1999 GRAHAMMY AWARDS (FILM)
The Five Worst Films of
1998
5) "Fear
and Loathing In Las Vegas"
(Terry Gilliam) - Absolutely unwatchable.
4) "BASEketball" (David Zucker) - I literally did not laugh
once. I wanted to walk out, but I was more intrigued to stay and
see if a film that was reportedly a comedy couldn't make me laugh
even once. I guess I've seen it all now.
3) "Snake
Eyes" (Brian DePalma) -
Hurricanes, international intrigue, and boxing have never been so
fargin' boring.
2) "City
of Angels" (Brad
Siberling) - Nic Cage needs to crawl under a steamroller and just
die. And anyone who rides their bike down a highway no handed
with their eyes closed deserves to get
hit by a 40-ton logging truck. There.
1) "Godzilla" (Roland Emmerich) - To paraphrase Drew
& Mike, Godzillablows. Worst ever. 'Nuff said.
Acting Awards
Best Actor - Ed Norton, "American History X"
Best Actress - Jennifer Lopez, "Out of Sight"
Best Supporting Actor - Billy Bob Thornton, "A Simple Plan"
Best Supporting Actress - Patricia Clarkson, "High Art"
Various Other
Grahammy's Previously Awarded in Other Ceremonies
Best Director - "Terry" Malick, "The Thin Red Line"
Best Cameo (tie)- Jerry O'Connell, "Can't Hardly Wait"; Brett Favre, "There's Something About
Mary"
Best Character - Daryl Zero (Bill Pullman),
"Zero
Effect". Complex,
interesting, funny, tragic, and destined for loneliness. It's
unbelievably heartbreaking and ironic how the world's greatest
detective just can't seem to find the one thing he's looking for:
a true companion.
Worst Character - Bokhi Woodbine's hitman/chronic
masturbator in "The
Big Hit"
Smartest Script - Whit Stillman, "Last Days of Disco"
Best Music - "Rushmore", "Velvet Goldmine"
Best Reason Not To Skip Algebra In Middle School -
"Cube". Death comes to those who don't know prime
numbers and the Pythagorean theorem in what has got to be Mr.
Taylor's (my sadistic Geometry teacher in high school) dream come
true.
Person Most In Need of those annoying Tai Bo videotapes -
Kevin Corrigan's Goon in "Buffalo 66"
The "In Your Face, Macauley Culkin" Award -
Elijah Wood, "Deep
Impact" and "The Faculty"
Best Casting - "Happiness"
Worst Casting - "Psycho"
Best Cleavage In An Awful Movie - Jennifer Love
Hewitt (SO GRATUITOUS!!!), "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer"
Worst Cleavage In A Good Movie - Liz Shay's
Magda, "There's
Something About Mary"
Best Visual Feast - "Babe 2: Pig In The City"
Best Comeback - Chucky, "Bride of Chucky"
Best Movie Poster - "Out of Sight"
Worst Movie Poster - "You've Got Mail". What the hell is with that green color,
anyway?
Best Addiction - Ben Stiller & Crack, "Permanent Midnight"
Worst Addiction - Brad Pitt & Peanut Butter,
"Meet
Joe Black"
Worst Addiction, Part Deux - Susan Sarandon
& Pot, "Stepmom". Hello, Mr. Scriptwriter? What's up with
this?
Worst Hype - Gretchen Mol. It takes more than
appearing in a see-through blouse on the cover of Vanity Fair to
make it in Hollywood, babe.
Best Movie I Never Saw - "Life Is Beautiful" (Roberto Beginini)
Worst Movie I Never Saw - "Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver" (who cares!)
The "I've Got A Headache THIS Big and it's got
Excedrin Written All Over It" Award - "Armageddon" (Michael Bay)
Best Movie (If I Could Only Understand What The Hell Was
Going On) - "Dark City" (Alex Proyas)
Best Skin - Olivia Williams, "Rushmore"
Worst Skin - Chris Elliot, "There's Something About
Mary"
The "If You Hit Me Any Harder Over The Head With
Your Morals, I'm Gonna Have An Embolism" Award -
"Pleasantville" (Gary Ross)
Best Representation Of Heaven - Denise Richards
& Neve Campbell, "Wild Things"
Worst Representation of Heaven - "What Dreams May Come" (Vincent Ward). Who wants to walk in great
gobs of paint for all eternity, anyway? Worst ever.
Best Canine Performance - The dog in "There's Something About
Mary"
Worst Canine Performance - The dog in "Happiness". Yuck!
Best Credit Sequence - "Buffalo 66"
Best Surprise - Gwyneth Paltrow's lack of
clothing in "Shakespeare
In Love"
Worst Surprise - The ending of "Psycho"
Best Performance By An Inanimate Object - The
asteroid in "Armageddon"
Worst Performance By An Inanimate Object -
Christopher Reeve, "Rear Window"
Best Natural Element - Water ("Deep Impact", "Truman Show", "Deep Rising", "Saving Private Ryan")
Best Use of Said Natural Element - Denise
Richards' car wash in "Wild Things"
The Parker Posey Award For Film Ubiquity -
Gwyneth Paltrow ("Hush",
"Great
Expectations", "Sliding Doors", "Shakespeare In Love", "A Perfect Murder")
The Honorary Bodhi Award For Best Wave Since The 50 Year
Storm in "Point Break" - The killer tidal wave
in "Deep
Impact". Hang 10, dude!
Talk Faster, Please! - The cast of "Meet Joe Black"
Talk Slower, Please! - Chris Tucker, "Rush Hour"
Best Catchphrase - "Let's Span Time" -
Vincent Gallo, "Buffalo
66"
The Hubris Award - Brian DePalma, for his lame
ass 15 minute tracking shot to begin "Snake Eyes"
The Check Your Conscience At The Door Award -
Peter Berg, director of "Very Bad Things". I doubt this guy has a soul, much less a
conscience. Never has a more vile or disgusting movie made it to
the big screen. Of course, it was brilliant.
Best Car Scene - "Ronin"
Worst Car Scene - When Brad Pitt gets pancaked
in "Meet
Joe Black"
Best Reason To Go Back In Time - To hang with El
Duce from "Kurt
and Courtney"
Worst Reason To Go Back In Time - To re-live the
anguish and stupidity of "City of Angels"
Most Deceptive Film Title - "A Simple Plan"
Least Deceptive Film Title - "Two Girls and a Guy"
Thanks for sticking with me. I bet at least half of you never
made it this far, but if you did, my hat's off to you. And until
next year, the balcony is closed...
Mark Graham
February 8, 1999
