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Thursday, June 16, 2005  

Hilary Duff Is Not Quite Old Enough

Hilary Duff ... born without nipples? Well, at least she's got some beautiful choppers! And by "beautiful choppers", I really mean "scariest teeth since Fire Marshall Bill!"[via Superior Pics]

Why do the Kansas City Chiefs keep insisting picking up Detroit Lions Wide Receiver sloppy seconds? First it was Johnnie Morton, now it's Az Hakim. Good luck with that worthless piece of crap, Schlong Vermeil.

For reasons that have yet to be fully revealed, The Fiddler reset The Smoking Gun's March 2004 report of RW:SD's Jamie Chung January 2003 drunk driving arrest. Is there something I don't know?

Uh oh, SPAGHETTI-O'S! LiLo bikini snaps from her recent Mexican vacation with "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis.

The heavyweight war of words betwixt Whacko Jacko White and Chris Handyside has gone international, thanks to those pasty-skinned, crumpet-munching limeys at NME. [via Motor City Rocks]

"Man, this one time, back when I was in high school, I made my sister a mix tape named after a Dead Milkmen song. She was into GnR but I changed all that. Can you believe how fuckin' rad I was? Then, you know, there was this OTHER time when, get this, I made a mix tape that repeated the same song over and over again for the entire length of the cassette. Bet you never did that, didja? While I was listening to Flying Saucer Attack cover a Wire song, you were probably singing along to Mr. Big! Could it be any more apparent that my mix tapes were WAY better than yours? Na na na nah boo boo, you god damn musical ingrate! Go listen to your old Johnny Gill cassingles or something." What you just read was a short synopsis of what it was like to read Brandon Stousy's cooler-than-thou treatise disguised as an essay in this week's Village Voice. Its pukeworthy pretentiousness and entirely shameless pursuit of hipster cred made me retch.

RELATED: If you wanna geek out on the art of playlists and mix tapes and such, might your Uncle Grambo instead recommend that you check out this obsessively nerdy yet altogetherly best evs post by Zac DataWhat?

And you thought Jeff Smoker had problems? Florida State's starting QB, Wyatt Sexton, was trippin' balls and pulled a Russell Hammond after last weekend's Bonaroo Festival. The cops ended up being dropping homeboy off at the hospital after he was picked up for stopping traffic on a busy street, proclaiming that he was God. Hott.

MTV.com has a great article on video game "speed runs", where gamers compete to see who can finish a given video game in the shortest amount of time. Five minutes and nine seconds to complete "Super Mario Bros."??? Insanicus.

I got an idea. Let's stop worrying about stem cells for the moment and instead get some resources assigned to figuring out how to get more calcium and Vitamin D into M&Ms, bonbons, ice cream and all the other crapola that chicks eat. Trust me, it would make ALL of our lives a lot less complicated.

Not only is Darko Milicic a complete waste of space on the Pistons bench, it was recently revealed that the lumbering oaf can't even take care of his dog! According to The DetNews, the Serbian slacker recently paid his next-door neighbor $1,000 to "adopt" his 9-month-old Rottweiler!!! When asked how this scenario came about, the dog's new caretaker, 17-year-old Philipp Von Donop, said that Darko unloaded his dog because "he didn't know it was going to be so much work." Funny how that parallels Darko's NBA career thus far, innit?

posted by Uncle Grambo |

No Description Necessary

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Wednesday, June 15, 2005  

(Pitch) Fork You!

Holy shnikes, peeps. Your Uncle Grambo was just perusing the pages of Meet The Pitchforkers and came across something that literally made me gasp and blurt out "OH MY GAWD!" loud enough for my co-workers to hear ... a perfect 10.0 review! This extremely rare tip of the proverbial Rock Snob cap goes to Mo' Wax for their recent "Deluxe Edition" reissue of DJ Shadow's seminal 1996 masterpiece of proto-hipster bovstacity, "Entroducing."

"But exactly how rare?", you ask. Luckily for the FOW Nation, I did the research — there have been exactly thirty other Perfect 10s. Here's the complete list:

  • 12 Rods: Gay?
    [V2; 1996]

  • Amon Tobin: Bricolage
    [Ninja Tune]

  • And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead: Source Tags and Codes
    [Interscope; 2002]

  • Boards of Canada: Music Has the Right to Children
    [Warp; 1998; r: 2004]

  • Bob Dylan: The Bootleg Series, Vol. 4: Live 1966: The Royal Albert Hall Concert [Columbia/Legacy]

  • Bonnie "Prince" Billy: I See a Darkness
    [Palace; 1999]

  • The Clash: The Essential Clash
    [Epic; 2003]

  • The Clash: London Calling: 25th Anniversary Legacy Edition
    [Epic; 2004]

  • DJ Shadow: Endtroducing... [Deluxe Edition]
    [Mo' Wax; 2005]

  • Elvis Costello & The Attractions: This Year's Model
    [Columbia; 1979; r: Rhino; 2002]

  • The Fall: This Nation's Saving Grace
    [Beggars Banquet; 1985; r: 1997]

  • The Flaming Lips: The Soft Bulletin
    [Warner Bros; 1999]

  • Glenn Branca: The Ascension
    [Acute; 2003]

  • Iggy & The Stooges: Raw Power
    [Columbia; 1973; r: 1996]

  • James Brown: Live at the Apollo [Expanded Edition]
    [King; 1963; r: Polygram; 2004]

  • John Coltrane: The Olatunji Concert: The Last Live Recording
    [Impulse!; 2001]

  • Kiss: Alive!
    [Mercury Remasters Series]

  • Miles Davis: Kind of Blue
    [Columbia; 1959; r: 1997]

  • Miles Davis: Sketches of Spain
    [Columbia; 1959; r: 1997]

  • Pavement: Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain: LA's Desert Origins
    [Matador; 1994; r: 2004]

  • Pavement: Slanted & Enchanted: Luxe & Reduxe
    [Matador; 1992; r: 2002]

  • Pink Floyd: Animals
    [Columbia Reissues]

  • Radiohead: Kid A

  • Radiohead: OK Computer

  • Television: Marquee Moon
    [Elektra; 1977; r: Rhino; 2003]

  • Various Artists: No Thanks!: The 70s Punk Rebellion
    [Rhino; 2004]

  • Velvet Underground: Loaded
    [Atlantic; 1970; r: Rhino; 1997]

  • Walt Mink: El Producto

  • The Who: Odds and Sods
    [MCA Remasters]

  • Wilco: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
    [Nonesuch; 2002]

  • XTC: English Settlement

No doubt about it, that's a solid list, made up of some true gems and a few requisite albums that no one but the snootiest of snooty snoots has ever heard of (I'm looking in your general direction, 12 Rods). Considering the infancy of the site as well as the racial mix of Pitchdork's staff, I guess I'm not too surprised that the only black folk that made the list were 1960s era, drug addicted jazzbo R&B-ers (Coltrane, Davis, James Brown); personally, this blogga CERTAINLY would've added Jigga Man's landmark 2001 jawn, "The Blueprint", to the list. I'm also a little surprised that the recent "Automatic For The People" reissue didn't get a perfect score, but then again, the site never reviewed it. Howevs, at the end of the day, I give two snaps to the high standards that an album must achieve to garner a perfect rating.

After all, perfect albums don't grow on trees. Your Uncle Grambo can only think of a few albums that I consider to be perfect: Liz Phair's "Exile In Guyville", My Bloody Valentine's "Loveless", The Verve's "A Northern Soul", Luna's "Bewitched", and Jay-Z's aforementioned "The Blueprint" ... I've been alive over 30 years and listened to bazillions of records and I've only got five that I could make a compelling argument for. Even "Automatic For The People", a redonkulously solid record, doesn't stand up to my intense scrutiny ("Ignoreland" didn't sound good then and hasn't aged for shit).

Oh, in case you were wondering, I managed to dig up nine 0.0 rankings in The Forkers' archives. And yes, your Uncle Grambo is STILL pissed about that horridly vitriolic review of Liz Phair's self-titled LP. Was it a 10.0? Not even close. But it was certainly closer to a 10.0 than it was to a 0.0. Bozzle.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Tuesday, June 14, 2005  

Get Behind Me, Handyside

Hey there, State Of Mississippi! Nothing like a timely conviction, eh? But seriously, couldn't you at least have waited until "The Sopranos" stopped filming their sixth and final season before putting Ray "Mississippi Burning" Killen on trial? Now who's gonna play Uncle Junior? Capiche?

So, you've probably heard by now that Jack White recently issued a hardcore verbal beatdown to one Chris Handyside, author of last year's Stripes bio, FELL IN LOVE WITH A BAND. Seemingly spurred on by Handyside's undeniably provacative and likely ill-advised Metro Times review of "Get Behind Me Satan", White's temper tantrum includes a less-than-positive review of the book ("Absolute Shit in our opinion") and goes on to brand Handyside as "a Detroit opportunist" ... uh, what? While the former statement is open for discussion (Disclosure: I enjoyed it), the latter is categorically false. Plain and simple. Not only is Chris Handyside is one of the more stand-up gents that your Uncle Grambo has ever had the pleasure of meeting, his background as both a writer and a musician (former member of The Hentchmen, former member of The Dirtbombs) has earned him a well-deserved position of respect in the community.

And while most of the comments in Laura Modern Age's comments section are pro-Jack, I see this as yet another example of Mr. White being a world-class bully with major control issues (in other words, an asshole). If Handyside were truly as skeevy as he is being portrayed, how did he manage to convince just about every important and relevant peer / contemporary of Jack and Meg's (Ben Blackwell, Dan Miller, Wendy Case, Dave Buick, Peabs, et al) to go on the record for the book's publication? How exactly do you consider these "all the wrong people" to interview about the rise of The White Stripes? I don't get it.

That said, I got the new record in the mail on Friday and I haven't stopped listening to it since. I'm thinkin' about my doorbell, when ya gonna ring it, WHEN YA GONNA RING IT? So, after many hours of deliberation, my verdict is Mad Buzz for the record, No Buzz for Wacko Jacko Whizz. Robvs.

Just when you thought pizza had got boring ... pizza in a cone! Too bad you gotsta go to Italy to snag one. [via Springwise]

As I predicted last Wednesday, TVGasm pulled their story of alleged cocaine and diet pill abuse by LiLo.

Your Uncle Grambo has a special message to every one of the 52,000 of you out there who have used the term "Brangelina" ... BAAAAAAAAAA, ya buncha sheep, BAAAAAAAAAA! Worst. Nickname. Ever.

Knight-Ridder is blaming their lackluster Q2 performance on The Freep.

Bad news for those of us headed to see Oasis on Saturday ... Liam walked off stage during a performance in Italy last night! [via Big Matt]

Alex Blagg strikes again: 5 Movies I Wish People Would Stop Quoting.

DFA 1979. QOTSA. NIN. JLA. 10-8-2005.

Anyone else wonder why Meet The Pitchforkers has the world's biggest boner for Thunderbirds Are Now? Check out their exclusive TAN tour diary. Call me old or call me lame, but I'm just not down with Ryan Allen's steez.

On a positive note, at least The `Forkers paid the recent reissue of Kirsty MacColl's "Titanic Days" the proper amount of respect it deserves. Fun fact: I bought both that album and Liz Phair's "Exile In Guyville" during the same Tower Records stop in January `94. Pre-expansion stizz.

"Reputedly, this was the largest cockfight in the United States."

The Picture Of Everything. For maximum intensity, be sure to click on a lot of different sections. Voltron revealed! [via C Friggs]

Destiny's Child is all set to call it quits, but not before collecting what's sure to be TENS OF MILLIONS from Mickey D's for naming their final tour "Destiny Fulfilled ... And Lovin' It." Can you say WRRRRST!

No offense to Scott Stereogum, but this sentence about last weekend's Bonaroo Festival is EXACTLY why your Uncle Grambo wouldn't be caught dead within a 500 mile radius of that hippie douchenozzle fest: "...On Friday afternoon the choices became even more complex, with Alison Krauss and Union Station pitted against sultry young soul belter Joss Stone, then against hip-hop collective Jurassic 5, who likewise competed with folk legend John Prine, alt-country 'bama slammers Drive-By Truckers and vocalist Madeleine Peyroux." Good Lord in heavs, deliver me from evil and lead me not in to temptation! Can you say DOUBLE WRRRRST?!?

Dateline Durstville ... The Killers are collaborating with Louis XIV on "a couple new tracks", according to Louis XIV frontman Jason Hill. Can you say TRIPLE WRRRRST EVS with a side of NO BUZZ?!?!?

Thank Yahweh that Damore is here to save the day. I leave you with what is, without a shadow of a doubt, the single greatest post in the history of The Internerd™, Rant / Rave stizz:

I Hear They Have the Internet on Computers Now
Grade: D

(MySpace and Friendster) are for procrastinators who are afraid to take risks. Meeting new people on the internet is for lazy folk. Talk about taking the fun out of the process--you think you're getting somewhere w/ some hott girl on the net & then bam, your first encounter turns into drinking skunked Miller High Life's at Mel's Bowl-A-Rama in Roseville w/ a stubble-faced tranny. Been there, done that. You want to meet new & interesting people? Get off the couch, go to Harpos & get beat up by the first person who looks cross at you. Oh, you're in a band? Maybe spend less time updating your Myspace site & more time actually learning how to not write terrible songs---booking gigs is a good idea too. Don't even get me started on the dating sites. Want to get some action, try the old fashioned way, being yourself. If that doesn't work, try paying. Talk to members of the opposite sex when the effects of alcohol have lowered their standards so much so that they might consider going out w/ you. The internet is for 3 things only: pornography, Rant Rave & email (in that order). All this other stuff is simply a crutch for people to think that it's improving their lives w/ zero results to show for it.

posted by Uncle Grambo |

Random Snappage

More in a bit, but here are some photos taken over the last six weeks or thereabouts to fill you in on what your Uncle Grambo has been up to. Displayed, for your pleasure, in chronological order.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
"Come on, you can't punk the motherf*cking King of Crunk!"
Lil Jon, foiling an ill-advisod mission by the "Punk'd" crew aboard a private plane
be like mark

get behind me satan - white stripes


sexy beast


children playing before a statue of hercules - edited by david sedaris
adventures w/disposable income
date: 6.12.05
source: Sears
amount: $925.47
(1) White Whirlpool 3.2 cu. ft. Super Capacity Plus Cycle Logic™ Top Load Washer
(1) White Whirlpool 7.0 cu. ft. Super Capacity Plus Gas Dryer

snl season 30
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
jun 16: maximo park @ shelter
jun 17: tigers v. giants @ copa
jun 18: oasis @ meadowbrook
jun 19: slgtm @ magic stick
jun 24: last tourist @ magic bag
jun 26: longwave @ magic stick
jul 1: tigers v. yankees @ copa
jul 15: tigers v. royals @ copa
jul 23-24: lollapalooza @ chi-town
search THIS!

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