2002 GRAHAMMY AWARDS (FILM
THE FIVE WORST FILMS OF 2K2
5) "Shallow Hal" - When I come to think of it, it was exactly what I expected. The Farrellys are a long way from their "Mary" days. Not even Jack Black and Gwynnie in a thong could save this stinker.
4) "Black Knight" - Now I can see why Chris Tucker turned this one down. Notable only for the fact that likely Best Actor winner Tom Wilkinson plays a drunken knight.
3) "Shrek" - Who in the fuck are the people that heap five-star praise on the scabrous piece of gah-bage? Worst!
2) "A.I." - Holy shitbox, this was nearly 3 hours of unbearably pretentious and boring shite. Steven Spielberg may be incapable of making a good movie anymore. And Haley Joel Os-"Mentos Fresh And Full of Life" deserves a punch in the fizz.
1) "The Mummy Returns" - God damn, this movie was unspirited and totally uninspired. In fact, it's every "un" that you can think of (uncool, unfunny, uninteresting, unoriginal), with the lone exception of the world's best "un"...UNTZ!
THE GRAHAMMYS SALUTE THE YEAR'S BEST ACTORS
Best Actor - Billy Bob Thornton, "The Man Who Wasn't There"
runner up - guy pearce, "memento"
Best Actress - Audrey Tatou, "Amelie"
runner up - reese witherspoon, "legally blonde"
Best Supporting Actor - Steve Buscemi, "Ghost World"
runner up - christopher meloni, "wet hot american summer"
Best Supporting Actress - Anjelica Huston, "The Royal Tenenbaums"
runner up - mina badie, "the anniversary party"
THE GREGG B. TOLAND AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN CINEMATOGRAPHY
(aka, The Grahammy Award for Y2k1's Best Shots)
3) When the camera floats across the pool to the strains of Michael Penn's "Nothing Like Us" after everyone has just started rolling in "The Anniversary Party"
2) The steadicam shot set to Tears For Fears' "Head Over Heels" that takes the viewer through the ominously fearsome hallways of high school in "Donnie Darko"
1) The whirling, 360 degree spin around Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman in "Moulin Rouge" where Christian and Satine are spontaneously belting out "I Will Always Love You" with fireworks exploding all around them...majestic (not to mention a great homage to "Vertigo")
OTHER AWARDS HANDED OUT AT PREVIOUS CEREMONIES
Best Director - Baz Luhrmann, "Moulin Rouge". Duh.
Best Screenplay - Wes Anderson & Owen Wilson, "The Royal Tenenbaums"
Worst Screenplay - Whoever the hell wrote "Tomcats" should be ashamed. I don't even have the time to look up who this bast is on the IMDB.
Best Score (tie) - "Amelie", "The Man Who Wasn't There"
Best Soundtrack - "The Royal Tenenbaums". Music always plays such an integral part in Anderson's films; his only true rivals in this essential directorial profiency are Quentin Tarantino and Martin Scorsese.
Best Performance By A Body Part - James van der Beek's forehead was back and bigger than ever in "Texas Rangers".
Worst Performance By A Body Part - Owen Wilson's nose in everything he was in, but especially in "Zoolander". Seriously though, what the fazook happened to his schnoz? He needs to hook up with Van Susteren's plastic surgeon for some rhinoplizz. Schmogsviously.
Best Cameo - Billy Zane, "Zoolander" (runner up - dustin "screech" diamond, "made")
Worst Cameo - Jason Biggs, "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"
Best Newcomer - Scarlett Johannson, "Ghost World" and "The Man Who Wasn't There". These weren't her first movies (I believe her first was "The Horse Whisperer"), but her performances lept off the screen with that intangible "it" that is impossible to describe. I'm anxious to see if she can break through and take it to the next level like a Parker Posey or if she'll just purposely go all obscure like Chloe Sevigny.
The Honorary "Chill Factor" Award For Most Ridiculous Greenlighting Ever - "3000 Miles To Graceland". Kurt Russell and Kevin Costner as casino-robing Elvises? Puh-LEEZE!
Best Performance by an Actual Brit - Ben Kingsley, "Sexy Beast"
Worst Performance by an Actual Brit - Jude Law, "A.I."
Best Performance by a Fake Brit - Renee Zelwegger, "Bridgit Jones' Diary" (EDITOR'S NOTE - Keep the pounds on, hunny!)
Worst Performance by a Fake Brit - Don Cheadle, "Ocean's 11"
Best General - General Thade, "Planet of the Apes". Obvs!
Most Ridiculous Flop Since "Meet Joe Black" - "The Majestic"
Much Better Than I Had Heard - "Monkeybone"
Much Worse Than I Had Heard - "Shrek"
Best Sex With Animals - The horses that Gord watches whilst devouring a sub sandwich in "Freddy Got Fingered"
Best Sex With Appliances - Christopher Meloni and the refrigerator, "Wet Hot American Summer"
Best Sex...Period! - Naomi Watts and Laura Harring, "Mulholland Dr"
PLEASE Put Your Shirt Back On - Tom Cruise, "Vanilla Sky"
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Take Your Shirt Off - Jennifer Love Hewitt, "Heartbreakers". C'mon, Katie Holmes did it, why won't you? What if I ask you nicely? Pretty please with sugar on top?
Biggest Challenge For Fox 2's Storm Tracker - The overwhelmingly evil and incredibly persistent weatherstorm with a face from "The Mummy Returns". Jerry Hodak would shit a brick if he saw this on Doppler 7. Hogsviously.
Best Brother - Little Stifler, "American Pie 2"
Worst Brother - Martin Lawrence, "Black Knight"
Best Cripple - Marisa Coughlin as the wheelchair-bound rocket scientist/sex addict in "Freddy Got Fingered"
Worst Cripple - That dude who walked with his hands in "Shallow Hal". I never could figure out if we were supposed to laugh at him or feel sorry for him. Wurst.
Best Heist - The underwater robbery in "Sexy Beast"
Worst Heist - "The Score"
Least Believable Heist - "Ocean's 11"
Best Movie Actually Called Heist - "Heist"
Best Anime - "Blood: The Last Vampire"
Best Eats - Cheese sandwiches, "Freddy Got Fingered"
Worst Eats - Produce, "K-Pax". I'm never eating produce again. Scurvy be damned!
Most Deceptive Movie Title - "Snatch". For those who haven't seen it, it's not about what you think it would be. This is actually worst ever, now that I think about it.
Least Deceptive Movie Title - "Ali". Boring. Actually more like "Bore-Ring". Get it? Ha! A pun! Me so horny!
Most Appealing Gang of Bank Robbers Since "The Ex-Presidents" - The gang of cheerleader bank robbers in "Sugar and Spice"
Gaining Buzz - Eric Bana, "Chopper" and "Black Hawk Down". Obviously way more tigs than Colin Farrell.
Squandering Buzz - Julia Roberts, "America's Sweethearts" and "Ocean's 11". The backlash is gonna get even uglier, just you wait...
Largest Gap In Any Given Plot - "Jeepers Creepers". Don't get me wrong, this movie was off-the-heezy tigs, but why did Mr. Jeepers Creepers go so crazed for/during that song???
Best Animal Who Isn't Really An Animal - The "Iron Monkey"
Worst Animal Who Isn't Really An Animal - Rob Schneider in "The Animal"
Animal That Should Be Extinct - Mick "Crocodile" Dundee, "Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles"
Hottest Hottie - Audrey Tatou, "Amelie"
Freshest Hottie - Chyler Leigh, "Not Another Teen Movie"
Sexiest Simian Hottie - Helena Bonham Apes, "Planet Of The Apes"
Best Reprise - Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy reappearing as their characters from "Before Sunrise" in "Waking Life"
Best Sequel - "Rush Hour 2"
Worst Sequel - "The Mummy Returns"
I'll Kill Myself If There's Ever A Sequel - "A.I."
Thanks for sticking with me. Until next time...
February 14, 2002
comments? criticisms? death threats? email me and i'll see if i can cure your ills.