Of all the Twin Peaks characters to emulate, your Uncle Grambo has nary a clue as to why Brendan Fraser would pick James Hurley. And why does his hairline look like it’s just seen a ghost?

RELATED: Next time you’ve got nineteen hours to spare, check out In Twin Peaks and More In Twin Peaks. The guy who runs both of these sites has gone to extraordinary lengths to capture what the most iconic locales from the series look like in the year 2007. So, so, SO best! [via Nummer, obvs]

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Anyone else watch “Entourage” this weekend? Truly terrible television. Not that the show was ever very good to begin with, but there’s no denying that the show’s quality has plummeted substantially this season. It’s painfully obvs that ALL of the actors have taken their one-dimensional characters just about as far as they can go — across the board, there’s not even a smidge of nuance left in any of these actors’ performances. Yep, even Jeremy Piven, who resorted to Three Stooges style “nyuk nyuk” antics in his outburst two episodes ago.¹ The only thing keeping “Entourage” on my DVR these days are the knockout bods of Perry Reeves and Carla Gugino. Ferreals.

• Classic Mädchen Amick. And by classic, I mean nakes. And by nakes, I mean NSFW.

• Wait wait wait. Do you mean to tell me that New York and Sister Patterson are not even related? I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of. [via Stop Clogging My Inbox]

• Tyra Banks was recently seen canoodling with Isiah Thomas (allegedly). Good for Zeke, I’d tap that, too. But the real question is this: what’s C-Webb gonna think? [via NBA Fanhouse]

• Thighs pays tribute to Andy Bernard. The less I seek my source for some definitive, THE CLOSER I AM TO FINE!

• NY Mag can do no wrong these days. Their new entertainment blog, Vulture, is top of the pops.

• The real surprise in this story is that it took this long.

• VH1 Classic to revive the long-dormant 120 Minutes franchise? Yes please! Better yet? Start airing old episodes, STAT!

• Call me The Mayor Of Squaresville if you wanna, but riding a bike that doesn’t have brakes doesn’t sound too safe to me. Shouldn’t it be ENOUGH of a challenge to just not use the brakes on a regular bike? I guess I need to drink more SURGE! [via Lindsayism]

Not sure if this should be categorized as a perk or a punishment of my new(ish) j-o-b, but your Uncle Grambo has been watching “The View” five days a week for the last six months. Not by choice, mind you — I just happen to sit in an office with a TV that’s tuned into the show. That’s all. Anyway, while your Uncle Grambo won’t go as far as to say that I’m going to miss Rosie O’Donnell, I will say that Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s announcement that she’s preggo makes the news a lot easier to bear. Why? I’ll give you two reasons. Welcome back, Hasselbombs!

¹Come on brah, you’re 42 years old. Why are you still shaving your chest? Man up.

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Wow! Judging from the quantity and quality of entries that your Uncle Grambo received in whatevs (dot org)’s “Most Classic Character In Twin Peaks” contest, you’d never guess that the show has been off the air for well over 15 years. I suppose this kind of response validates that David Lynch and Mark Frost’s is indeed among the most memorable and beloved television shows EVER to air in prime time. But the FOW Nation already knew that, didn’t you?

So, without further ado, I would like to present you with the three entries that I thought best answered the question that was posed. Sure, some of them may have eclipsed the 500 word limit; but then again, you can’t put a limit on passion, can you? I think not, good sir! Each of these three deserving winners will soon be receiving their very own copy of the 6-disc DVD collection of “Twin Peaks: The Second Seaon”, courtesy of Paramount Home Entertainment (which hits the streets TOMORROW, y’all). Thank you to all of you who took the time to enter, I sincerely enjoyed reading every one of the sixteen responses that landed in my inbox. Now, on with the show!

Audrey Horne
by Laura Foxworthy (She Sends Her Regards)

Audrey Horne was the undisputed mystery girl of Twin Peaks. Laura was just the corpse wrapped in saran wrap that got the whole plot twisting, and brought Agent Cooper to town to sip coffee, lust after cherry pie, and fire up a budding adolescent bombshell who was more innocent than her body conveyed. She was the girl that people really talked about in the hallways of the high school, and who every girl secretly envied and loathed because she was everything they wanted to be. Inside Audrey, though, was insecurity and a pulsing need to be loved. Her fellow students could not help her, and her family was too wrapped up in hiding secrets and scandals under the rug to turn and notice their daughter getting caught up in all of it; and spinning for attention. Audrey was intriguing, layered, fragile and beautiful; and quite possibly one of the biggest reasons I fell so hard for this show.

Jerry Horne
by Kegzies (Send Me Dead Flowers)

There are, of course, many “classic” Twin Peaks characters. How does one go about picking just one? Should it be an obvious choice, like Coop or Audrey? Or a more marginal character, like Albert or Major Briggs? Ultimately, I made my choice because this characters’ antics still makes me chuckle.

It’s Jerry Horne, the obnoxious brother of Ben Horne. While he was only in nine episodes, he did basically all he would have to do in Episode 2, Season 1, where he makes one of the most memorable entrances in the series. The Hornes are having a quiet dinner. Jerry enters, berating the bellhops who are helping him with his luggage. Sylvia Horne, exasperated, cries out “Benjamin!” But Jerry can’t wait to get sandwiches out of his bags. He’s just back from Paris, you see, and he has to share with ‘brother Ben’ the greatest thing he’s ever eaten: butter and brie on a baguette. He ate four of the damn things every day he was there.

To this day, that is still my favorite sandwich.

Later in the episode, when he and Ben make an excursion to the brothel One Eyed Jack’s, Jerry is wisecracking at the bar. When a girl takes his order, he tells her, “Next stop, rocket science!” You’d be surprised how often that line comes in handy.

Classic Entrance + Classic Line = Classic Character.

Pete Martell
by Zac Johnson (DataWhat?)

Let it be known that Twin Peaks was chock full of outstanding characters, but none resonated as clearly to me as Pete Martell.

Champion chess player, keen angler, foreman of the mill, eager assistant to the FBI and local law enforcement, protector of Josie Packard and reluctant softy when it came to his cruel wife Catherine, Pete represented the everyman — Observing the bizarre occurrences of his small Pacific Northwestern town with a childlike wonder and warm-hearted acceptance.

Pete: And how do you take your coffee, Agent Cooper?
Cooper: Black as midnight on a moonless night.
Pete: Pret-ty black.

Pete ends up being a strange cross between the Buddha and Winnie-the-Pooh: a soft sweet man with a simple acceptance of unusual events and the occasional kernel of wisdom that is never too wordy or world-wise, but like a lumberjack Andy Griffith, Pete knew just how to soothe a broken heart with a little midnight trout fishing.

“Audrey, there are many cures for a broken heart, but nothing quite like a trout’s leap in the moonlight.”

And most importantly, the moment that started the entire phenomenon. Local citizen out fishing…”A lonesome foghorn blows”…his outdoorsman’s eye spies something unusual on the shoreline next to a cut log.

“She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic.”

Imagine if this line had come from stoic Sheriff Harry Truman or the callous mouth of FBI man Albert Rosenfeld. It would have become the predecessor to all of the passionless police procedurals that would follow a decade later. But the fact that this line was whispered with Pete Martell’s innate incredulity and honest disbelief as to how any soul could do such a thing made the cruel murder of the Homecoming Queen hit that much harder. At that moment, Pete learned that true evil exists in this world, and it breaks my heart just as much as it breaks his.

So I raise a huge glass of milk at the Great Northern to Pete Martell: The wild-eyed man-child who spoke his lines directly to me, made the quirks of Twin Peaks seem commonplace, and gave everything he had to anyone who asked.

Congrats to all three of you for winning the contest; your Uncle Grambo will be in touch with each of you to get your contact info. But don’t stop here, after the jump we’ve got TONS of other entries (including entries from your Uncle Grambo, Thighs Wide Shut, Peabs, The Gorilla, Worker #3116) for you to peruse. With the exception of my entry, you’ll find that all of the treatises have been ordered alphabetically by character name. Enjoy!
Read the entire entry …

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REMINDER! It’s not too late to submit your entry in “The Most Classic Character In Twin Peaks” contest! So far, we’ve received six entries (spanning Bobby Briggs, Jerry Horne, Albert Rosenfeld, Windom Earle, Pete Martell and, um, Pete Martell!) here at Whatevs (Dot Org) World Headquarters. Remember, we’re giving away THREE copies of “Twin Peaks: Season 2″, a six-disc set of television brilliance that can only be rivaled by a cup of coffee and a slice of cherry pie from the Double R Diner, to the best three entries we receive. Thems good odds!

All of the details of the contest can be found here. Remember, the deadline is 11:59pm on Saturday, March 31st … that’s tomorrow! Good luck.

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Dear friends, lovers and fellow communists,

Those of you who have been stomping around the virtual playground that is whatevs (dot org) for a few years might recall a little experiment I used to run back in 2002-2003 called Friday Afternoon Topics. The basic premise was simple: your Uncle Grambo would throw out a topic that I considered to be worthy of conversation (Fave Summer Songs, Overdue Props, etc.) and willing members of The FOW Nation responded in kind, usually to the tune of one paragraph. Well folks, the good news is that I’m bringing it (temporarily) back, with a few new wrinkles added in for good measure.

First things first, mes amis. The topic that your Uncle Grambo is asking you to write-in to me about is this … drum roll, please …

The Most Classic Character In Twin Peaks!!!

That’s right, in celebration of the long-awaited DVD release of “Twin Peaks: The Second Season”, I would like you to start thinking about the crazed assortment of characters from the single best show in the history of network television. From mainstays like Leland Palmer and Special Agent Dale Cooper to lesser-knowns like Major Briggs and Deputy Hawk, there is no shortage of amazingly classic characters populating the Twin Peaks universe.

Once you have rifled through your memories, I’d like you to compose a quick entry about the trait or traits that made this “Twin Peaks” character CLASSIC TO YOU. How you define classic is entirely at your discretion: Did they make you laugh or scream? Did their actions and beliefs influence your worldview? Were they just bizarrely fascinating? Just as long as you formulate your opinion as to why this character was CLASSIC TO YOU and state said theory clearly and succinctly (500 words max), you’ll be good to go in my book. Compose your take (using past Friday Afternoon Topic responses as a guide) and send it to me at markdgraham AT yahoo DOT com by 11:59pm on Saturday, March 31.

I will post all responses that I receive by the aforementioned deadline here on whatevs (dot org) on Tuesday, April 3¹. Which, coincidentally enough, just so happens to be the day that “Twin Peaks: The Second Season” comes out on DVD. But wait, there’s more!

The three (3) FOWs that compose the best responses will each WIN A FREE COPY of “Twin Peaks: The Second Season”, a six-disc set of all kinds of teevee besteverness, courtesy of the good brosephs over @ Paramount Home Entertainment. That’s right, FREE! It’s that easy, people. Write a good graf or two, send it to me, and you just might win yo self a complimentary copy of the second season of the best TV show of all-time! Good luck to you and yours. BOVS ON YOUR RESPECTIVE TEES!

¹Which, I suppose, makes this a T.A.T. instead of a F.A.T. `Sall good.

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