“The point is, ladies and gentleman, that brands — for lack of a better word — are good.

Brands are right.

Brands work.

Brands clarify, cut through, and capture the essence of the evolutionary spirit.

Brands, in all of their forms — brands for life, for money, for love, knowledge — have marked the upward surge of mankind.

And brands — you mark my words — will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.”

Your Uncle Grambo is an absolute FREAK when it comes to brands. Gordon Gekko ain’t got nuthin’ on me when it comes to supporting all of the goody goodness that brands stand for. In fact, the only thing I like more than individual brands themselves is when two brands come together and make sweet, passionate cross-promotional love. Nothing better exemplifies the kind of besteverness that I’m talking about than the newly formed union between Crest and Scope.

So last weekend, The Senator and I made a run to the local Rite Aid for some b’room supplies. You know, razors, deodes, the like. Anyway, your Uncle Grambo was strolling down the mouth product aisle when I noticed a new flavor of Crest (my fave brand of toothpaste!) on the shelves, one that featured the “fresh flavor” of Cool Peppermint Scope (my fave brand of mouthwash!). Conveniently, there just so happened to be a nice 50 ounce bottle of Cool Peppermint Scope sitting on a shelf a mere three feet away. Faster than you can say “SYNERGY!”, I swooped both of them up and bolted for the cash register. I ran so fast back to my house, people in the street probably thought I had a mean case of the Hershey Squirts coming on. Truth is, I just couldn’t wait to try out my crackin’ new toothpaste/mouthwash combo.

And friends, let me tell you, I’m glad I ran. Never before have I experienced a more pleasant, more enjoyable, more SATISFYING toothbrushing/mouthrinsing double dip. If synergy had a taste, I bet it would taste exactly like this. The moment when the Cool Peppermint Scope hits your freshly cleansed teeth (still glistening with Cool Peppermint residue), it’s like both Proctor AND muthafrakkin’ Gamble are both jazzing their most euphoric jazz all up in your mizz. It’s like the best dream you ever had, only it’s REAL, people! Which is why you need to stop whatever it is you’re doing right now, ditch your three-piece suit, run and don’t walk to your nearest Rite-Aid/Perry’s, pick up this cream dream of brand-y brandness, and go home and brush your teeth … NAKED.

Listen to me now and thank me later, brosef. Trust your Uncle on this one. You won’t regret it.

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