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Friday, January 14, 2005  

Night Of The Living Baseheads

Man, why does the mainstream media have to give drug overdoses such a bad rap? It's always Len Bias this or River Phoenix that ... frankly, all their negativity is making me thirsty. How come we never hear about the bright side of doing too much blow (or glass, in this case) and then ending up in a hospital? Take, for example, the case of porn starlet Gia Paloma. After spending a night in hospital custody after overdosing in Vegas last weekend, she woke up and HEADED DIRECTLY TO AN AUTOGRAPH SIGNING!!! Then, later that night, SHE WON THE AVN AWARD FOR BEST NEW STARLET!!! This, my friends, is why porn chicks rule. Well, that and the fact that they're easy. Duhvs. [via Fleshbot]

Nice arse, but tiny girls have no buzzDesperate housewife Eva Long-WHORE-ia is (allegedly) banging San Antonio Spurs frogman Tony Parker. Memo to Oliver Saint-Jean (aka Tariq Abdul-Wahid): Hey, remember me? I used to see you eating in South Quad all the time. Anyway, You should TOTALLY try to get them digits. I mean, HE'S a French basketball player, YOU'RE a French basketball player ... see where I'm going with this? Just be sure to throw some of the leftovers in your Uncle Grambo's direction, d'accord? Le shmears.

Guess who's back? Let's hope Pistons fans show some respect and give our boy Grant a standing-O this eve, even though he punk'd us all those years ago.

The Top 40 Worst Albums Of 2004. Fans of Joanna Newdurst, Franzia Ferdistan and Fiery Furn-ASSES best look elsewhere. Probably the best list your Uncle Grambo has ever read, but somehow I can't help feeling like it would've been better if Damore was the author. [via Data Whizzut?]

On the strength of blog buzz and ending up on more than their fair share of critics' Top 10 lists, Arcade Fire finally cracks the Billboard 200. Pretty impressive for a band with Napoleon Dynamite on lead xylophone.

Team MCR profiles last weekend's big showcase gig. Mr. Gary revealed!

Nikki Kidman vs. Wong Kar-Best? BEST! [via Golden Fiddle My Skiddle]

Remember The Sleazy Senorita, Rebecca Loos? You know, the one who slept with David Beckham? She just got a new pair of DD's. Never a bad thing.

Scenestars managed to get their hands on an advance copy of the upcoming Idlewild jawn, "Warnings/Promises", and rewards you, the websurfer, with an mp3 of the first single. Gertrude Stein said that's enough.

Finally, who's in for the Motor City BuffyCon in June? I'm kinda sorta serious about this, it could be a RIOT going to a Buffy convention. Giles is gonna be there, Xander is gonna be there, The Trio is gonna be there ... could be kinda best. Hey Trent, if you go, keep a brotha posted.

And, with that, I'm off for the land of mudslides for the weekend! Hopefully, I'll see you at Jumbo's! Check back here after the Golden Globes for some piping hott buzzaroni. Toodles!

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Thursday, January 13, 2005  

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

They're coming out of their cage and they're doing just FINE! 2005's number one breakout blog band, The Killers, are perhaps best known as the authors behind New York Times best seller, "How To Spin Ultragrrrl slash Karen Plus Sparks Buzz Into A Major Label Deal Despite Being Mormon." Let's just hope that their performance doesn't rival the "1972 indio back-alley abortion clinic" that threatened to ruin the Coachella 2K4 by bringing out the Atkins Tabernacle Choir again. Memo to Brandon Flowers: SUCK IT!

But hey, don't take my word for it! It's about time to go straight to the country's pre-eminent SNL experts*, Nummer and H-Bomb, for their patented Pre-Show Comments. Obvs!

NUMMERH-BOMB
Episode 9: Topher Grace / The Killers (1/16/05)

The first show after a holiday break can be hit or miss. Last season's Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas episode was a snoozer, but 2003's Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne cranked out some of the best sketches of that entire season (over here).

Things looked promising when Jennifer Garner was announced to be hosting this year's first new episode. Since her 2003 episode wasn't a total bust, I was looking forward to seeing her host again. Then illness stepped in and virtually all her publicity stops for "Elektra", including SNL, were axed. This opened the curtain for 26-year old Topher Grace to step in as the replacement. Although I haven't seen much of "That '70s Show", he did beat out Tad Hamilton for a date with Kate Bosworth last year. Since he is a comedic actor by association, hopefully SNL won't be too much of a stretch for him.

I have to say The Killers should be semi-worthwhile as well. Despite their amp catching on fire when I saw them open for Morrissey last summer, their music was tolerable. Not many can argue that "Somebody Told Me" wasn't one of the better singles from 2004. FYI: Topher Grace = "Replacement" Host and Musical Guest = "Killers". Put that together, and you have a "Replacement Killers" reset. Have the stars yet again aligned in Chow Yun-Fat's favor, 1998 style?

I have to admit, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the prospect of watching Jennifer Garner take another shot at hosting this week, so I have absolutely no complaints with Topher Grace coming on board as her replacement. It's not that I don't like Garner, I just wasn't all that impressed with her SNL debut last season and would've preferred to see a fresh face take a shot at the hosting duties. For some reason, Grace seems like a great choice. I used to watch "That 70's Show" quite a bit and have always found Grace to be very entertaining. He's a young actor who is actually good at what he does and isn't constantly thrown in our faces by the media, which in my book, is a plus for the show. I'm honestly looking forward to seeing what his comedic skills bring to the sketches this week.

As for The Killers, I wouldn't exactly say I'm a huge fan, but they'll probably be decent to watch. And hey, if they're good enough for Seth Cohen, they're good enough for me.


*After all, who did THE NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES call when they needed a comment? That's right, bitches ... step to THIS!

posted by Uncle Grambo |
 

Grambo Can Be Found Elsewhere

Your Uncle Grambo was lucky enough to draw the assignment as Guest Editor of Fluxblog today, one of The Internerd's™ most highly respected mp3 blogs ... check it! I apply my patented buzztascity to hott new tracks from The Prime Ministers and The Holy Fire. But just like that case of chylmidia that you picked up during Spring Break `94, I'll be back ... don't you worry. In the meantime, please join me in welcoming Golden Fiddle back to The Blogosphere™! HOLLA!

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Wednesday, January 12, 2005  

So Blue

Rock Chalk Jayhawk

"So blue / Why donít you stay behind? / So blue / Why donít you stop and look at whatís going down?" And by "what's going down", I really mean "start going down ... on me! Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to YOU, Miss Ashley Blue. These pants aren't going to take THEMSELVES off, ya know!"

Thank you, Randy WestSchmobvs, Lord knows that your Uncle Grambo would rather be posing for pics with Taylor Rain at the 2005 Adult Entertainment Expo (Vegas stizz) than slaving away here in The D™ (North American Auto Show stizz). But hey, how can I really complain? Any day porn stars show up on Getty Images is a day to give thanks for. Speaking of which, now that Jenna has pulled a Nicky Hilton, some say she's never looked classier (or sexier). Think they'll update the requisite sundries?

Little known fact about women's breasts. The desirability of tees has a direct correlation to the ratio betwixt her cup size and waistline. Small cup sizes can be acceptable with small waists (and sometimes even preferred), but the general rule is that the larger the ratio, the hotter the bod. Take the example of Jenna (as pictured above) versus the NSFW tatts of Brigitte Nielson, British "Big Brother" stizz. Both have double d's, but where would you prefer to bovs? Just utilize your powers of deduction in conjunction with my highly scientific Tee-Factor Theorem, and VOILA. The answer is obvs. And while advanced disciples of Uncle Grambo also understand the importance of back width into this equation, that's another conversation for those of you who graduate to my 400 level classes.

Has one man EVER been more right about ANYTHING in his life? Bless you Joey ToTC, your excellent condemnation of those who double grade on The Black List serves as an inspiration to us all! Final item, yo.

I've never quite understood while Coolfer is so widely scorned and derided in The Blogosphere™. Personally, your Uncle Grambo has always found his arguments to be concise and focused, while his choice of topics always seems to generate good conversation. Take, for example, his list of The Most Overblogged Bands. Great topic, well thought out material ... so why the haterade? I got your back, Glenn. She mars on your Sac Kings.

T-minus eight days until the Motown Winter Blast and there seems to be more holes in the schedule than there were actual holes in the movie "Holes", Shia LaBoeuf stizz. Is that a disaster I smell?

Best headline evs? "Hybrid Buzz" (as featured in this week's Metro Times).

"You get a car minivan! You get a car minivan! You get a car minivan! EVERY BODY GETS A CAR MINIVAN!" Doesn't have quite the same ring to it, eh?

The Navy Seals have a credo that they follow religiously, "Leave no man behind." Memo to Michigan State University field trip organizers: Next time you make a trip to Peru with helpless undergrads, keep that in mind, ok? WORST!

Ricardo Villalobos is fucking BEST! Glad to see that Pitchfork agrees.

What does Lil Jon say? Oh yeah, "Yyyyy-eeeaaaaahhhhh!" (NSFW)

Brrrr-ring! Brrrr-ring! Yes, Department of Shockingly Misleading Yet Oh So Very True Headlines, Uncle Grambo speaking. Wait, what's that? You need a headline for this picture? How about "Lindsay Lohan is with child ... iously!"? You like it? You're welcome, Frau Min!

Look for this book to hit the remainder bins everywhere this weekend. Natch. [via Pangborn]

Look for Joe Crawford, who reneged on a verbal commitment to play ball for Tommy Amaker last year only to quit the Kentucky basketball team last weekend, to become the most disappointing homegrown hoop talent since Winfred Walton. Or maybe Terrence Roberson. Or maybe Willie Mitchell. Or for those that go WAY back, Antoine Joubert. But then again, he DID play four full years at Michigan. The Pudge revealed.

And finally, look for the national spotlight to shine on the armpit of Detroit this evening. Yes, believe it or not, there are actually areas of Detroit that are total shitholes. Impossible to believe, I know! Howevs, those from around these parts know that it doesn't get any more durst than Downriver. Some trashy tramp from Taylortucky is going to be on ABC's "Wife Swap" this eve. Both The Grizz and Captain Video interviewed this woman for their respective fishwraps. Which reminds me, when is your Uncle Grambo going to graduate to the small screen? Any golf calendars? Shmears.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Tuesday, January 11, 2005  

A Rush Of Buzz To The Head

Bullet stizz, in order to maximize the ratio betwixt "buzz revealed" and "Uncle Grambo free time." Natch-U-Rally.

  • Welcome to Dumpsville™, baby. Population Jennifer Pitt. Hopefully, these SHOCKING events will teach women once and for all that their place is in the home, NOT in the workplace. Careers are for dudes, duhvs! Haven't you read The King James Bible? "And thou shall let thy husband bovs on thy respective tees for forty days and forty nights, or until his rocket sauce runs dry."

  • Old news? E!'s Giula DePukey dumped Jerry O'Connell because he hooked up with Ginger Spice? What kind of Z-List party has those three washups on the guest list, anyway?

  • Coachella is dead, dude. U2 and Coldplay STRONGLY rumoured as co-headliners for 2005. What, no Bloc Party?

  • If you're interested in both dancing to sweaty and sleazy rhythms AND donating your hard earned flow to charity, Dorkwave Inc. will be throwing down in The D™ this Friday night. All benefits will go to those who got tsurrrved by the tsunami (by way of Architecture For Humanity's Project Rebuild).

  • Could Vegas be any MORE appealing? Some say yes, especially now that there's a BW3 in town. Fuck yeah, who doesn't like Buffalo Wild Wings? With any luck, they'll have topless waitresses doling out wet naps by the doz. REVILED!

  • Angry residents put the brakes on bringing minor league baseball to the City Of Tomorrow, Today (aka Troy, MI). Which reminds me, I still prefer The Capital City Goofball to the antics of Dancing Homer, "Baby Elephant Waltz" or not.

  • From the pages of The New York Times comes THIS doozy of a sentence: "(It) is like ice cream, Valium and Ecstasy all wrapped up in two pretty packages." Let's hear it for BREAST MILK! Best invention since cotton candy?

  • Finally, looks like Garry Shandling is back on the drugs. Why else would he be spotted on The Cobrasnake partying with hipsters EASILY thirty years his junior? Is he having flashbacks from when he played Artie in "Hurlyburly"? Just for the taste of it, Diet Coke! [via Skeet On Mischa]

posted by Uncle Grambo |
 

You Know The Sisters, The Party Sisters?

Please enjoy these selected photos from Saturday night's EPIC Motor City Rocks / whatevs.org showcase at Small's in Hamtramck, featuring Hairshirt, The Javelins and Last Tourist. More buzz to follow momentarily!

Is that hair on your shirt or are you just happy to see me?

Hairshirt revealed. When was the last time women threw their panties at YOU? Trapper Keepers!

Wish I had a photo of that Rickenbacker!

If these three Javelins lived in Williamsburg or Silver Lake instead of The D™, they'd be the next buzz band du jour. Guaran-effing-teed. Arty + catchy = best!

I'm Still Dreaming

This bunch of effing tourists (including the pictured triumvirate of Peabs, C Friggs and an extremely dapper looking Gorilla) are, without a doubt, hitting their stride in 2005. Their knock out performance on Saturday definitely won them a new set of fans. Plus, fucking DAMORE is on drums ... it don't get no rougher. Marla Singer revealed!

The crowd hearts Hairshirt

Thanks again to everyone who made it out on Saturday ... keep yo' eyes and ears peeled for the next showcase, yo.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Monday, January 10, 2005  

Buried Alive

Holy crapballs, what a weekend! So much buzz to reveal, but unfortch there's no time morning to reveal it. Not even bullet stizz, I'm getting tsurrrved. But I promise the FOW Nation that Uncle Grambo will be back as the PM approaches with a smorgasbord of buzz that would make The Swedish Chef pop a boner, horgy borgy morgy stizz. A virtual cornucopia of hottness, if you will. Promise.

But quickly, I'd like to extend a quick word of thanks to everyone who made it out on Saturday night. Big ups to Hairshirt, The Javelins and Last Tourist for putting on three phenomenal sets, and even bigger propers to the Motor City Rocks crew (incl. Sultan, Big Matt, Jacqui) for organizing and promoting the evening. And proving that the W.O.M. was tigs, members of Electric Six and Well Fed Boys were reportedly in the house. Schmobvs.

Until this evening, my fine feathered friends.

Not as good as The Surreal Life 4, but pretty gosh darn close

posted by Uncle Grambo |
quote-a-matic
"There go my hopes for 'The Mexican 2'!"
Nummer, upon receiving word that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston went splitsville
be like mark
ECOUTEZ


achtung baby - u2



REGARDEZ


sledge hammer! - season one



LISEZ


parasites like us - adam johnson
adventures w/disposable income
date: 1.8.05
source: Uptown 8
amount: $31.25
(3) tickets to "million dollar baby"
(1) sour patch kids
(1) medium popcorn
(1) large dasani

snl season 30
REVEALED!
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
jan 14 - 17: los angeles
jan 27: prime ministers / porchsleeper @ smalls
feb 3: secret machines @ magic stick
feb 24: luna @ st. andrews
feb 28: futureheads @ shelter
mar 17 - 20 2k5: march madness @ chi-town
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