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Friday, December 03, 2004  

Bigmouth Bighead Strikes Again

Detroit's version of DurstBitch Al-Bomb. Still short. Still durst. Still trying to coax some buzz out of "The Five People You Meet In Heaven", ABC stizz. Memo to Anne Sweeney: Real smart move, sunshine. I mean, who WOULDN'T bump the nation's highest rated TV program for some schmaltzy crap from the nation's most overrated journo? Oh yeah, that's right, nobody would! EEEDIOT! As for Bitch, diehard fans can swing by Hockeytown and catch his new play. Some say the first time "new play" and "Hockeytown" have ever been mentioned in the same breath. Nice venue, ballsniffer. What's next, a one man show at O'Toole's? WORST!

The Michigan Daily lists their Top 50 Albums Of The New Millenium. RELATED ... sorta: Largehearted Boy runs down his Top 10 of 2004.

What's the only thing worse than running into a pissed-off, penniless Mike Tyson in a dark alleyway? Running into a pissed-off, penniless and totally coked out Mike Tyson in a dark alleyway. Schmobvs.

Giving Detroit Blog a run for his money, Detroit Funk explores the old United Artists building downtown. You know, the one with all of the funky paintings in the window? I say buzz.

Here we go again!

Susan Orlean reveals her reading habits to our gal Zulk in the 111th Zulkey.com Interview: "I'm on an Indian and Asian fiction kick at the moment - gorgeous stuff that reminds me of Faulkner in its complexity, which thrills me. I read lots of junky magazines for fun, and I do read the New Yorker avidly." What, no blogs? B-O-R-I-N-G!

Frank Chromewaves <3's Ride. S/FJ doesn't <3 Eminem. [first item via Leaf]

"On Top Of Old Smokey, All Covered With Peabs."

And finally, details have FINALLY been revealed as to the post-parties that Tara Reid, Kid Rock and Sir Gay Federov hit last night in Ann Arbor. Credit The Cutie That Waitresses At Thanos, via an email from my slice Data What. HUMMER Limos and East U. house parties TOTALLY revealed, yo. Witness the quickness:

FROM: Data What?
TO: Uncle Grambo
SUBJECT: Gossip Scoop
DATE: Fri, 3 Dec 2004 15:40:36 -0500

My Thanos Cutie Came Through!

She and her friends waited FOREVER to get into Conor O'Neill's, and when they eventually made it past the velvet rope they found the Kid, the surprisingly short Tara Reid and a whole bunch of Red Wings. Tara had a puffy white coat and Kid Rock went to the bathroom (presumably two pieces of information, but I dunno, the whole story was told to me at a breathless pace) -- [EDITOR'S NOTE: Not exactly a choice bathroom for bumping rails ... or so I hear. Too many douchebags stumbling around all sauced up on Irish Car Bombs, yo. Remember kids, don't do drugs].

One of her galpals got snagged by a Red Wing and went for a ride in the HUMMER LIMO!

Word is they moved on to Rick's, then to a house party on East U. where the Kid somehow sniffed out a keyboard and jammed some tunes.

The story ends there because the tagalong girl made the Red Wing usher her home in the HUMMER LIMO!

Then our pizza came and it was the best pizza ever.

posted by Uncle Grambo |

Sluts Rock!

Ridin at night cuz I sleep all dayUh, want some chili? I'm Chris Cheli-Blows!

Oh. My. Gaw. The quiet tree town of Ann Arbor, home to the University of Michigan as well as your Uncle Grambo's former stomping grounds, was invaded last night by everyone's favourite top poppin' tart, Miss Tara Reid! She was in town to watch current boyfriend Sir Gay Federov participate in a charity hockey match featuring striking NHL stars such as Stevie "The Captain" Yzerman, Kris "Drapes" Draper and Chris Cheli-Blows. According to published reports, Miss Franken-Nipple was selected by Kid Rock to serve as an assistant coach on the team, which likely meant she drew the unenviable assignment of sucking off Canucks like a circus seal. Or maybe she just let the former Mr. Kournikova stab the cat, I'm not really sure.

One thing is certain, though. Your Uncle Grambo is counting on someone from my Ann Arbor posse (C Friggs, Les / Cal, MAW, AAIO, Data Whizzut, Caro, Veho, ANYONE!) to report on any shenanigans that may have occurred last night. Like, did her and Sergei show up at Scorekeeper's demanding Jagerbombs and Ritz crackers? Was Chris Cheli-Blows spotted drinking a Victory Ale alone in a dark corner of Trashley's? Did everyone go back to Sam Valenti IV's batch pad and blow rails? I WANT GOSSIP, BITCHES! Send your Uncle an email with any scoop you might have, yo. On the double trouble, y'all. HOLLA!

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Thursday, December 02, 2004  

Yet Another Night In Paris

Watch out boy, she'll chew you up!Because your kiss is what I miss / when I turn out the lights!

Why do young people dye their hair? We all know that older folks do it to keep away the gray, but younger people who change their hair color are generally looking for a way to assert their individuality. Or, if you're Paris Hilton, you do it to stir up a paparazzi feeding frenzy. Which leads me to this, who in the hell is THIS dude? The pair were photographed yesterday in a Walk Of Shame type moment, yo. While it's fairly obvs that said mofo used her as a pincushion the night before, enquiring minds want to know who this soon-to-be-forgotten douchebag is! Based upon appearance alone, the only thing that I could come up with is that Stephen Dorff stumbled upon a forgotten stash of ephedrine, put his head in a vice, got himself a New Wave 80s haircut, broke into Kevin Federline's closet and stole his wardrobe. Am I right or am I right? Actually, I'm probably really REALLY wrong. So, I ask, where the hell is Janice Min when you need her? In all this confusion, your Uncle's just glad that some things never change. Namely, that Paris still prefers to go commando in public. Phew. [via Golden Fiddler On The Roof]

USA Today's Susan Wloszczyna reports on her experiences playing a zombie in the new George Romero jawn. Uh, talk about a choice beat! Some say best assignment evs, especially when legendary SFX and makeup maestro Greg Nicotero is doling out advice on the best way to portray a zombie: "My opinion of a good zombie walk is to loll your head as if it's a little too heavy and the muscles have begun to atrophy." So freaking best!

Most inexplicable wire photo evs? Natalie Imbruglia poses with her best new artist in a video award for 'Torn,' at the MTV Video Music Awards in Los Angeles, Thursday, Sept. 10, 1998. (AP Photo/Michael Caulfield) ... Uh, hello? Are the AP wire editors back to freebasing during school hours? Now don't get me wrong, your Uncle Grambo was a big fan of "Left Of The Middle" back in the dizz (are you kidding moi, "Smoke" was off the HEEZ!). But c'mon nah, it's nearly 2005, y'all! What gives?

I Keep A Diary vs. Uncle Grambo. Some say the ultimate blog mash-up. Shit was positively BINOCULARS that night, yo ... gotta admit that I don't really remember any of those photos being taken. Which reminds me, I never got around to detailing the blogfucking insanity (PIANOS REVEALED!) that occured that night (4.24.04). But then again, some things are better left unblogged, yo.

Jessica Simpson has apparently been listening to a lot of Bjork while preparing to record her next album. I think I smell a RAT, Jack White stizz. What's next, is Mandy Moore gonna start citing Wendy O. Williams as an influence?

Natalie Portman ass revealed! Somebody grab me some quarters, I needz a little sumpin' to bounce off that BANGIN' azz! Wow ... who knew? Usually tiny girls suffer from a lack of muscular definition (often resulting in cellulizz), but not my gal Nat. A run to the Forum 30 for a "Closer" screening is certainly in the cards for Saturday, yo. [via Scoopy.net]

Glad someone else agrees that the Jay-Z has forever sullied his reputation by associating himself with Linkin Park. 1115.org tells it like it is!

You knew this one was coming. Defamer debunks the faux Coachella lineup. You know, the one that circulated through The Blogosphere™ faster than that fatt J got smoked in the backseat of Lindsay Lohan's SUV, Thanksgiving stizz. Paul Tollett also set the record straight with Billboard. Snatch.

So, thinking about investing in SIRIUS when Howard Stern jumps the terrestrial radio ship? Here's a good reason to stick to your local AM / FM stations, yo ... Bill Walton is ALSO getting his own station. Man, I saw that Deadhead Sticker on his Cadillac and a little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back, you can never look back cuz Bill Walton smokes crack." [via Coolfer]

Quick, is there anything better than a hott chick who blogs nasty stizz? No surr, especially when said seductress is a FOW who watches The Cartoon Network! Inspired by your Uncle Grambo's reverse cowgirl reset yesterday, check out what Pencopal concentrates on while riding The D™: "I alternate between looking at myself and thinking, damn I'm hot and my boobs are totally fabulous, and doing the whole throwing my head back in wild abandon thing." DING DING DING! Oven's ready! Oh, and it gets better, because even if you left the TV on, "...you're golden. Nothing like bouncing on it while sneaking glances at Sealab 2021." Fugged. Aboutit. Best blog evs? YES SURRRR!

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Wednesday, December 01, 2004  

The Rivell's Edge

Bam Margera sex tape ... REVEALED! Apparently this highly NSFW video was tacked onto a few copies of CKY4, but for some reason is only emerging now. In it, Bam's long-time girlfriend Jenn Rivell is displayed in a topless, reverse cowgirl romp with everyone's favourite jackass. The two-minute tape suffers from its poor quality and bunk musical score (some sort of cheezed out, Oakenfoldian trance shite), but otherwise is pretty buzzworthy. While the ladies will be disappointed that there aren't any shots of Bam's crank, dudes everywhere will marvel at Jenn's redonkulously tight bod. Bonus points for multiple positions (canine stizz revealed!). All in all, in the realm of celebrity sex tapes, this viewer thinks it ranks somewhere above Gena Lee Nolin but below Jenna Lewis. Snizz. [via GossipList]

It may be rice wine to you, but it's Sake-To-Me!

Congratulations to my sexy friend Lindsay Lindsayism for getting name-dropped in Page Six today! Her "nearsighted", first person encounter with The Artist Formerly Known As Jordan Catalano has garnered some major buzz in media circles of late. Which reminds me, have you ever been hit on gay, 6'4", red-headed Icelandic male rock star? Because your Uncle Grambo has (last item). Shmears.

How did you spend YOUR Thanksgiving? If you're Lindsay Lohan, you spent it smoking a fattie that Brother Marquis himself would've been proud of. Mortuary Science revealed! [via Scott Stereogum]

Just like A² + B² = C² , Jeunet + Tatou = Buzz. Just like Woody and Mia sans sexual tension and Asian stepdaughter.

Talk about highway freakin' robbery, Comcast is jacking their cable costs 7.9% in January! My Silver Digital package, which comes with basic cable, a handful of movie channels (IFC, Sundance, etc.) and HBO will now cost your Uncle Grambo $70.99 per month, instead of the $67.99 I've been paying. What's the reason for this cost increase? Unfortunately, Detroit News reporter Nick Bunkley failed to ask or answer that question. Nice journalism skills, brah.

While your Uncle Grambo toils in obscurity out here in the MidWorst, another effing no-talent NYC blogger gets another effing bookdeal. The Breakup Babe inked a deal with Random Hizzy for some chick lit nonsense or something. Got any thoughts on the subject, Ye Olde Haggis?

Got a thang for Natalie Portman? Click through and you will not be disappointed.

Pitchfork gives the new Cerys Matthews jawn, "Cockahoop", a stellar review. Your Uncle Grambo was a HUGE fan of her last band, Catatonia ... "International Velvet" spun in HEAVY rotaish in my stereo during the summer of 1998. I had heard some good buzz on this disc and even had it in my hands the last time I went to Amoeba, but it never made it all the way through to the checkout aisle. Looks like something I'll have to add to my Amazon Wishlist (hint hint).

Ouch, worst career recap evs? "Catherine Keener was last in theaters with the 2002 trio of 'S1m0ne,' 'Death to Smoochy' and 'Full Frontal.'" Now I loves me some Cat Keener, but some say her buzz has plunged even further than Parker Posey's (currently billed below Kris Kristofferson and Ryan Reynoldsin "Blade Trinity").

A Little Dab'll Do YaRemember, "Nick And Jessica's Family Christmas Special" is on TONIGHT, ABC stizz. The last special was so bad it's bad, but tonight will be must-see based solely upon all the rumours that America's fave couple is on the fast track to Splitsville™. Let's just hope that Trashlee remembers to put on some makeup before her highly hyped duet with Big Sis, yo. Lay it on thick, boys ... she needs it. Blech!

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Tuesday, November 30, 2004  

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

Even though the tantalyzingly tatts duo of Nummer and H-Bomb turned in these reviews to your humble (yet slackadocious) editor before Turkeygiving, it's only now that I'm releasing them out into the wild. Many apologies to those who have been clamoring for them, yo. While your Uncle Grambo sits in a day-long strategy session, enjoy the reviews of the recent Neeson and Wilson episodes of "Saturday Night Live." Bozzle!

Neeson RevealedWilson Revealed

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Monday, November 29, 2004  

The Notororious N.A.T.A.L.I.E.

The Passion In My Pants

While she went through sort of a rough period from about 2000 until 2004, the hottness that is Natalie Port-Best has reached an all-time crescendo. Some say she's finally reached the potential displayed in "Beautiful Grrrls." OMG, have you SEEN the shots of her wearing the pink wig from the “Closer" trailer? Good golly Miss Molly, your Uncle Grambo sure would like to ball! And that purple dress she wore to the “Closer" premiere? Hummina hummina!

Effing Trip McNeely. How did he graduate from porking E!’s Giuliana DeSkankatron to tappin’ that Rebecca Romijn ass? Some say the greatest story never told.

Memo to the Limeys: The fact that “Alexander" tanked at the box office this weekend does not (and I quote) "brutally expose the cultural and moral divide which slices America in two." You’re barking up the wrong tree, you pale-fleshed roti de boeufs. Rather, it proves that Americans actually have decent taste in film. Howevs, my sources say that them Naturelle tats are, in and of themselves, worth the price of admission. Natch!

Thanks to the magic of the internerd, now you can go to sleep with Amanda Bynes reading you a bedtime story! Ok, fess up ... who broke into your Uncle Grambo’s apartment and stole my secret wishlist? Fess up! [via Trixie]

Nicole Kidman and Steven Bing spotted canoodling at Trader Vic’s over the Thanksgiving holiday. Wonder if they saw Stereo Mike there?

Only 433 days until Super Bowl XL hits The D™!

David O. Selznick: Portrait Of The Producer As A Speed Freak. Who knew? [via MCN]

Rilo Kiley confirmed for Coachella `05? Tigs. Let’s hope that Paul Tollet can put together enough jack to convince The Smiths to reunite.

Dr. Dre to produce the new JoJo jawn? Developing!

Spent some time in the car this weekend listening to the “Phantom Of The Opera" soundtrack and, I have to admit, it got me kinda geeched for the film. Helmed by Joel Schumacher, it’s being touted as Oscar worthy in most circles. Even my boy Jeffrey Wells, who most would figure to be completely against the effort, is admitting that it "delivers a big wham." But the TRUEST indicator of buzz is that rival studios are already trying to douse the film with haterade. Check the major slam on Emily Rossum’s performance in today’s NY Post. I say buzz.

This overwhelming blah piece about Wes Anderson that appeared in the NYT this weekend revealed exactly one piece of hott goss. Noah Baumbach has completed work on his next project, called "The Squid And The Whale." Starring Jeff Daniels and Laura Linney, here’s the plot summary: "The patriarch (Jeff Daniels) of an eccentric Brooklyn family claims to once have been a great novelist, but he has settled into a teaching job. When his wife (Laura Linney) discovers a writing talent of her own, jealousy divides the family, leaving two teenage sons to forge new relationships with their parents. Linney's character begins dating her younger son's tennis coach. Meanwhile, Daniels' character has an affair with the student his older son is pursuing." Best movie ever? Most signs are pointing to yes.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
"It's about time somebody recognized the underrated sport of lollipop surfing and did a photoshoot in its honor. I can't say I'm a fan of Hilary Duff's giant rectangle body (I like girls to have waists and hips), but I'm going to give this photoshoot a thumbs up. There's just nothing quite like a teenie-bopped out teenie-bop posing on a giant lollipop to make me want to get totally high on cocaine."
The Superficial
be like mark

keep it together - guster


belle and sebastian - fans only


still holding - bruce wagner
adventures w/disposable income
date: 12.1.04
source: Starbreezy
amount: $3.98
(1) venti breakfast blend
(1) cran-orange muffin

snl season 30
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
dec 3: tegan & sara @ magic bag
dec 5: swayzak @ magic stick
dec 11: butch walker @ magic stick
dec 18: turkey cemetary 2004 @ nummer's
dec 18: damore's holiday bash
dec 20: ou vs. n. dakota state @ o-rena
dec 29: last tourist @ small's
dec 30 - jan 2: nye in chicago
search THIS!

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