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Hayek Buzz

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by Nummer and H-Bomb

Episode 15: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera (3/15/03)

FOUR CONEYS! = John Belushi
THREE CONEYS! = Amy Poehler
TWO CONEYS! = Tim Meadows
ONE CONEY! = Melanie Hutzel
HALF A CONEY! = Charles Rocket
No CONEYS! = Self-Explanatory

Hayek Buzz

Gonna Get Dirrrty

0-10 Coneys – Garbage
11-20 Coneys – Needs Improvement
21-30 Coneys – Average
31-40 Coneys – Above Average
41-50 Coneys - Instant Classic
51+ Coneys - Unparalleled Comic Genius

OAD = Original Air Date*

(*To be fair, coneys will be awarded the same as they were the first time they aired)


I'm probably not the most qualified to offer pre-show comments for Miss Hayek. I've only seen her in Four Rooms, From Dusk Till Dawn and Dogma. Add up the screen time for all three, and you probably have 10 or 15 minutes! I guess that doesn't exactly make me a Hayek authority.

What does this all mean? Well much like Murphy, Garner and Vardalos, I basically have no idea what to expect (sort of a theme this season isn't it). She is pretty cute, so a Astronaut Jones or Leatherman wouldn't surprise me. Wouldn't mind X-Tina showing up in a sketch or two either. SNL has poked SO MUCH fun at her this season, it would be pretty clever if she bit back somehow. Even though I don't know what to expect, I'd have to say hopes have been set pretty high. Last week's Latifah/Dynamite episode was the surprise hit of the season! Hopefully by not taking time off between episodes, the streak will continue.

I know that I sound like a broken record, but again, I have absolutely no idea what to expect from this week's SNL with host Salma Hayek. I don't know a whole lot about Hayek. I haven't seen her in very many movies, but from what I have seen, she seems rather feisty so I'm probably going to lean towards a pretty good show.

As far as Aguilera, she's crazy with an amazing voice. I'm actually looking forward to her performances. And I do anticipate seeing her in at least one sketch. I am willing to bet anything that she'll appear in a Versace skit with Maya.

Cold Opening: Bush Press Conference
Premise: After criticism that his last Press Conference had weak question regarding war, Bush decides to host another one.

This has been the best Parnell Bush yet. Why? Probably because he didn’t have to carry the whole thing himself. Having all theses wacked-out random media bozos making up the press conference was great. I wish Sanz would portray Harry Knowles in every episode man! “How kick ass was that new Matrix trailer?”

I’m also feeling much better about the Iraq situation knowing that Bush believes “pineapples will continue to be sweet and juicy if we go to war”.

There are actually TOO MANY good things and funny characters to mention in this review. Basically, this is the best cold opener since Gore/Phish.

All I can say is thank God this latest Bush installment wasn’t all Parnell. I tried and tried but he is just not funny as George W. But the press conference setting seemed to work. A definite highlight was Forte from Online Matchmaker Dating Services asking Bush if he believed “there was a match for a man like Saddam Hussein.” Some others were Poehler’s High Life magazine character and for some reason, I thought Meyers was pretty funny as a rep from the Tom Cruise fan club. Hayek episode off to a good start.

Monologue: Hayek

At first I was getting very nervous that they were going to use the “male cast members try to impress female host” idea AGAIN. Luckily, it had a little twist with a cameo from Ed Norton in the Pat Benetar cover band! I mean, they practiced their song for 5 weeks just to make Salma happy!

And how fucking gorgeous is Salma Hayek in those jeans?

These monologues have been very surprising lately. First Queen Latifah’s kingdom of hip-hop and now Kattan’s Pat Benetar cover band, “Shadows of the Night,” serenading Hayek!! Everything in this monologue was hilarious, especially Forte’s singing. “WEEEE BELOOONG!!” Armisen on electric drums, Richards dancing and Norton’s cameo were just icing on the cake. Best!!

Sketch: Top O’ The Morning
Premise: Recurring sketch in which two Irishmen host a show in a bar

Fuck it. I officially like this sketch and look forward to it now. Ever since the Liotta installment, I find myself quoting these characters all the time. I still say it’s a ripoff of many SNL things past, but it’s coming across as funny to me.

Loved the snakes! The python that keeps playing Crocodile Rock was hilarious. And Alfie the midget? Did anyone catch how pissed off he was when he drank that beer!

Comic gold – and SAVE IT when it comes to calling me a hypocrite!

Well, I would like to say that I officially still don’t like this sketch, but they seem to be getting better. Unfortunately, for Fallon and Meyers, the improvements had nothing to do with them. If it wasn’t for the snakes and one angry midget by the name of Alfie drinking beer, this wouldn’t have gotten nearly as many laughs / coneys as it did. Alfie! So angry!!

TV Funhouse: Are you hot or not?
Premise: The show adds a twist by rating cartoon characters

I’ve never seen the show, but I’ve been to the website. This seemed like it could have been a lot funnier. Optimus Prime wearing red underwear was good though!

Not quite sure how I still haven’t seen Are You Hot or Not?, but from what I’ve heard, this was pretty much dead on. I got a few chuckles out of this, particularly with the judging of Strawberry Shortcake (who was indeed creepy!) and that white dog with the saggy face (I totally forgot his name!!). “You need to botox the shit out of those.” Of course, the best was Optimus Prime in a red thong!

Sketch: Versache
Premise: Versache and friends prepare for Oscar night

Hate it! Not even Armisen doing a dead on impression of a mindless Hollywood celebrity assistant kiss ass could save this.

Heather-you called it on the Aguilera/Versache combo! Good call.

Knew this was coming, which somehow made it even worse.

Sketch: Husband in a box
Premise: A husband suspects his wife is cheating, so he hides in a box to spy

Forte! Fresh off his “Give up the ham” genius from last episode comes this! Man was this funny!

Where do you go to the bathroom? “That’s between me and the box”

This was one of those random sketches that could’ve easily sucked if not for Forte. He is so high on my list right now!! I wasn’t really dying of laughter, but it was still good. I loved it when he stuck his head out through the corner of the box! “ You know, I’m naked under here.” And usually when the word douche is used, specifically a “flippin’ douche,” it’s always pretty funny!

Smear Campaign #1: Chicago
Premise: Hayek tries to rally Oscar voters to Frida instead of Chicago

Good idea. Hayek tries to gain support by saying Chicago is actually plagiarism since there is a Broadway show with the same name and plot! It just didn’t come across as funny though. Something was missing.

OK skit but not too funny.

Music: Aguilera

She did the Beautiful song. Don’t really like it. Actually, I found it really annoying! I still want to see her and Justin at The Palace though!

I used to kind of like this song but I’m so sick of it now!! She’s got a great voice but she needs to lay off those runs!!

Weekend Update

Another great Update. There were some great bits about all the protest France stuff going on right now. Calling French Fries “Freedom Fries” and the French calling American Cheese “Idiot Cheese”.

From there they went in to a few fat jokes. While they were all funny, has anyone noticed this has been like the fourth episode in a row where Tina and Jimmy rag on fat people? What’s with the vendetta?

But wait….is that Armisen back as Ferecito! Yes! Not since October’s McCain/White Stripes. This one was just as good as the others – and Hayek’s face during the close ups was hilarious.

Just when Update couldn’t get any better, out comes Poehler with a 110% impression of Avril Levigne. “I don’t know who David Bow-ee is or the Sex Pie-Stols. I’m 17 and they’re like 100 so UGGHH!”

Kattan also did his Gollum bit again (previously seen in the SNL halftime special). It was OK, but he didn’t add ANYTHING to it. C’mon!

Fallon had to kill the pace with his latest installment of pop songs with reworked lyrics at the end though. Thanks to MacKenzie for filling me in on what a few of them were too! I’m starting to feel old when Fallon does these things – half the times I don’t know the songs he’s parodying! Worst.

Lots of stuff going on in this week’s Weekend Update. And fortunately most of them were pretty high-quality. The Freedom fries / Idiot cheese joke was good. I like the bits where Fey and Fallon just go on a rant, so I enjoyed the whole “Tina and Jimmy Yelling at America.”

Fericito!! It’s been way too long. Hayek was also pretty funny as Lupe, Fericito’s new wife and comedic sidekick.

Kattan’s Gollum was decent but not very memorable. As was Fallon’s Sandler-esqe song segment, although he did play Coldplay’s Clocks, which I love. Still annoying though.

The star of Weekend Update by far, though, was Poehler as “punk rocker” Avril Levigne. So hilarious!! Especially that slouch! “I’m a punk rocker! I’m wearing a boy’s tank top! Look at my mad face!! UUGHH!!”

Sketch: Adult Education
Premise: Hayek teaches a “Art of Seduction” class at the YMCA

Yes! Sanz is back as Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez. It’s now revealed that his ideal date is eating mac and cheese while watching Cartoon Network! It was also revealed that he never learned how to talk to girls because he grew up on a ship.

Armisen had a great character named Gabe Fisher too.

The sketch just never went anywhere though. Funny bits here and there, but by the end it had simply failed to develop.

This was kind of a flop in my opinion. But some good stuff came out of it. I liked Armisen’s Woody Allen-like character Gabe Fisher. It was good to see Sanz’s Vasquez again! Who knew he loved “macaroni and cheeses” so much?? Sounds almost as good as Jenny Craig’s mac and chee.

Smear Campaign #2: Chicago
Premise: Hayek continues to try and sway voters

This time Hayek is convinced that Chicago is directly related to terrorism. Came across about as funny as the previous installment.

Sorry Salma, but the whole terrorism thing is way too overused to be humorous.

Sketch: Channel 5 Late Night Movie: King Kong
Premise: The lost director’s cut of King Kong

Channel 5 Movies. Surprised this is back. It was last seen in the DeNiro/Jones disaster. It got 2 coneys then, and it’s getting 2 coneys now. These sketches start off with a decent idea, but then just recycle themselves by the halfway point. The bean bag chairs were funny though.

Boring, especially at this point in the show.

Music: Aguilera #2

A little better than the first one, but still quite annoying. I want Ms. Dynamite again!

Don’t like this song in the least. The actual performance was decent though.

Smear Campaign 3: Chicago
Premise: Hayek again continues to try and sway voters

Again? The bit about Zellweger really being a man was good. They could have found a better way to end the show though I’m sure!

They really should have found something else to close with. I did get one chuckle out of Hayek yelling about Zellweger having kohonas. “She can’t win Best Actress! She’s a dude!”

Closing Comments

Well. Here we are with a good, but ultimately average show as far as coneys go. Strong points were Parnell Bush, Weekend Update (Ferecito and Poehler Levigne), Top O’ the Morning and Husband in a Box. The rest was sort of forgettable.

The cast now has a few weeks off before Bernie Mac and Good Charlotte come to town. Should be interesting.

I think this episode turned out about as well as I expected. Not extremely funny but it had some good moments.


26 out of 56 Coneys.

23 Coneys out of a possible 56.

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