W h a t

E v s

(dot org)
Relatively useless (yet hopefully intriguing) musings, ramblings, theories, speculations, opinions and views about this, that and (perhaps) the other

What Evs (dot org)
*The Archive

Grahammy Awards
*G9090 (Films 90-51)
*G9090 (Films 50-11)
*G9090 (Top 10 Films)
*G9090 (Albums)
*G9090 (Singles)

Assorted Theories
*Staring Down Disillusionment
*Top 25 AHS Dudes

Guest Writers
COMING SOON! (that means you, Peabs)

Etc. Linkage
*My Wish List

Other Places To Visit
*The Desert Sun
*David Lynch.com
*Jeffrey Wells' Hollywood Confidential
*Mighty Big TV
*Rob Nelson.com
*The Sun Online
*The Impact
*Essential Selection

If you would like to get in touch with the man sittin next to the man sittin next to the man, email me

© 1995-2002 by whatevs.org
all rizzies reserved (obvs)

Site Meter


The Five Worst Films of 2000
5) "
Cecil B. Demented" (written/directed by John Waters) - I expected trashy. I didn't expect pretentious and trashy. Melanie Griffith has wrecked every film she's been in since "Working Girl", with the possible exception of "Nobody's Fool."
4) "
The Patriot" (directed by Roland Emmerich) - Jingoistic malarkey and totally worst. I can't believe they cast Jimmy The Cab Driver as a slave-owner. Ugh.
3) "
Battlefield Earth" (directed by Roger Christian) - Critics had a field day trying to top each other with how hard they could slam this movie. Obviously it was horrible, but my brother and I laughed the entire way through. Ed Wood lives.
2) "
Gone In 60 Seconds" (directed by Dominic Sena) - Okay, the plot revolves around stealing 50 cars in one day. How come we only get to see like 3 thefts? Totally loud and totally worst.
1) "
O Brother, Where Art Thou?" (written/directed by The Coen Brothers) - Remember how bad it felt when your parents told you that they were disappointed in you after you made a big mistake? It wasn't so much the loss of privileges that hurt, it was knowing that you let them down. Joel and Ethan Coen, America is very disappointed in you. 'Nuff said.

Acting Awards
Best Actor - Mark Ruffalo, "
You Can Count On Me"
(Runner up) - Mike White, "
Chuck and Buck"
Best Actress - Bjork, "
Dancer In The Dark"
(Runner up) - Ellen Burstyn, "
Requiem For A Dream"
Best Supporting Actor - Benicio del Toro, "
(Runner up) - Jack Black, "
High Fidelity"
Best Supporting Actress - Jennifer Connelly, "
Requiem For A Dream"
(Runner up) - Samantha Morton, "
Jesus' Son"
Special "Best Ever" Award for being, well, Best Ever goes to...Jared Leto ("
Requiem For A Dream", "Black and White", "American Psycho")

Various Other Grahammys Previously Awarded In Other Ceremonies
*Best Director - Steven Soderbergh, "
*Best Character - Vin Diesel's Riddick in "
Pitch Black"
*Best Cameo - Tim Robbins as the patchouli smellin' yuppie in "
High Fidelity"
*Best Opening Credits - "
*Best Opening Credit (Yes, this is singular) - "
*Best End Credits - "
High Fidelity"
*Best Score - Clint Mansell & The Kronos Quartet, "
Requiem For A Dream." Instantly able to flash you back into the movie.
*Best Soundtrack - "
Almost Famous"
*Best Re-release - "
Blood Simple." Film noir par excellence.
*Best Performance By A Body Part - Katie Holmes' breasts, "
The Gift". Narrowly upset the cameo appearance of James Van Der Beek's forehead in "Scary Movie."
*Worst Performance By A Body Part - John Travolta's fingernails, "
Battlefield Earth"
*Worst Performance By Male Genitalia - Geoffrey Rush, "
*Worst Performance By Male Genitalia Part Deux - The fatal dick in the ear in "
Scary Movie"
*Best Buddy Movie - "
Shanghai Noon"
*Best Poster - "
What Lies Beneath"
*Worst Poster - "
Almost Famous"
*Best Comedy - "
Best In Show" (directed by Christopher Guest)
*Best Catch Phrase - "You're the man now, Dogg!", Sean Connery in "
Finding Forrester"
*Second Best Catch Phrase - "And THAT'S kickin' your ass!", Drew Barrymore in "
Charlie's Angels"
*Third Best Catch Phrase - "Go you Huskies!", the entire cast of "
State and Main"
*Best Revelation - Katie Holmes' breasts, "
The Gift". I know I mentioned it earlier...trust me, it's worth mentioning twice.
*Worst Revelation - "
The Grinch" was conceived at a key party
*The "Air Bud" Award For Best Performance By An Animal - The cat in "
Meet The Parents"
*Best Movie Starring CGI Animals - "
Chicken Run"
*Worst Movie Starring an Animal - "
My Dog Skip"
*Worst Movie Starring CGI Animals - "
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"
*Best Performance By An Ice Skating Monkey Who Speaks In Sign Language - The ice skating monkey who speaks in sign language in "
M.V.P (Most Valuable Primate)"
*Best Example Of Why You Shouldn't Smoke Crack - Jake "The Snake" Roberts in the wrestling documentary, "
Beyond The Mat"
*The "Like Father, Like Son/Vice Versa" Award for Lack of Hollywood Originality - "
Mission to Mars" and "Red Planet"
*Biggest Bore - "
Mission:Impossible 2"
*Best Shot - Maximus' hand gliding through the wheat fields on his way to Elysium in "
*Second Best Shot - When Kate Hudson pirouettes alone on the empty concert stage in "
Almost Famous"
*Worst Shot - The doves flying amidst gunfire in "
MI:2". Whoops, never seen that one before Mr. Woo.
*Second Worst Shot - When the dog takes a D on Jim Carrey's lawn in "
Me, Myself and Irene"
*Best Teen Movie - "
Final Destination"
*Worst Teen Movie - "
Down To You"
*Best Kept Secret - The location of "
The Beach"
*Worst Kept Secret - Who's a member of "
The Skulls"
*Best Group Recital - When the entire cast of "
Boiler Room" quotes Gordon Gekko
*Best Group Sing-along - When Stillwater and the Band Aids sing "Tiny Dancer" in "
Almost Famous"
*Best One Liners - "
State and Main"
*Coolest Brothers - Luke and Owen Wilson ("
Shanghai Noon", "Charlie's Angels", "Meet The Parents")
*Worst Brothers - The Weitz Brothers ("
Chuck and Buck")
*The "Why Does It Always Rain On Me?" Award - John Cusack, "
High Fidelity"
*The "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow" Award For Least Memorable Movies - "
Scream 3", "The Perfect Storm", "Vertical Limit"
*The Best Robert DeNiro Performance - "
Meet The Parents"
*The Most Mediocre Robert DeNiro Performance - "
Men Of Honor"
*The Worst Robert DeNiro Performance - "
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"
*Best Comeback - Breasts! Katie Holmes (yes, it IS worth a third mention), Amanda Peet, Kate Hudson, Charlize Theron, Bijou Philips, Kate Winslet and Virginie Ledoyen all got their kit off in the Year 2000. Breasts = Bests!
*Worst Comeback - "
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"
*Best Performance By A Rapper - The Wu Tang Clan's Power, "
Black and White"
*Worst Performance By A Rapper - Busta Rhymes, "
Finding Forrester"
*Most Anticipated Performance By A Rapper - DMX, "
Exit Wounds". March 2001 brings us Steven Seagal and DMX on screen together...it's gonna be best.
*The Howard Stern Award For Mistakenly Believing That misogyny Is The Best Form of Comedy - "
*Best Supporting Drug - Pot. Marijuana was all over Hollywood in 2000, playing very pivotal roles in "
Saving Grace", "Wonder Boys", "You Can Count On Me", and of course "Dude, Where's My Car?"
*Worst Supporting Drug - Heroin. See "
Requiem For A Dream", "Traffic", and "Jesus' Son." That's that.
*Best Ending - "
Scary Movie"
*Worst Ending - "
The Grinch"
*Worst Ending...EVER!!! - "

Until next year, the balcony is closed...

Mark Graham
February 14, 2001

comments? criticisms? death threats? email me and i'll see if i can cure your ills.