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Thursday, November 11, 2004  

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

Humble Rodent. Even in their finest hour, they have about 1/1000th of the buzz that the Apostles Of Hustle have. And you know what? The Apostles Of Hustle are THE WORST BAND I'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF SEEING! Humble Rodent. Seriously durst. And Liam Neeson? Blogga please, he ain't even worth my bref.

Which, btw, is EXACTLY the reason I've got Nummer and H-Bomb on the payroll. Pre-show comment steez. Witness the quickness as they kick this.

Episode 5: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse (11/13/04)

I say this episode has buzz. When it comes to Qui-Gon, I mean Neeson, I will admit I liked him in Darkman, Phantom Menace and Krull. Can he transfer those solid performances into live sketch comedy as a first-time host? Only Lorne knows. Let's just hope the show winds up better than the trailer for his latest movie Kinsey.

What about the music? Love or hate Modest Mouse, they are easily the best and most exciting musical guest this young season has offered to date. I'm expecting a healthy orders of coneys from these guys. Here is hoping for a replay of the Dyson toilet and some more George W. Bush (Forte!).

Liam Neeson. The last time I even heard that name mentioned was during the Benny Hill Jesus sketch in last season's Colin Firth / Norah Jones episode! So, I guess SNL was a little off in the buzz department, but it could be worse. Surprisingly, Neeson has never previously hosted the show, so he at least has that going for him. Being more of a dramatic actor, I have no clue how he'll do with live comedy, but I'm willing to give him a shot.

And despite all of the recent whatevs.org controversy surrounding Modest Mouse, I have to admit I'm looking forward to seeing a real band that I actually like perfom on the show. If anything, it's nice to see SNL break away from the standard teen pop / rap acts that they've been subjecting us to, even if it is just for this episode.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Wednesday, November 10, 2004  

Move Over Miss Lansbury, There's A New Angela On The Block

I don't want to seem as if I'm stepping on the toes of Skeet On Mischa here, but your Uncle Grambo has been COMPLETELY enraptured by the hottness that is Angela Road Rules. Everything about her appeals to everything in me, especially her tragically low self-esteem. For someone that, on the surface, exudes a sheen of confidence laced with bitchiness, deep down she's one wildly insecure sex kitten. I mean, if she's cozying up to Las Vegas Frank, surely your Uncle Grambo would be able to snag them digits. And don't even get me started on that 100,000 watt smile. Or those abs that would make Denise Austin jealous. Yodel atcha, Angela (or, as Tony Danza would call her, "Anjelerrr")! You got me straight trippin', boo.

RELATED: Uh, can anyone tell me who the funk at Bunim-Murray was in charge of putting together that utterly RECOCKULOUS montage of MJ as "Muja Star" on "RW: Philly" last night? Because whoever that dude slash dudette is, they needz to go back to Specs-Howard and re-enroll in "Avid Bay Editing 101." Some say worst editing evs, others say poorest use of slow motion in the history of television, and others still were quoted as saying "Your radical overuse of dissolves is making me thirsty." And MJ, don't think that you're getting off without a verbal tongue-lashing. Way to stuff your bikini briefs with tube socks, you pube-headed redneck ballsniffer. You just officially lept ahead of Landon on the list of "Allegedly Straight Real World Cast Members Who Are Just A Cosmopolitan Away From Giving An Off-Camera Hummer To A Dude In The Men's Room."

"At long last, a Christmas movie with zombies." Tom Long, film critic of The Detroit News, officially echoes what your Uncle Grambo has thought about "The Polar Express" ever since I saw the teaser trailer in June ... no buzz. C-minus revealed.

Whatevs Watcher revealed! An eagle-eyed observer sent me this report yesterday afternoon: "Spotted! Jack White leaving Sala Thai in Eastern Market at about 1:45 p.m. (on November 9th). He looked haggard - like “Evenflow” era Eddie Vedder crossed with the ghost of Bob Dylan, as seen in the recent Victoria’s Secret spots. He looked pissed, too, like maybe his Pad Thai was a little too spicy for his liking. He was rolling with two other dudes and a girl, who may or may not have been members of garage rock bands."

New York City, the town that brought you the $99 hamburger, is going gaga over the newest trend in exquisite cuisine ... RAMEN NOODLES! Yes, you heard me right, today's New York Times profiles the hottest places in the city to get RAMEN NOODLES! Hey 910 Greenwood crew, who knew that our kitchen back in college would've attracted foodies from all parts of the globe! Can Koto's patented tuna and cous-cous combination be far behind? BLC REVEALED!

Unprecendented buzz! Pitchfork and Uncle Grambo are in agreeance that the new(ish) Gwen Stefani single is off the chains. Front-runner for Single Of The Year in my book...

You may recall that your Uncle Grambo was ranting and raving in late July about The Like, a new(ish) band out of teenage girls out of SoCal. Hey Entertainment Weekly, there's plenty of room on this bandwagon ... just jump on and follow moi. Some say they're the best band of music industry spawn since That Dog; look for their major label debut in Spring `05. HOLLA!

Quick, name five reasons NOT to pay this month's rent to your landlord. DING DING DING! Ok, Gary Busey, you go first. "Excessive nosebleeds!" Ooh, sorry Gary, that's just the result of doing too much blow. Looks like you're gonna have to pay that $30,000 you owe your landlord after all. RELATED: Why is Gary Busey renting? Shouldn't he have a home of his own by now? $6K a month X 12 months in a year X 10 years = $720,000! It's called equity, dude. Look into it!

Supersize ups to two of my fave bloggers for their recent mentions in the press. First, everyone's favourite dead president, Martin VanBuren, gets some propers in the Boston Herald. Then, the delectable Cinecultist received some love from The New Jersey Star-Ledger. One love, one love.

I'm calling it now. WORST MOVIE EVER! Ferreals, how does Duff get away dragging that haggard, talentless Crypt Keeper of an older sister into all of her projects?

And finally, tonight is going to be a bittersweet kind of night. Quite possibly, it will be the last time that your Uncle Grambo gets to see the masterful musicianship of Luna. After 12 years and seven albums worth of hottness, Dean Wareham and crew are calling it quits. Their final tour brings them to the comfy confines of The Blind Pig in Ann Arbor, MI. This will be my third time seeing the band in this venue (and sixth overall), and luckily the night will be spent with good friends Damore, Nummer, GP Jenn, and MAW. Speaking of MacKenzie, she recently caught up with über-babe bassist Britta Phillips, speaking to her at length about the band's final days. Ever since I got my hands on a copy of "Bewitched" back in `94 or thereabouts, Luna's hypnotic, V.U. styled blend of "glistening electric guitars and droll wordplay" has captured my imagination. Along with Springsteen and the Cowboy Junkies, Luna ranks high in my list of all-time favourite bands. No word on whether or not tix are still on sale, but residents of Southeastern Michigan would be wise to spend their Wednesday in the company of this dynamic and spectacular live act. Total buzz is guaranteed to be revealed. Bovs on your respective Brittas.

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Tuesday, November 09, 2004  

My Name Is Otto And I Love To Get Blotto

My name is Otto and I love to get blottoYour Uncle Grambo isn't normally a cut paste kinda blogger, but the following piece demanded it. I was bored as balls on a conference call just minutes ago. In attempt to make time fly, I was silently flipping through the special Entertainment Weekly: Listen 2 This edition that came in the mail a few weeks back when I came across the following playlist from Otto The Bus Driver: Twelve CDs Otto the Bus Driver Says You've Gotta Get — By Any Means Necessary — Right Now! After laughing so hard that I spit up Dasani all over my keyboard, I politely excused myself from the call and recreated this list for your reading pleasure. Hi-larious and WAY better than any of the iTunes Celebrity Playlists ... she mars on your Push Stars.

    "Metallica" 1991 (Elektra)
    "This is the record I lost my hearing to."

    "Satan's Henchmen" circa mid-'70s (Self-released)
    "This is the album I recorded in my garage, back when I had a garage."

    "Look What the Cat Dragged In" 1986 (Capitol)
    "This band played at my wedding. I never paid them."

    "Don't Fear the Reaper" 2000 (Columbia/Legacy)
    "I dare you to find a better cowbell-based album."

    "Metallica" 1991 (Elektra)
    "Did I say this one already? I forget, I'm so wasted."

    "Led Zeppelin IV" 1971 (Atlantic)
    "If you have to ask why, you must die."

    "Smell the Glove" 1982 (Polymer)
    "I feel like I was their bass player in another life."

    "Songs for Swingin' Lovers!" 1956 (Capitol)
    "I don't really like it, but it's great to hide my stash in."

    "The Simpsons Sing the Blues" 1990 (Geffen)
    "Everyone should go out and buy this album again."

    "Motor City Madness" 1996 (Sony Special Products)
    "The music sucks, but anyone who kills an elk with an arrow is okay in my book."

    "Road to Ruin" 1978 (Sire)
    "For when I'm feeling thoughtful."

    "Ballads of the Green Berets" 1966 (RCA Victor)
    "My dad killed himself to this."

posted by Uncle Grambo |

From the Dunk Tank to the Drunk Tank

You know, there's an old saying that goes "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Unfortunately for you, the reader, that saying has absolutely no relevance to the reports that Michael Phelps got busted on DUI charges just weeks after partying with Uncle Grambo and Coach Glinka. I can and will say this, however. Although homeboy spent some time tailgating with us, neither he nor any of the other Olympic gold medal winning aquarians (is that even a word?) had a drop of alcohol in our presence. This DESPITE being challenged to a kegstand competition by an extremely inebriated Malbersblows! We all make mistakes, but then again, we all aren't underage Olympic heroes. Sucks to be you, Phelpsy. [via JP McKrengels]

The streets can't wait! Yeah yeah yeah, we know all about Em and Snoop, but Bridget Jones!?! Who cares! In the words of ToTC, "it's not like the fans of Bridget Jones' Diary already have plans this Friday anyway." Ain't that the triple truth, Ruth.

Wildchild loser Kelly Osbourne is slated to appear in the upcoming TV movie, "The Muppets' Wonderful Wizard of Oz." In order to avoid any potential confusion, remember that Miss Piggy is the one WITHOUT the limey accent.

"Halo 2" and X-Box? Lame! "Mario Power Tennis and Nintendo GameCube? Bovs all over your respective tees.

How come no one told me that The Miz is a contestant on this year's installment of "Tough Enough"?

Take a first-look at the rough-cut trailer for the upcoming Doug Liman jawn, "Mr. And Mrs. Smith" ... the flick stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as a married couple, neither of which knows that the other is a professional hitman. As you can imagine, the third act looks to be a doozy.

REVEALED! The Grizz is moonlighting as a blogger! Albeit, one that's employed by The Detroit News. DEVELOPING!

Memo to Coheed & Cambria: Even though you put zombies in your most recent video, you are still sans buzz. Emo ... some say it peaked with "Something To Write Home About."

Broke but you know it. Mikey Skinner is flat busted, Cecil Fielder stizz. Gambling. Worst.

First, President G Dubz gets re-elected. Then, swarms of locusts descended upon Africa and Italy. Now, motherfucking Bright Eyes has debuted at #1 and #2 on the Billboard chart. Just in case you were wondering, that clippity-clop sound you're hearing is coming from The Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse. Yodel atcha, Death!

posted by Uncle Grambo |
Monday, November 08, 2004  

SNL Season 30 ... REVEALED!

H-Bomb and NummerFlashback to Saturday, October 30th. While your Uncle Grambo was out celebrating the instantly legendary Wolverine victory over the Sparty Nation, Nummer and H-Bomb were glued to their television sets watching this season's fourth episode of "Saturday Night Live." You gotta admire their moxie, especially considering that when I say that I was "out celebrating", I really mean that I was "passed out on my couch." Like the seasoned veterans that they are, the duo stayed awake and managed to turn in their best work to date. Without futher ado, I proudly present their coney-deficient review of the Winslet / Eminem episode:

Episode 4: Kate Winslet / Eminem (10/30/04)

If you don't dig on swine, the lack of coneys in this episode was probs to your liking. But for those of you who stayed up to the wee wee hours of October 30th, your Uncle Grambo will bet that you woke up on Sunday morning craving some Lipuma's. Yeah boyee! For those of you keeping score at home, here's how whatevs.org's resident SNL experts have ranked this season's episodes.


Ben Affleck / Nelly

23 Coneys

16.5 Coneys

Queen Latifah

22 Coneys

14.5 Coneys

Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson

41 Coneys

35.5 Coneys

Kate Winslet / Eminem

21 Coneys

18.5 Coneys

As for this week, look for the dynamic duo's patented Pre-Show Comments to arrive on Thursday. While Liam Neeson hasn't had buzz since "Darkman", whoever is in charge of booking musical acts is guilty of an almost unthinkable crime. Humble Rodent? Someone deserves a swift kick in the crotch. And if you're one of their longtime fans, save the BS. I hate when Random Indie Guy comes up to me (I'm looking at you, Gary Gnu) and says, "But wait, dude. I've been listening to them BEFORE they were popular!" Oh yeah, guess what? You blow even more than these other bandwagon back-alley-blowjob busterbrainfaces. Sit and spin, you effing fucktard douchesnatchers. Float ON ... all the way to hell!

posted by Uncle Grambo |

No Soup For Me

Ladies and germs, your Uncle Grambo is xxx-tra busy today. Wall 2 wall meetings and a few big presentations that need polishing = no PHC until this evening, at the earliest. Howevs, so as not to leave you scrambling for crumbs on the table (D-Nice stizz), here's some more Lohan hottness. An eagle-eyed observer just informed me that Lohan's still "TBD" album (which streets on December 7) has a VERY official album cover. This hotshot insider sent along the following description: "Worst album cover ever? Looks like the photo was a leftover from an old EW photo session. And the pseudo-80s cheesy font looks like something put out by Pink Slip, her fake band in "Freaky Friday" ... No buzz!"

I must concur. Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? She looks like a blinged out (yet admittedly hotter) version of Tiffany. It's not confidential, the whole schoolgirl motif (writing on the blackboard, graphic design treatments that look like something she'd scribble in her Mead Composition Notebook) has some potential. Howevs, you're gonna have to promise to deliver me a lot more skin before I shell out my hard-earned $13.99 (plus applicable taxes) for this garbage. Here's hoping that record execs wise up and included liner notes that featch some scantily clad snaps. She frickin mars.

how can you hold what could've been on a cold and lonely night?

posted by Uncle Grambo |
"But I definitely don't consider myself to be a punk-rocker. I have mainstream music. And I have never claimed to be punk. But I think with the type of clothing that I wear, people get that punk vibe from it. But punk really is a way of belief and living. It's very indie. But I want my music to be played on the radio. I want to make videos; I want to sell out stadiums. And that's the kind of thing I'm doing now."
Avril Lavigne, in an interview with The Freep this weekend
be like mark

encore - eminem


dawn of the dead (widescreen unrated director's cut)


sock - penn jillette
adventures w/disposable income
date: 11.7.04
source: Siam Spicy
amount: $8.12
(1) pad thai noodle entree

snl season 30
by Nummer & H-Bomb
where's grambo?
nov 10: luna @ blind pig
nov 11 - 15: los angeles
nov 17: sufjan stevens @ magic stick
nov 18: pixies @ state theater
nov 19: ted leo @ magic stick
nov 21: jem @ magic bag
nov 25 - 28: t-giving in jersey
dec 5: swayzak @ magic stick
dec 11: butch walker @ magic stick
dec 30 - jan 2: nye in chicago
twenty word reviews
search THIS!

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