So, how was your summer vacation? Really, you did? That sounds like so much fun! Me? Mine was good, thanks for asking. Worked a lot, played a little, you know how it goes.

Ok, now that we’ve displensed with the pleasantries, how amazing spice is “Kid Nation”? Fuckin-A (or is it fuckinay? fuck-in-eh? fuchiné?), reality TV hasn’t been this fargin’ awesome since “The Pick Up Artist” went off the air. Ok, that was only like two weeks ago or whatever, but STILL. Kid Nation! Between that show and “Gossip Girl”, Hump Day is now even better than Howie Day!

But back to Kid Naish. Rather than recap the show (Ed Note: I don’t care if you click, bookmark, Google or RSS them, but whatever you do, don’t miss either Lindsay’s Vulture reviews OR Gabe’s HuffPo liveblog), I’d rather focus my time and yours contemplating three quick things:

—WHERE DID THESE KIDS LEARN ABOUT SHOTS? Not sure about your childhood, but neither The Senator nor your Uncle Grambo even knew what a shot WAS until we were like 14. Your Uncle Grambo has a sneaking suspicion that there’s a strong correlation between 10 year olds pounding root beer boilermakers to kill time in Bonanza City and the perpetual drunk fest that “The Real World” has been ever since show producers figured out that drunk people = great television. Thanks for nothing, Dommer!

—TAYLOR IS WELL ON HER WAY TO BECOMING HER GENERATION’S ALYSSA MILANO. Back in 1984 or so, if you were a male who just so happened to be born between 1970 and 1976 AND had a working television in your home, all you could think about when watching “Who’s The Boss” was how much you wanted to bone Alyssa Milano. My guess is that Taylor holds that same appeal to today’s suburban youth, only with the bonus of a Southern accent (and arms that are significantly less hairy).

—IF ERIC ISN’T RICHARD MAZUR’S ILLEGITMATE CHILD, MY NAME AIN’T NATHAN ARIZONA! Ferreals.

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Sorry to have left you, the loyal FOW Nation, in the lurch for the last couple of weeks. It’s not that your Uncle Grambo doesn’t care for you or, worse yet, that I fell out of love with The Blogosphere™. Quite the opposite, in fact — it’s just that the last two weeks of inactivity here on whatevs (dot org) are the direct result of my new project at Video Hits One taking flight. While I can’t go into too many details at this point (other than the fact that we’ve been writing our new site for the last two weeks), the good news is this: we should be launching one of our hyper-programmed verticals sometime before month’s end. When that time comes, you’ll be the first to know it. Not only will you be able to read your Uncle Grambo rant all day, every day, I’ll also be popping by here at a schedule still-to-be-determined (likely 3-5x per week). So yeah, um, I guess I got that going for me.

So yeah, I’m sure by now you’ve all seen Spidey 3 (aiight), Pirates 3 (durst!) and Knocked Up (pretty tigs). But unless you’re crazed magills like moi, you’ve almost certainly NOT seen Bug. Which is a shame, really, because I haven’t seen anything this crazed since the last time I saw El Topo. In the grand tradition of darkly depressing druggie movies like Permanent Midnight and Requiem For A Dream, Bug revolves around characters who have already been dealt a bad hand by life, characters that the audience immediately recognizes are teetering on the precipice between maintaining status quo or sliding sharply into deep, deep trouble (Bart Simpson steez). Not only should leads Ashley Judd (playing WAY against character as a washed-out, part-time lesbian cokehead) and Michael Shannon (pictured above) get some SERIOUS consideration when the 2008 Awards Season rolls around (not kidding), director Billy Friedkin makes like its the 1970s all over again by turning in his first bravura film since The Exorcist. Really. Not only does he work in more close-ups than you’ve seen since manning the microscope in earth science class, he manages to fill every square inch of the dingy motel room that Judd and Shannon hole themselves up in with a tension not really felt on the big screen since Linklater shot Tape. And if you’ve seen Tape, you know that’s really saying something.

If you’re anything like your Uncle Grambo and you’ve been jonesing all year for something original, something vibrant, something BEST from the movies, this is the film that you’re looking for. Swear to Jer.

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Anyone else watch “Entourage” this weekend? Truly terrible television. Not that the show was ever very good to begin with, but there’s no denying that the show’s quality has plummeted substantially this season. It’s painfully obvs that ALL of the actors have taken their one-dimensional characters just about as far as they can go — across the board, there’s not even a smidge of nuance left in any of these actors’ performances. Yep, even Jeremy Piven, who resorted to Three Stooges style “nyuk nyuk” antics in his outburst two episodes ago.¹ The only thing keeping “Entourage” on my DVR these days are the knockout bods of Perry Reeves and Carla Gugino. Ferreals.

• Classic Mädchen Amick. And by classic, I mean nakes. And by nakes, I mean NSFW.

• Wait wait wait. Do you mean to tell me that New York and Sister Patterson are not even related? I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of. [via Stop Clogging My Inbox]

• Tyra Banks was recently seen canoodling with Isiah Thomas (allegedly). Good for Zeke, I’d tap that, too. But the real question is this: what’s C-Webb gonna think? [via NBA Fanhouse]

• Thighs pays tribute to Andy Bernard. The less I seek my source for some definitive, THE CLOSER I AM TO FINE!

• NY Mag can do no wrong these days. Their new entertainment blog, Vulture, is top of the pops.

• The real surprise in this story is that it took this long.

• VH1 Classic to revive the long-dormant 120 Minutes franchise? Yes please! Better yet? Start airing old episodes, STAT!

• Call me The Mayor Of Squaresville if you wanna, but riding a bike that doesn’t have brakes doesn’t sound too safe to me. Shouldn’t it be ENOUGH of a challenge to just not use the brakes on a regular bike? I guess I need to drink more SURGE! [via Lindsayism]

Not sure if this should be categorized as a perk or a punishment of my new(ish) j-o-b, but your Uncle Grambo has been watching “The View” five days a week for the last six months. Not by choice, mind you — I just happen to sit in an office with a TV that’s tuned into the show. That’s all. Anyway, while your Uncle Grambo won’t go as far as to say that I’m going to miss Rosie O’Donnell, I will say that Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s announcement that she’s preggo makes the news a lot easier to bear. Why? I’ll give you two reasons. Welcome back, Hasselbombs!

¹Come on brah, you’re 42 years old. Why are you still shaving your chest? Man up.

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You can’t stop the students of Millard Fillmore High, you can only hope to contain them. Not only has IHP alum Eric Mardian (neé Brian Robbins) conquered Hollywood, but his co-hort Dennis Blunden (neé Dan Schneider) has become the most powerful executive in tween TV-tainment. Who woulda thunk it?

All kidding aside, you should really print out the Dan Schneider article that appeared in this weekend’s NYT Magazine and read it during your next lunch hour. `Tis a fantastic thinkpiece on the man who not only discovered Amanda Bynes, but someone whose influence on people born since 1986 is unrivaled.

WOULD YOU HACK YOUR BEST FRIEND TO PIECES TO ENSURE YOUR OWN SURVIVAL? That, my friends, is the question posed in the straight-to-DVD thriller “Dead Mary.” Howevs, your Uncle Grambo has a more important question that needs answering. Specifically, who’s the jagoff who changed “Bloody Mary” into “Dead Mary”? I know a lot of things have changed since your Uncle Grambo was a tyke, but c’mon! I may be 32 years old, but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less afraid of staring into a mirror and saying “Bloody Mary” than I was at age 8. “Dead Mary” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

David Lynch to direct “Jurassic Park IV”? The answer may surprise you. Literally!

Coyotes … so hott right now! First, they invade a Chicago Quizno’s in search of Sobe and prime rib on garlic bread. Now, a distant relative of Wile E. was spotted roaming downtown Detroit in search of coney dogs!

Wish I could track the click-through rate on this hyperlink: Hayden Panettiere Breast Licker.

Hey good lookin, whatchu got cookin? Miss Modernage not only has the album cover for Icky Thump, but she’s also got herself a sexy new makeover. Congrats!

Fans of NBC Page Kenneth Ellen Potsdown, rejoice! The Apiary has an interview with Jack McBrayer. Mindgrapes for everyone!

VIDEO HITS ONE PLUG ALERT! Ever tell a juicy lie? What scares you or turns you beat red? Tell us! VH1 is giving you an ear to whisper your Dirty Little Secrets into. Just upload a short video telling us your DIRTY LITTLE SECRET and you may get to reveal it on television in a forthcoming show as well as a future website! Just visit dirtylittlesecrets.tv now to let the world hear your confessions.

I could be mistaken here, but didn’t the mother of this guy’s child just die? I guess finding out that you’ve got a billion dollars in the bank eases the pain just a smidge. Either way, what a dick.

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Save for one press release back in late Novembs, most of the work that your Uncle Grambo has been doing since arriving at Video Hits One has been shrouded in semi-secrecy. While most of the work still isn’t quite yet ready to see the light of day, there is one project that’s just beginning to emerge from its amniotic sac of awesomeness — Acceptable.tv!

“Acceptable TV”, the show, will premiere on VH1 on Friday, March 23rd at 10pm. The premise is pretty awesome. But rather than letting one-dimensional press release do the talking, your Uncle Grambo will instead turn the proverbial mic over to Jack Black. Take it away, Jables!

More hilariously informative clips about the show are available at Acceptable.tv and Channel 101, be sure to check ‘em out. Your Uncle Grambo has been pretty swamped for the last few days prepping some materials for this and other sites, but I’ll be back with a full post tomorrow afternoon after I get out of an 11:30am screening of “Zodiac.” I’d be first in-line to see Fincher’s latest masterpiece tonight, but The Senator managed to get her mitts on a couple of tix to tonight’s Bright Eyes show @ The Bowery Ballroom, last-minute stizz. Best!

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