fare thee well

i'm bustin' outta here in a few. have a great weekend! before i rundst, i just thought that I should let you know that the rumours about The Olsen Twins have officially been debunked by E! Online. and while The Giors may be responsible for spreading the rumours, he has contacted whatevs.org and submitted an official apology. it is posted below in its entirety ... until Monday, peace out to the FOW Nation ...

False Buzz from The Giors
By: The Giors

What a cruel world we live in! On one hand, I have to rejoice in the knowledge that God doesn’t get pleasure out of tormenting The Giors. On the other hand, I am so disappointed in the false report of the Olson Twins coming to BGSU. The biggest blow is to my whatevs.org buzz reliability rating. I feel a responsibility to all the FOWs to only report on the most authentic of buzz and leave the hearsay to www.thedonz.com. Thank God for Uncle Grambo! He keeps the buzz in check like a 1920 muckraker journalist ( Holla to Jacob Reese and Upton Sinclair). "Olson Twins in BG you say…MO-K" says Uncle Grambo. We are so lucky to have the "Godfather" of Whatevs looking over us like a guardian angel or Aaron Spelling …whichever omnipotent entity you choose to believe in. So while you should all rejoice in the chance to throw stones and sharp pointy Missile-like objects at The Giors; take a second to tip your cap to the hippest buzz crazed cat this side of the Detroit River…Uncle Grambo. So in the words of the great Billy Madison I leave you … "Peace I’m outa here!"

where are YOU coming from?

to let you all in on a little inside info, recently whatevs.org has been averaging between 100 to 120 unique visitors and 220 page views on any given weekday. this means that while a lot of people pop by once a day, there are a few dedicated FOWs who hit refresh several times throughout the day. all this is tiggs, you all know how much i appreciate your patronage. anysluts, i was combing through my Yahoo Mail a few minutes ago and i received my weekly traffic report from Sitemeter and WHAMMO! i was shocked to read that yesterday i racked up 650 unique visitors and served 806 pages, which is easily the single biggest day in the short history of whatevs.org. as of 12:30 this afternoon, i'm somehow on track to eclipse those numbers. what i want to know is "where are you coming from?" i know that some Joe Millionaire fans have been stumbling onto the site ("sarah kozer" is somehow the #1 search term that people use to find whatevs.org, although a quick Google search a few minutes ago didn't reveal any high ranking whatevs buzz). so if you're a new visitor to whatevs.org or even if you're a well-established FOW, take a second to pop on down to the comment link below and drop me a note. i'm just interested to figure out what people think of the site and how they discovered it in the first place.

the adventures of link

i haven't written a post like this in a while, recent posts have tended to be pretty focused on one particular point. so be prepared to be jostled around a little as i return to the infamous Bullet Point List this morning:

• after all of the Colin Farrell bashing on whatevs.org over the last few weeks, it's extremely disappointing to report the following news. jeffrey wells, who is one of my fave journalists and all-around coolest dudes that i've ever met, spends a good portion of this morning's column talking about the strong points of young Mr. Farrell, comparing him to a young Mel Gibson and says that he "shows his stuff when the action kicks in. I don't want this to sound like damnation with faint praise, but the guy really moves well. He knows how to hold a gun and race down a hallway and slam the heel of his fist into the bad guy's nose and do a quick roll under a subway train...he can basically make all of this action-movie choreography look true and beautiful, like he's a macho Mikhail Baryshnikov. And that ain't no potatoes." of course he's talking about "The Recruit", which opens nationwide today. has this turned into a must-see? have i given Farrell enough of a chance? i always tend to agree with Wells, especially after his recommendation to see "City Of God" and our resulting conversation at the Toronto International Film Festival. does anyone have thoughts on "The Recruit"? it looks good in an "Enemy Of The State" kind of way ... buzz?

• speaking of Will Smith, Twentieth Century Fox has announced that his sci-fi flick "I, Robot" will be released on July 2, 2004. Smith has owned the July 4th holiday weekend for years, dating way back to the hugely successful runs of "Independence Day" and the original "Men In Black." Big Willie Style has lost considerable buzz over the last few years with three consecutive failures in "Bagger Vs", "Ali", "MIB II." his music career is just as over as Snow's, so this summer's release of "Bad Boys II" (July 18) will be very telling about the future potential of WS.

• in the biggest choke job since C. Webb's timeout, internationally renowned grandmaster Garry Kasparov lost a key chess match to a computer because of "human error." wait ... who the Eff cares about humans battling computers in chess anyway? borrrrring!

• go ahead and cancel all your plans on Friday, February 28th. Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band will headline their first broadcast network television special on CBS from 9-10 p.m. that night !!! According to the press release on BruceSpringsteen.net, "The concert special features "The Rising," "Lonesome Day," and "You're Missing" from Springsteen's album The Rising, in addition to "Darkness on the Edge of Town" and others." guaranteed hottness!

• and in other music news, The Grizz reviews Zwan's new record in today's DetNews. he is one of the bigger Smashing Pumpkins fans that i've ever met, so hear what a true fan has to say about Billy's latest venture. The News also features a nice interview with members of Rainer Maria, who will be making their way through town next Wednesday for a gig at the Magic Stick. will you be there? i'm definitely gonna try, i saw them a few years back with Glavzies and Wartinsmooth at the illustrious Blind Pig and it was a kickass show.

• closing out this morning's LinkFest is a preview of the White Stripes' "Elephant", which was released on vinyl to select journos earlier this week. whatevs.org is currently working overtime with their music industry ties to see if a preview listening can be arranged ... details to follow??? "Elephant" will likely street in April.

worst movie of 2003?

evolution of a masterpiece

oops, my bad

more britney scoop

hercules hercules!

"American Idol." can't believe that i've been suckered in. actually, it's not that surprising at all. i managed to stay out of the whole phenomena for most of the first season's run, but i gotta admit that i was right there when when Kelly Clarkson won. so when Fox aired the first of their endless string of Season 2 Promos this fall, i knew that i should just plan on writing off social activities during the six or eight weeks that the show would be on the air. and after the first four or so episodes, i gotsta admit that i'm a little bit hooked. so when i rolled into work this morning after last night's episode, obvs that the first thing i did was surf on over to the American Idol on FOX site to check out who would be the first 8 to compete next week (posted at right). i'd be really suprised if Kimberly Caldwell (the blondie on the far rizz) didn't make it through to the next round, but of the rest, i didn't really remember a strong favorite from this bunch. allz i know is that i'm rooting hardcore for my boy Ricky "Hercules Hercules" Smith. that dude is priceless, he makes me laugh almost as much as Fred Armisen. i'm going to miss the next episode because i'll be at the Neil Finn / Rhett Miller show at St. Andrews -- maybe this will inspire me to pull my aging VCR out of its box in the basement and hook it up. VHS -- i've gone over a year without it! some say unnecessary...

most anticipated album release since "the rising"

Joe Millionaire Revealed!
(link courtesy of Drudge)

"One of the trio of "Joe Millionaire" finalists has starred in dozens of kinky bondage and fetish films that feature her being handcuffed, gagged, hog-tied, or bound with duct tape, The Smoking Gun has learned.

While Fox Television has described Sarah Kozer's occupation as "sales and design," the 29-year-old Los Angeles woman has a far more interesting entry on her resume: in the past few years she has starred in bondage films like "Novices in Knots," "Hogtied," and "Helpless Heroines," an well as foot fetish titles like "Dirty Soled Dolls." The 1998 graduate of Virginia's George Mason University is credited in these films as "Cindy Schubert."

best tattoo ever

too bad i don't have a picture of it. venturing slightly awkwardly into Glamorama territory, i'd like to tell you about the hot new writer on the block (or so I read). his name is James Frey, but there's no word on whether or not he's any relation to A2 Based FOW C Friggs (aka Friggedy, aka CFrey). he's got a tattoo on his forearm that reads "F.T.B.S.I.T.T.T.D."

say what?

it stands for "FUCK THE BULLSHIT IT'S TIME TO THROW DOWN." what? BEST! there's a full-scale interview with him in this week's New York Observer that you can quickly access if you decide to click here. his new bio called "A Million Little Pieces" will be released by Doubleday in April. it has some HOT blurb buzz going on, here are a few select quotes:

"A bit like Charles Bukowski, had the Beat boozer been a suburban rich kid kicking the rock in Hazelden ... (it's) a relentless, halogen-lit confessional littered with self-loathing addicts, tortured souls, weeping and wailing and smoking and fighting and lots and lots of stomach bile." -- The New York Observer

"The 'War and Peace' of addiction" -- Pat Conroy

"As intense and perfectly detailed an account of a human quitting his drug and alcohol dependency as you are likely to read ... Frey is horribly honest and funny in a young-guard Eggers and Wallace sort of way." -- Gus Van Sant

"It will have you sobbing, laughing, angry, frustrated, and most importantly, hopeful. 'A Million Little Pieces' is inspirational and essential. A remarkable performance." --Bret Easton Ellis

guest writer buzz

everyone has their favorite guest contributor to whatevs.org. some say The Grizz, some say Peabs, some say GKVibe, still others say Nummer and The H-Bomb. while i love all of the guest contributors like they were my first-born, i have a special fondness and admiration for the work of The Giors. the following was submitted to me this morning via Yahoo Mail. enjoy ...

Proof That God Hates The Giors!
By The Giors

For all you FOWs out there, I’m sure you’ve noticed that The Giors has a problem with anger. Some may say I have issues, others say I have more issues than the New York Stock Exchange. You may have doubted the authenticity of my angst, and while you were at it, I’m sure you chuckled and passed my comments off as just another manufactured article designed to entertain and delight you sexy bod. While these are goals of mine, I finally have an example of plight that will be universally recognized for its injustice…like I changed my name to either Sacco or Venzetti! So sit back, relizz, and take pleasure in the pain that is the life and times of The Giors.

Most of you don’t know the history of The Giors PHG (Pre High School Graduation) so to fill you in I’ll give you the edited for TV version. I was good at baseball so I took a scholarship to the worst, most miserable school in the country: Bowling Green State University (BGSU) in Ohio. My freshman year was all time worst evs! The topography is as flat and uneventful as Debra Messing, the facilities are older than Pasco’s Mom, and the night life is less exciting than watching the Detroit Tigers play the Florida Marlins. It was so worst!

After my freshman year I got out of there like I was Britney (Pickle) Spears at Sundance! Now to the part where God hates The Giors! What happens five years later?…at the most random, pseudo college in America. The most celebrated and anticipated "coming of age" duo…EVER announces they will be attending BGSU in the fall of 2003. So slap me silly and call me Danny Tanner, because the FUCKING OLSON TWINS ARE GOING TO BGSU! Yep…the hottest buzz evs surrounding twins since Kent Hrbeck and Dave Winfield will be sleeping in a dorm room about 100 miles from our nest in Oakland County. 100 miles? Well call me Eazy-E …cuz I will soon be 100 miles and runnin.’ Do you know how huge of a buzz this is? The Olson twins…so hot, and at BGSU…Why? Leave it to God to taunt me with the question "what if they were there when you were?" So when the Olson twins turn 18, The Giors will be down in BGSU trying to get them drunk, make them do some lewd acts…on film…and sell that shizz as the most sought after porn ever recorded! I think God owes me that much after this bullshizz. I’m now taking advanced orders….only $1,000 a tape….and worth every dollar!

"whoever i bang is bangin' me back"

when The Grizz wrote his landmark piece on Ferrell vs. Farrell, he forgot to tally up the Sexxx Factor. Today's Page Six, gossip section of The New York Post, reports that Britney Spears and Colin Farrell were seen getting hot and heavy at The Troubadour in LA this weekend. Quoth Page Six: ""I saw Britney Spears - who was intoxicated to say the least - and Colin Farrell talking on the couch," says our witness, "and the next thing I know he went in for the kill. Or maybe she did? All I know is, they were making out for a really long time. Then they all left together." Britney is turning into SUCH the megaslutball! Remember all of the hubbub over the last few weeks about Britney being an item with Durst? Well The Grizz is reporting this morning that Durst has removed all of his Britney-centric posts on Limp Bizkit's website! The girl is very aggressively playing the field and bangin' celebs to the left and to the rizz. and you KNOW that hookin' up with C. Farrell leads to a rendezvous with a large batch of Bolivian Marching Dust. looks like Justin Timbo was right after all, cry me a rivs Brit Brit!

we pardon this interruption of regularly scheduled programming for a political statement from Uncle Grambo

well, sorta.

flak to the rescue

though i'm not quite sure whether it's a disguised blessing or a horribly disfiguring curse, your humble editor of whatevs.org tried unsuccessfully to round up comments on this year's crop of Super Bowl commercials from assorted collegues in the advertising / marketing arena. perhaps it was the lateness of the request, perhaps the lameness of the commercials, perhaps it was the amount of alcohol consumed on sunday -- whatever reason, your Uncle Grambo received no replies to his request for content. but to this i shout a resounding "what evs!", because it honestly does not upset me that no one wrote back. this year's commercials all sucked, though some sucked WAY harder than others (I'm talking to you Ang Lee, "The Hulk" is gonna blow ass). the biggest laugh of the night was an unintentional one -- did you guys catch that spot where the two adults were solemnly looking at a positive pregnancy test? anyway, these two forlorn fortysomethings are staring at this EPT Stick all saddened and you start wondering what in the world could possibly be wrong with these two folks. hell, they've just been blessed by Hay-Seuss himself with the miracle of childbirth. well the camera pans across the room to show a white, teenage girl sitting on the bed and then it hits you ... the parents aren't preggers, the teenybopper is! how in the sam hell did this innocent little teen get knocked up? a voice-over tells us "Smoking marijuana impaired her judgement." cut immediately to belly-busting derisive laughter from me, The Grizz, Mandypantalons, Coach Glinka and Jillycakes. i mean, come ON, are you f'ing kidding me? unless your daughter is smoking weed with Snoop Dogg on his "Girls Gone Wild" tour, chances are pretty slim that marijuana use alone is going to land you in the Maternity Ward of Beaumont Hospital. adults -- so stupid!

getting back to my point, the Super Bowl commercials were very, very lame this year. i'm glad that no one wasted their time (or mine!) sending through commentary, especially when Flak Magazine just posted Super Bowl XXXVII | Operation Infinite Ads on their site. this wildly comprehensive review breaks down EVERY SINGLE AD and even groups them in convenient nuggets (Break 1, Break 2, Halftime Show, etc.) for us. totally best.

and for you "Joe Millionaire" fans out there, be sure and check out Lindsay Robertson's recap of Episode 4. she nails a couple of things PERFECTLY, including how Evan is ALWAYS drinking, how Melissa hilariously deemed herself as a "mercenary" (she meant to say "missionary"), Zora's look of "virtuous disappointment" when she doesn't get to experience any alone time in the hot tub with Evan, and finally The Blowjob (i knew it!) ... before you click through, here's an excerpt on said topic:

"Soon, we learn what dry-humping in gravel really sounds like, complete with subtitled moans.

[Female voice]: "Ahhhhh. Mwhah. Mmmmmm. Maybe it'll go better lying down? Slurp. Gulp. Slurp." Oooh, scandal!

Either Evan and Sarah both happen to be vocal exhibitionists, or the clause in their contract stipulating that they keep their mics on at all times carried a hefty penalty fee. There's no way to tell what really happened in those woods that night, but all the money in Vegas says it started with a "B" and ended with a "job."

good news for Detroit!

from the "you've GOT to be kidding me" files...

two entries have me shaking my head this morning, which is especially painful considering the whopper headache that this Tuss just ain't curin. first off is a piece in the LA Times by esteemed movie writer Patrick Goldstein, in which he scribbles 1,600 words that rail the MPAA for giving "Kangaroo Jack" a PG-rating, instead of a PG-13 rating. seriously, WTF? there have GOT to be better things to write about than this. like anyone is ever going to remember "Kangaroo J's" two months from now. c'mon.

addicted to mentholyptus

so i'm fighting off my first legit cold in about a year. after getting about five minutes of sleep on sunday night, my body apparently entered a weakened state and some sort of virus tried bustin' my balls. usually colds are no big whoops, but getting a cold on January 27th posed a little bit of an issue for me. let me set the scene.

i started coughing around 12:30pm or so yesterday afternoon. you know, a cough here or there. no biggs. but when 2pm rolled around, i began a consistent coughing fit that lasted until about 7pm. not any irratating, morning after smoker-type cough, but your occasional hack here and there. you know how it is, the mini-coughs you get right before you get the flu. in the big picture, none of this really matters. but i was faced with a major dilemna, because i had been scheduled for MONTHS to go see Johnny Marr and The Healers at The Magic Stick last night. do i go down to The Stick to see one of my all-time heroes or do i rest and recuperate on my couch and go to bed early? i think that i'm beginning to show my age (28 buzz), because i ended up passing on the concert to watch "My So Called Life" on DVD and the first 45 minutes of "Joe Millionaire." speaking of Joe Millionaire, i'm pretty sure that Sarah introduced Evan to the works of Billy Joel. if you get my meaning. but anyway, for those of you (like me) who didn't get to go to Marr last night, here's an email exchange between The Grizz and myself about the occurences of last night.

-----Original Message-----
From: The Grizz
Sent: Tuesday, January 28, 2003 9:04AM
To: Uncle Grambo
Subject: Marr

summed up best by nummer. "forgettable"

--- "Uncle Grambo" wrote:
that sucks. i was cashed out by 9:45, couldn't even stay up to see who got the boot on Joe Millies. as soon as you left, i got up to make myself a cup of tea but decided that sleep would be better. thank god for Drew & Mizz, i found out that MoJo got the hammer dropped on her.

sorry for dissing out. i still feel like Thade but at least i feel rested.

did you see damore?

word.
-mark

--- "The Grizz" wrote:
you don't have to feel like thade, but nice thade reference nonetheless.

when we got there we caught up with nummer, repped some sgt. pepperonis, and went upstairs where we were immediately greeted by GKVizz, damore and friggedy. GKV was talking a lot about his vibe. it was pretty hot.

marr came on at about 10:20; mandy, nummer and i stayed for about 10 songs and then took off. all the songs sounded sort of generic and marr's vocals sort of sucked. damore compared their sound to the stone roses circa "second coming." i think that praise is a little high.

anyway, one of the guitar players looked like peabs. other than that, you didn't miss anything.

glad you got some rest last nizz. you should go home early today if you can.

peace in the east
AG

freep scoops news

mornhinweg buzz

krengels buzz

"i was always a journalism groupie"

super best wknd

another weekend gone by, another monday where i'm tired and slightly hung ovs. been v. busy this morning, which is too bad considering i have little or no energy because i only got about five minutes of sleep last nizz. spent most of the night hurling, but not from being overserved. i ate some bad food somewhere along the way, which is unsurprising considering how much food i threw down my cakehole yesterday. so much mexican dip, so much kielbasa, so many tortilla chips, so many slices of ham, and i'm pretty sure that the two slices of pizza i had for lunch didn't help matters much. shatts.

anyhooz, here's a few links to keep you occupied this morn / afternoon, courtesy of Flak Magazine. first off is a dissection of Miller Light's "Cat Fight" ad, which is currently the fave :30 ad of hetero males everywhere. the writer (some bloke named Bob Cook) has an interesting take on why Miller Lite has decided to stoop so low on the evolutionary ladder of advertising and what they forgot -- "(Miller Lite) has made a fundamental error in its advertising — it doesn't tell you the stuff is any good. No matter how you advertise it, no matter how many jiggling breasts and late-night, 900-number-ad-style come-ons you air, the ads will be ineffective in actually selling the product if you don't give a tangible reason to consume it." good point, but c'mon ... who doesn't dig scantily clad hotties mud wrestling for beer?

"detroit has more of an image problem than an anorexic at prom time"

this rant courtesy of the one and only Grizz. mad props must be unleashed for providing whatevs.org with a steady stream of Piping Hot Content all this week. this little piece about Tha D and how our how thin our collective skin is will make you laugh out loud at least three times. however, for me, the best part is that subtly exposes the biggest taboo in Detroit, and i'm not talking about race relations or police enforcement or casinos or prostitution or bombed out buildings or homelessness or even crizzack. the one thing that you just can't do as a Detroiter is to stand up and crack back on the City. every 12-stepper knows that the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem, and that's one thing Detroiters never do. our problem is that we're so overly protective of Tha D and all it stands (stood?) for, that we can't see the forest for the trees. but before i start going off and boring y'all to tears, i'll leave it up to the far more eloquent and hee-haw-larious Grizz to break it down for y'all ...

"so i come in to work this morning and the very first thing i see is julie hinds' ridiculous non-story in the freep (http://www.freep.com/entertainment/tvandradio/det24_20030124.htm). immediately i start fuming. the story focuses on the "cheap shots" that "american idol" dealt to detroit the other night when the judges knocked the city's talent pool. to quote hinds -- whose work i usually admire, it should be noted -- "detroit is still reeling from the beating it took on reality tv this week." (her other evidence? ferndale bob got the boot from "the bachelorette" on wednesday.) as far as the "american idol" judges not being impressed by the talent put forth by the D -- HELLO!?? HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AMERICAN FUCKING IDOL?? the whole show is built around the acid-tongued barbs of simon cowell and would be nothing without them. we tune in to the god damn show (in record numbers, mind you -- note uncle grambo's posts from yests) to see him rip apart talentless wannabes, so much so that it's pretty much the entire premise of the program. should that change just because he's in detroit, a city that's been bereft of buzz since the late '60s? should he be polite to the singers and the city because detroit's ego is more bruised than pete townshend's D after a late-nite online sesh? hardly. alas, hinds isn't the only culprit here; drew and mizz were going off on the wrif airwaves yesterday about how bad "american idol" had made the city of detroit look. to quote the late, great nell carter, "gimme a brizz." i think it's a case of detroiters wanting to look bad, almost craving others to take pot shots at us so we can act all defeated as a result. this city and its inhabitants are so inherently f'd that if any outsiders state the truth about our crumbling ruins of a city. we coil up into a little ball. it's fine if we say it -- "look where the fuck we stay at," D12 state, laughing, on its "devil's night" LP -- but if ryan seacrest should happen to make an off-hand remark about how cold the city is, everyone's up in arms about how bad our city is being portrayed on television. get over yourselves. you know what i'm saying? it's not like there's articles in the new york times, the atlanta journal constitution or the miami herald about how simon came through and made their cities look like shit, but here in detroit, the story's sitting there staring right at you. detroit should be god damn good and happy "american idol" even bothered coming through town -- both it and the latest "making the band" actually kicked off their talent searches here in the city -- not crying over how it was portrayed on film. furthermore, people are up in arms about how shitty "8 mile" made the city look. news for you, losers: all they did is come in and turn the cameras on. how about "boyz n the hood" or "menace?" were there stories in the LA times about how bad those movies made los angeles look? doubt it. detroit needs to wake up and take a cold hard look at itself. sure, eminem is the biggest pop star in the world, the white stripes have buzz and the magic stick is a cool place to bowl. but the city sucks. and that's cool, that's actually what i like about it. i've got no problems with detroit, i just happen to accept it for what it is. but so many people in this city are so defensive about admitting the truth or stating an observation about detroit that they're desperate for someone to say something bad about it -- like guineyprops, when he beats others to the punch with his fat jokes -- so they can act appalled at the very notion that this isn't the worst metropolis in the united states. but when it comes down to it, they never actually listen to what the people are saying and are too wrapped up in their own detroitosity to see the big picture. detroit has more of an image problem than an anorexic at prom time. but if people are really, truly concerned about the city and its future, why do they let kwame and his bizzoys dress up like pimps (pinstriped suits are the norm for Big K) and pushers (i seriously saw the mayor's "press secretary" wearing a sideways fedora hat with a feather in it on wdivizz local 4) when they're supposed to be leading detroit's charge into the future? and as for guiney's being dismissed on "the bachelorette" making the city look bad -- or famie's bad rice, another argument hinds posed -- let's be god damn motherfuckin rease. obvs."

-the grizz

everything i learn, i learn from MTV

a few quick hits from MTV.com before i'm off to meetings for the next three hours...

• good news for Dido fans. one of whatevs.org's fave hotties is currently recording her follow-up to the multi-platinum smash "No Angel" and is targeting a fall release date. can't wait for more of that ethereal acoustic dreaminess...

• as whatevs.org astutely noted back on July 29th, Brit Brit was "all dolled-up and looking like a two-bit sellout" in those Skechers 4Wheeler ads. well, it turns out that the rest of the American public felt the same way and avoided those rollerskates like they avoided "Pluto Nash." to add insult to injury, Skechers is now claiming that their relationship with Britney lost them tens of millions of dollars. "We did not get any value out of the money we gave her," Skechers attorney Daniel Petrocelli alleges, as Skechers prepares to file suit against Britney for breach of contract for "skating out" on a 3-year contract with the company. developing ...

• this last bit of news is a few days old, but interesting nonetheless. next week's Billboard Music Charts reveal that The Donnas will sail 50 spots higher on next week's Top 200 Albums Chart, landing at a respectable #67. while actual sales figures for "Spend The Night" were not listed, it's fair to assume the band sold around 20,000 records after their performances on TRL and SNL. i heard "Take It Off" on WRIF last night, of all places. hottness.
  

  while that's all well and good, the real story of the charts this week is that Kid Rock's "Cocky" has moved into the Top 20 for the first time in over a year, thanks to the success of his duet with Sheryl Crow on "Picture." the single has, according to MTV, "re-introduced the pimp of the nation to adult contemporary formats, where his "Only God Knows Why" once had a home, and established his place on country radio." that's great news for Kid, who has been trashed all over the plizz because "Cocky" didn't even come close to replicating the success of "Devil Without A Cause." but as we all know, with every silver lining there's a cloud. the bad news is that the record still sucks.

attack of The Grizz

besides the fantastic Ferrell vs. Farrell that is posted directly below, whatevs.org's fave member of the press hits readers with a whopping three stories in today's Detroit News. first and foremost, you may have read it here first yesterday, but The Grizz reports on the recent success of "American Idol." the similarities are verrrrry interesting (Grambo: "absolutely TROUNCED some very stiff competition", Grizz: "trounced the competition"). booya!

if music's your thing, reviews of The Raveonettes' "Whip It On" ("Imagine the White Stripes as a '50s-era, B-horror loving duo with the Jesus and Mary Chain's Jim Reid on vocals and Elvira on drums") and "Music from the Motion Picture 'Chicago' " are also featured. Here's a choice quote from the latter:

"Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, she's still (she's still) Zeta from the block. Seriously, if Jennifer Lopez can pass herself off as a pop star to the tune of platinum sales, where's the Catherine Zeta-Jones solo album? When she sings "the gin is cold, but the piano's hot!" on the "Chicago"-opening "All That Jazz," she exudes such a crazy verve and a sexy confidence that you want her to book studio time with Ja Rule to record a slinky, radio-friendly duet ASAP."

WHATEVS.ORG EXCLUSIVE!!!

Ferrell vs. Farrell
by The Grizz

Come mid-February, the battle at the box-office will heat up, BIG TIME, when "Daredevil" opens up one week prior to the hotly anticipated "Old School." While on the surface these two pictures have very little, if anything, in common -- other than their target audience of adolescent males -- there's a grudge match between the two movies' stars taking place just below the surface. No, jerkies, I'm not talking about Ben Affleck and Luke Wilson, but rather, Will Ferrell and Colin Farrell. Who will come out on top of this fiercely competitive war that has divided the streets in two even moreso than the Jay-Z / Nas battle royale of the last two years? Let's look at the tale of the tape.

NAME	WILL FERRELL	COLIN FARRELL
Mugshot
Age	35	26
Height	6'3"	6'
Originally From	Irvine, CA	Dublin, Ireland
Seen As	A proudly overgrown nerd	A handsome, profane, chain-smoking bad boy
Best Known For	His years of hard work on SNL	His ability to keep landing plum roles in huge Hollywood films ("Minority Report," "Hart's War," "The Recruit") and failing to break through in any of them
Best Role	George W. Bush on SNL	Vanity Fair cover model
First Role	TV's "Bucket of Blood" (1995)	TV's "Ballykissangel" (1996)
Right Hand Man	Chris Kattan	Joel Schumacher
Salary Buzz	$350,000 for SNL, 2001-02	$5 million for "The Recruit," $8 million for "S.W.A.T."
Writer?	Yes (wrote "A Night at the Roxbury")	Nope
Cokehead?	Nope	Yes
"Bachelorette" Doppleganger	Bob Guiney	Russ
Quote	"Few people know I'm fueled by my massive hatred of immigrants" (as Neil Diamond)	"I tell them, 'When you're at home puking your guts out, I'll be here drinking my Amstel Light." (on drinking tequila)
In 5 Years Will Be	Still making modestly successful comedies	Still waiting for his big break
Destiny	The new Bill Murray at best, the new Chevy Chase at worst	The new Rob Lowe

further proving my theory that "everyone loves white girls"

shiiiiiiit. when you're right, you're right. i've been spouting this theory for years and have yet to be proven wrong. a quick google search of whatevs.org reveals four different mentions of the phrase, and here is another example to back up my point. US Weekly is reporting (via PageSix) that Nicole Kidman and Q-Tip (former lead singer of A Tribe Called Quest) were spotted at the ultra-trendy NYC sushi bar Nobu "making out a lot over dinner." according to the article, Q and Satine "have been kicking it for over a month now" and met through their mutual pal Leo DiCaprio. bonita applebaum you GOTTA put me on!

it's on fox

yes, i'm tatts

ding dong the bitch is dead

The Aftermizz Of The Golden Globes
a photographic retrospective compiled by uncle grambo

quoth The Lawrs

"I think she's really going to skank out on the next episode."

The Lawrs is one of the unsung FOWs who just doesn't get his deserved props ... until now, that is. after cracking up just about everyone at Fifth Ave (CoPa stizz) on Friday night with his Igor Larionov impressions ("Hey, hey Haaawk-eee-towwwn, ah whee-oooo!"), The Lawrs scores some prime quotes in an article focusing on the controversies surrounding "The Bachelorette." obvs, it was none other than The Grizz who wrote this top-notch piece that also manages to grab quotes from Trista herself, as well as Ferndale Bob (who is still alive and kicking in tonight's episode) and our cousin J-Bo. other than scoring some great quotes, this subject matter of this article digs deeper than whether or not "The Bachelorette" is a good / bad television program -- The Grizz chooses to focus on the cultural impact that the show might have. will audiences (particularily females) get turned off by what Matt Lauer calls "the floozy factor"? will this show help conquer the great gender divide of sleeping around (my self-dubbed "Stud / Slut Dynamic" ... take THAT Lauer!)? who knows, but take some time to read the article and you won't be disappointed.

i heart tennis

tickets to what you need

he's turning Madonna down and calling it his best move. he's got the tickets to what you need!

SNL Host Buzz over here

(courtesy of Nummer)

"Saturday Night Live" is relying on an even mix of first timers and old pros to headline the show throughout the month of February, according to a source at the show.

The fun will begin February 8, when Matthew McConaughey and Dixie Chicks are both scheduled to make their debuts. McConaughey's latest film, the romantic comedy "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," hits theaters that weekend. Dixie Chicks latest album, "Home," is up for Album of the Year at this year's Grammy awards.

"Alias" star Jennifer Garner is set to take on hosting duties the next weekend, February 15, with musical guest Beck back for a fourth time. Garner co-stars with Ben Affleck in the action film "Daredevil," opening that weekend. Beck's album "Sea Change" is up for Best Alternative Music Album at the Grammys.

The month is slated to end with a bang, as Christopher Walken returns for a sixth time as host, alongside the music of Foo Fighters, Grammy nominated for their rock song "All My Life."

All guests are subject to change until confirmed by NBC.

the donnas have so much buzz

when it comes to Buzz Bands these days, nobody's hotter (literally AND figuratively) than The Donnas. their 30 minute set on MTV2 last mondizz rocked TRL, but was nothing compared to their utterly rad performances of "Take It Off" and "Who Invited You?" on SNL this wknd. now renowned music writer Greil Marcus is spouting their praises on the pages of Salon.com ... so much buzz! so much buzz that i even forgive them for getting my car stolen at their October 2001 show at the Magic Stick! when you can overcome Stolen Car Vibes, you know you're hotter than hott. anyway, here's what Greil had to say ...

2) Donnas, "Spend the Night" (Atlantic)

"Faster than sound," as Big Brother and the Holding Company put it 35 years ago in San Francisco, up the Peninsula from the Donnas' Palo Alto. But Big Brother didn't have Skyline Boulevard in their blood. Speed-shifting on the Skyline turns at midnight, way above the Stanford hills, is just what the Donnas' new music feels like -- except when it feels like X in 1980, the punk band burning their song "Los Angeles" into the pavement like rubber. Today "You Wanna Get Me High" jumps off the radio, as familiar as weather, as much of a shock as lightning hitting your house. "Take It Off" is right behind. This is what rock 'n' roll never forgets -- or rather it's what rock 'n' roll always forgets, until people like Brett Anderson, Maya Ford, Torry Castellano and Allison Robertson find it.

return of whatevs!

so much buzz, so little time. sorry for the lack of updates over the last few days, i was out sick on Friday and yesterday was some MLK hittins. obvs. i'm booked solid in meetings until 4pm, which blows because i've got lots to say about the events of the last five days. but we'll start with this quick hit...

in Hollywood, it is a time-tested rule that all press is good press. apparently not for my Jailbait Homegirl Winonzies Rizz, because it looks like her recent grand theft and vandolism conviction has landed her in B-movie hell. winona just signed on to appear in an upcoming film called "Eulogy", which also stars such acting stalwarts as "Everybody Hates" Ray Romano, Hank "Don't Call Me Apu" Azaria, and Monica "Still Attempting To Ride On Patch Adams Buzz" Potter. the project will be written and directed by some lame ass named Michael Clancy, who is so well respected in Hollywood that he doesn't even appear on the IMDB. winona ... worst.

rant de peabs

this will be self-explanatory. the following is a rant that I received this afternoon from the one and only Peabs. it is a work of art.

---

From: Peabs
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 2003 12:36:50 EST
Subject: Barflizzies.
To: markdgraham@yahoo.com

Lately, yours truly, Peabs, has been spending most of his tiz either jazzing on your miz, or pseudo-managing at G-Willie-T style. And upon doing the latter, I have come across some characters worthy of namedropping; peeps that make JP McKrengels and Al Franken seem like nobodies, full on Kev Costner-stizz.

Flashbiz to Monday niz, circa Midnizzies.

There's this cock-star we like to call Tony Soprano, not so much for his striking resemb to James Gandolbestevs, but more so for his striking gorilla features, not so much Gorilla-stizz, but ya know, a fucking monkey. So Tony Toni Tone digs sitting at the biz, drinking a Coke, and swearing at his multiple personalities. Or he has tourette's (best!) and is swearing at the television. Either way equals "So fucking tigs." in the overall equation of liz. Oh yeah, to bizzoot, he has a larynx biz or whatevs-- you know, those tigs contraptions when you smoke ten packs a diz since you were cold kickin' it in the coal mines at age 6, Sissy Spacek-stizz-- so you can barely hear him spizz, thus making his random spouting off of expletives even that much more enjoyably tigs.

Howevs-- and there's always a tigs howevs in every stizz-- Tony S. didn't even compizz to the next Bozo that stumbled into G-Besties the other niz. This fucking cock-ring had obvs been out playing his version of the Grand Prize Game, with a full on raging boner for all things fagolicious, as he entered the biz all F'ed on who-the-fuck-knows-what (anybody that's done who-the-fuck-knows-what will understizz). He asks if we're open and if he can have a drizz. Yours truly wanted to say: "Obvs you fucking dildo, it's a biz, so lick my tats." But unfortch, I cannot spizz such brilliance. I notice it's 1:45 in the morn, so this douchenozzle has got a drink's worth alloted. He orders up a Mic Lizz and a shot of Crown Rizzie (which he ends up drizzing a sip, the fucking puss-bag!), and I tell him it's last call for alcohol, like a bad song by SemiSonic. He says, "Yes, sir" and salutes me. Now, anyone that knows Peabs knows his infatuation with the hatred of all militant forces; yours truly, the son of Fos, raging 70's neo-hippie galore; so I found his salute to me to be preposterous, totally worst! The man introduces himself as Woody... 15 times. And, he asks me my names nearly as many times, which was followed by "Continental Lanes welcomes you, Matt!" Fucking wack job. Woodrow then proceeds to thank me for spending all of the money. I reply: "On what?" His answer?

"You know what, Matt. You know. That new Mustang."

While I already knew that W wasn't rizz in the hizz, this solidified it. Of course, until he decided to get all Super Racist Dude all up on this piece, shouting his disdain for African-Americans and continuing to salute me, thank me, and introduce his worthless, piece of shit self. On a scale of one to tiz for full-on worst evs wack job, this dude was off the charts. Plus, his name was fucking Woody! Who in the fuck is named Woody anymore? Not since the glorious days of Woody from Cheers just the charcter, not Harrelson), or Woody Woodpecker, or Ohio State coach Woody or Woody "Don't Call Me Woodrow" Wilson has the name been tigs. Even the resurgence of recent Clemson QB and current NFL washout Woodrow "Woody" Danzler couldn't save the name.

And after Monday Niz, the once great name of Woody was set back years. Decades even.

The name Matthew, howevs, was not. I am gorgeous.

et al

not a lot to discuss today. as i feared, my lack of strenuous work yesterday has led to a semi-hellish day today. alas, i've still got some buzz left in me, some of which originates from the collective mindshare of the FOW Nation. clicky clicky!

• in response to The Supreme Court decision to uphold lengthier copyrights protecting the profits of songs, books and cartoon characters, The Gorilla sent along this reaction:
  

  "Disney sucks it hard, they make shit loads of money off public domain children’s stories (Cinderella, Snow White, et. al) and then they buy votes in congress to keep their own intellectual property from falling into the public domain. The checks and balances don’t work when Congress has a mouth full of Goofy balls. Worse than worst – full-on-German Wurst."

  i couldn't agree more, i can't see why the Public Domain laws should be changed just to benefit corporate behemoths like Disney and AOL/Time Warner. alas, i guess that's what the Big Bucks can buy you these days.

• if you have spent anytime with Coach Glinka recently, you know that he knows more about Muggles and Hogwarts than just about any other Gen X'er. whether or not that's a good thing is still up for debate. regardless, he was kind enough to take the time to pass along the word that the fifth Harry Potter book will be released on June 21st. quoth The Coach, "Dude, Dumbledore is gonna reveal everything!"

• add this to the growing list of accomplishments made by people younger than me. it looks like Jodi Kantor, a 27 year-old editor at Slate.com, is the new front runner to become the editor of The New York Times' "Arts & Leisure" section. mega-impressive, but i'm surprised they didn't look for the editor of whatevs.org!!!

• while it doesn't quite stack up to "Joe Millionaire", ABC's "The Bachelorette" earns special buzz because it features a local dude on the show. i saw Bob out at Dick O'Dow's last Thursday night, but surprisingly he wasn't really recognized. that's all about to change, because The Grizz profiles him in today's Detroit News.

• The Los Angeles Times' Robert Hilburn has taken a few months off from writing his "Ask Robert Hilburn" column, but Tuesday's edition finally featured a new column.

• "It's definitely different than a T-shirt". Devoted alumni and fans of their college team can show their undying school spirit with college-themed caskets. (thanks to Maw for this story!)

• the following is a mini-editorial (complete with link!) from JP McKrengels: "Perhaps our man in Amsterdam (well Poland really) Kegzies was right? In the 90's we had the "Decade of the Woman" or was it just a year (it sure felt like a decade). Now that Bush is here maybe we'll have the "Decade of the WASP". Take a look at this article involving President Bush and the University of Michigan's racial admissions battle. I for one, will now be applying and getting accepted to both Michigan's B- School and Law School simultaneously. Looks like I'll have some tough Postgraduate choices in the next year or so. I'm inspired! Hot New York Jewish girls... here I come!" (in response to http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/national/AP-Bush-Affirmative-Action.html)

• finally, the lovely and talented Miss Melody Licious passed along the following info in response to my post regarding the RW/RR BOTS...best!
  

  ---------- Melody Licious wrote:
  

  I'm completely in love/addicted to Battle of the Sexes. It could only be better if it was two hours long. I'm such a fan/nerd I even have a Fantasy Challenge team on Mtv.com. I'm hoping the Belgian > doesn't get voted off because he's just too hot. Same goes for all gay boys. Anyway, here are some more related websites for your p.e.
  

  — www.princessmelissa.com - Melissa from New Orleans Real World. Check out the "real world" section for her inside scoop at the BOTS episodes. The rest of it is pretty much crap
  

  — www.countrytoconcrete.org - Danny from New Orleans' website
  

  — www.planetjulie.com - Julie from New Orleans' website. It's pretty boring though.
  

  — www.planetsocks.com - Hilarious recaps. The usually post BOTS and RW episode with in 48 hours of the episode's airing.
  

  — www.televisionwithoutpity.com - recaps of all your favorite shows done in a hilarious manner. It usually takes 3 or 4 days (sometimes more) for the recap to be posted, but they are usually pretty thorough and funny.

recent obsessions

i love days like this. today has been a brief respite from the sheer volume of projects that normally fly across my desk in a given day. and because your visits mean so much to me, i'm going to capitalize on this opportunity to spend a little time gabbing about some of the better things i've stumbled upon on recent visits along the Information Superhighway.

anybody whose ever visited this site before or spent 22 seconds talking to me knows that i'm a pop culture freak. and if you like to get freaky on the Pop Culture tip even half as much as i do, you need to stop what you're doing and click on over to Gawker.com. by their own definition, Gawker is "a live review of city news, and by news we mean, among other things, urban dating rituals, no-ropes social climbing, Condé Nastiness, downwardly-mobile i-bankers, real estate porn -- the serious stuff." in layman's terms, it's a Manhattan-centric blog that caters to young, trendy aspiring members of the glitterati, somehow managing to balance tawdry Page Six type gossip and crisp analysis of literary comings and goings. in other words, it is everything that whatevs.org aspires to be. updated multiple times throughout the day, Gawker is equal parts Smart and Sexxxy and will quickly become one of your Refresh-worthy sites. on top of all this, they are starting to break in with exclusive, original content that fits their mold through and through. for example, a piece called ""The Search For A Perfect Coke Dealer" was posted yesterday. i can't quite put my finger on whether or not it is pure fiction or a pure interview, but my guess is that it's a little of both. regardless, it's fascinating and funny and an all-around great read. Gawker -- best new website in ages!

however, i know there has to be some FOWs out there who could care less that "Celeb #1 is bangin' Celeb #2" or whether or not Pornikova has a tattoo on her arse. i know that you're few and far between, but i know that you're out there. the best thing about Sarah Hepola is that i'm very confident that her work will appeal to FOWs of all shapes and sizes. i first stumbled upon this Austin-based freelance writer on a site called The Morning News.org when she wrote an article about Ilan Mitchell-Smith, better known as Wyatt from "Weird Science." i linked to this story a few months back, but discovered that Miss Hepola had a site (Sarah Hepola.com) that she updated every so often. and in the past couple of days, she has written a couple of fantastic short stories that exist somewhere in the plane between fiction and reality. her most recent piece currently resides at the top of her site, and it feels to me like a meditation on breaking up with a boyfriend. it reminds me a little bit of a piece of dialogue from "Kicking And Screaming", where Grover laments that Jane has quit smoking. here's an excerpt:

"When we used to smoke we’d stay up till 3am drinking red wine and confessing everything, tipping over glasses and ripping seams, and I would wake up at 6am, having forgotten everything but the cigarettes, tens of them, thousands of them, stuck in my clothes and my hair, my tongue feeling as if it had grown a beard, and ashes on the floor, and ashes in the bed. You snored liked a giant.
“I’m never smoking again,” I told you when you woke.
“This is foul,” I told you as we made the bed. “Foul, foul.”
“I don't even like cigarettes,” I told you as we cleaned.
But the sun went down and it turned cold outside and I just wanted to join you, in the chair by the window where you sat, smoking."
-Sarah Hepola, from Sarah Hepola.com

click click click

before i scoot out the door to pick up "Blue Crush" and "About A Boy" from Besties, here are a few noteworthy links for you to nibble on...

• i should've linked to this a few weeks ago but i forgot. The Grizz and Tom Long collaborated on this comprehensive review of the Year 2002. included within is basically everything that you need to win the Pink Pie when the 25th Anniversary Edition of Trivial Pursuit comes out in 2006.
  

• are you as infatuated with the Real World / Road Rules "Battle Of The Sexes" as I am? of course not, you actually have a life. but if you care to dip your toe in the Ocean of Bunim-Murray Obsession, a great place to start is with the blogs of the show's participants. there are a few net-savvy cast members whose recaps of "behind the scenes" occurences from each episode are positively priceless. they include Colin's World (obvs from Colin of the RW Hawaii Cast) and Everything Lori (Lori from RW NYC who, incidentally, is the hottest Real World or Road Rules cast member of all-time). enjoy!
  

• going virtually unnoticed (because it happened during the holidays) was the death of ace photog Herb Ritts. media outlets from coast to coast attributed the death to "complications stemming from pneumonia", which we all know is code for AIDS. a column that appeared in New York's Newsday magazine suggests that the lack of "energetic reporting" is a throwback to the closeting of AIDS during the Reagan-era. this is a well-thought out and very interesting piece, especially for those of you who follow the media as closely as i do.
  

• spinning off in a completely divergent direction from the last bullet point is this interview with Christopher Walken that appeared in yesterday's Los Angeles Times. anyone who has seen "Catch Me If You Can" knows that Walken's performance as Frank's father is the crutch that allows Leo's performance to shine. without the understated and genius-level work of Walken, i guarantee this movie would've fallen into the same sentimental BS territory as Spielberg's last six or seven flicks. check out the interview because Walken rules.
  

• if you grew up in the `80s, chances are you have a tape or CD somewhere in your collection of Yaz's "Upstairs At Eric's." if this is indeed the case, you'll probably be interested to hear that Alison Moyet has released a new album. Salon.com profiles her and fills us in on what she's been up to for the last 10 or so years...
  

• this one speaks for itself. "A Russian court has upheld a $10,000 fine imposed on an advertising agency for showing a clip from the U.S. film comedy "The Big Lebowski" that the government says contributed to a rampage by soccer thugs in Moscow." at least they didn't pee on his rug!
  

• last but not least, is there an Untz Fan alive who doesn't love listening to Pete Tong's "Essential Mix"? available online through BBC Radio, this show is broadcast every Friday afternoon live. "so what?" you ask. well, i retort with "on January 31st through February 2nd they'll be broadcasting live from New York"! special guests include Funkmaster Flex and DJ Cipha Sounds, who threw down some absolutely SICK tracks in Spike Lee's latest film, "25th Hour." this will be worth firing up your good ole Real Player during work and listening in. obvs.