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Colin Farrell

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by Nummer and H-Bomb

Episode 7: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters (12/11/04)

FOUR CONEYS! = John Belushi
THREE CONEYS! = Amy Poehler
TWO CONEYS! = Tim Meadows
ONE CONEY! = Melanie Hutzel
HALF A CONEY! = Charles Rocket
No CONEYS! = Self-Explanatory

Farrell Buzz
Scissor Sisters Buzz

0-10 Coneys – Garbage
11-20 Coneys – Needs Improvement
21-30 Coneys – Average
31-40 Coneys – Above Average
41-50 Coneys - Instant Classic
51+ Coneys - Unparalleled Comic Genius

OAD = Original Air Date*

(*To be fair, coneys will be awarded the same as they were the first time they aired)


“I shit you not”, this has been the worst episode of Season 30 to date. As if Farrell’s weak acting skills during most of the show weren’t enough to convince you, swearing during the closing credits proved just how cocky and unprofessional he really is. After faked shock reaction, followed by smiling approvals from Lindsay Lohan and a few Scissor Sisters members, Lorne and crew immediately went to black and ended the show slightly before the 1:00 AM mark. I’m glad the Ashlee Simpsons and Colin Farrells of the world continue to treat the show with respect by generating such good press for this latest season.

Aside from the re-appearance of Ferecito (last seen Snoop Dogg/Avril Lavigne 5/8/04), the sketches haven’t been this poor since the later episodes of last season. Apparently having three weeks off between episodes does little to recharge the cast. 7 of the 13 segments in tonight’s episode ranked in the 0-1 coney range.

  1. Rumsfeld Cold Opening: After a great showing in recent episodes, Hammond apparently had to phone this one in. He timing was so off that I seriously think he was reading the material for the first time as he was performing it. While last minute writing can be a common SNL practice, making it this obvious hurts the show. The kiss of death really came when a line delivered by Finesse Mitchell got the biggest laugh.

  2. Roach Problem: This came just a little too soon after Armisen’s “Jasper the Parrott” sketch for my taste. Punchlines like Farrell’s “I got roach guts on my good shirt” just weren’t cutting it.

  3. Airport Security: This ranks up there with Poehler’s worst. Why does she continue to roll out these types of sketches whenever there is a young and popular male host? Is Poehler really that horny? Even Farrell’s The Cult shirt couldn’t garner a coney

  4. Key Party: Was repeating the names and safe words so many times supposed to be the comedy anchor of this sketch? Aside from Forte’s “John George Peppers”, Armisen’s “Victor” and Horatio’s “CONNIE”, this was nothing but annoying.

  5. Window Washer: Keenan’s voice and reactions were funny, but overall this just didn’t go anywhere. However, it is good to know that the two rules of skyscraper external window washing are A) no cologne and B) one person per plank.

  6. Merv the Perv: This is the third time Parnell has rolled out this disgusting character (second with the animated opening). With all the inappropriate and over-the-top pregnant humor, this installment proved to be the worst yet.

  7. Scissor Sisters: “Comfortably Numb”: After impressing me with their catchy first song, I regrettably now know what Pink Floyd would have sounded like if the band had been made up of a few Bee Gees and Jamiroquai. I wonder what David Gilmour and Roger Waters are thinking right about now? Note to bands: If your name isn’t Catherine Wheel, reconsider Pink Floyd covers.

With over half the show in the garbage can, is it possible for the Farrell episode to be remembered for anything? Thankfully, yes. Farrell’s dating advice during his monologue was pretty funny – girls do love cigarette and whisky breath. And did anyone else catch Farrell adlib to Seth Meyers “maybe you could get with one of those girls?” after introducing Scissor Sisters (who only has one female member)? Best.

The aforementioned Ferecito sketch was also very well done. Farrell’s shining moment of the night was re-enacting Bono’s performance from last episode. And even though Ferecito’s “iPod” reminded me of those wonderful Sabra Shopping sketches from the early nineties, it still got me laughing.

Ex-Red Wing Brett Hull’s cameo on Weekend Update was damn funny as well. He explained that same-sex marriage is tolerated in Canada because “That’s what happens in Canada when there’s no hockey”. Poehler and Fey then had some fun as Teen Counselors to Lindsay Lohan as well. I do wish that Fey would lay off the Bill O’Reilly jokes though. Let it go!

In summary, I can’t say I’m surprised the episode tanked. Let’s hope DeNiro has better luck on the next episode.

Farrell, you stupid ass!! Just when I was feeling that perhaps this week’s show wasn’t the complete disaster I was anticipating, you had to go and break out the swears during the goodbyes. Come on, “I shit you not”?? Yes, Colin, those are actual cameras filming you on live television. You aren’t at some crappy bar, swigging whisky and chain-smoking, trying to pick up the next seventeen year old floozy with your Irish-accented profanity and stupid eyebrows. Apparently Farrell felt himself above the crackdowns made by the FCC. And was it just me, or did Farrell look completely confused during the monologue when the audience would break into laughter at his “jokes,” as if he had forgotten there were real live people watching him up on stage. All in all, this episode, while yielding some funny moments, felt mostly disjointed and randomly thrown together, which led to some rather boring and hard to follow sketches.

Referring back to my pre-show comments, I was certain that there would be at least one or two skits centering on Farrell’s knack for pounding back the ole pints. Luckily, with the exception of his monologue which briefly commented on Farrell’s “personal, sexy fragrance of cigarette breath and whisky,” that didn’t seem to be the case. Instead we got more of his womanizing traits, as shown again in the monologue and sketches like Merv the Perv, as well as the popular idea (although I don’t see it in the least) that “Oh my God, Colin Farrell is so HOT,” where we’re subjected to skits like Airport Security and, you guessed it, the monologue. I guess I’m glad that these were the only sketches concerning Farrell’s attitude toward booze and women, since the rest of the show contained fairly original ideas. That’s not to say that any of them stood out as an amazing sketch, quite the opposite really, as they were all pretty mediocre, but at least the show didn’t pound the same idea into the ground.

If I were to pick the highlights of this show, it would have to be Weekend Update and !Show Biz Grande Explosion! with Fericito. Albeit quite long, I thought Weekend Update was pretty funny this week. It seemed that most of the jokes were decent and apart from the whole gay play on words idea with Farrell describing his movie Alexander, the guest bits were actually quite humorous. I got a kick out of Brett Hull’s theory of gay marriages in Canada being directly correlated to the absence of hockey this year. Fey and Poehler’s bit on mentoring Lindsay Lohan as part of the Team Mentoring Program of America was also amusing, although I’m not quite sure what Lohan was even doing on the show. I was extremely annoyed and disheartened with the blatant plug of her upcoming movie and new album, which also led to her frank admission that “everyone’s doing it,” meaning all the young actresses are crossing over into music, whether they have a true passion for it or not. Yeah, that really catapults you that much higher on my respect scale, Lohan. But, I digress. Back to the other funny sketch of the night, which was Fericito and his talk show !Show Biz Grande Explosion!. Armisen, of course, is always good as the drum-playing comedian, but I actually got the most laughs out of Sanz playing band leader Manuel and Farrell, who did a great job portraying U2’s Bono. I really enjoyed Sanz’s “fartilitos,” as well as him asking Farrell if he was a California Raison because he wore his sunglasses indoors. Farrell actually had me laughing out loud with his rendition of Vertigo, complete with jumping around and lunging at the camera.

Unfortunately, as far as real laughs go, Weekend Update and Fericito were the sole survivors. The rest of the sketches, including both of Scissor Sisters’ performances, were only on the scale of either 2 coneys or below. I found Scissor Sisters to be somewhat enjoyable. They were catchy and fun to watch, but at the same time, were borderline annoying and overly dramatic. Roach Problem might have been funnier had it not followed so closely on the heels of the hilarious Jasper the Parrot sketch from the Neeson episode. Let’s face it, Sanz is no Armisen when it comes to animal imitations. Sanz just looked and acted like Sanz, except he was in a giant roach costume. And when I mentioned earlier about the show being disjointed, this sketch was a prime example. The delivery was so sloppy, I wouldn’t have been surprised if the material was being made up right then and there. The same goes for the cold opener with Hammond playing Donald Rumsfeld. His lines seemed to be off just enough so that you never really knew where the punch line was supposed to be, which was pretty evident by the scant laughter in the audience. Wrapping up the final below average sketches were Key Party, Window Washers and Pat ‘n Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack, which were all equally uneventful. The only exceptions with these skits were Forte’s and Fey’s John George and Misty Peppers (“Popcorn!”) in Key Party, Keenan’s “Damn you, crows! You’re not gonna take him like you took Jimmy!!” in Window Washers and Farrell’s surprising knack at the stupid crazy rhymes in Pat ‘n Pattie’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack.

As I previously stated, this week’s show with host Colin Farrell seemed highly disorganized, with only one or two sketches providing any real humor. Had that not been the case, I believe this episode would’ve been much better than it was. I hate to admit it, but Farrell really wasn’t that bad of a host. Of course, the swearing at the end immediately took away the slight likeability he seemed to build throughout the show. Overall though, I’m not too disappointed since I wasn’t really expecting a good show anyways.



1. Cold Opening: CNN: Donald Rumsfeld Q&A
Premise: Troops in Kuwait get a chance to question the Secretary of Defense


2. Monologue: Farrell (cameo: Lindsay Lohan)


3. Commercial Parody: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover
OAD: 5/1/04


4. Sketch: Roach Problem
Premise: Oversized roaches infest a New York apartment


5. Sketch: !Show Biz Grande Explosion!
Premise: Recurring sketch in which Ferecito hosts a talk show


6. Sketch: Airport Security
Premise: A female security guard takes advantage of her job duties


7. Music: Scissor Sisters “Take Your Mama”


8. Weekend Update
Guests: Lindsay Lohan, Brett Hull and Colin Farrell


9. Sketch: Key Party
Premise: Couples get to know each other at a swingers party


10. Sketch: Window Washer News Story
Premise: A TV reporter attempts a news story with a high-rise building window washer


11. Sketch: Pat N’ Patti’s Slacks, Snacks and Knick Knack Shack
Premise: Infomercial on store specializing in slacks, snacks, etc.


12. Music: Scissor Sisters “Comfortably Numb”


13. Merv the Perv
Premise: Recurring sketch about a “pervert” trying to pick up girls



18 / 52 Coneys

18.5 / 52 Coneys

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