Today, my friends, is a special day. For years and years, your Uncle Grambo has silently been scheming and plotting a way to extend the palate of coverage you see here on whatevs (dot org) outside of the realm of the pop culture. In a fortunate twist of events, I was recently introduced to a person (who shall remain anonymous for the time being) who has both a culinary background AND the means to dine at some of this country’s greatest restaurants. After speaking at great length over the course of months and months, I was finally able to persuade this individual to share their experiences with you all, the ravenous members of the FOW Nation.

We have a few reviews queued up that will be released over the coming weeks. Namely, Craft (Dallas) and Bouchon (Las Vegas). But in an attempt to pay tribute to the large percentage of Detroiters frequent this here site, we thought it best to start you off with some local fare. So without further ado, please enjoy The Hand-Some Chef’s review of the Royal Oak, MI staple, Bastone…

Greetings and salutations from the “Hand-Some Chef”, my culinary compadres!!! In the coming months, my Sous Chef and I will be reviewing the restaurant scene, from a fresh perspective — pun intended — exclusively for whatevs (dot org). The goal of the reviews is to give the readers our unadulterated view of the restaurant’s food, ambiance, service, wine list, clientele, etc. With that in mind, let’s get it started.

BASTONE (Royal Oak, MI).

For a place deemed by Hour Detroit as “the hot new dining scene”, Bastone was a disappointment from the minute we walked in — especially considering its billing as a French Bistro/ Belgian Brewery. With the high lofted ceilings, we felt as if we were in your typically trite brew pub. The white-tile wall, in particular, was horribly out of place. Note to the owners: a white-clad wait staff does not a French Bistro make.

As we walked to our table we were disappointed at the appearance of most of the clientele. If this is a “hot spot”, evidently shorts and t-shirts are the posh things to wear out on a Friday night. Although there were some people who came in dressed appropriately, the majority of people dining looked as if they were going to Tony’s Truck Stop for a pound of bacon. And the wait staff, although friendly, seemed untrained and looked as if they just came out of a punk rock concert (definitely not French Bistro).

The meal continued our disappointment. The predominately French menu, with a few Belgian dishes, and a surprisingly large number of burger choices was priced accordingly, based on the predominantly late twentysomething to early thirtysomething crowd. Our meal started with a fried artichoke appetizer which, sad to say, was the best part of our meal (besides the wine). This should not be a positive in any way, how hard is it to screw up fried food?

Anyway, seeing as how Bastone is supposed to be a French Bistro and all, we decided upon the standard fare of Steak Frite, which is supposed to be along the lines of a hanger steak and thin cut french fries. Instead, we were served an overcooked sirloin that lacked flavor with small thick undercooked fries. We managed to consume what we could with the help of two bottles of wine. The first, a Hermitage, and the second, a Cote-du-Rhone (both from the reputable French producer E.Guigal).

As far as the drinks are concerned, the wine list was small but reasonably priced, with bargains for the discerning eye to be found. As with any French/Belgian Bistro, the Cuban Mojito was well-advertised (it’s called sarcasm, people). We tried one of their “famous” Mojitos, being touted as the best, but instead found a below average knock-off made with Rose’s Lime Juice instead of real limes. Thinking about it now, the mojito pretty much personified our entire experience at Bastone. A restaurant without an identity, serving average fare, to a clientele that doesn’t know any better.

The Hand-Some Chef’s Rating: 1 Hand (out of 5).

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