don't choke

before you fill your head with booze tonight and stuff your belly full of turkey and mashed 'taters tomorrow, you should seriously consider stuffing your head full of conversation worthy linkage. nothing's more boring than saying "man, that Marty Morninwheg is an idiot. he should be fired. eh, anyone got some gum?" and what are you going to say if that hottie you always had a crush on in high school ambles over and chats you up, and all you've got to say is "so, uh, anyway, it sure is gettin' cold outside. wonder if it's gonna be cold this winter..." because your Uncle Grambo is a fine, upstanding citizen, here are some quick reference points for you. study them, hone your craft, and good luck this evening.

— Music: As a wise native of Rochester Hills once said, "Music makes the people come together." Why not jump into a conversation revolving around something virtually everyone does every day? If recent releases are your bag of tricks, check out The Grizz's recent reviews of Audioslave or TLC's "3D". Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try describing the sonic soundscapes of Iceland's Sigur Ros (Uncle Grambo wishes you good luck wooing the chicks by discussing an album that doesn't have a name or any song titles). Maybe she'd be impressed that you saw the recent Beck / Flaming Lips show ... refresh your memory by reading Robert Hilburn's review of their recent Los Angeles show. If your prospective honey is into epic conversations, show her that you've got a distinct appreciation of every sort of music from the last 400 years by reading Stereophile Magazine's 40 Essential Albums, which covers everything from Beethoven's symphonies to NWA's furious gangsta style.

— Television and Film: Perhaps music just doesn't do it for you. A reliable back-up is the double-dip of TV and movies, something everyone can relate to. If film is your poison, a good starter point is remembering that the new James Bond movie is #1 at the box office. Over the years, girls worldwide have proved wooable by the actions and exploits of the debonair superspy, which The Grizz admirably covered in a recent edition of The DetNews. Brush up on your Bond history so you don't make the mistake of saying that Tina Turner played the baddie in "A View To A Kill" and insisting that it was Grace Jones who sang the theme to "Goldeneye." Or if you feel like getty a little frisky and mixing it up, throw out the topic of "Everybody Loves Raymond." yes, I just said "Everybody Loves Raymond." personally, i don't know anybody who loves (or even mildly likes!) Raymond, but Slate.com's Virginia Heffernan recently came up with an interesting theory -- it's "Seinfeld" for Catholics! genius!

— Food and Drink: Chances are you won't be sitting around sippin' on a Zima. let's hope not, anyways. Impress that femme fatale with your impressive knowledge of vino ... a good place to start is by throwing out your trump card by immediately declaring that Beaujolais Nouveau is for poseurs and personally you can't stand the hype that such a bland and tasteless wine gets every third Thursday in November. if you have no idea what the hell I am talking about, you might want to avoid this particular topic. but if the tender little Roni brings it up, you'll be glad that you read this article on that very subject.

— Obscure Topics: Anyone who's ever spent an evening out with Uncle Grambo knows the game of Russian Roulette that you play whenever you whip out a completely random conversation topic. Either you're a big hit and you generate mad group conversation or people instantly mock you for being one weird ass nutjob. If you're feeling lucky, punk, throw out the name Bobby Fischer. sure, everyone remembers the movie about the boy chess genius starring Joe Montegna and Joan Allen. in fact, that's probably a good intro. but that well will run dry quickly, and you can swoop in with MAD gusto by announcing that it was "paranoia, hubris and hatred" that ruined the career and life of the world's greatest chess player. But before all that happened, he once did a duet with Jackie Wilson! for those who revel in obscurity (such as yours truly), read more in this month's issue of The Atlantic.

— Sports: If you have reached this point, I can only assume that you forgot to brush your teeth and your stuck over in the corner with the rest of the dudes talkin' sports. At this point AND AT ONLY THIS POINT is it allowed to bring up the Lions, but why not add a little spirit to the conversation with topics like Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire's most recent marijuana arrest, the hit that Warren Sapp put on Chad Clifton and how it almost resulted in a fist fight between Sapp and Packers head coach Mike Sherman, or how the BoSox just hired the youngest General Manager in the history of baseball, 28-year old Theo Epstein. If your posse has already discussed the recent SportsCenter rundowns, David Shields just wrote a GREAT article on Charles Barkley entitled "Charles Barkley's Head Fake - He's just pretending to be outrageous". his theory is that, for all the press and controversy that has surrounded Charles Barkley and his "outspoken attitude" for the last fifteen years, he's more "middle of the road" than either he or the media would have you believe.

best headline ever?

Supermodel Heidi Klum, Husband Separate

A Wolverine in Nut Country

the following whatevs.org contribution comes courtesy of one JP McKrengels, who made the voyage down to C-Bus this weekend for the Michigan / Ohio State debaucle. what follows is a tale that is simultaneously hilarious and harrowing, a tale of how unadulterated evil mixed with adult beverages turned into a riot. props out to Krengzies for this tigs contribution...

A Wolverine In Nut Country
by JP McKrengels

I went to Columbus with 3 of my college buddies from the University of Michigan and my brother. I've made it back. I'm alive and unharmed physically. However, a once great town in my eyes has forever been tarnished by the fans of The Ohio State University. They are, in the most honest and simple terms, the worst! OSU fans are at the bottom rung of the sports community ladder. I went to Columbus this weekend for some fun loving Inter-state rivalry banter and came home a man disgusted with what he witnessed.

Now of course some of you will say that I'm biased being that I'm a grad of the U of M and to some degree this is true. But this goes beyond wanting "your team" to win. The behavior of the OSU fans and students was violent, hateful, and without any sense of class or dignity. The entire town was a drunken sloppy mess. Every five feet that my 3 friends and I walked, we were shouted at in 3 main varieties of profanity: Fuck Michigan, Michigan Cock-Suckers, Michigan Sucks... you Fag! These same insults were shouted over and over by many different people everywhere we walked. I'm not exaggerating, it was almost like a mantra they had learned. No creativity. Average. Nauseatingly common. This even continued after the game and OSU had won and we were making congratulatory gestures to enthused OSU fans... we just got a drunken "Fuck Michigan" shout in return.

Now I wasn't really phased by these insults... I expected them. Michigan is hated by every Big Ten school. Every game against Michigan is their "Big Game" across the conference. Other schools don't act like this. What pissed me off was the fact that there were young Michigan fathers there with their small children that these insults and slogans were being hurled. I was disgusted with this. I guess though... that my disgust comes more from shock than from offense. I was shocked at the sub-level of the behavior that I experienced. I understand that this is a big rivalry and that big rivalries breed high emotions. But, on the other hand, when Michigan defeated OSU in the last Michigan home game in 1997 and went on to win the National Championship, I was there as a student on campus in the middle of the crowds and celebration, and not one car was set on fire ... Not one beer was dumped on an OSU fan wearing school colors (which happened to Michigan fans this past weekend) ... Grieving OSU fans were not bombarded with constant profanities and insults as they walked back from the game.

One thing has occurred to me that I failed to realize in past years this weekend... and this is that the OSU and the OSU fans are quite possibly suffering from a huge inferiority complex. They have songs that they sing about how much they hate the whole state of Michigan! Michigan fans expect to win every game and when we do, we are reinforced rather than surprised. We are accustomed to a level of performance and excellence not just manifested merely in our football team. Michigan is a great school academically and OSU is not. OSU is not even a good school. It's an average school with average students who perhaps don't know any other way to behave. This was not like a MSU-UofM outing with a good level of good-natured ribbing between rivals. And I'm not upset that UofM lost the game. I was actually partly hoping that OSU would win. This was partly due to the fact that it would mean a Big Ten National Champion but mostly due to my impending bodily harm if OSU had lost. So I'm not writing this out of bad sportsmanship. And while Michigan fans may not be traditionally the best losers, OSU fans are the worst at winning and that's a shame.

talkin' turkey

easily the best pairing since Gary Busey and Rodney Dangerfield...

so gay

so i pull up to a stoplight at the corner of Rochester and 12 Mile road this morning. i'm minding my own beeswax and listening to BT (aka "The Express") on WDFN when this gunmetal grey Audi TT pulls up alongside me. i've always admired the TT because of its graceful yet sleek design, and it got me thinking that there must be some sort of Secret Design Council where people from Audi, Apple and Nintendo sit around and collaborate to create the most visually and ergonomically appealing products that are humanly possible. but that is another tangent for another time ... let me get back to my story. anyhow, i'm staring at this TT idling next to me when the stoplight turns green. the TT speeds off, only to reveal itself as the gayest car in the Metro Detroit area. first of all, there is the tell-tale symbol of overt homosexuality blazened on the bumper, the rainbow bumper sticker. having spent close to nine years in Ann Arbor, obvs this doesn't faze me in the slightest. but what got me laughing out loud was the vanity license plate that read "OUTT". get it? this dude was "OUT" of the closet AND he was driving an Audi "TT", hence his custom "OUTT" plate. when i pulled up alongside this car at the next stoplight, i checked to make sure Siggi wasn't driving the car. thankfully, no Siggi.