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Tuesday, May 25, 2004  

back with another one of those block rockin' beats

picture: Detroit Newsall hail Tayshaun, Prince of The Palace. while the Pistons managed to block 19 (!!!) shots last night, none was larger than his instantly legendary swat of Reggie Miller's layup, a shot which would've tied the game at 69 with seventeen seconds remaining. despite watching the game solo-stizz on my couch, I bolted up and screamed "GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE" at the top of my lungs. while my neighbors are probably convinced i'm a psychopants, it was worth it. what a great game! Rasheed guaranteed victory and then brought his A-game last night; yeah, he shot awful, but he completely and totally shut down hotshot Pacer punk ass Jermaine O'Neal in the second half, holding him SCORELESS! totally epic, I can't wait to hear what Rome-y has to say today. game 3 is tomorrow night at the Palace, bring it ON!

alert, alert! today's Lame-O Journalist Word of the Day is "Divizzle", which in this case is in reference to Snoop Dogg's impending divorce. the word is in circulation in the stories filed by E!, The New York Daily News, The St. Louis Daily News and Rap News Direct. unfortch, this atrocity of lameness has even made its way across our border into Canada! some say durst.

this is the most pretentious thing I have ever read.

wait a sec, you didn't know that all reality shows are totally racist? what rock have you been sleeping under? in today's Detroit News, ace reporter Mekeisha Madden scores what HAS to be the quote of the century, a quote that will likely bring the entire genre of reality TV to its knees! local bartender Nathalie Cornelious, 35, NAILS the problem on the head with this quote: "If they had minorities in the lead, these would be totally different shows. With some shows, thereís too much of a cultural difference. Like on 'Big Brother' they had contestants lying out in the sun in bikinis. Black people donít need to do that." those BASTARDS! i can't believe that television execs would be so callous and shallow to show people SUN TANNING! and in BIKINIS, no less! talk about cultural insensitivity ... someone get Moonves and Grushow on the horn, STAT! this needs to be fixed, pronto stizz! bikinis? sun tanning? it's totally RACIST, man!

if anyone was looking for a reason to root for the Calgary Flames in this year's Stanley Cup, look no further! NSFW, natch. [via The Fesser]

Wonkette's take on President Bush's bicycle accident is priceless.

oh those crazy rebellious rock stars, what WILL they think of next? Bryan Adams pushes Tommy Hilfiger into a pool at a party being thrown for Beyonce! but that was only the start of the hijinx! later that night, rumour has it that Seal held up rabbit ears behind Marc Jacobs during a photo opp and Bijou Philips played spin the bottle with Michael Bolton ... DEVELOPING!

let's get real, people. "Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow" isn't getting moved into September because of fears about "Spiderman 2" usurping its box office ... it's because it looks totally worst evs! Jude Law and Gawky Gwynnie in a retro-futuristic action epic about robots and New York City? DURST! some say "Catwoman" has more buzz, but both have the potential of being "Gigli"-esque bombs at the B.O.

hey Brittany Murphy! how come it took you this long to figure out you were dating a total schwantz? even though you're a skank, I'm glad you finally came to your senses.

did Adriana really get whacked or did Little Steven let her go? buzz.

always the bridesmaid, never the bride. yesterday, there was a much blogged about article in The New Yorker about ICM super-agent Kate Lee, who apparently has scooped up exclusive rights to most of NYC's Blog Elite. i refrained from talking about it yesterday, partially because I didn't have a good angle and partially because I was jealous that Kate hadn't contacted me (here in Detroit, we don't have agents ... we have bodyguards!). well, the article's author (my boy Dan Radosh, who you may remember from the "goofy patois" controversy of January `04) dropped your Uncle Grambo an email about a paragraph that was left on the cutting room floor. here it is:

"But popularity alone is not enough to pique Leeís interest. She operates on instinct, and even some of her favorite bloggers will never hear from her professionally. 'Look at Mark Graham,' who writes Whatevs (dot org), a breezy pop culture blog beloved for its addictively obscurantist lingo. 'I donít necessarily see that it could be translated to a book, that voice. I think itís great as a Web site, and heís hilarious, really funny.' She trails off, realizing sheís not exactly making a strong case for her judgment. 'I could be wrong. Maybe heís talking to another agent, I have no idea.'"


damn straight, yo! your Uncle Grambo signed a three-picture deal with Bob Sugar back in February, shortly after my first trip out to NYC! why would I eff around with the publishing industry when I can go straight into hardcore p-no? it certainly pays more and the chicks are WAY hotter ... why settle for a hatchet face like Plum Sykes when I can be hitting it with Taylor Rain? bovs. and, more importantly, NO ONE calls me Mark Graham! my mother called me "Mark Graham" once ... ONCE! oh well, while it's certainly nice to ALMOST be name-dropped in The New Yorker, I actually prefer to revel in my outsider status ... as Brendan once said, "Life in The D™ is a tragicomedy / A poetic verse." actually, I'm not sure that quote has any relevance in this situation whatsoever. alas, thems the breaks. perhaps "Ain't no party like a Detroit party cuz a Detroit party don't stop!" is apropos in a sitch like this. yeah, yeah, THAT's the ticket. seacrest OUT!¹

¹ Just kidding, Kate ... email me! i'm desperate! get me the eff outta this war-torn hellhole! kiss me, Kate ... turn this frog into a prince! reveal some buzz! and if not Kate, then somebody else with connections ... any connections will do! bovs on YOUR respective tees!

posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, May 24, 2004  

i can die a happy man


thanks to That's Just Not Right for the inspiration ... these photos are from last year's KCA awards. so god damn shmears. bovs. no offense to The Thighmaster, but Bynes has this battle won, hands down. and I know it's been a full year, but LL doesn't look quite as "chesty" (to borrow Roeper's terminology) as she does these days. but STILL ... wowie wow wow. Bynes. SO BEST!

posted by uncle grambo |
 

counting chickens (of the sea)

how does the old phrase go again? don't count your chickens before they've hatched? well shiver me timbers, I think that's a lesson that Jessica Simpson ought to take to heart. first, we read all about how she would have the starring role in an upcoming ABC sitcom called "Jessica" ... whoops, today's NYT reveals that ABC will NOT be picking up the show for next year. despite having been assigned a top producer and an experienced group of writers, sources contend that the pilot was "poorly executed." now her PR staff is working overtime to promote the fact that Miss Simpson has been cast as Daisy Duke in the upcoming film adaptation of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" ... your Uncle Grambo puts the odds at this project ever making it to the screen at 4-1. this project was first announced back in August of `03 and the only talent attached at this point is writer John O'Brien ("Starsky & Hutch", "Cradle 2 The Grave"). the top sign that her once hott career (as recent as six months ago) seems to be cooling off is that her latest gig is as a pitchwoman for Ice Breakers breath mints ... some say wurst mints evs. developing...

normally, your Uncle Grambo resists making comments about girls who are only 14 years old (I find it's more appropriate to wait until they're 15). however, in this case, I couldn't resist. Emma Watson is the new Rene Russo. translation? Hermione Granger has Guy Face™. the telltale sign are the thick eyebrows (high unibrow potential, sorta Liam-esque) and the rapidly enlarging forehead. quite a shame, really ... oh well. there's always the BBC, Emmer¹!

Andre Agassi upset in the first round of the French Open. maybe it's getting about time to dump Fraulein Forehand? last time he dumped a wife, he went on the best winning streak of his career! just sayin'...

i don't like this move one bit. Rasheed Wallace guarantees Game 2 victory tonight. nothing positive can come out of a boast like this, especially considering it's only Game 2. WTF?!?

remember that fat kid from "Varsity Blues"? yep, the same fat kid who played the same role in "Not Another Teen Movie" ... well, that fat kid isn't fat anymore! and what's most surprising about this development is that after the weight loss, he looks like the bastard offspring of Rich Eisen and Eddie Munster! no buzz for you, holmes. lesson learned? stay fatt! [buzz via Thigh Master]

admit it, you thought he was gay! too bad Clay Aiken bovs'd all over these tees! [via Miss Modernage]

meet ze monsta. MTV.com previews the new PJ Harvey jawn.

Denton. Calcanis. Chung / Dobkin? the good folks behind Gothamist have expanded into the Midwest with their launch of Chicagoist! now that's some hott Midwest buzz for ya ... good luck to Rachelle, one of the site's editors, who also has an excellent photoblog (Rachelle B) that has long been one of my faves.

The Grizz spent most of his Saturday at the big Hip-Hop Summit and wrote a nice piece on it that appeared in yesterday's DetNews. the highlight of the piece HAS to be this choice quote from DefJam CEO Russell Simmons: "Certainly you trust Eminem more than you trust (Defense Secretary) Donald Rumsfeld." amen to THAT!

congrats out to Ye Olde Haggis for her hott review of the new Alice Randall that appeared in this week's NYTBR ... so best.

CHRISTOPHAAAAAA! last night's "Sopranos" ... mmmmBEST! so much buzz, so many spoilers I don't wanna reveal just yet. if you missed last night's episode, I highly suggest leaving work right now to go home and catch it On Demand. for reals, Shawn Smith's "Wrapped In My Memory" (which played over the closing credits) might be the one of the best musical cues I've ever heard. and a little research on the guy reveals that he was the lead singer of Pigeonhed, whose famous song "Battle Flag" played a major role back in Season 1. David Chase ... so loyal! who knew? REVEALED!


¹Side Note By The Editor: don't you love how Brits pronounce words that end with "a" as "er"? i do. best!

DANGER! DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE! Just so you know, whatevs.org will likely be shutting down for the month of May within the next 48-72 hours. I've removed all of the big files that seem to be draining my bandwidth buzz, but file transfer is rapidly closing in on 60 gigs (my monthly limit). I'm going to see if I can get an extension from my hosting company, but we'll see how much time that buys me. Just a warning. if the site ends up going down (which seems inevitable), see ya on June 1!
oxox,
Uncle Grambo

posted by uncle grambo |
 

deaf people have feelings, too

i've got a beef, yo. on behalf of Uncle Grambo and ALL of those citizens of the world who do not have the ability to hear, I'm calling out the stenocaptioners who work for ESPN2's "Cold Pizza". you see, by being lazy and culturally illiterate, they treacherously deceived their viewing audience when they decrypted the "obvs" bomb dropped by Ultragrrrl during her instantly infamous appearance on May 14th. thanks to the keen eye of The Grizz, I now present to you both Ultragrrrl's direct quote and how those lazy, good fer nuthin stenocaptioners effed it all up.

here's what Ultra ACTUALLY said:

"...but at the same time ("American Idol" judge Paula Abdul) is showing emotion and she's showing, like, she truly has, like, something, aah, she has something to lose, or she has something she really believes in, and it's OBVS, like that she is really hurt by this."


now here's how those jackanapes translated this quote for all of my hearing impaired peeps:

"...but at the same time she's showing emotion and she's showing, like, she truly has, like, something, aah, she has something to lose, or she has something she really believes in, and it's ODD, like that she is really hurt by this."


this, my friends, is a travesty of epic proportions!!! while those who are lucky enough to be blessed with the ability to hear were able to understand that Ultra was actually SYMPATHAZING with both Paula Abdul and ousted contestant Jennifer Hudson, deaf people (and even those who had their TVs on mute) are now under the mistaken impression that she was calling out the pint-sized pixie for getting upset without justification. what's THAT all about, anyway? no buzz on that whatsoevs! no, Ultra is NOT a heartless racist who voted exclusively for John Stevens; in real life, she hearts black people even more than Jerry Maguire! i promise!

after doing some research into the matter, I learned that most stenocaptioners are court reporters with special training and capable of typing up to 250 words per minute. and listed among the necessary skills for realtime captioners is the ability to capture "idioms, like adieu, aloha, de rigeur, fait accompli, modus operandi..." ... wait a second here, these people know the meaning of Fait Accompli but they don't know what "obvs" means? WTF is up with THAT?

i guess my point in all of this is simple. while Ultra broke the barrier and dropped the first obvs bomb on our nation, there is still a lot of work to do to push this term into the mainstream. for those of you asking "What can I do as a loyal FOW to help out the cause?", your Uncle Grambo has got a few simple suggestions. take five minutes out of your lunchtime today to write your local congressman and insist on better training and licensing of stenocaptioners everywhere. drop an "obvs" in your next encounter with a baby boomer and tell them it's the new "groovy". and be sure to give proper credit where credit is due because, contrary to popular belief, Peabs invented the word "obvs", NOT your Uncle Grambo. thank you for your time, regular programming will commence shortly ... bovs!

posted by uncle grambo |
quote-a-matic
"Punky Ba-Rew-Ster!"
Mandypants, instituting the hottest catchphrase since "You're Fired"
be like mark
ECOUTEZ


goldfrapp - black cherry



REGARDEZ


eyes wide shut



LISEZ


jami attenberg - instant love

adventures w/disposable income
date: 5.23.04
source: Birmingham Palladium / Main Art Theatre
amount: $29.25
(1) large dasani
(2) regular coffees
(1) box of Dots
(1) ticket to "Mean Girls"
(2) tickets to "Super Size Me"

snl season 29
REVEALED!
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
may 24: softball league @ 6:10pm
may 27: sea ray / stills @ st. andrews
june 6: dido @ fox theater
june 7: softball league @ 7:20pm
june 11-13: VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!
june 14: softball @ 6:10pm
june 19: jessica's graduation party
june 21: softball @ 8:30pm
june 28: softball @ 6:10pm
july 3 - july 11: vacation @ kiawah island
july 12: softball @ 7:20pm
july 19: softball @ 7:20pm
july 26: softball @ 9:40pm
august 2: softball @ 7:20pm
august 14: nuptial buzz w/c friggs + lescal!!!
october 23: nuptial buzz w/the grizz + mandypants!!!
twenty word reviews
super size me
***
REVIEW TK.
mean girls
**
REVIEW TK.
troy
****
REVIEW TK.
van helsing
**
REVIEW TK.
hellboy
***
REVIEW TK.
walking tall
*
REVIEW TK.
scooby doo 2: monsters unleashed
NO BUZZ!
REVIEW TK.
dawn of the dead
****1/2
REVIEW TK.
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
****1/2
REVIEW TK.
starsky & hutch
***1/2
REVIEW TK.
girl next door
***
re-imagines "Risky Business" with Vivid Girls instead of prostitutes; marks Elisha Cuthbert's arrival as an alluring, big screen sex symbol.
eurotrip
*
Despite the best efforts of TrachtenBest, suffers greatly from a lack of forward momentum (scriptwise) and some remarkably bland casting
along came polly
**
aside from Philip Seymour Best Ever's performance ("RAIN DANCE!"), I vastly preferred this when it was called "Dharma And Greg."
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