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Wednesday, November 27, 2002
before you fill your head with booze tonight and stuff your belly full of turkey and mashed 'taters tomorrow, you should seriously consider stuffing your head full of conversation worthy linkage. nothing's more boring than saying "man, that Marty Morninwheg is an idiot. he should be fired. eh, anyone got some gum?" and what are you going to say if that hottie you always had a crush on in high school ambles over and chats you up, and all you've got to say is "so, uh, anyway, it sure is gettin' cold outside. wonder if it's gonna be cold this winter..." because your Uncle Grambo is a fine, upstanding citizen, here are some quick reference points for you. study them, hone your craft, and good luck this evening.
Music: As a wise native of Rochester Hills once said, "Music makes the people come together." Why not jump into a conversation revolving around something virtually everyone does every day? If recent releases are your bag of tricks, check out The Grizz's recent reviews of Audioslave or TLC's "3D". Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try describing the sonic soundscapes of Iceland's Sigur Ros (Uncle Grambo wishes you good luck wooing the chicks by discussing an album that doesn't have a name or any song titles). Maybe she'd be impressed that you saw the recent Beck / Flaming Lips show ... refresh your memory by reading Robert Hilburn's review of their recent Los Angeles show. If your prospective honey is into epic conversations, show her that you've got a distinct appreciation of every sort of music from the last 400 years by reading Stereophile Magazine's 40 Essential Albums, which covers everything from Beethoven's symphonies to NWA's furious gangsta style.
Television and Film: Perhaps music just doesn't do it for you. A reliable back-up is the double-dip of TV and movies, something everyone can relate to. If film is your poison, a good starter point is remembering that the new James Bond movie is #1 at the box office. Over the years, girls worldwide have proved wooable by the actions and exploits of the debonair superspy, which The Grizz admirably covered in a recent edition of The DetNews. Brush up on your Bond history so you don't make the mistake of saying that Tina Turner played the baddie in "A View To A Kill" and insisting that it was Grace Jones who sang the theme to "Goldeneye." Or if you feel like getty a little frisky and mixing it up, throw out the topic of "Everybody Loves Raymond." yes, I just said "Everybody Loves Raymond." personally, i don't know anybody who loves (or even mildly likes!) Raymond, but Slate.com's Virginia Heffernan recently came up with an interesting theory -- it's "Seinfeld" for Catholics! genius!
Food and Drink: Chances are you won't be sitting around sippin' on a Zima. let's hope not, anyways. Impress that femme fatale with your impressive knowledge of vino ... a good place to start is by throwing out your trump card by immediately declaring that Beaujolais Nouveau is for poseurs and personally you can't stand the hype that such a bland and tasteless wine gets every third Thursday in November. if you have no idea what the hell I am talking about, you might want to avoid this particular topic. but if the tender little Roni brings it up, you'll be glad that you read this article on that very subject.
Obscure Topics: Anyone who's ever spent an evening out with Uncle Grambo knows the game of Russian Roulette that you play whenever you whip out a completely random conversation topic. Either you're a big hit and you generate mad group conversation or people instantly mock you for being one weird ass nutjob. If you're feeling lucky, punk, throw out the name Bobby Fischer. sure, everyone remembers the movie about the boy chess genius starring Joe Montegna and Joan Allen. in fact, that's probably a good intro. but that well will run dry quickly, and you can swoop in with MAD gusto by announcing that it was "paranoia, hubris and hatred" that ruined the career and life of the world's greatest chess player. But before all that happened, he once did a duet with Jackie Wilson! for those who revel in obscurity (such as yours truly), read more in this month's issue of The Atlantic.
Sports: If you have reached this point, I can only assume that you forgot to brush your teeth and your stuck over in the corner with the rest of the dudes talkin' sports. At this point AND AT ONLY THIS POINT is it allowed to bring up the Lions, but why not add a little spirit to the conversation with topics like Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire's most recent marijuana arrest, the hit that Warren Sapp put on Chad Clifton and how it almost resulted in a fist fight between Sapp and Packers head coach Mike Sherman, or how the BoSox just hired the youngest General Manager in the history of baseball, 28-year old Theo Epstein. If your posse has already discussed the recent SportsCenter rundowns, David Shields just wrote a GREAT article on Charles Barkley entitled "Charles Barkley's Head Fake - He's just pretending to be outrageous". his theory is that, for all the press and controversy that has surrounded Charles Barkley and his "outspoken attitude" for the last fifteen years, he's more "middle of the road" than either he or the media would have you believe.
I hope that any one of the topics above will serve you well on The Biggest Bar Night Of The Year. I wish each and all of you good times, gooder cheer and goodest besteverness over the holiday weekend. Stay safe and try to keep it rizz. Hope to see you out on the town!posted by uncle grambo |
best headline ever?
posted by uncle grambo |
Monday, November 25, 2002
A Wolverine in Nut Country
the following whatevs.org contribution comes courtesy of one JP McKrengels, who made the voyage down to C-Bus this weekend for the Michigan / Ohio State debaucle. what follows is a tale that is simultaneously hilarious and harrowing, a tale of how unadulterated evil mixed with adult beverages turned into a riot. props out to Krengzies for this tigs contribution...
A Wolverine In Nut Countryposted by uncle grambo |
easily the best pairing since Gary Busey and Rodney Dangerfield...
(thanks to MacK10 for passing this along!)posted by uncle grambo |
so i pull up to a stoplight at the corner of Rochester and 12 Mile road this morning. i'm minding my own beeswax and listening to BT (aka "The Express") on WDFN when this gunmetal grey Audi TT pulls up alongside me. i've always admired the TT because of its graceful yet sleek design, and it got me thinking that there must be some sort of Secret Design Council where people from Audi, Apple and Nintendo sit around and collaborate to create the most visually and ergonomically appealing products that are humanly possible. but that is another tangent for another time ... let me get back to my story. anyhow, i'm staring at this TT idling next to me when the stoplight turns green. the TT speeds off, only to reveal itself as the gayest car in the Metro Detroit area. first of all, there is the tell-tale symbol of overt homosexuality blazened on the bumper, the rainbow bumper sticker. having spent close to nine years in Ann Arbor, obvs this doesn't faze me in the slightest. but what got me laughing out loud was the vanity license plate that read "OUTT". get it? this dude was "OUT" of the closet AND he was driving an Audi "TT", hence his custom "OUTT" plate. when i pulled up alongside this car at the next stoplight, i checked to make sure Siggi wasn't driving the car. thankfully, no Siggi.
long time FOWs understand that this is the point where I conclude the entry with an opinion on something that may or may not be related to the story i just told. so in classic whatevs.org fashion, i conclude with this: how come no one drives sportscars anymore? at one point, every self-respecting dude drove or owned a sportscar. back when we were kids, Firebirds and Mustangs and Corvettes and Camaros were all the rage. T-tops and convertible versions of these cars were even more tigs. but as we sit here in the waning few weeks of 2002, who in the fuck would even consider purchasing a sports car? ownership has been relicated to gay males (your TTs, your Kompressors), Macomb County chaches (Camaros, Firebirds) and old white guys in the throes of a mid-life crisis (Corvettes, the new T-Bird). add a convertible-top to the mix and your Desperation Factor is instantly doubled. what happened? how, when and why did the sports car become so emasculated? let's discuss the next time i see you at the bar. obvs.posted by uncle grambo |