Cactus Album)

  39. Juicy — The Notorious B.I.G. (Ready to Die)

  40. It Was A Good Day — Ice Cube (The Predator)

  41. Taste — Ride (Nowhere)

  42. Blue — The Verve (A Storm In Heaven)

  43. Common People — Pulp (Different Class)

  44. Boys Don't Cry — Cure (Staring At The Sea - The Singles)

  45. Penpals — Sloan (Twice Removed)

  46. Irish Blood, English Heart — Morrissey (Irish Blood, English Heart - EP)

  47. Vapour Trail — Ride (Nowhere)

  48. Star Guitar — Chemical Brothers (Come With Us)

  49. Seven Cities — Solar Stone (Essential Selection Vol. I)

  50. Dance With Me — The Sounds (Living in America)

  51. Carnaval De Paris (aka Malbersblows) — Dario G (Carnaval De Paris Maxi Single)

  52. Born To Run — Bruce Springsteen (Live-1975-85)

  53. Get Your Hands Off My Woman — The Darkness (Permission To Land)

  54. Feel Good Hit Of The Summer — Queens of the Stone Age (Rated R)

  55. Wow — Snow Patrol (Final Straw)

  56. Pda — Interpol (Turn On The Bright Lights)

  57. So Alive — Ryan Adams (Rock N Roll)

  58. For Nancy ('Cos It Already Is) — Pete Yorn (musicforthemorningafter)

  59. Someday — The Strokes (Is This It)

  60. My Hero — Foo Fighters (The Colour and the Shape)

posted by uncle grambo |
quote-a-matic
"Iím rebelling against myself. Iíve taken out all my piercings apart from one in my right nipple. Thatís for me."
Christina Aguilera on her latest attempt to remove the overwhelming scent of skank from her persona
be like mark
ECOUTEZ


rilo kiley - more adventurous



REGARDEZ


winged migration



LISEZ


the moviegoer - walker percy
adventures w/disposable income
date: 8.15.04
source: AMC Forum 30
amount: $13.25
(1) ticket to "fahrenheit 9/11"
(1) ticket to "collateral" (double feature stizz)
(1) 20 oz. dasani
(1) bag of reese's pieces

snl season 29
REVEALED!
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
august 27: liz phair @ r.o. music theater
september 9: tigers v. royals @ CoPa
september 16-19: LOS ANGELES!!!
october 2: rilo kiley @ blind pig
october 23: nuptial buzz w/the grizz + mandypants!!!
november 18: pixies @ state theater
twenty word reviews
the day after tomorrow
**
REVIEW TK.
super size me
***
REVIEW TK.
mean girls
**
REVIEW TK.
troy
****
REVIEW TK.
van helsing
**
REVIEW TK.
hellboy
***
REVIEW TK.
walking tall
*
REVIEW TK.
scooby doo 2: monsters unleashed
NO BUZZ!
REVIEW TK.
dawn of the dead
****1/2
REVIEW TK.
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
****1/2
REVIEW TK.
starsky & hutch
***1/2
REVIEW TK.
girl next door
***
re-imagines "Risky Business" with Vivid Girls instead of prostitutes; marks Elisha Cuthbert's arrival as an alluring, big screen sex symbol.
eurotrip
*
Despite the best efforts of TrachtenBest, suffers greatly from a lack of forward momentum (scriptwise) and some remarkably bland casting
along came polly
**
aside from Philip Seymour Best Ever's performance ("RAIN DANCE!"), I vastly preferred this when it was called "Dharma And Greg."
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