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Thursday, May 19, 2005  

More Like The WB-est!

Hands down, the best news to come out of this week's TV network up fronts is that The WB made the very wise decision to bring back "What I Like About You" for a fourth season! The Frog granted the patron saint of whatevs.org, Miss Amanda Bynes, the chance to fight another day despite underwhelming ratings. Which, frankly, she needs ... "Lovewrecked" is still without a release date or distribution deal. WORST!

Actually, as long as we're talking about WORST, your Uncle Grambo feels compelled to mention this flaming pile of dogshit. Brett Ratner is shooting a video for the Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis produced cover of "These Boots Are Made For Walking" as sung by Jessica Simpson. Talk about a triple socow of supercillious suckage! As if that's not worst ever enough for you, the video features a cameo by Willie Nelson! "Dursts Of Hazzard" is more like it!

Switching gears, be sure and check out Nummer's tremendously solid review of last weekend's Mercury Rev show that appeared earlier this week over on Motorcityrocks.com. This fan is disappointed to learn that The Rev failed to play "In A Funny Way", yet again. But still, the review and pics are way hott.

"Get him on the court and he's trouble / Last night Steve Nash messed around and got a triple-double / Freakin' brothas every way like MJ / I can't believe today was a good day." All apologies to O'Shea Jackson, y'all.

What are you up to this eve? After the Pistons game, I suggest heading down to Alvin's to catch The Prime Ministers, The Silent Years and Last Tourist. It's sure to be a good night of rock n roll! If you're in the dancin' mood and wanna cell-a-brate good times COME ON, might I also suggest heading over to Oslo for We R DJ (as "curated" by Betty Marie Best and Nathaniel Burgundy IV)? Either way, it's better than sitting at home and watching Noah Wyle's painfully overdue exit from "E.R." But wait a second, DANNY GLOVER guest stars! That up and changes everything!

Loftus reviews the new jawn from ICP for the all-mighty and all-knowing AMG. RELATED: The new greatest hits record from Paul Westerberg wins the 2005 Grahammy Award for "Album Title Most Clearly Influenced By Uncle Grambo's Goofy Patois" ... ladies and germs, I give you "Besterberg"!!!

Topher Grace joins the cast of "Spiderman 3" ... your Uncle Grambo knows at least one person who's all of a sudden weak in the knees. RELATED: Keri "Felicity" Russell to be cast in "MI:3"? That news makes me weak in the knees.

My favorite Canadians, The Cowboy Junkies, cover not one but TWO Bruce Springsteen songs on their new long-player. Look for both "Brothers Under The Bridge" and "You're Missing" on "Early 21st Century Blues." Has there ever been a more heavenly voice than the one possessed by Margo Timmins? Methinks that answer is nyet.

Tired of Gawker v. Radar? Then try Arial v. Helvetica on for size. Yes, as in the fonts. Yes, I am a dork beyond compare. [via The Real Janelle]

Can a blogga give it up for Slate? Your Uncle Grambo has been SERIOUSLY diggin' on Edward Jay Epstein's weekly posts about Hollywood economics. Even though most would be bored senseless learning how weekend B.O. estimates have surprisingly little bearing on a film's ultimate profitability or the process Arnold Schwarzenegger's accounts used to define "cash break-even" status during negotiations for "Terminator 3", this reader was thoroughly intrigued. So much so that I have queued up Epstein's book, The Big Picture: The New Logic of Money and Power in Hollywood in my Amazon Wishlist.

What comes after Chapter Five? Someone be sure and ask Shockeys & Durstman.

Wait wait wait, you're telling me that women are more likely than men to regret casual sex? Get OUT!

(Before you read the final post of the night, picture this for me: Nancy Kerrigan lying on the floor of Cobo Hall wailing like a little beeyatchabatuka, just after getting bopped in the knee with some sort of billy club type object by one of Jeff Gillooly's stooges.)


EPILOGUE: Now I know EXACTLY how Nancy felt that cold January day in The D™. Empathy is a bitch, yo. Damn you, Nike! Damn you straight to hell!

posted by Uncle Grambo |

Fact Check Much?

It looks to this blogga like some of the developers over at EA Sports are asleep at the wheel. The home page for Madden NFL 06 launched yesterday with a lead banner graphic that features Green Bay Packer QB Brett Favre being bumrushed by Detroit Lions DE Robert Porcher. While I'm happy that my hometown Lie-Downs are getting some overdue propers from the gaming community, this graphic is a major disappointment considering that Porcher retired last November. State of the art my ASS! What's next, will Crazy Legs Hirsch make the cover? DEVELOPING!

posted by Uncle Grambo |

Grazing Is What Cows Do

v. grazed, graz·ing, graz·es
v. tr.
1. To touch lightly in passing; brush.
2. To scrape or scratch slightly; abrade.

Grazed? Er, not so much. Despite his assertion that "(the stunt) didn't turn out quite how they expected", some prankster scored the Shot Of The Century with a full-on Denton cream pie (*cough cough*) during last night's Radar launch party. These shots (credit PMC) prove it. So hott in herrrre! Though, admittedly, not nearly as hott as the time that I ALMOST did the same thing to JP McKrengels, circa Summer 2001. Even though the pie never left my hands, it was without a doubt the highlight of this young century. Mozzlebovs!

Your Uncle Grambo apologizes for the lack of PHC this week, I've been swampholio'd at The Office. I promise a big fat greek update chock fulla PHC tonight, Vardalos stizz. Oh, and if you think that Denton getting a pie in the face isn't news, DRUDGE THINKS OTHERWISE!!! Thanks to DK for sending me these photos first thing this AM ... mars.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Tuesday, May 17, 2005  

"Hey Gawker ... Come Out and Play-ayyyy!"

[WARNING: The following post is going to be VERY inside baseball. People who don't give a rat's arse about blogs should just move on. There's nothing to see here.]

And boom goes the dynamite! Remember the climactic fight scene between Rocky Balboa and Clubber Lang in "Rocky III"? You know, when Clubber kept throwing uppercut after uppercut yet couldn't knock Rocky down? Well, that abuse is entirely analogous to the punishment that Gawker has been issuing Radar for the last few weeks. Body blow begat body blow, uppercut begat uppercut. Gawker was issuing baseball bat beatdowns to Maer Roshan's baby, in utero stizz. But before Nick Denton could scream out "FINISH HIM!", Radar struck back with a fast kick to the proverbial nutsack.

Late yesterday afternoon, the (sorta) fledgling Radar set their sights squarely on The Dentonverse™. Retaliating to Gawker's scathing critique of their new issue, the folks at Radar struck back, and struck back with sumpin' fierce. In less than 330 words, they revealed that Choire Sicha is leaving the franchise, they accused Ana Marie Wonkette of basically being an absentee landlord, they shit on the underwhelming launches of Denton properties like Gridskipper and Kotaku, outed Gawker's anonymous guest blogger as a Newsweek staffer, and called Denton himself a "Blog queen." ME-OW! Cat Scratch Fever 2005!

Now what does all this mean? To you and me, probably not much. But to the "journalism community" (and your Uncle Grambo uses that term v.v. loosely), this is tantamount to the computer in "WarGames" asking Matty Broderick "Shall we play a game?" The gauntlet has been thrown. The hunters have become the hunted. The shoe is on the other foot. Pick the cliché that you feel is most appropriate. But any way you slice it, the goings-on behind closed doors of The Dentonverse™ now seem to be in the public domain. I'm sure that this was bound to happen at some point, and it should be noted that Denton has enjoyed a three-year run of near 100% positive press. But it's notable that now, after all these years (and after a much ballyhooed catfight between Foxy Jess and Lizzie Spiers never came to fruition), there's a new kid on the block who's willing to pick a fight with the heretofore untouchable Gawker Media empire.

It's also worth mentioning that FishbowlNY has yet to even acknowledge this story. Isn't this exactly the kind of inside baseball that Spiers and co. profess to specialize in? Seems to me that, in the past, they haven't had any problem reporting that writers / editors / publishers have jumped from one ship to another (or, worse yet, been fired) ... so what gives?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled PHC. And by "now", I really mean "probably tomorrow." Until then, bovs on each of your respective tees. Dude jones.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Monday, May 16, 2005  

Viva Hipster Pudenda

Porn and hipsters. Upon first glance, the two seem like relatively disparate entities. But when you spend as much time on The Internerd™ as your Uncle Grumbo, the discerning eye recognizes that some shrewd marketers have realized that the pairing represents an untapped market of symbiotic (and sometimes sapphic) hottness.

The foremothers of this movement are, of course, the NSFW Suicide Girls. But for those of us who prefer our dames sans horrific dragon tattoos and My Chemical Romance-eseque abusive eyeliner, there's an semi-underground market of fully clothed hipster hotties who revel in fully SFW poses.

Take, for instance, the runaway success of The Cobra Snake. Some dude in LA with an inexpensive haircut and an expensive camera has become semi-famous by snapping snaps of adorably coked-up mamacitas and posting them in The Dentonverse™ for all to see. And, as a result, the brilliant blogga known as Skeet On Mischa has made his name by relentlessly combing that site's archives in search of Tender Ronis worth praising in his near poetic and popcult savvy verse (witness this epic post). Both of these gents realized there was an untapped desire to take pictures of (and subsequently comment on) sex kittens who prefer Modest Mouse to Ratt; and for that, my friends, your Uncle Grambo thanks you. Bravo!

And then there is the case of American Apparel. The Los Angeles-based clothing company takes great pride in proclaiming that their clothes are both "sweatshop free" and "brand-free", while at the same time taking equal pride in utilizing a banner ad campaign centered entirely on photographing anonymous Baberaham Lincolns in varying states of undress. Amateur porn style. Witness, for example, their depiction of stretch cotton hot shorts. Not only is the page overflowing with personality-free pudenda (almost none of their stills reveal the subject's face), but there's also a streaming video of a mostly undressed and redonkulously hott Asian girl eating cold pizza in an early morning sunsoaked kitchen while wearing pink stretch cotton hot shorts. Isn't this basically the same kind of shit that got Calvin Klein in nine kinds of trouble during the mid `90s?

Either way, the verdict is this: I LOVE IT! Keep it up, Solid Snake and Evil, Amateur Porn Loving CEO Genius of American Apparel. Is there anything better than cruising for SFW Hotties at the office? Me thinks not. BOW!

"I'm definitely stressed out, BITCH!" Dave Chappelle finally speaks ... to Time Magazine!?! Shouldn't that exclusive gone to Vibe or The Source or Ed Bradley or something?

Pretending to bang Tom Cruise sure has its perks, eh? Sienna Miller, who had been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming film "Factory Girl", got dumped in favor of Tom Cruise's current beard pincushion Katie Holmes. Man, I never thought our little Midwestern gal (holla atcha, Toledo!) would turn into a cold-hearted, conniving Hollyweird beeyatchabatuka.

Lion's Gate + Horror = BEST! "Skinwalkers" revealed.

Interested in blog ethics? Yeah, me neither. But in case you are, you should read Krucoff on Spiers on Cohen in a three-way of journalistic nerdfoolery.

Mmmmm. White rum.

Riddle me this. Why does Renny Harlin get to keep making movies while Jan de Bont's curriculum vitae continues to gather dust? You can't possibly tell me that "Speed 2: Cruise Control" was any worse than "Cutthroat Island"!

Speaking of which, is there anyone in Hollyweird at the moment whose career is colder than Christian Slater? Both of the films that Mr. Slater has appeared in this year, "Mindhunters" and "Alone In The Dark", are among the three lowest grossing (in terms of opening weekend per screen average) films given a wide release this year.

Color me interested. Cat Keener is on the market. Glad she finally came to the realization there are about 70 zillion better ways she could spend the rest of her rather than getting repeatedly humped by Dermot Mulroney.

The Freep just launched The Detroit Free Press Movieblog. Surprise surprise, they launched it with NO CONTENT! Well, that's not exactly true ... It launched late last week with test copy. Thanks to the magic of Google cache, you can experience the durstosity for yourself! Either way, this blog can't hold a candle to what The DetNews has done with RantRave ... "Star Wars" hubcaps revealed!

Finally, The Freep has revealed the results of their Albom Investigation. My question is this ... why bother? You devoted the time, the energy, the resources and nearly 5500 words to an investigation that carries almost no merit! Sure, Mitch was suspended (with pay, I might add) for nearly a month, but then subsequently was let off the hook by Freep Executive Editor Carole Leigh Hutton ... BEFORE the investigation had been completed! Now I've been critical of Mitch Al-Bomb in the past, but I don't believe this was a firing offense. Howevs, I am very wary of the way that this problem was resolved by The Freep and the message the faux resolution sends to the paper's readers AND employees. In the end, those in charge of the investigation decided, at the end of the day, to look the other way. I guess in the hallways of 600 Fort Street, due diligence ultimately equates to window dressing.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
"It is nice to have some musical diversity in Detroit, but I personally would rather listen to a non-existent Von Bondies b-sides album to Pawn Shoppe Heart over this ... In the meantime I'll keep listening to WK thank you very much."
Damore positively DESTROYS the new album from Greenstreet over on the DetNews Rant / Rave blog
be like mark

yankee hotel foxtrot - wilco


sledge hammer! - season two


the innocent - harlan coben
adventures w/disposable income
date: 5.14.05
source: Elysium
amount: $???
(plenty of) assorted alcoholic bevvies

snl season 30
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
may 19: prime ministers wsg last tourist @ alvins
may 20: lcd soundsystem @ majestic
may 26 - 31: cross country hottness
jun 3: kraftwerk @ state theatre
jun 3: tigers v. orioles @ copa
jun 10: ivy @ magic stick
jun 11: prime ministers @ berkley front
jun 17: tigers v. giants @ copa
jun 18: oasis @ meadowbrook
jun 24: last tourist @ magic bag
jul 1: tigers v. yankees @ copa
jul 15: tigers v. royals @ copa
jul 23-24: lollapalooza @ chi-town
search THIS!

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