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The Five Worst Films of 1999
5) "200 Cigarettes" (Risa Bramon Garcia) - Ohmigod was this ever painful to watch.

4) "Ravenous" (Antonia Bird) - Dreadfully slow and uninteresting.

3) "
Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace" (George Lucas) - Don't even get me started.

2) "
Jawbreaker" (Darren Stein) - Just plain mean-spirited. Not even The Donnas could save this from arriving in theaters DOA. And unless you're David Lynch, Marilyn Manson cameos are not kosh. Capiche?

1) "
Analyze This" (Harold Ramis) - The only movie that I've ever walked out of...twice. The most unexplicable $100M grossing movie ever. Proof positive that Americans are big and stupid. The audiences belly-laughed through the offensive ethnic stereotyping (of both Jews and Italians) and lame Billy Crystal jokes. And though I've got a lot of respect for one Mr. Robert DeNiro, you can't help but scream SELL-OUT (!!!) at the top of your lungs, considering the one-two punch of this atrocity and this upcoming summer's "Rocky and Bullwinkle." Oy.

Acting Awards
Best Actor - Russell Crowe, "
The Insider"
(Runner up - Richard Farnsworth, "
The Straight Story")
Best Actress - Franke Potente, "
Run Lola Run"
(Runner up - Reese Witherspoon, "
Best Supporting Actor - John C. Reilly, "
(Runner up - John Malkovich, "
Being John Malkovich")
Best Supporting Actress - Catherine Keener, "
Being John Malkovich"
(Runner up - Allison Janney, "
American Beauty")
**Special kudos go to Philip Seymour Hoffman's back-to-back brilliance in "
The Talented Mr. Ripley" and "Magnolia"

Various Other Grahammy's Previously Awarded in Other Ceremonies
Best Director - Sam Mendes, "
American Beauty"
Best Cameo (tie) - Charlie Sheen, "
Being John Malkovich"; Elvis Costello, "200 Cigarettes"
Best Character (tie) - Tracey Flick (Reese Witherspoon), "
Election"; Frank TJ Mackey (Tom Cruise), "Magnolia"
Worst Character - Jar Jar Binks, "
The Phantom Menace". Joins Howard The Duck and William Clay Ford in the Least Likable Hall of Fame.
Best Soundtrack - "
Splendor". Parallel to the otherwise forgettable "Judgement Night" in that the strength of the soundtrack eclipsed the movie. Except instead of combining rap & metal (which still gives me shudders because this spawned Rage & Limp), "Splendor" combines shoegazers with club kids.
Smartest Script - Charlie Kaufman's "
Being John Malkovich"
Best Score - "
Best Laid Plans", Craig Armstrong. The string guru behind Massive Attack strikes again. The track "Father & Son" is enough to elicit tears without any attachment or knowledge of its role in the film.
Best Ensemble Performance - "
American Beauty"
Worst Ensemble Performance - "
Ed TV"
Best Unknown Movie Babe - Amelia Henlie, who plays the girlfriend of Peter Fonda in "
The Limey." A better looking version of Denise Richards. I dig girls with slightly wonky teeth.
Best Poster - "
The Insider". Revolutionary in its simplicity.
Worst Poster - "
The Green Mile". Revolutionary simply for the depicting the sheer volume of Tom Hanks' melon and jowls.
The "You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?" Award - Ellen Degeneres loudmouthed police sergeant in "
Goodbye Lover" answers the question of "What are you up to?" with "Just pissin' in your Cornflakes"...uh, what? Shouldn't Kellogg's sue? Worst.
Best Musical Epic - "
The Red Violin" (Francoise Girard)
Worst Musical Epic - "
The Suburbans" starring JLH
Best Dual Performance - Eddie Murphy, "
Worst Dual Performance - Jackie Chan, "
Twin Dragons". What is it with martial arts movies and identical twins who don't know about the other twin? I thought the genre learned its lesson after Jean Claude Van Damme's disasterous "Double Impact" but I guess not.
Best Movie I Never Saw - "
Boys Don't Cry"
Worst Movie I Never Saw - "
Best Animated Movie I Saw - "
South Park: Bigger, Bolder, and Uncut"
Best Computer Animated Movie I Saw - "
Toy Story 2"
Best Animated Movie I Never Saw - "
The Iron Giant"
Worst Animated Movie I Never Saw - "
Pokemon: The First Movie"
The "Who Is Your Agent and Why Haven't You Him/Her Yet?" Award - Liam Neeson, "
The Phantom Menace", "The Haunting", "Gun Shy" (scheduled for release in 1999 but now dying rapidly at the BO in 2000)
Best CGI - "
The Matrix"
Worst CGI - "
Eyes Wide Shut". Those MPAA ordered Abe Lincoln lookin' CGI basts were worst ever.
The Movie In Desperate Need of Some CGI - "
Instinct". Then again, nothing could have saved this abomination.
Best Catchphrase - "Get in my belly!" from "
The Spy Who Shagged Me"
Runner-up for Best Catchphrase - "Goodnight you Princes of Maine, you Kings of New England" from "
The Cider House Rules"
Worst Catchphrase - "Fuck sight!", as uttered by Val Kilmer in "
At First Sight"
The "How Did This Pitch Get Greenlighted?" Award - "
Chill Factor". I swear to God the trailer contained these words, "When a short order cook meets up with an ice cream man..."
Best Threat - "If I was 80 years younger, son, I'd box your ears" from "
Being John Malkovich"
Best Nudity - Shannon Elizabeth's foreign exchange hottie in "
American Pie"
Best Nudity by a MILF - Rene Russo, "
The Thomas Crown Affair". Craziest nips since the Farrah Fawcett's Playboy pictorial.
Worst Nudity - Fat Bastard during his KFC binge in "
The Spy Who Shagged Me"
Most Underrated Character Actor - Ron Livingston, "
Office Space" and "Body Shots"
Most Overrated (and Unlikeable) Character Actor - Oliver Platt, "
Lake Placid", "Bicentennial Man", "Three To Tango"
Worst Film About A Logo - The short film about the Pixar logo before "
Toy Story 2". I don't care how cool your logo is, the only logos whose origins I'm interested in are the Playboy Bunny and that Columbian coffee dude Juan What's-His-Ass.
Best Performance By A Mega Movie Star - Julia Roberts, "
Notting Hill." She radiates old-school charm and glamour like no other leading lady. I can't wait for her next role in the buzz-heavy, Soderbergh directed "Erin Brockovich".
Worst Performance By A Mega Movie Star - Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger, "
End of Days". Watching this, I couldn't wait for "End of Movie".
The "Edward Penishands" Award For Easy Porno Title Transition Potential - "
The Bone Collector", "Dick", "The General's Daughter"
Character Least In Need of America To Know Their Backstory - Mary Catherine Gallagher, "
Characters Most In Need of America To Know Their Backstory - The Budweiser "
Whassup" guys. Now there's a movie I'd pay $9 to see.
Best Animal Performance - The chimp in "
Being John Malkovich"
Worst Animal Performance - Mr. Jingles in "
The Green Mile". Was I the only one who laughed when Wild Bill stomped on Jinglies?
The "Can You Repeat That Once More, This Time In English?" Award - The entire cast of "
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels". Not since Begbie hit the screen in "Trainspotting" have I had a harder time trying to understand my own native language.
The Guy Most In Need Of A Slump Buster - Antonio Banderas. 1999 saw him starring in "
The 13th Warrior" and directing "Crazy In Alabama". Plus he's married to Melanie "Hello, Pardon Me Whilst My Mammary Glands Run Amok" Griffith. Tough times, indeed...
Best Performance By A Body Part - James Van Der Beek's forehead, "
Varsity Blues". I have a feeling he's got a lock on this award for years to come.
Worst Performance By A Body Part - John Travolta's stomach, "
The General's Daughter"
Best Performance By An Evil Sandstorm With A Face - The evil sandstorm with a face in "
The Mummy"
The Best Lone Gunman Who Goes By His Last Name And His Last Name Only - Terence Stamp's Wilson in "
The Limey"
The Worst Lone Gunman Who Goes By His Last Name And His Last Name Only - Mel Gibson's Porter in "
Creepier Than You Would Expect - "
8 MM" (Joel Schumacher)
Not As Creepy As You Would Hope - "
Stigmata" (Rupert Wainwright)
Least Developed Plot Point - Courtney Love's relationship with Jim Carrey in "
Man On The Moon." One minute they're wrestling, and literally the next they're in love. Uh, what???
Second Least Developed Plot Point - Adrien Brody's evolution from a CBGB punk-rocker with a hottie girlfriend into a gay hustler in "
Summer of Sam". Again I say, uh, what???
Third Least Developed Plot Point - The entire screenplay of "
The Phantom Menace". What were they fighting for or against again? Remind me. Then again, on second thought, don't.
Best Villain - The nefarious drug kingpin who is well-versed in Keynesian Economics in "
Best Laid Plans"
Worst Villain - Kenneth Branagh as the wheelchair bound, short-bus riding psychopath Dr. Arliss Loveless in "
Wild Wild West"
The "Firmly Entrenched In The Closet" Award - Tom Hank's prison guard in "
The Green Mile". His wife can't get him off because of a quote-unquote "urinary tract infection" (sure Tom, whatever allows you to sleep at night). He's only cured when a 7-foot, retarded, muscle-bound black guy grabs his bozack and spits...read between the lines, people. He's gay-er than Charles Nelson Reilly!
Worst R&B Stunt Casting - Heavy D and Erykah Badu, "
The Cider House Rules". I was waiting for Jodeci to start picking apples with these chumps.
Best Movie Starring A WB Stalwart - "
Varsity Blues" starring James Van Der Beek
Worst Movie Starring A WB Stalwart - "
Killing Mrs. Tingle" starring Katie Holmes
Biggest Letdown - "
Dogma" . Ridiculously boring.
Biggest Surprise (tie) - "
Galaxy Quest"; when The Donnas showed up in "Jawbreaker"
Best Innuendo - When SMG tells Ryan Phillipe that "You can put it anywhere" in "
Cruel Intentions"
Best Lifestyle - Ron Livingston in "
Office Space". He spends his time NOT WORKING and watching Kung Fu re-runs with JENNIFER ANISTON. Best ever.
Worst Lifestyle - Eddie Griffin in "
Deuce Bigalow". Imagine being the He-Pimp for Man-Ho Rob Schneider...face facts, you ain't gonna get as many duckets as you'd like.
Best Art Direction - "
Sleepy Hollow"
It Should've Been Called Pt. 1 - "Wild Wild Worst" ("
Wild Wild West")
It Should've Been Called Pt. 2 - "Brokedown Movie" ("
Brokedown Palace")
It Should've Been Called Pt. 3 - "Worst Ever!" ("
Analyze This")

Thanks for sticking with me. Until next time, the balcony is closed...

Mark Graham
February 16, 2000

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